Our Situation is Dire.

[DesperateJ]

I'll try to be succinct. I am 28, my wife is 25. I am the only man she has ever been with this long. All her previous relationships were primarily hook-ups. She met me; we married.

 

My wife and I have been married for almost seven years. For the first four years of our marriage I cheated on her once a year, once for two weeks when I was living in another country. I've come to truly understand why I cheated and have been faithful ever since I confessed to her. She didn't find out, I confessed.

 

I immediately broke off all contact with the OW, deleting e-mails and addy’s, removing them from my phone, destroying pictures, etc.

We've been trying to put our marriage back together ever since. Right after I told her things were pretty bad with us sobbing and arguing in the street, what you would expect. But with that we still had good times.

 

I would say about a year and a half ago however things began sliding down and haven't stopped since. She began withdrawing emotionally, and physically. At first she just became more critical or short with me but over time she removed pretty much all forms of affection. That’s not true she still buys me things once in a while and she says that that is how she feels able to express affection for me, and I believe and appreciate that but those things aren’t enough.

 

She physically pulls away from me or stares into space when I try to hug her, or rub her shoulders. We haven’t had sex in a year and a half. We’re seeing a therapist, finally, but we’re really at the end of our rope. We’re about to move into separate apartments simple because it’s so hard to live together. I’m not allowed to hug her when she comes home from work, I’m not allowed to see her naked, she changes in the bathroom, I’m not allowed to touch her stomach, or any of her privates in a non-sexual but affectionate way, and she only touches me if we’re in bed and trying to sleep.

 

We’ve so many issues I’m not sure what I’m writing about. I guess is it possible to recover from infidelity of this scope? Our therapist says that she is depressed, but she won’t really consider anti-depressants. Are anti-depressants just a crutch or do they really help? Is moving into separate apartments a bad idea? Is there something I can do to help her? I used to be super affectionate, backrubs, picnics, poetry, baths, flowers, surprise phone calls to say I love you, love notes, and more. Now I’m just very tired. Well thank you for reading I appreciate it.

[whichwayisup]

She hasn't healed yet from your affairs. Even though you ended it and deleted the OW emails/phone numbers etc., she still seems to have a huge trust issue with you.

 

Have you two actually gone to marriage counselling? Did you two figure out WHY you felt it necessary to go outside the marriage and find OW? What was missing from the marriage to make you do that. These are things probably she needs answers to. What did she do wrong in your eyes, did you not find her sexually attractive? Was she mean, nitpicky and not meeting your needs - Did that push you outside to have an affair?

 

I think moving apart is a bad idea unless the marriage is over. DO you love her? I mean, heart and soul? If so, then you must do everything possible to make things right. Be an open book, answer all the questions she needs to know about, don't hold back. Even if it hurts her, she may want to hear it all.

 

I'll find a link for you from another poster, his name is DazednConfused. His wife cheated on him and he shared what he went through. Maybe reading his posts (it's long, but worth the read) could shed alot of light for you, so you can understand the hell your wife is feeling right now and why she is having a hard time opening her heart to you.

[whichwayisup]

Here's the link. Maybe print it out or something as it is long.

 

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/t40398/

 

Hope this helps!

[EMJ]

It may be that your marriage has run it's course, sorry to say. You were kids- 18 & 21 or so. A lot of growing up happens between that age and where you are today. I got married a 19, but left at 23 with my 2 year old. Not too many decisions you make at the at age are well formed because you were not a real grown ups at that time.

 

Your infidelities probable played a role, but it's more than likely that you were just kids and really didn't have enough life experience to make a lifelong commitment to anything, let alone a marriage.

 

She was really young and her hook ups before you were normal teenage experimentation and are pretty much meaningless. You did make some mistakes, but this is several years later and they don't mean all that much either at this point in the game. There will be people who say "Keep trying" or "you caused this" but they arent seeing the big picture at all. And thier advice is probably something you already tried. Not all relationships can be repaired and you can waste alot of time and energy trying.

 

I don't know if counseling can help someone who has lost interest in the marriage. Regarding medication, it's never a crutch for people who need it, and it's completely useless for someone who doesn't. Anti Depressants are medicine for missing chemicals that the brain needs to feel ok and does not make enough of, and it won't help someone who has other reasons for feeling down and unhappy. If she does not have a history of depression it may not be clinical depression at all. Just unhappiness about her life, and medicine does not change that.

