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Best friend sleeping w/ a married man


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Old 23rd October 2005, 4:27 PM   #1
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Best friend sleeping w/ a married man

My best female friend from high school (I am also female, we are both in our twenties) lives a few states away. She has fairly low self esteem and is not very mature but I love her like a sister. This girl started seeing a guy from work two years ago. He's married. He promised her he would leave his wife, and of course he hasn't. She has graduated college and is still living in the same small town, being depressed and spending her time waiting to see him and fighting with him about when he's going to end his marriage (which is only about three years old and involves no kids).

I know that he won't leave his wife. She emails me and tells me everything he says, and I can see that he is just using her. His excuses are very standard.

My friend says I'm the only one she can talk to about this. I want to stay on her good side (meaning, I don't want to alienate her by lecturing) but how can I help convince her to end this? I want to be a good friend but I also want to shake her and tell her she's being an idiot.

So far, I've been supportive of her feelings and tried to suggest that he isnt' worth it by pointing out how much pain he's putting her through. I wish I could convince her to stop. I know I can't make her decision for her, but does anyone have any suggestions on a good way for me to help her through this? She's getting very sad, and I'm scared for her.
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Old 23rd October 2005, 4:29 PM   #2
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I would tell her about this site. LS has many many stories she might learn from. She won't believe unless she experiences it herself or can relate to other stories.
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Old 23rd October 2005, 7:48 PM   #3
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If he is maintaining a two-year affair in a three-year long marriage, he is either a classical serial cheater or has other motives to stay with his wife, given that they don't have children and he could leave her almost painlessly.

Even if he would leave his wife, he still remains a cheater and would probably do it again. In any case it's best for your friend to dump him and not respond to his calls (keep no conatact) until he splits with his wife and files for divorce. If he loves her and wants to be with her, he will leave his wife; if not then he would have never left her anyway. Two years is enough for him to make up his mind.

Your GF is young and this might be a good lesson for her to learn, but she may get pregnant. And if she is against abortion, this might complicate her life. There are cases on LS where women had their MM's children and have many problems related to it (financial problems, the wife's hatred, MM don't want to see their kids, etc.).

If she believes that he loves her, she should believe that he will leave his wife. But he won't do it as long as he can have them both. She needs to remove herself from the afair and make it impossible for him to enjoy both women. If she is not sure he'd miss her that much, then why is he worth the pain at all?
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Old 24th October 2005, 8:51 AM   #4
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Remind her of the old saying:

If they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you.

She is getting used big time, the guy is a snake. If he really cared for her, he'd have got out of his marriage right off the hop.

My ex has been seeing a married man for 7 years and she STILL doesn't get it. His wife finally threw him out a month or so ago and he still doesn't want to be with her on the up and up. Of course he's fine with sneaking around with her. I guess she's fine as an appetizer, he just doesn't want her as the main course. Can you say "dirt bag"?

Your friend may not listen, but give it a try.

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Old 25th October 2005, 7:16 PM   #5
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Thanks for the sound advice, guys. I'm doing my best to hold the middle ground on this- I know that calling him a dirtbag (no matter how much he is one) will make her just shut off her ears and not listen to me. But I also know that if I allow her to believe that I think it's okay and it might work out, then I'm going to feel even worse when she crashes and burns.

It's a really, really tight situation. I've suggested everything I can think of. She doesn't seem to have the willpower to take the phone off the hook.
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Old 26th October 2005, 12:36 AM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luxie
Thanks for the sound advice, guys. I'm doing my best to hold the middle ground on this- I know that calling him a dirtbag (no matter how much he is one) will make her just shut off her ears and not listen to me. But I also know that if I allow her to believe that I think it's okay and it might work out, then I'm going to feel even worse when she crashes and burns.

It's a really, really tight situation. I've suggested everything I can think of. She doesn't seem to have the willpower to take the phone off the hook.
I've been in her position. I can tell you, she's not going to listen. She has to learn for herself. All you can do is be there for her when she gets hurt.
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Old 26th October 2005, 9:22 AM   #7
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Erika, what is one thing you wish your friends had told you? Is there anything that would have made it easier on you while you were in her position?
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Old 28th October 2005, 12:04 AM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Luxie
Erika, what is one thing you wish your friends had told you? Is there anything that would have made it easier on you while you were in her position?

All my friends told me I was gonna get hurt. Told me he was never gonna leave his wife.. yadda yadda yadda. Told me I deserved better. I don't think anything they could've said would've made me stop. I was at a pretty unhappy place in my life, and he made me feel special. They just let me learn my lesson for myself. They knew that nothing they were gonna say could stop me. But more than anything in the world, I appreciate them being there for me when it ended. Having friends made it easy for me.
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Old 28th October 2005, 1:11 AM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by erika2610
All my friends told me I was gonna get hurt. Told me he was never gonna leave his wife.. yadda yadda yadda. Told me I deserved better. I don't think anything they could've said would've made me stop. I was at a pretty unhappy place in my life, and he made me feel special. They just let me learn my lesson for myself. They knew that nothing they were gonna say could stop me. But more than anything in the world, I appreciate them being there for me when it ended. Having friends made it easy for me.
Thanks, that helps. I hope she doesn't resent me later for NOT calling him a dirtbag.
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Old 28th October 2005, 1:36 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Luxie
Thanks, that helps. I hope she doesn't resent me later for NOT calling him a dirtbag.
She won't resent you. Trust me. You can TRY talking to her if you want. But only tell her what you need to tell her once, if you keep telling her things, that's when she'll resent you. But if she's like most OW, she won't hear what she doesn't want to hear.
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Old 28th October 2005, 9:44 AM   #11
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You say your friend is sad and depressed but think about the guy's wife. Your friend is only hearing his side of the story as far as what his wife is like. He's probably making her out to be a witch so telling your friend that this affair is also hurting the wife probably won't do any good either. She most likely already doesn't like the wife.

I think Erika is right in that nothing you say will convince her what a dirtbag he is. She will just have to live through it and hopefully she'll get out of the mess before too much more damage to her and his wife.
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