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What HIS affair has done to me


ithurts2much

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ithurts2much

Some days are better than others. Today was not so good. I dont know why I rethink what has happened, it tears me up, why do I do it?

 

I found myslef today, crying like a child, sobbing so much my eyes are red and blood shot. I collapsed to the bathroom floor, clutching my towel to soak my painful tears. Something to bite, to keep me from screaming. Thoughts of them in my head, the times he lied to me, things he said to her, things he did with her, things he didnt do with me. These thoughts, sometimes, haunt my mind.The more I try to push them out, the stronger the images get. Then, I wonder, does he still talk to her, see her? How do I know? How do I know?

 

He is on his way home. Quick, grab my towel, throw cold water on my face, put makeup on to hide the red puffy eyes. Quick, put on my smile, act like everything is fine, and I am just so happy, thats wat he wants from me. Cant tell him I am unhappy, having a moment, a bad day. Its too much for him to handle. Why cant she just get over it, he thinks. I wonder if it really DOES hurt him to see me in so much pain?

 

Whats wrong he asks? Nothing I reply, while thinking you ignorrant stupid motherF***er, you cheated on me, remember? Cant mention it, unless of course I want to start a fight. No, no energy for that. I am a beaten down dog.

 

He is horney now, wants sex. I dont feel much like it but I cant refuse, I would then be NOT meeting his needs. Another reason to continue the affair I think, so I must please him, and keep him pleased, sometimes forsaking myself.

 

Tomorrow is another day, maybe a good one. Maybe I will feel love and be able to give myself to him. Have fun and laugh like we use to. Then in a week, I will feel just like this again.

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Walking away

I am speechless by the depth of your pain.

 

Please take care of yourself....you will find support here. Keep posting.

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harleygirl92156

I understand your pain, completely, been there done that. I really don't know what to tell you because nothing will make the pain go away but time.

 

Look closely at the man you are married to. Do you love him? Really love him? Is he working on your relationship as much or harder than you are or do you find you are working on it alone? Has he been open and honest with you about what happened and why it happened?

 

My husband and I are working things out, but he is working as hard on the relationship as I am. He has put up with all the anger I dished out and believe me there was a lot. He took it in stride, took responsibility for it, and has worked to do what ever he can to make me feel secure and safe in our relationship.

 

Did we fight, oh my, yes. Did he want me to just let it go and put it in the past and forget about it, oh my, yes. Did he deny and lie about it at first, oh my, yes. Did I see haunting images of him with her, oh my, yes and I still do today and it has been over a year.

 

But have we worked on making our marriage better once the initial burst of pain and anger eased and I could think straight. We work on it everyday, we communicate every day, we express love to each other everyday. It hasn't been easy, but I do have to say, I trust him more today than I did before I found out he cheated on me and we are closer today than we ever have been.

 

I don't know to this day if we are going to make it, but I do know the pain has eased, it isn't gone and I expect it never will be, but it is better. It has taken time, time, time and effort from both of us to make the marriage better.

 

If your husband is willing to work on the relationship along side you then I would give it a chance, if you find you are the one doing all the work, then maybe it is best to take care of yourself.

 

I am sorry you have to go through this, no one deserves it and I wouldn't wish it on anyone (well maybe the OWl....lol).

 

One thing I would say is stop hiding your pain from him, stop putting on a mask for him, let the pain out and let him deal with it along with you. You will be ok, just keep moving forward and above all, take care of yourself.

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Very real post..........EVERYONE should read it.....really gives another demension to the whole "OW/MM" scene.

 

I'm also very sorry for your pain......I am not a BS but reading your words makes all the pain I put my ex-turned back current boyfriend through while I was in an affair with my MM. Thank you for sharing.

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My god.......this must be a fresh wound. How painful for you.

 

I hope you have friends, family, or a counselor to talk to. A lot of people try to handle the pain on their own (for whatever reason), but few recognize the strength in seeking help for themselves. I hope you have this resource.

 

If nothing else, then you should know that sacrificing yourself for another is NOT a spouses' duty. You have a broken spirit, and the shards are attempting to save your husband, not yourself. Do not think that this is the 'way' to save your marriage, nor is it going to 'please' your husband enough to convince him to stay. Your anger at his lack of responsibility will not disappear with time.