 

I know you want to save this marriage but it might not be possible. Sometimes you just have to accept that people that grow and change and what worked 8 years ago doesn't work anymore. I know you want to hear something else, but if this has been going on for over a year, you might have to let go. If she has lost the passion for you no therapy in the world will get that back. Ask her if she wants a divorce. If she says she doesn't know or is not sure, it looks like Yes may be her answer. A separation may be a good solution for now to give both of you time to decide what you want and need in this life.

 

There is not much you can do once the fire of passion has been put out. her not wanting you to touch her in any sexual way is the biggest clue that says "Lost Cause". You do deserve a chance to be happy, if not with her, maybe later with someone else. I don't recommend that you keep trying if she's not actively trying too. She may not have the courage to say it, but it may be time to move on.

Good Luck, I wish you well.

[KnowHowLoveFeels]

Hi DesperateJ.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. But I have a very different opinion of what is happening with your wife than the other peope on this thread. It struck me that SHE may be having an affair because she doesn't want any displays of affection from you. I am finding myself in love with another man and any physical contact with my husband feels disgusting.

 

By the way, how long has she been changing her clothes in the bathroom? What reason does she give you for that??? And you just accept that?

[DesperateJ]

She hasn't healed yet from your affairs. Even though you ended it and deleted the OW emails/phone numbers etc., she still seems to have a huge trust issue with you.

 

Have you two actually gone to marriage counselling?

 

Thank you Whichwayisup for your response. We've been in therapy now once a week every week for about three months. The MC is helping I mean before that we couldn't even have a conversation about our relationship without my wife ending it sobbing and me feeling like I should just walk in front of a bus. And I have been completely forthwith with her answering every question she asked me about the A’s.

 

Did you two figure out WHY you felt it necessary to go outside the marriage and find OW?

 

I know why I went outside the marriage and it had nothing or little to do with my wife. For me having the A’s was a form of affirmation. For nearly all of my life I was the geeky kid who watched other people live so when I got older and women found me attractive it gave me a sense of self-worth. My wife gave me this too, but obviously that wasn’t enough. Now I’ve since have developed my own sense of self-worth independent of anyone, including my wife. I understand now that no matter what I have to love myself and feel I’m a worthwhile person even if I was on a desert island.

 

What was missing from the marriage to make you do that. These are things probably she needs answers to. What did she do wrong in your eyes, did you not find her sexually attractive? Was she mean, nitpicky and not meeting your needs - Did that push you outside to have an affair?

 

She didn't do anything wrong. I mean purely on a superficial level our sex drives are at different levels but that wasn't a problem when I had the affairs.

 

I think moving apart is a bad idea unless the marriage is over. DO you love her? I mean, heart and soul? If so, then you must do everything possible to make things right. Be an open book, answer all the questions she needs to know about, don't hold back. Even if it hurts her, she may want to hear it all.

 

I'll find a link for you from another poster, his name is DazednConfused. His wife cheated on him and he shared what he went through. Maybe reading his posts (it's long, but worth the read) could shed alot of light for you, so you can understand the hell your wife is feeling right now and why she is having a hard time opening her heart to you.

 

I'll read this post thank you again for responding.

[DesperateJ]

Thank you EMJ, the things you said i've considered many times. I'm just not ready to say this marraige is over... She says she wants to touch me but when she thinks about doing it everything that's happened just comes up in her mind and she just sees that. Then if I initiate something and we can't go through with it she says she feels like a failure. I guess part of the reason she's witholding all affection is because she thinks any affection is a precursor to sex and I can't seem to get her to believe it isn't. And you're right we were very young when we got married but she hasn't even thought about another guy since our first date. I wish I could say the same. I don't know if she's just normal unhappy or depressed but the therapist, who hasn't given her a thorough depression test, is leaning towards clinical depression. We just need something to give us some hope. We've been backsliding for so long that it just seems like the past two some-odd years have just been a really long break-up.

[DesperateJ]

Hi DesperateJ.

I am sorry to hear what you are going through. But I have a very different opinion of what is happening with your wife than the other peope on this thread. It struck me that SHE may be having an affair because she doesn't want any displays of affection from you. I am finding myself in love with another man and any physical contact with my husband feels disgusting.

 

By the way, how long has she been changing her clothes in the bathroom? What reason does she give you for that??? And you just accept that?

