GuestDepressed Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I join the ranks of the women who just found out they have been cheated on (he did it 8 years ago too - but they never had sex...yea riight). Ok, I accept fault for our marriage falling apart, but not for the affair itself. He tells me the A is both our faults, as I didnt fullfill his needs. Same here, but I didnt cheat. Anyway, he said he was almost out the door, buts wants to give our marriage one more try. He loves me, kids, dogs blah blah blah. I do see my faults and do see where I need to step up and be a wife. I have changed 360 since this affair. I have been much more affectionate, especially in the bedroom, pay attention to his needs, make and serve him his coffee every morning, I mean you name it and I have been doing it. I am trying so hard. I dont feel he is trying as much as I am, and when I tell him hw I feel he gets mad. Now, I dont bother telling him and I sit and suffer as he pays more attention to his remote control or computer screen (which he is viewing half naked women on it). Valentines day came, got corner store bought flowers at the last minute. Is he in a morning period over the OW? It seems he really only pays attention to me during sex. Then its just that, sex. No making love. I do love my husband, but I wonder how committed he really is? Shouldnt he be kissing my butt by now? Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 He tells me the A is both our faults, as I didnt fullfill his needs. No, maybe you were at fault for not meeting his needs - INWHICH he should have told you BEFORE he made the choice to cheat and have an affair. HIS affair isn't your fault. That is HIS fault. Bad and selfish choice he made... He has to go to marriage counselling with you. Be an open book and be 100% honest about his affair - And make sure it's really OVER between them. No contact with the OW. Tell him, don't ask about marriage counselling. Then take it from there and see how it goes. Link to post Share on other sites
Chump64 Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 When I found out, I gave my husband two choices: Meet my list of requests, or give me a divorce. Let him know what you need to stay together. If he can't agree to the terms, boot his a**. Frankly, he doesn't sound very sorry or remorseful, from what you say. That is not a good sign. My requirement list included many things, the least of which were (1) NO. MORE. F*CKING. LIES. EVER; and (2) marriage counseling, possibly for life. Good luck. If you tell him what you need and he won't do it, send him on his way. Link to post Share on other sites
cal gal Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 I am sorry to hear about your situation. My xh had the same attitude ten years ago - when he had the first affair I found out about. My reaction was the same as yours, make his life so easy and perfect that he won't need anyone else. Guess what? His life was amazing and he still needed to find someone else - half my age. NOW- he begs to get back together because he realizes no one will be as good to him as I was, and I WON'T go back! Some people will just NEVER be happy - no matter what! His sh*tty attitude ten years ago should have allowed me to understand what I was in for...... Link to post Share on other sites
travellingman Posted February 20, 2006 Share Posted February 20, 2006 He has to go to marriage counselling with you.. Can't just assume counselling is appropriate here. Many couples use it as a crutch, and it's often not helpful. It's better to agree to boundaries - how much porn is OK, house responsibilities, child care, etc. on your own. In this case, the guy is clearly taking his wife for granted, and he might not stop until he realizes how serious she is about leaving. Link to post Share on other sites
silktricks Posted February 21, 2006 Share Posted February 21, 2006 I join the ranks of the women who just found out they have been cheated on (he did it 8 years ago too - but they never had sex...yea riight). Ok, I accept fault for our marriage falling apart, but not for the affair itself. He tells me the A is both our faults, as I didnt fullfill his needs. So is this that he has done it twice - once eight years ago and again now? Or that he did it eight years ago and you are just now finding out? The affair is his fault and his alone. No one should go outside of marriage to get relief from problems in it. Don't let him try to convince you elsewise, as that will only make you crazy. That said, the problems that led to the affair are probably equally shared. Link to post Share on other sites
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