 

You must get 'yourself' together, no matter how impossible that may seem right now.

 

If being home when your husband is due to return from work brings you anxiety, then don't be there. Unless of course, you have children, but there was no indication of that in your post. If you're home during the day, get up at a reasonable time, shower, get dressed, and go outside.

Go out into the world, and see good things. Don't focus your entire being on your husband and his actions. Go somewhere! Even if its to the bookstore to read books on how to handle it, go there! Go there everyday if thats what it takes, just don't sit home alone and 'think'.

 

After a while, you'll see that; 1) You CAN survive without him; and, 2) He's going to need to work his ass off to fix this one.

 

You need to be the person that you once were before he chose to break your heart. Don't stay that 'broken' person.......live a little. Decide for yourself whether or not you want to give HIM the chance to win you back. You'd be surprised at the reaction you'll get when you adopt this attitude - promise!

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Blind Illusion

I am not a BS but just wanted to say that I thought this post was so well written. Unfortunately, this is due to your pain so eloquently describing your thought process, but well written nonetheless.

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Cant tell him I am unhappy, having a moment, a bad day. Its too much for him to handle. Why cant she just get over it, he thinks. I wonder if it really DOES hurt him to see me in so much pain?

You have every right to tell him.

Your post was so sad.I hope you can come through this.

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catgirl1927

I'm so sorry you're in this place. You poor thing, and having to deal with it all alone! Do you have to stay with him? He sounds like a really bad person. You sound like a prisoner. No man is worth this, dear. No person is worth another person suffering like you are.

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Whats wrong he asks? Nothing I reply, while thinking you ignorrant stupid motherF***er, you cheated on me, remember? Cant mention it, unless of course I want to start a fight. No, no energy for that. I am a beaten down dog.

 

He is horney now, wants sex. I dont feel much like it but I cant refuse, I would then be NOT meeting his needs. Another reason to continue the affair I think, so I must please him, and keep him pleased, sometimes forsaking myself.

 

Tomorrow is another day, maybe a good one. Maybe I will feel love and be able to give myself to him. Have fun and laugh like we use to. Then in a week, I will feel just like this again.

__________________________________________

hey im really sorry you have to go through all this bull. im not married yet but im having the same problems.

 

i will tell you though, that no matter what you do, you cannot stop the affair. i have realized, no matter how much u pretend everything is ok, no matter how much sex you give him, no matter what you feel obligated to do in order to keep him around, no matter how much you feel you have to go out of your way to keep him happy and to keep him from cheating, it wont help. its sickening and so hurtful to know that you cant do anything about it but the bottom line is no matter what YOU do, it is HIM with the problem in your situation, and you cannot control it. so do what you want to do, dont let the situation hold you back, you should not have to walk on eggshells around him. if hes gonna cheat, he will cheat.

 

i also know how you feel when he asks whats wrong , and you pretend everything is ok and you dont want to bring it up because you dont want to start a fight. im in the same position as well. but he made the mistake, not you. when he asks you if something is wrong, you need to tell him whats bothering you. oh well if he gets mad, he caused the pain so when you are really down and out about what happened, he needs to know it so yall can talk about the problem. HOWEVER, if you have told him you have forgiven him already, in his eyes, it is done with. He will not want to hear about it anymore becuase he feels that you forgave him so you should not bring the situation up anymore and thats why he gets upset.i know thats not right, but in most cases, that is how the guy thinks. i dont know the whole situation, but i do know that he needs to understand that you may have forgiven him adn want to stay and try to work things out, but its not just gonna be magically pushed out of your head. he needs to know that the healing process for you will take a long time and you wont be over it in a day. if he loves you unconditionally, he will be there for you and he will be there during the healing process and he will stick by your side and when you want to talk about things, he will be there to talk. in order for you to get over the affair, you may have to understand it first. if you havent already, maybe ask him why he did it. but you have to approach him with the discussion at the right time. dont let it turn into a fight. talk calmy, no yelling no matter how much you want to just scream and cry and punch the h-e- double hockeysticks out of him, just stay calm and maybe he will come around.