Thank you Knowhowlovefeels,

I considered that too, believe me...but she's adament when she says that she can't even look at another man let alone touch one. I get very jealous of her spending time with other men for too long, mostly because I don't feel secure in our relationship right now, but as jealous as I feel i've told her to sleep with someone else if that help things. I'm prepared for that. I just want things to begin to work again, for her to begin to heal and if that means she needs to sleep with another man to make us "even" then so be it. But she says she can't, that even if we were to divorce that she would probably not even be with another person for a longtime just getting over me.

She's an amazing woman, and i'm the love of her life; I just wish that now that I can be the man she always thought I was she could heal.

[sylviaguardian]

DJ,

 

I don't know if any of this will help but I am in the same situation as your wife just now. I found out my husband had been involved with someone else for a long time. Like your wife, I was distraught to begin with, now she sounds very like me. When someone has hurt you so badly and you didn't see it coming, it is natural to want to protect yourself from that person. I think that's where the problem starts: how can you be close to someone who has (indirectly) rejected you, how can you trust someone who you already know is capable of being deceitful.

 

It's so hard. I feel sometimes like most of my feelings for my husband died when I found out what had been going on behind my back. We still get on well, we always have, but there is no depth to it.

 

Women are fickle - for us sex is not usually just a physical release, it's also about trust so it's no surprise that that has gone off the boil.

 

I am not sure if her lack of affection is directly related to that or not. With me, I just lost a lot of empathy for my husband e.g. if he had a bad day, I find it hard to feel sorry for him. For me, affection is bound up with that, with wanting to comfort or show love.

 

I don't know if any of this will help. I am at a loss for an answer myself. I just plod on day by day and keep my head down.

[Kat2006]

While I agree with the recommendation and suggestions, and speculation of other posters, I might also add that you may want to consider a different therapist–if you don’t feel your W getting the care she needs, and of course, if your W is agreeable this.

 

“She says she wants to touch me but when she thinks about doing it everything that's happened just comes up in her mind and she just sees that.”

 

 

If this is indeed just about your past affairs, the feelings that your W is having are normal. The problem is the only one that can really truly help her in this, is herself. Allowing the train of her thoughts to run over everything that has happened, real or even imagined in her mind, is very painful, but normal given the situation. This is where the restoration of honesty helps and it does sound like you have got a great handle on this. As a W and a victim of my H affair, I had to come to terms with this. It is very painful and the reality is that there is nothing constructive in doing this and only keeps the wound open. But it does take some effort not to allow yourself to think about it. Time does heal and she will have to come to terms with this herself, when she is ready. If she is suffering from clinical depression, because her thoughts are low already she is only torturing herself by allowing thoughts to drift in this direction when ever you attempt to offer her affection and attention.

 

 

From my own experience I can tell you this with relation to affection, to a lot of wives this is very important in a relationship and they don’t feel they get near enough. To some husbands, maybe even most, sex seems to take precedence over this need and the two sometimes become blurred. If both these were needs that the two or one or the other was not feeling the other partner was not fully meeting–then these are areas that the two of you will definitely need to work on in the arena of your marriage. But here’s a problem, because the two get blurred at times, while your wife may want and even crave your attention and affection, past experiences have taught her that this will lead to your most important need. So simply, put, that is the point of it, not because you are trying to meet my need. Also the end of the means at this point may be a painful trigger for her–and yes, as said above this is something she is going to need to work on.

 

 

To restore your marriage you may need to show her that you are ready willing and able to put your own needs aside for the time it takes her to heal and recover from your infidelities. You may need to sacrifice you own need for a time to meet her need–which may be just affection without the string of sex attached. My recommendation from my own experience is that you may want to first try to renew and restore your friendship and companionship with her before recovering your status as her lover and husband. Try courting her again, with out pushing her. I see that you have been in MC for three months and sounds like you are making headway there. But it can take some time to recover from this and everyone is different so I am not going to quote you time. I told my H the other day that I just wish it was two years later and this was all just another bad memory in the past.

 

Best of luck,

[Becoming]

It takes an average of two years to grieve a loss. It sounds like you were her knight who turned out to be rusty and not trusty. Even if the affairs happened quite some time ago, she may have stuffed her emotions at that time and been ok for awhile trying to win you back, ignoring what it was that she really needed from you (probably because she didn't know), only to find all these emotions have just grown in the dark closet where she stuffed them until the door burst open spewing depression, shutting her down, forcing her to finally deal with them.

