Im Married but in Love with my Engage Boss

[InLovebutConfused]

I started this job back in January and I absolutely Love it. My boss and I started out as good friends, mainly because we are the youngest 2 in the company, he being younger than me. We moved on to flurting, hugging things like that, but one day it went farther. I put a stop to it because I am Married w/ children and at that time he had a steady girlfriend. I have felt extremely guilty about stopping it. I know I shouldn't especially since 3 days later he proposed to his girlfriend. A week after I stopped that we went way to far. We have not had sex but I want to so bad. I have so many emotions going through me. All I do is think about him. I have never had these feelings for anyone else, not even my husband, in my entire life!!!!

My marriage of 9yrs has not been going well for about 6 months. We fight all the time. He annoys me so much. He thinks he is being funny when all he is doing is pissing me off. I try to talk to him about our problems and he tells me there is nothing wrong in our marriage. That fighting is normal. I tell him arguing is normal but not fighting ever single day sometimes 2 or more times a day.

My bosses Fiance is no good for him. She treats him horribly. He is always complaining to me about her (Which I complain to him about my husband too) At first I thought it was just to try and get me into bed, but then she starts opening up to me and she complains to me about him confirming what he has already told me. She started planning this wedding way before he even proposed. She set the Wedding date for 6 months after he proposed to her. She won't go with any of his ideas for the wedding. Then she wants to have kids immediately after the wedding, which is fine but they have both told me she doesn't enjoy sex.

I feel so guily feeling the way I do about him especially since I know her. I just don't know what to do. I want to leave my husband, not for him, but because I'm not in love with him anymore. I love him, as he is the father of my kids, Im just not in love with him anymore. Financially I don't think we could divorce right, but emotionally I know we need to. Our fighting is emotionally hurting our kids. We don't physically fight we verbally fight. Anyone have any advice for me. It surely would be appreciated.

[whichwayisup]

You have to either go to marriage counselling and try your best to see if the marriage is worth saving or not. If you don't love your husband, then let him go and let him find someone else who is inlove with him. To stay with someone you don't love just plain sucks. Not only for you, but for him. I feel for your kids because I'm sure before the new guy came around your marriage was pretty good. You allowed yourself to fall for another man, allowed yourself to put the OM above your husband's needs.

 

Do you love him enough to try to fix the marriage? I think what you may have to do is, come clean with him and tell him about your feelings for the OM. HE should be able to make the choice if YOU should be given another chance. To hold all the cards and him not know why is a s***ty thing to do. IF the marriage ends, then it ends - But let him be part of the decision.

 

The OM who is going to get married is a dink. And he's your boss too? You're in for the ride of your life....So the choice is yours now.

[sylviaguardian]

Stop and look at some of the things you have written through a different lense. You call yourself 'in love and confused'. A better description would be 'in lust and in denial'. You are about to make the biggest mistake of your life and what you really are looking for is someone to tell you that it's alright, that if your feelings are so strong that they must be right. The trouble is, the boards on LS are full of people who make wrong choices on the basis of their 'overwhelming feelings'. It really doesn't matter how strong your feelings are: you will still be dealing with the same mess afterwards.

 

You are having problems communicating with your husband so you have let yourself fall for the same old story. The reason why you never felt this way even with your husband is that you were not married and cheating when you met your husband.

 

Your boss, on the other hand is a sleaze. He gets jiggy with you at work and 3 days later proposes to his girlfriend. This tell us two things; 1) you are a bit of fun to him 2) he is guy without morals and will break his fiance's heart

 

The feelings you feel have nothing to do with him per se. They are about you. About feeling attractive, powerful etc. Have you ever thought about why your husband pisses you off so much in the last 6 months. I mean you have been married for 9 years, has it all been bad? Doesn't your husband have any redeeming features (well, I tell you one: he has been faithful to you for 9 years. I would LOVE to have a husband that I could say that about). So it's contest between Mr Nice guy and Mr sleazy with the right line in chat-up. Let me tell you about Mr Sleazy. People do not generally get 'forced' into doing things they don't want, as hard as that is to believe. You want to believe that his fiance is evil and has some sort of hold over him. That is not the truth. He WANTS to marry this woman, but he also wants a bit of fun too (probably always will).

