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Husband calls me names


SueBee3490

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Just wondering what everyone thinks about this...

 

If anyone of you have read any of my prior posts, you may know that my H cheated on me when we were dating. I married him not knowing this and as far as I know he hasn't cheated since being married, but who knows since the trust is gone. Anyway, I've dealt with my heartache for years, been to counselors, talked and yelled at him, etc. just trying to get to the bottom of this. He will not go t a counselor because he says he is not cheating now so sees no reason to go. Anyway, I guess I'm just so beat down at trying to find answers when he won't give any as to the "whys" of his cheating that sometimes I call him on his cell and complain. I know this is no way to live and I don't know why I continue to do this. I guess I'm trying to make sense of something that makes no sense to me. I'm trying to make him feel the pain I feel, when he never will.

 

Now, on Friday, he had a bit much to drink and we went up to bed. I think he got mad at something I did for my 12 yr old son and anyway we got into a fight. He stormed out and I thought was getting into his pickup so I called him on his cell. Well he didn't take his cell, it was in our bedroom and rang when I dialed so I hung up because the phone was there. He came back later and went to bed. The next morning I picked up his cell to see if my call was on there and to cancel it out when I saw that he had changed my name in his phonebook to "b**ch". I asked him why he did that and he apologized and said he was mad. He did change it back to my name. I really question someone that would go to that length as far as changing names on their cell phone and what he really feels for me. I know he has a temper but has never hit me. I guess our lives have spiraled down so far, that I'm not as upset as someone else might be. I know that no matter how mad and upset I was at him for cheating, I would not have gone to this length to put b***ard as his name in my phonebook.

 

Would any of you overlook being called names and think maybe you pushed the cheater that far that they would resort to calling you names? I know this sounds like a stupid question but I am thinking that he's tired of me questioning him all the time. I am not excusing his cheating, that was all his fault but I'm not "as" mad as I thought I would be at finding this out. Maybe because I've already left this marriage emotionally that his calling me names doesn't hurt as much even though I'm still sad and cry about every day. That may be depression - I just don't know.

 

Anyway thanks for listening.

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Name calling is a form of abuse. However, possibly he put the word b*tch in there becasue he was mad, however that was still wrong. You asked if maybe you pushed him into calling you names, the answer is no you didn't. His name calling is a choice, no one makes him do/say things. I do think that if you feel this is a situation you want to remain in, then you all both need to go counseling. He told you he wasn't cheating anymore so there was no need to go. People go to counseling for many reasons, and he needs to know that its not really about him cheating, its about whats currently going on in your situation. I would say if he still refuses to go, and he is still calling you names etc, then you might need to rethink why you're still there.

 

 

 

 

Jade

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whichwayisup

He has disrespected you by calling you a b!tch. That isn't cool.

 

If he has anger problems, he should go seek therapy to control it, or just suck it up and not act like a spoiled brat. By changing your name on his cellphone cuz he was mad at you, is so immature! He is a parent and should act like one!! There is no way either of you would let your son get away with what your husband did, so, why should HE be allowed to treat you like that? Mad or not!

 

I hope he cools off enough to talk and really listen to what you have to say. If he isn't willing to make changes to his behaviour - And/or consider marriage counselling (it could help), he may LOSE you in the future.

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catgirl1927

I'm not sure this is all THAT big a deal. Maybe I'm not reading it incorrectly. It sounds silly and tantrum-y, but I don't see violent tendencies coming through it. He apologized, and fixed it. Am I not seeing something?

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amaysngrace

no Catgirl1927...i'm with you on this. i don't see what the fuss is about really. crap, if my xH only reduced me (or tried to, actually) by calling me b*tch in his contacts, i'd be real happy about the way he treated me back then. what confuses me is why you would marry a guy that you knew cheated on you if you couldn't handle the aftermath??

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catgirl1927

I have a confession: My BF and I have been together for over 18 months. We bought a house together and have discussed getting married, having kids, in the next year or so. It's a fairly serious relationship. As recently as 6 months ago I deleted him out of my phone one afternoon because I was SO MAD at him. I called him a name while I did it. I was in my car. Alone. I put his number back in after I got home. It was VERY silly, and it meant NOTHING. I told his dog just the other day that sometimes Daddy is a mean, selfish b&st$rd. I would never call him names to his face, because that's counterproductive, hurtful and mean. But I have done some pretty silly things when I was mad...