 

You're going to be in MC for much longer than 3 months if you want your marriage to work. Separation may just feel like abandonment to her unless it's her idea as a way to heal, which she may need. You can continue to court her even if you do.

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com and work through all the material there with your wife. There's some really good stuff there.

 

Good for you for asking for help! Best wishes.

[DesperateJ]

DJ,

 

I don't know if any of this will help but I am in the same situation as your wife just now. I found out my husband had been involved with someone else for a long time. Like your wife, I was distraught to begin with, now she sounds very like me. When someone has hurt you so badly and you didn't see it coming, it is natural to want to protect yourself from that person. I think that's where the problem starts: how can you be close to someone who has (indirectly) rejected you, how can you trust someone who you already know is capable of being deceitful.

 

It's so hard. I feel sometimes like most of my feelings for my husband died when I found out what had been going on behind my back. We still get on well, we always have, but there is no depth to it.

 

Women are fickle - for us sex is not usually just a physical release, it's also about trust so it's no surprise that that has gone off the boil.

 

I am not sure if her lack of affection is directly related to that or not. With me, I just lost a lot of empathy for my husband e.g. if he had a bad day, I find it hard to feel sorry for him. For me, affection is bound up with that, with wanting to comfort or show love.

 

I don't know if any of this will help. I am at a loss for an answer myself. I just plod on day by day and keep my head down.

Sylvia, i sorry to hear that we're in the same boat, i wouldn't wish this on my worst enemy. Thank you for being so honest. I think what you described is a lot of the ways she's feeling. I think overall she is trying to protect herself from getting hurt again, so even if she does empathize with me after i've had a bad day she doesn't show it so that I don't too close to her. It really sucks because she was my rock y'know the one I turned to for strength and now I can't anymore.

[DesperateJ]

While I agree with the recommendation and suggestions, and speculation of other posters, I might also add that you may want to consider a different therapist–if you don’t feel your W getting the care she needs, and of course, if your W is agreeable this.

 

“She says she wants to touch me but when she thinks about doing it everything that's happened just comes up in her mind and she just sees that.”

 

 

If this is indeed just about your past affairs, the feelings that your W is having are normal. The problem is the only one that can really truly help her in this, is herself. Allowing the train of her thoughts to run over everything that has happened, real or even imagined in her mind, is very painful, but normal given the situation. This is where the restoration of honesty helps and it does sound like you have got a great handle on this. As a W and a victim of my H affair, I had to come to terms with this. It is very painful and the reality is that there is nothing constructive in doing this and only keeps the wound open. But it does take some effort not to allow yourself to think about it. Time does heal and she will have to come to terms with this herself, when she is ready. If she is suffering from clinical depression, because her thoughts are low already she is only torturing herself by allowing thoughts to drift in this direction when ever you attempt to offer her affection and attention.

 

 

From my own experience I can tell you this with relation to affection, to a lot of wives this is very important in a relationship and they don’t feel they get near enough. To some husbands, maybe even most, sex seems to take precedence over this need and the two sometimes become blurred. If both these were needs that the two or one or the other was not feeling the other partner was not fully meeting–then these are areas that the two of you will definitely need to work on in the arena of your marriage. But here’s a problem, because the two get blurred at times, while your wife may want and even crave your attention and affection, past experiences have taught her that this will lead to your most important need. So simply, put, that is the point of it, not because you are trying to meet my need. Also the end of the means at this point may be a painful trigger for her–and yes, as said above this is something she is going to need to work on.

 

 

To restore your marriage you may need to show her that you are ready willing and able to put your own needs aside for the time it takes her to heal and recover from your infidelities. You may need to sacrifice you own need for a time to meet her need–which may be just affection without the string of sex attached. My recommendation from my own experience is that you may want to first try to renew and restore your friendship and companionship with her before recovering your status as her lover and husband. Try courting her again, with out pushing her. I see that you have been in MC for three months and sounds like you are making headway there. But it can take some time to recover from this and everyone is different so I am not going to quote you time. I told my H the other day that I just wish it was two years later and this was all just another bad memory in the past.

 

Best of luck,

Thank you Kat,

We just talked about maybe seeing a different therapist. We love our therapist now but maybe another one will help us in this next stage.