 

You appear to have written off a marriage of 9 years for 6 months of arguments. You love him but you are not 'in love'. It's the same old story. In a marriage, people have to work at 'being in love'. How much effort have you put into the marriage over the last 6 months?

 

I don't have any advice, only questions and I would ask you to consider the following 2 scenarios:

 

1) You can sleep with him. It will be fantastic the first couple of times. Pretty soon he will realise that it's all getting a bit serious and dump you. You will feel like you have nobody. Pretty soon you will hate your job. If it gets out (and it usually does) your husband will be devastated. You will have to look at the hurt in his face and know you caused it. He may or may not want to stay with you but either way, the marriage will be damaged. Your children (and you've barely mentioned them) will be victims of the fall-out too.

 

2) You can wise up. Put some distance between yourself and this guy (best case scenario is get another job). He will be pissed off to start with because you will have ruined his fun and he will come wheedling around. After a while he will move onto the next one, he will still get married and he will break his fiance's heart (OK, I can tell you don't like her, but she's done nothing to you). You could choose your family and try to work on things.

 

One last thing: it seems like your question is whether or not you should sleep with him, as if that is really important. You already are in an affair, you have already cheated on your husband and what you have already done is grounds for divorce in a lot of people's eyes. What you do now is up to you, but instead of asking yourself "Should I sleep with him?", start asking yourself "Why am I allowing this sleaze to use me?" "What sort of pain have I already caused my husband?" "What is this situation doing to my family?". Finally ask yourself if you are prepared to accept what your husband/children/parents/in-laws/his fiance/your workmates etc are going to think/say about you when it all comes out. And I'm not talking about the things that you are thinking about doing, I'm talking about the things you have already done. Do you think the people in your office don't know what's going on? Have a look in the OW section under the thread "Does anyone else have this gift?"

 

Sylvia

My marriage of 9yrs has not been going well for about 6 months. We fight all the time. He annoys me so much. He thinks he is being funny when all he is doing is pissing me off. I try to talk to him about our problems and he tells me there is nothing wrong in our marriage. That fighting is normal. I tell him arguing is normal but not fighting ever single day sometimes 2 or more times a day.

My bosses Fiance is no good for him. She treats him horribly. He is always complaining to me about her (Which I complain to him about my husband too) At first I thought it was just to try and get me into bed, but then she starts opening up to me and she complains to me about him confirming what he has already told me. She started planning this wedding way before he even proposed. She set the Wedding date for 6 months after he proposed to her. She won't go with any of his ideas for the wedding. Then she wants to have kids immediately after the wedding, which is fine but they have both told me she doesn't enjoy sex.

I feel so guily feeling the way I do about him especially since I know her. I just don't know what to do. I want to leave my husband, not for him, but because I'm not in love with him anymore. I love him, as he is the father of my kids, Im just not in love with him anymore. Financially I don't think we could divorce right, but emotionally I know we need to. Our fighting is emotionally hurting our kids. We don't physically fight we verbally fight. Anyone have any advice for me. It surely would be appreciated.

[corwin]

Wow... everything you said is straight from the Wayward Spouse handbook. Every cheating spouse says the exact same thing.... Stuff like this....

 

I have never had these feelings for anyone else, not even my husband, in my entire life!!!!

 

My marriage of 9yrs has not been going well for about 6 months. We fight all the time.

 

I want to leave my husband, not for him, but because I'm not in love with him anymore. I love him, as he is the father of my kids, Im just not in love with him anymore.

 

This is all "fog" talk because you are living in Fogland right now.

 

Then you said this....

 

I started this job back in January......... My marriage of 9yrs has not been going well for about 6 months.

 

Gee.. I wonder why. Interesting that your marraige has been suffering for about the same amount of time as your affair. I see it like this... your marraige is suffering because of you. Because you are cheating on your husband and your family and you are trying to justify it by any means necessary.

 

How about this line....

 

I try to talk to him about our problems and he tells me there is nothing wrong in our marriage.

 

Really???? You "try" to talk to him??? Have you told him that you fell in lust with your boss at work and that you're having an affair? He doesn't see the marraige as "in trouble" the way you do because he doesn't know about the betrayal. He has misplaced his complete trust in you and doesn't think you would or could hurt him the way that you are.