 

again i am sorry for ur pain and that you have to deal with this, but just remember...ur life is not over with , its not the end of the world no matter how much it seems like it, and that you DO NOT have to walk on eggshells to keep him from cheating because that wont do anything but hurt your even more.

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After experiencing the same thing a year ago, the memories are still very fresh in my mind and embedded in my heart forever. Your post could have been written by me, everything you said I too felt.

 

Every day before my h was due home from work, I would get out the makeup kit to try to hide my red-swollen eyes. It didn't work, I just looked like a clown, red nose and all! The smile that he saw was actually frozen in place by the inch thick makeup. But I desperately had to try to look as good as humanly possible because my rival was a co-worker. So unfair, he only saw her while she was made up and dressed nice every day, so I had to pull my self together. I had to force myself to be nice to him when I really wanted to slap him silly for being such a selfish dumb-a**.

 

Everyday I cryed and wailed to the point I would become hoarse, and my throat would be raw. Breathing was another problem... sometimes I seemed to forget to do it, until I began to feel light headed and would realize I had been holding my breath.

 

I promise you will make it, for now just concentrate on getting through 1 hour at a time. It's won't be easy, but in time the pain will diminish. I still can't see a 29 year old blonde female without it bringing back painful memories.

 

I am so sorry that you are going through this, but in the end you will be a stronger person. Take care.

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why are you staying?

 

he is not a man that is acting as though he wants to make it up to you or is sorry for what he did!

 

this is called abuse - your mind set the way he is keeping you in this terrible place, under his control, hidden from those that will help you to feel better.

 

I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL! and I am so sorry reading your post! do not allow him to make you feel that you owe him anything, especially forgiveness, he should be begging you. the man you are describing, though, never begs - they just intend to make you feel worse.... they are not sorry and make you feel as though you made it happen - when you didn't do anything but provide a wonderful life. This is abusive behavior! I decided I would rather be alone! I am a wonderful gal and so happy each day now.

 

BE STRONG!!! I can't tell you how hard this may be, but you have a whole lot of people here that will help and support you and ideas on how to keep you safe.

 

we need more info on your current situation, as far as (generally what area you might be in), do you have children - do you have extended family that may be a resource for help?

 

keep posting honey, we will be here ....

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Your words echo mine two years ago. I didn't think I could live with out him, even though for the last 5 years of our relationship, I didn't really want to be with him. The pain of knowing there was some one else he spoke to about things he should have been speaking to me about. Sharing their bodies and even more - talking about me! I went back and forth on wanting him back for 9 months - then, it ended. What changed? What happened that I knew this was it?

 

The fact that my feelings didn't matter! Like you, I wasn't allowed to cry. I wasn't allowed to scream and yell at what a pig he was! When I complained about her, I was just a jealous bitch. WRONG!

 

I'm soooo sorry you are going through this. And I completely condone those who have chosen to try to make things work after an affair, my very best wishes to you! At this point I say to you: leave him! It was shortly after that 9 months that I found the one person I truly believe is my soul mate! I love him beyond words, and truly feel he feels the same about me.

 

I can say too that I am thankful that I went through what I did. It made me a stronger person. It made me realize my worth! It made me realize that I need to be able to feel what I feel, cry when I need to cry, scream when I need to scream - and if it's because of something he has done, he needs to be there and have the capability to listen and realize what he's done.

 

It's easy to say "I just can't take it when you cry" - because, it's hard for anyone to see some one cry when they know they are the ones who have caused the pain! But this isn't about him anymore - this is about YOU, and there isn't anyone to take care of you but YOU - so put yourself first! He was very obviously able to.

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My husband and I are working things out, but he is working as hard on the relationship as I am. He has put up with all the anger I dished out and believe me there was a lot. He took it in stride, took responsibility for it, and has worked to do what ever he can to make me feel secure and safe in our relationship.

 

Did we fight, oh my, yes. Did he want me to just let it go and put it in the past and forget about it, oh my, yes. Did he deny and lie about it at first, oh my, yes. Did I see haunting images of him with her, oh my, yes and I still do today and it has been over a year.

