Wife in an emotional affair

[kashby]

I am 22 and I have been married for nine months. My wife and I are both still in college, and I have found out in the last week or so that she has been hanging out with a guy from work. She stayed out late at night with him for several nights, and she obviously has strong feelings for him.

 

I know I haven't been the best husband recently. I haven't been giving her the attention she deserves. Whenever I confront her about the relationship she seems to fall further away from me. I love her with all my heart, and I don't think she is doing anything physical, but it still is really hurting both my marriage and my grades.

 

When I back off it seems like we begin to reconnect, but she has still been seeing, texting, and calling him behind my back. I am in class all day tommorow and I found an e-mail of his saying he was glad they would see one another tomorrow. This was after she agreed not to go out with him.

 

I have done some snooping, and every time I find new information about her lieing. She has told me that she loves me like a brother, that maybe he is her soulmate, that she could love him if we were not married, and even asked if we could have a threesome. She also gets really uncomfortable when I tell her I want her to break contact with him. She says I am tryin to control her. (WOW writing that makes me feel like a total fool for staying with her.) The guy is leaving for boot camp on Wednesday and I think that could be the end of the relationship, but I don't know if I can stay with someone so dishonest about such an important thing. She also has recently said me and the other guy were being selfish and not letting her think of what she wants. (the guy has told her he loves her and wants to marry her) Should I get a divorce, see how it plays out, or what?

 

I contacted a marriage councelor for next week. During spring break we agreed to work on the relationship, but is it a lost cause if she can't even drop someone who will be halfway across the country?

[Bryanp]

You have been married only 9 months and during this honeymoon period she hangs with another man and goes out at night with him? She tells you she loves you like a brother but she could love him and thinks he may be her soulmate? She wants to have a threesome with him? You have got to be kidding here. If you think she has not been doing anything then you would have to be in big time denial. It is doubtful a person would have such feelings without having done something. This OM wishes to marry your wife without ever having messed around with her? Please open your eyes. She continues to lie to you and text him behind your back. My friend your wife is extremely immature. I would contact a lawyer to see about an annulment. Good grief. If she does this during the first 9 months of your marriage then I think it is a pretty good sign that you both have made a terrible mistake in getting married. Clearly your wife is not serious about the marriage for her to engage in such behavior. Again I believe you would have to be deluding yourself thinking that nothing has happened based on what you have written. It simply does not make sense. See a lawyer to understand your options.

[RecordProducer]

If she does this during the first 9 months of your marriage then I think it is a pretty good sign that you both have made a terrible mistake in getting married. Clearly your wife is not serious about the marriage for her to engage in such behavior.

I totally agree with this. You have lost (or never had) the foundation necessary to build a solid marriage.

 

However, you may decide to give her a second chance for the sake of giving it another try. The threesome joke makes me think that some day she really would have sex behind your back. I don't think she necessarily had sex with this guy, but she definitely wants to. She is totally hot for him in every aspect and admitted she loves you only as a brother. I wouldn't stay married to her if I were you. But this is your life and it has to be your decision.

 

In any case, make sure you don't have any babies before you make your relationship good (if you ever).

[kashby]

I don't know if this means anything, but she had been on an anti-depressent because of some long time family problems. In the last month or so she stopped taking them. She missed her lat counselor meeting and isn't returning their calls.

[Owl]

I dunno Kashby...could be a symptom, could be a cause. My wife got involved in her EA due to a large part because she'd stopped treatment for depression.

 

BUT...that was after 17+ years of good marriage at the time. We had a great foundation to rebuild from, or we could not have recovered like we have.

 

Given how young you both are, and how soon into the marriage this happened, I have to say that even if you work things out now, your marriage is going to be a risky one forever. While I'm sure you love her, I honestly do encourage you to give some serious thought as to what this has done to your trust and belief in her. You will NEVER have that foundation to recover from, given how your marriage has started.

 

I am a VERY pro-marriage guy...and I too married my wife young. But given when/how this has occurred, I seriously think that this is a case where you need to consider an annulment/divorce.

 

Sorry...I usually give more upbeat advice. I just don't see a great future for the two of you with this kind of start.

[Yamaha]

I seriously think that this is a case where you need to consider an annulment/divorce.

 

Totally!! After 9 months and she is behaving this way you never had a solid foundation to start. She is very immature and that does not help your cause. I believe she has already had sex with this man if she talks about him the way you describe. The fact she "loves you like a brother" says the marriage is over, in her eyes. You might try counceling but I really think you both need to sit down and reach an agreement as to the options for your future. A no fault divorce might be the best for both of your sakes.