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Thanks everyone for advice.

 

First off, he cheated on me so that's a major strike 1 against him. Then to get angry at me and call me a b**ch (for his cheating!) is strike 2. I may be older than alot of you posters (I'm in my 40's) but in my day we didn't call people SOB, b***ard, b***ch, etc. I know it's all over the tv and such in today's world, but in my "growing up" days - you only reserved those words for a very few people who truly deserved that title. When I really love someone, I will not call him an SOB or b**ch or whatever. I think that is the ultimate form of disrespect and maybe even hate. He may be mad at me for his cheating (and getting caught) but then to turn it around and make me out to be the bad guy - uhuh - it's not gonna happen. Since he said it is no big deal, it was a joke, I told him let me change the phone number for his "kids" and call them "f**king spoilt brats" then show them what name he has in his phonebook for them and see if they think it is funny. I told him I think his kids would feel like I do, it is no joke to call someone those kind of names. It's immature as whichway has said.

 

To Catgirl, he has never hit me but he does get very have a temper at times and hit other things, such as walls, fans, etc. If we are every in a traffic jam and have to sit for very long, he really gets angry (turns red, starts breathing hard, hits the steering wheel). Whichway, this is the "anger problems" you talked about.

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catgirl1927

The wall and fan hitting, as well as the steering wheel deal, sounds like tantrums. Not a sign of maturity in my mind.

 

He had to know how you felt about those names, and how seriously you would take it. You're right, I don't take those names as seriously as you do.

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He obviously has some anger issues that perhaps needs addressing. Anyone who resorts to hitting things, (and yes thank goodness its not you he is hitting) but he needs to learn to control that anger. Theres nothing wrong with anger, its an emotion we all have but its also all in the way people control/handle it. Its possible he is not mad at you for his choice of cheating, but perhaps he is mad with himself, and is still stuggling with what he did. He turns things around on you, becasue hes not yet ready to deal/accept the fact he has had a hand in anything that has happened. Yes thats something that needs to be brought to the attention of a good counselor as well. As long as hes not willing to get help for some things going on, then chances are this will be a vicious cycle that will continue until either he hits rock bottom and decides to get help, or someone leaves.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Jade

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whichwayisup
I'm not sure this is all THAT big a deal. Maybe I'm not reading it incorrectly. It sounds silly and tantrum-y, but I don't see violent tendencies coming through it. He apologized, and fixed it. Am I not seeing something?

 

The point is, he shouldn't be allowing himself to DO that. Thinking it is one thing, but to actually change her name to b!tch on his cellphone is crossing the respect boundries. Maybe it's just me, but there are things ya just don't DO and SAY to your spouse. Name calling is one of them.

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there are two distinct issues you're dealing with in this post: one, the fact that your husband acted out of anger and made an unsavory reference to you, and two, the fact that he screwed around on you during your courtship.

 

I think there hasn't been anyone who, in acting out in anger, has done something so stupid that they regret it once they've cooled down. I ripped up my newlywed portrait (one of the few times I've willingly sat for a photo), I flushed my wedding band out of anger, I've bitten my husband on the *ss because he pissed me off so. And I'm not the person who normally acts out, either, I'm really quite mellow. As much as I love the guy, though, he does provoke me from time to time and I have to work at letting harsh words slip out, same as a lot of other people.

 

I don't think your guy's dumbass decision to list you as "bxtch" on his cell listing isn't out of the ordinary for someone who was vexed by what a loved one did, and it prolly won't be the last time something like that happens. Doesn't mean he doesn't love you any less, but that this is the only way he knows how to cope with the situation. More about that in a bit.

 

as for the other situation, there's really no kind way to put it, but you need to move on, otherwise this is going to rip you to shreds inside. Ideally, your guy would see the positive aspect of counselling or even a marriage enrichment course, but it doesn't sound like it's going to happen. And I suspect it's because he feels you're nagging him about what took place in the past, calling and harping him about it isn't going to bring you the closure you need, only make him dig his heels in deeper because in his mind, that chapter is closed and he's a faithful husband now. By trying to cause him pain, you're just making yourself more miserable, because he's not going to play that game. This is how he copes, and all the fussing, questioning, tears or pleas in the world will not move him.