 

 

I could have written that, exactly.

 

Your husband needs to be accountable for the pain he caused you. He needs to see your red and swollen eyes. So what if it feels like a punch to the gut? It's his fault. You both need to be 100 percent honest with each other if you are going to get through this. HIding your pain from him will do no good. :( It will only destroy you. If he expect you to hide your pain, he may not be worth your love.

 

He needs to do everything he can do to make things better for you. It's all about YOU now, and if that means you have to have a good cry every day, and he needs to face your pain, then so be it. It doesn't have to be a huge blow-up fight. In our situation, we have a lot of painful discussions. These are necessary for dealing. You can do this without it turning into a shouting match. Involve a counselor, if necessary.

 

Hang in there. :)

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You need to realize that not all affairs are about sex only. You cannot fix the marriage without help and looking deep into why it happened, than decide if it's worth staying.

He won't leave the affair because you have sex with him five times a day or because you are happy. If he is happy with you and with her, he has no reason to leave - as of now. Put your foot down, be strong and get help.

I wouldn't pretend that I am happy. If you are hurting, let him know, communicate. Overall he is the reason of your pain.

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Some days are better than others. Today was not so good. I dont know why I rethink what has happened, it tears me up, why do I do it?

 

I can only tell you that eventually I forced myself to think about it and think about it and think about it, until I was so sick of thinking about it that my mind simply rebelled and went elsewhere.

 

What Chump64 said, however is true. If you can't be totally honest with him and let him see your pain, and live through it, if he expects you to just sweep it away, then you may want to think about what your future will be like. Total honesty on both of our parts is what got me through, and I think I can finally (2 years later) say that we are both doing well again.

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ithurts2much

Thank you all so much for your kind words. I was in so much pain when I wrote that, obviously. I am better, but I cant say that it wont happen again.

Sometimes I look at myself in the mirror, smile, and wonder if I really deserve better than my husband, he has even said so. Then I think about our two children, our marriage, and I dont want to throw away 15 years of being together, 7 in which we have been married.

 

He has told me the reason for the affair was me. I was not there for him. I was too busy working, taking care of OUR kids, and didnt give him enough time. He was not any better, but I didnt screw the relationship just because he didnt step up. He could have talked to me. If he said, "Hey, there is this girl I know and I am thinking of cheating on you with her because I think she fills my needs that you dont". If he had done that, yea, I would have listened. This hurts SO bad because it was not expected. I had no clue, I thought we were fine.

 

As far as I know, there has been no contact. I can snoop and try to find out, but I dont want to be that way. I want to say, I forgive, and just trust him, but I just cant. My husband, my love, my best friend, is no longer what I thought he was. I will never see that man again, and my heart aches for what I thought we had. Oh god, here come the tears.

 

He said he would go to counceling, but I dont want to. I dont want to sit and talk with some stranger our marriage. I want to do it on our own, we just have to figure out how.

 

It has gotten better yalking about what happend and why. I guess we had to wait for the fire to settle. Does that make sense?

 

I am again so grateful for everyones advice and support. I honestly felt so much better after reading your posts. They give me the strength to dry my eyes, hold my head high, and expect, no demand more for myself.

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Please, please, please do NOT let him blame YOU for his decision to go outside the marriage. There may have been tough spots in your marriage that you are both responsible for. The decision to cross that un-doable line was HIS and his alone. And you are right -- he could have come to you and voiced his displeasure, but he chose to find comfort in someone else instead. So HE failed. You did not. Do NOT let him pull that one on you. :(

 

I am biased about this, but I will tell you to RUN to a counselor. They have seen everything and are trained to detect problems with relationships, personalities, etc. They are on YOUR side, the side of the marriage. They don't take sides or look for blame in an accusatory fashion. If you had a physical illness, you would go do a medical doctor. This is a relationship illness. Why not seek the help of an expert? If you change your mind about this and you call around, ask if the counseling place has anyone on board who specializes in infidelity. Many insurance plans cover this type of counseling, by the way.