 

Quit trying to justify your affair. You screwed up... big time. Now own up to your mistakes and to your responsibility for the state of your marraige. Tell your husband what's really going on and let him make his own decisions on the real state of his marraige and whether he feels you can work it out.

[whichwayisup]

Interesting that your marraige has been suffering for about the same amount of time as your affair

 

This is very true.

 

You've emotionally detached from your husband and all your focus and energy is being poured into the MMBoss. You don't feel the same way towards your husband because your priorities are mixed up. You're not thinking clearly, you're so caught up with the 'new' crush-like intense feelings you have for another man. So yes, your marriage doesn't feel right.

 

Read Corwin's post again - Step back and pretend you're giving advice to your bestfriend. Your bestfriend is YOU in this situation. From where you sit, you see the whole picture - She doesn't and can't. What advice would you give her?

[InLovebutConfused]

You all are so right!! I know what I am doing is wrong, I just needed to hear it from others. My H and I talked last night and have decided to get away for a weekend in June, just him and I and we are going to take a trip to Colorado for a week in Sept. also. I realize I was just angry with my H for not being home very much and I discussed that with him too. H says he will try and cut back on his frisbee golf to be home more (He is out playing 4-7 days a week).

 

I also realize that instead of talking to my H more about our problems I was going to my MM for comfort and support like he does with me. I need to go to my H more instead of my MM.

 

Thank you all for your replies!!!

[whichwayisup]

You're doing the right thing...Though, you need to take it a step further...

 

You need to STOP confiding in your MM about your marriage, PERIOD! Or anything else. If you have a problem and need help, talk to your girl friends, NOT the MM. You now have to do the legwork and detach yourself from the MM. And then the next step is to stop seeing him or talking to him. I know he's your boss, so keep it professional ONLY. NO personal conversations.

[corwin]

I need to go to my H more instead of my MM.

 

The MM is not yours. You need to stop thinking in these terms.

 

I'm glad to hear you're trying to communicate more with your husband. This is a great first step.

 

Whichwayisup is correct. You must no longer share personal time or talks with your Boss. Keep it strictly business. Don't tell him how your marraige is doing. Don't give him advice for working on his relationship. Don't allow him to tell you any personal info. You must keep it business.

 

My advice though, is to seek immediate employment elsewhere and go total "No Contact" with your boss. I wish you and your family the best of luck.

[InLovebutConfused]

Do you think the people in your office don't know what's going on?

 

I am the only one in the office. We are a small Company. To make matters worse we work out of MM's house.

 

I am trying to communicate more with my H. I am still trying to sort this all out in my head and my heart. I am not trying to make excuses for what I have done, nor is anyone else to blame but myself. I think it just felt good to know that I was attractive to someone else. I have always had issues with my self esteem growing up. I have that attractive older sister whom was popular, beautiful, and every guy fell for her. I always felt like the unattractive, unpopular girl whom nobody wanted. I know I need to feel good about myself first. I can't expect someone to love me if I can't love myself first.

[Guest]

i'm a man, 40 y/o, married and have 2 beautiful girls. as much as the other people make sense, i must say that it is not easy. how do we deny our feelings? are our opinions biased by impose morality or religios precepts? what about the sense that being with the other person makes us feel so complete? or the emotional assault of the first kiss? i wish it was a mathematical question, those are easy, emotions are not involved. then emotions get a bad rap! but emotions do help in life a great deal! im a romantic, and i miss the romance in my own life; that romantic feeling of the first time your hands touched, it can't be repeated. familiarity takes over, the magic of sex disapears, the apeal of the other that was involved in mistery at first is excahnge for familiarity, like an old pair of leather shoes. the other people have posted advised from the line of dr. phil. "you are worng and must do the right thing!" movies and tv influence so much our ideas! life is a bit more complicated. the history of our world is full of emotional responses and many of them were based on wrong premises but the results were positive. i'm also confused and my words to you are, do what you will, but know that every action has a reaction. "honesty is the best policy" it may be true in disney movies. in real life, must of us lie when it serves our porpouses. hurting your mate by telling him of your affair so you can "come clean" if you made a mistake, deal wiht the consequences of your mistake including guilt but dont hurt your mate. i dont see it worth it. my rambling are as such, becasue im also confused. take care. make your own decition and it will be the right one.