 

don't give up on him, but take a new approach to this problem: get counselling to help YOU come to terms with what's happened in the past, so that Y'ALL can reach a point where you can discuss what happened so long ago in a rational manner. Because as long as he feels you're attacking him through your behavior, he's not going to do anything but clam up.

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Thanks everyone

 

I guess maybe I was feeling kind of funny in that though I was mad that he would call me that - I didn't feel as "awful" as I felt I should have. After reading some of your posts though, it seems alot of you wouldn't be all that upset at your husband calling you a b**ch either. I thought maybe I've moved so far away from him emotionally that I didn't feel as much pain at him referencing me that way. I even said to him "did you and your gf have a good laugh on me when you showed her your cell phonebook and you listed your wife as a b**ch?" Of course he says he has no gf. So we go round and round in this vicious cycle with me accusing him and him denying it. Oh and during the time he got mad at me, he took his wedding ring off and left it in his truck. Why? I really don't know but all I can assume is that so when he meets a woman she won't know he's married.

 

You are right Whichway in that I've gotten so mad at him that when he left the room I've said under my breath "I wish you would leave, etc" but would I actually go through the act of changing his name on my cellphone to SOB - no - I wouldn't because I know that I really didn't mean it.

 

I have been to 4 counselors. The first two told me to get over his cheating now that he admitted it. The 3rd one was good, tried to help me deal with my feelings, but she was expensive and the last one just basically told me he is "no good" and will continue to cheat so divorce him. So Jadestar you are right in that I think this will come to me leaving him. He won't get help and I don't want to continue a marriage in which he doesn't want to seek MC in order for us to continue in this relationship.

 

I have a daughter that is grown and moved out, one daughter is graduating this year and a 12 yr old son. I guess his anger has scared me for the sake of my children. He hasn't directed it at any of us, but I'm scared one day I or my kids would be at the receiving end. I know his cheating has me upset and thinking this will never work but his anger is what scares me. Heaven knows if he ever hurt any of my children, he would regret it.

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I'm sorry you're having to go through all this. I remember my counselor telling me after all is said and done and you feel you have tried about everything you can, and if the other spouse is not willing to put forth the effort to get help or help work on the marraige then theres basically 2 choices. People either accept the fact they are living in the situation they are in and chances are it will keep being a vicious cycle, or they choose to move on. Its about pulling together as a marital team, and when one isn't doing his/her part chances aren't its not going to work. Good luck to you.

 

 

 

 

Jade

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After reading some of your posts though, it seems alot of you wouldn't be all that upset at your husband calling you a b**ch either.

 

:laugh: :laugh: :laugh: that's only because he'll be called "jackass," or worse, "pendejo," which he ABSOLUTELY hates, though in the larger scheme of things, is not as bad a word as some. I guess it boils down to the art of fighting, if you will. Someone is going to say something to let off steam, and unkind words may fly out, but that is when you practice selective hearing. Is he saying this because you're truly evil, or because that's the one word he knows will push your button? Or is it the only insult he can come up with? Listen to what's going on behind the words or the behavior, you'll figure it out from there.

 

Am sorry to hear that the one good counsellor you were seeing wasn't affordable, because she prolly would have helped made a huge difference in how you're dealing with all this. Would she be able to take you back on a sliding payment scale? Does she do any volunteer work with a local church or organization that you might be able to meet with her under those circumstances, rather than in a private office?

 

Oh and during the time he got mad at me, he took his wedding ring off and left it in his truck. Why? I really don't know but all I can assume is that so when he meets a woman she won't know he's married.

 

are you suspicious because you've found evidence of him cheating in your marriage?

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amaysngrace

i agree with Quankanne. you need to move past this. i think you are trying hard to get a rise out of him so that he can feel as bad as you do...it's counterproductive. you have to come to grips with your pain-turned-anger over his cheating. until you do, you will only have resentment for this man, which will cause you pain, you will get angry, pick a fight, he will get angry....and so on and so forth. you get the picture. it's a vicious cycle. it really isn't about him getting help, IMO, you are responsible for your part in all of this too. maybe in time you can go for couple's counseling, but in the meantime, you need to get past your pain and accept what he has done in order to make this a healthy relationship.