Also, the reason we haven't had sex in over a year is because I told her that we weren't going to have it anymore until she was ready. She knows that my affection won't lead to sex because we're not having it. I guess I need to cut out every type of sexual contact, at the moment, well as of a couple months a ago we were still trying to do things like stimulating each other with our hands. It's just that I mean...I'm 28 and yeah my sex drive has decreased as I've gotten older but I would still be happy having some sexual contact once a day, and my wife is beautiful and very sexy...It's just very very hard for me not to want to touch her. That's one reason we thought seperate apartments might help because then there wouldn't be all the this pressure on me not to initiate stuff with her and very little oppurtunity to do it. Everyone here so far has said seperate apartments is a bad idea and I don't want to not share a bed with my wife, but it would really help with courting her again.

[Becoming]

I think maybe separation can work--unless she is so suspicious that you'll use it as an opportunity to go elsewere that she'll sabotage it. We dunno that, though, because we really don't know what she's thinking.

[DesperateJ]

It takes an average of two years to grieve a loss. It sounds like you were her knight who turned out to be rusty and not trusty. Even if the affairs happened quite some time ago, she may have stuffed her emotions at that time and been ok for awhile trying to win you back, ignoring what it was that she really needed from you (probably because she didn't know), only to find all these emotions have just grown in the dark closet where she stuffed them until the door burst open spewing depression, shutting her down, forcing her to finally deal with them.

 

You're going to be in MC for much longer than 3 months if you want your marriage to work. Separation may just feel like abandonment to her unless it's her idea as a way to heal, which she may need. You can continue to court her even if you do.

 

Check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com and work through all the material there with your wife. There's some really good stuff there.

 

Good for you for asking for help! Best wishes.

Thanks Becoming,

I never thought about the fact that seperation might feel like abandonment to her...I think it was my idea originally...I'm going to ask her how it makes her feel. The thing is at the mo we live in a very small apartment which worked while we were still in college but is just too small right now to live in. We have to move because i will not stay here another year. But when I talk with her about moving she doesn't look positivily on us moving to a larger place, because it just doesn't seem like a happy move to her, and she doesn't like the idea of us seperating either. Still, she needs to know that if we choose seperation that I'm not trying to avoid her or the ugliness of this situation. For the most part I felt that us seperating would give her time not to have to deal with me...she went from her parents house to our house, with a year in a dormroom inbetween. She's never had a place of her own, just her own, and sometimes I feel like that she deserves that.

thanks again.

[Becoming]

Whatever you do, you're going to have to make your communications with her crystal clear and she with you. I hope your MC is working on that with you. I can't imagine that there's a woman alive who wouldn't want to believe that her man wants her so badly yet doesn't want to hurt her. Maybe the problem is she doesn't feel wanted for her, but just her body.

[DesperateJ]

Whatever you do, you're going to have to make your communications with her crystal clear and she with you. I hope your MC is working on that with you. I can't imagine that there's a woman alive who wouldn't want to believe that her man wants her so badly yet doesn't want to hurt her. Maybe the problem is she doesn't feel wanted for her, but just her body.

You're right; tonight I will talk to her and make it very clear that I am not trying to escape from her by separating. Mostly I feel the separation will be beneficial to her, not having to deal with my presence all the time, being able to have her own space which is something she's expressed in the past, not having to watch her behavior when she feels...uh like just being short and curt. We just seem to dance around each other in this tiny apartment and this way...I mean she said in MC that I make her uncomfortable and that's one of the reasons she has a hard time when I try to hug her so I figure this way she would be able to get away from me if need be. Y'know your home is supposed to be a sanctuary and if I make her uncomfortable how can ours be that to her?

[whatwentwrong]

to answer your question, antidepressents are fabulous if she is truely chemically depressed. how have you shown her that she can trust you forever. Why did you have affairs and why should she trust that you will not do it again. Have you read about love languages and do you know how she wants you to express love to her. Also, I recommend imago therapy to you guys. good luck

[DesperateJ]

to answer your question, antidepressents are fabulous if she is truely chemically depressed. how have you shown her that she can trust you forever. Why did you have affairs and why should she trust that you will not do it again. Have you read about love languages and do you know how she wants you to express love to her. Also, I recommend imago therapy to you guys. good luck

Thanks for your response Whatwentwrong. To answer your questions, she doesn't know she can trust me forever...I mean what person knows that. But A. I've been faithful now for two and a half years, B. I promised her that if anything ever happened again she would know, that i would never lie to her again, and C. I promised her if I ever wanted to step out of the relationship, wanted to really be with another person that I would end our relationship first. Those i think are the only assurances I can give her. I don't want to be with anyone else and I've told her that also.