 

It sounds like you are better today, but don't be surprised if tomorrow or the next day, you find yourself on a heap in the bathroom floor, once again. If it's any comfort (and you probably know this), that kind of up-and-down emotional behavior is very common for people in our situations.

 

Take care, ok?

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Chump is right...on all counts. ;)

 

*You need to go to marriage counseling.

*You need to NOT blame yourself for your husband's decision to cheat.

*And you WILL be experiencing those "up and down" feelings for quite a while.

 

He has told me the reason for the affair was me. I was not there for him. I was too busy working, taking care of OUR kids, and didnt give him enough time.

 

Yes....there are usually deficits in the marital relationship that have not been sufficiently addressed. You do have a responsibility in those issues that existed before the affair.

 

That said, you did NOT cause your husband to go outside the marriage. There were ALWAYS other avenues available to him, up to and including divorce. It's not rocket science to know that adultery is not an acceptable method of dealing with problems in the marriage. He made a CHOICE to cheat. He didn't fall down and land on some OW by accident. :rolleyes:

 

You actually do him a disservice when you allow him to blame-shift. Because whatever self-justifications that allowed him to commit adultery in the first place won't get addressed.

 

I can snoop and try to find out, but I dont want to be that way. I want to say, I forgive, and just trust him, but I just cant.

 

Snoop away....for awhile at least. Why not? ;)

It's NOT a good thing to do indefinately because at a certain point ot does become unhealthy, but for right now....you need some reassurance that you're in a safe place. Your husband needs to be an "open book", and you'll feel ALOT better once you've established that fact with him.

 

"People with nothing to hide, hide nothing" --Dr. Phil

 

This should be a boundary for you. A "boundary" in rough terms means 'what he has to do in order to remain on as YOUR husband'. Your best bet right now is to decide what you really NEED from him. Then....let him know. He doesn't have a crystal ball. You'll have to tell him what you need.

 

That's a little bit scary, particularly when you're feeling insecure. But the bottom line is that you don't want to EVER go through this again. So, if he can't step up to the plate RIGHT NOW, you're better off knowing it than you would be wasting another 15 years on him.

 

He said he would go to counceling, but I dont want to. I dont want to sit and talk with some stranger our marriage. I want to do it on our own, we just have to figure out how.

 

You really do need to go. You need the support for one thing. It's hard to imagine right now, but you WILL feel better when you have someone in your corner. You'll also feel alot more secure once your husband is getting some guidance. He had to have rationalized and justified his behavior. Otherwise, he couldn't have done what he did. This defect in his thought-process needs to be addressed. If not, he's destined to repeat the behavior because he hasn't changed 'the way he does business'.

 

You can call the Member Services number listed on your health insurance card for a description of your benefits and a list of preferred providers in your area. As Chump said, alot of insurance plans are covering these services. Even if you have to spend some money on it....MC is still cheaper than divorce.

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Some days are better than others. Today was not so good. I dont know why I rethink what has happened, it tears me up, why do I do it?

 

It is understandable what you are feeling he cheated on you with another woman. You feel unworthy and insecure and think he will do it again. Who knows if he will do it again ? He might and he might not . You can forgive him but you heart probably won't ever forget the pain he made you feel. It does alot to a person when they are cheated on. Makes you put up a wall and a person can only get so close to you once it happens. He made you feel you wasn't women enough to fufill him that he had to go to another. This doesn't do anything for your self esteem and make a person feel they aren't good enough. Reguardless of what he says that you wasn't there for him ,that gives no person a reason to cheat. When you marry someone it is for good times and bad . If he was feeling neglected than maybe he should have came and talked with you instead of running into another woman's arm's. Maybe you could have went to counseling and got back on track. That didn't make anything any better in fact it cause more distance between you two. I know how it feels to be cheated on and it can do alot to one's self esteem . Good luck Hope it all works out for you.

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catgirl1927

Of course he told you it was his fault. He is never going to take ownership of what he did.

 

AUGH, this makes me furious! and the thing is, there's a guy on another thread who doesn't care if his wife lives or dies, who could probably read this and feel NOTHING. I know there are a lot of good men out there, but there sure are some crappy ones. Women are the same way, people can be so rotten!!!!

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