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scarletletter

I have to tell you that my husband, I use that term loosely, has verbally and emotionally abused me since our marriage began. He is only a room mate to me now and I am attempting to get a divorce after much thought and heartache. He has called me so many hurtful things in fits of rage that I totally lost the respect and love that I thought I had for him. I absolutely cannot even stand him now and cannot wait to rid of him. If it weren't for my 9 year old daughter, he would have been gone long ago. He is a pathetic excuse for a man.

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go into his cellphone phonebook and edit your name yourself. I'd suggest: "hottest babe you'll ever know" or something similar. In fact, I'd do that before I ever told him I knew that he had his own 'nickname' for me. :lmao:

 

Then when he's just sitting around the house, call his cellphone. Excellent reaction, I'm sure.

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I have to tell you that my husband, I use that term loosely, has verbally and emotionally abused me since our marriage began. He is only a room mate to me now and I am attempting to get a divorce after much thought and heartache. He has called me so many hurtful things in fits of rage that I totally lost the respect and love that I thought I had for him. I absolutely cannot even stand him now and cannot wait to rid of him. If it weren't for my 9 year old daughter, he would have been gone long ago. He is a pathetic excuse for a man.

 

Scarlet - that's what I'm afraid of - just what you describe. I think I am losing all respect and love for him because he can be so mean spirited and say such hurtful things to me. It's sad to say but now I really enjoy the time he is gone. I seem more at peace with myself when he isn't around or when he goes back to his homestate to visit for a few days. Sorry to hear of your situation. It is awful to be so miserable in a relationship that the only thing you have to look forward to is a future without a certain person in it. You sound like a strong woman and you will make it. I sometimes wonder if I can make it because I get so down at times.

 

Amaysyn & Quankanne - I know what you are sayng is true. I am only hurting myself because I'm beginning to feel that nothing I can say will phase him. He "acts" hurt or upset but I really suspect it is just an act. He only truly has feelings for his kids (and brothers) but not for me. This is truly eating me up inside. I've never dealt with this degree of pain before. I was divorced from my kids' father but even the pain of ending that relationship doesn't compare to this. My ex and I grew apart so it didn't seem as painful. This time around I was so in love and completely devastated to learn that he cheated. Sounds stupid I know. Shouldn't I have been more upset at divorcing my the father of my 3 kids who I was married to for 15 yrs than at what my bf of 2 1/2 yrs did to me? I've went over that again and again in my head and I don't know why this is more painful.

 

Quankanne - I don't know if he's still cheating. I haven't seen any signs of it but then again I didn't know before either! :) I was fooled the first time around so I guess he could be again. He is adamant that he's not but his words are just that - words.

 

Thanks Jadestar - I think there's alot of truth to your words. Maybe if he thinks he is going to a counselor just to work on problems or "being happy", he will be more likely to go. I keep saying marriage counseling and he seems to think I will blame him for everything. I just want to get to the "whys" of what he did - does he just not like me, is it him, what is it that would cause him to cheat?

 

Jonesy - a good idea to change my name in his phonebook to something I like :) He told me I could change his name in my phonebook but of course I'm not going to do that. 2 wrongs don't make a right. What good would it do to call him an SOB or whatever? nothing. When I've harped on him for cheating, he will tell me to go and find a guy to cheat with. That's his answer for everything. He acts as though if I were to cheat on him - then he'd be off the hook. I wouldn't do that though.

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Then I would change your entry in HIS cell phone book to read: "best thing you ever let slip away" ................then I'd call him

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lovernotafighter
Then I would change your entry in HIS cell phone book to read: "best thing you ever let slip away" ................then I'd call him
woo I like that;)
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amaysngrace
it really isn't about him getting help, IMO, you are responsible for your part in all of this too. maybe in time you can go for couple's counseling, but in the meantime, you need to get past your pain and accept what he has done in order to make this a healthy relationship.

 

okay...i take this all back...i have read more of what you have said SueBee and i see it differently now. i recognize that you're in a very sad place right now and it isn't about his cheating only, it goes much deeper than that. he treats you badly in general, and you have done nothing to provoke him into doing so.

 

he betrayed the trust in your marriage. personally, i think he should have kept this to himself to spare you all of this. possibly he shared this with you because he wanted you to feel pain. he does not seem like a nice guy.

 

he speaks to you and treats you like crap. he is knocking down whatever you once thought was good about yourself. my xMIL once told my xH "you speak to her(me) like she's the dirt under your feet". i'm convinced he really believes this about himself. and he tried to make me feel as bad as he did.