I'm fairly certain I know how to express love to her but I have just been introduced to Marriage Builders and we're working our way through it. So I should be learning more.

Finally, what's imago therapy? Is it different than MC? If so in what way?

[Becoming]

she doesn't know she can trust me forever...I mean what person knows that. But A. I've been faithful now for two and a half years, B. I promised her that if anything ever happened again she would know, that i would never lie to her again, and C. I promised her if I ever wanted to step out of the relationship, wanted to really be with another person that I would end our relationship first. Those i think are the only assurances I can give her.

 

I don't know what your marriage ceremony was like, but mine had that "forsaking all others" part in it, which is standard. It doesn't sound like that's what you think the agreement was. I'd be willing to bet she does.

 

You've given her no assurance it won't happen again, and I suspect this isn't enough for her and she's wondering how to reconcile this apparent need of yours with her love for you and with her values that cannot accept such behavior.

[DesperateJ]

I don't know what your marriage ceremony was like, but mine had that "forsaking all others" part in it, which is standard. It doesn't sound like that's what you think the agreement was. I'd be willing to bet she does.

 

You've given her no assurance it won't happen again, and I suspect this isn't enough for her and she's wondering how to reconcile this apparent need of yours with her love for you and with her values that cannot accept such behavior.

Don't miss understand, when i said if i was going to step out of the relationship i would break up with her first, it mean't that I wouldn't cheat on her if i found someone that i was so drawn to that i just had to be with them then i would divorce her before doing anything.

My wife asks what type of assurances would you suggest I make? Because maybe you've some we haven't thought of.

[DesperateJ]

Don't miss understand, when i said if i was going to step out of the relationship i would break up with her first, it mean't that I wouldn't cheat on her if i found someone that i was so drawn to that i just had to be with them then i would divorce her before doing anything.

My wife asks what type of assurances would you suggest I make? Because maybe you've some we haven't thought of.

But that doesn't mean that i want that to happen or anything, or that i'm looking for someone, cause i'm not.

[Becoming]

But that doesn't mean that i want that to happen or anything, or that i'm looking for someone, cause i'm not.

 

Ok, but it could sound like you've left the door cracked on the possibility, and that may be what she's nervous about.

 

And you know, much as you'd like there to be, there really aren't any assurances possible, are there? Your actions will tell her all she needs to know with regard to the sincerity of your words. And that will simply take time.

 

As to what she needs to be able to really forgive, only she can say, and she needs to get clear on that and communicate it to you or her holding onto it and over your head (probably subconsiously) is going to kill any chance you have at restoring what's broken. She may just need you to see her hurt and acknowledge it and see your remorse and contrition. Maybe she hasn't to her satisfaction (even though it may indeed be there!)--she just doesn't see it enough to convince her. Maybe she (again subconsciously) enjoys the power she has over you because she didn't feel it in the relationship before. I dunno; I'm not there.

 

Each relationship is different. But maybe what you need is a do-over. Maybe a separation for a set time under clear mutually-agreed upon rules would be good as a way to clear the deck, start over. You can begin courting again and use the time apart to grow as individuals and test whether or not you really want to be married and what that means to each of you. Continue in marriage counseling, working through http://www.marriagebuilders.com, courting, and then at the end of that time have a marriage vow renewal ceremony however you choose. During that time she can see by the way you live your life if you're really sincere about never wanting this to happen again. But your life is gonna have to be an open book.

[DesperateJ]

Thanks Becoming,

I mean i think you're right, only time will show her how commititted I am. I know two and a half years to be dealing with something like this isn't a long time as far as marraiges go but it seems like this has been our whole relationship. She feels the same way; we both feel like we just need something...some kind of progress. We're both comprimising so much of our lives right now, for one we we're supposed to move to Japan two years after we graduated and that hasn't happen. She's considering taking anti-depressants something she said she'd never do. We just need a little progress to show us all this work is worth it, y'know? I guess we're both just scared of pouring all of ourselves into a bucket with holes in the bottom.

[Becoming]

I guess we're both just scared of pouring all of ourselves into a bucket with holes in the bottom.

 

Lovely metaphor. But you know only you two can identify the holes and work together to plug them. Wonder if you could work on that metaphor together to do just that--what are the holes where the love/trust/good stuff runs out we keep putting in? And how do we patch them.

 

Have you checked out http://www.marriagebuilders. com? Incredibly helpful stuff to help you do just that.