 

i would suggest you go to your local women's center for counseling. they have much information and will help you if they can. if you can call and make an appointment, you may be able to schedule an appointment with a person who you can speak to, to air your problems and gain some new thoughts from them as well. where i live, the women who work there are people who have been where you are now. they can give very helpful suggestions.

 

it is hard to leave a relationship, any relationship. but i think you should really listen to your words when you say "you feel better when he's not there. that's when you can find peace" i use to feel the same way as you do. i left my xH march 9 last year and filed for a divorce six days later. we were divorced in december. i never, not ever once, thought i made a mistake in leaving him.

 

stay positive. stay strong.

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he betrayed the trust in your marriage. personally, i think he should have kept this to himself to spare you all of this. possibly he shared this with you because he wanted you to feel pain. he does not seem like a nice guy.

 

he speaks to you and treats you like crap. he is knocking down whatever you once thought was good about yourself. my xMIL once told my xH "you speak to her(me) like she's the dirt under your feet". i'm convinced he really believes this about himself. and he tried to make me feel as bad as he did.

 

i would suggest you go to your local women's center for counseling. they have much information and will help you if they can. if you can call and make an appointment, you may be able to schedule an appointment with a person who you can speak to, to air your problems and gain some new thoughts from them as well. where i live, the women who work there are people who have been where you are now. they can give very helpful suggestions.

 

Thanks Amayzn for your advice. I never thought of contacting a women's center for counseling. I think I'll look into that.

 

As far as his cheating, I found out - he didn't tell me until I had the goods on him so he had to admit he cheated. As far as knocking me down, yes this is. I used to be happy & nice but now I feel sad and bitter. I told him I would leave him simply to gain "myself" back. I want to be happy again. He seems to think I don't have anything to be upset about - I'm still in my hometown with my kids, etc. while he moved from his homestate to mine so somehow he is "worse off" than me. He says he isn't cheating now so maybe he thinks I should just accept that.

 

I do know that my 2 kids (17 and 12) and I have to move out now because his 17 yr old daughter wants to live with him this summer (which is ok with me because she needs help, read on) but she does not like my 12 yr old son and is a bully type with hitting, scratching, punching, etc. At present, she and her mother aren't getting along. This is his only daughter so he seems very lax in rules. My kids simply don't want to be around her at this point because of these problems. His daughter is in need of help in that she's been self-mutilating herself and I guess as a mother, I am scared some day she may turn that razor blade on my kids. She has been to a therapist a couple of times and my husband says she is not cutting now. I told him she really needs to continue going - she has alot of pain which I'm not sure where that comes from, but there must be a reason for the cutting. I asked one of my counselors if it could be because my H moved as to why she's doing what she's doing and she assured me that's not it. Now looking back, I know there were things going on mentally with his daughter before my H even moved away (the bullying, black makeup, clothes, etc.) I asked my H if he's sure she's not involved with Satanic cults or something? Of course not, he said, not his kid! But maybe his moving wasn't the cause of her cutting, but maybe it made it worse - I don't know. Maybe if she lives with him, things will be better for her. She won't have any rules or discipline from my H which is part of the problem with her mother - her mother had rules. But maybe they will be ok because he won't care what she does so there will be no head-butting. But anyway, I will get out of this house to protect my kids.

 

I do have another question....

I am willing to move out of this house and because we are both listed on the mortgage, can I just leave the house to him? Just take my name off of it if we divorce? I didn't know what happens there since the loan is based on both of us?

 

Thanks everyone for your help.

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catgirl1927
I do have another question....

I am willing to move out of this house and because we are both listed on the mortgage, can I just leave the house to him? Just take my name off of it if we divorce? I didn't know what happens there since the loan is based on both of us?

 

Thanks everyone for your help.

 

My ex was on the mortgage, but the loan was entirely based on my income. When we divorced, the house was part of my settlement and his name was taken off of it. But, he was a non-contributing spouse. (Boy, is THAT the understatement of the century) If the loan is based on both your incomes, I'm not sure how that will work. Can he afford the house on his own? Your attorney will be sure you are completely off the loan in case he defaults. I'm interested if anyone knows how this works...

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amaysngrace

i think most often the house needs to be sold and the equity is distributed equally. unless there is a pre-nup clearly stating otherwise. this also won't apply if one is able to buy the other one out.

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