Think wife is cheating

[gambrel1013]

Hello all I have some issues I guess I would like to talk about. I think I have always been jealous husband I don't think Im controlling or anything. Well any I have been with my wife well married for 1 1/2 years and off and on for 8 years. Last Saturday she went to a wedding with my daughter she was a flower girl and my wife was a attendant. I stayed home with our 2 year old because it was to hot out for her and i didnt really want to go anyway. Now on sunday I was asking my daughter about the wedding and she said mommy has a boyfreind. Now I know thats nothing, but I started to ask some questions to my daughter and stuff and found out that mommy and this guy were dancing and talking all night. And that she couldnt find mommy and had to have someone else help her find mommy turns out mommy was smoking out side. My wife called about 12am and said she was coming home I said ok can I talk to my daugter. I talked with her and mommy said we got to go let him go. And on sunday the day after I asked my daughter about that and she said this guy hugged adn gave mommy a kiss. I dont know what kind of kiss though. So she gets home saturday night and we end up having sex and everything is cool

 

So now Im suspicious, I look in her email I even changed the password so I could get in there and she later found out. But on sunday I asked her about everything and she told me guys were hitting on her but didnt say to much about this guy. She told me she hugged him and he kissed her on the cheek.

 

So Im still suspicious, so on sunday night or monday i download key logger and find out what she wrote. She wrote I was looking at you all night and wanting to be so close to you and want to kiss you. And that our marriage is just a piece of paper and that she doesnt know how much longer she can fill the role of wife. Maybe when she finishes school. And that she wants to see him again maybe just one time and that they will see each other and think there both ugly and that it was just the booze talking. Along with I dont want you to think im stalking you or some sex crazed predator

 

So Ifreak out and confront her and she gets pissed, I leave and go to a friends house and she left with the kids.

 

The next day there is an email saying call me. Husband can somehow see my email and that we separated for a day or so. And that she didnt want to get into it over the email.

 

so now I call everyday I know I shouldnt, I know Im a good husband and father.

 

I looked at her cell phone log and heard a message from him saying he wants to get together. He called tonight I heard another message saying maybe we can get together some time.

 

So we have some fights she needs space to think, amd that Im controlling and untrusting.

 

We finally made up yesterday and are going to try to make it work, with some changes like me getting off the couch, and chasing my dreams so she can be proud of me. We even had sex today, but the weird thing was she said put it in without a condom a few times, she was loving the sex, it was odd.

 

We have talked and I have tried to be understanding and give her time and space, and I feel I know Im not the most communicative person in the world and she is a very deep person, I think she belongs in the 60's as a flower child hugging trees and stuff, but that is what I love about her. I feel now I am telling how I want to change and be a better person and not letting her talk to me.

 

What do I do I have been sick for days now, trying to find out if she is still taking to this guy.

 

Before we made up she went off and said I have never done anyting before why would I now. She wrote me in her journal and had me read it and said im controlling and wont stop asking the questions and wont leave her alone to think.

 

Before all this we were great, maybe I took it for granted the cardinal sin of marriage.

 

What should I do?

[Bryanp]

Hello,

 

At first I thought you really did not have much proof but the phone calls confirm it. She is married but continued to contact this guy wanting to get together and telling him she is not a sexual predator and telling him your marriage is just a piece of paper? I think you have real problems. Her showing you now a journal saying you are controlling is ridiculous. What is that supposed to prove. My guess is that the reason all of a sudden she wanted unprotected sex with you is that maybe she had unprotected sex with this other guy and in case she gets pregnant she will say it has to be you. Something certainly is not right in your marriage. I wish you luck.

[MyManCantletgo]

I know you both have kids together but that is not he only woman in the world there are other fish in the sea. It sounds like you need to do fishing. Sounds to me that this whole thing started way before this wedding she went to with all emails you say she recieved you don't want a woman like that in your life or as a role model for your daughters you need to know that just because you have children with this girl you do not need to stay with this girl. Let her go you are doing the right thing by allowing her to do her own thing. like the saying says "LET THE BIRD GO IF IT COMES BACK IT WAS MENT TO BE"

[michelangelo]

I think a lot of cheating women get off on the idea that they have two men sexually.

 

She's comparing the two of you. Then she's going off to justify to herself that what she is doing is for her "needs."

[passing by]

Hmm.. let's see... she's spends the day with some guy dancing and hugging and kissing... emails him afterwards saying her marriage is a piece of paper, blah blah... phone messages about meeting up somerewhere... and YOU are the problem here?

 

Two things jump out at me on in your post.

 

#1: Why dont' you trust her? Why do you keep keyloggers on your computer, etc? Has she cheated before? You say you're a jealous and controlling person. Why do you say that? If you act the way you do because she's cheated before, you aren't a controlling person. You just don't trust her anymore.

 

#2: What she's doing seems like an old cheater mechanism. Making you think you're crazy. Like soemthing is wrong with YOU when the problem is not YOU, it's HER. Making you feel guilty and like there's something wrong with you for feelings that you have every reason to feel. My husband did this for years.

 

#3: You seem to have negative ideas about yourself. In your opinion, you're "jealous" "suspicious" "untrusting". She's all wonderful tree hugger type and you're defective. Where is this negativity coming from?

 

Controlling doesn't have to be an in your face kind of behavior. People control through guilt, making the other person feel insecure, anger, shouting, complaining, making them doubt their judgment, making them feel unattractive or inadequate. There are lots of ways to control another person, some of them very subtle. Perhaps the contol freak here isn't you. Perhaps you have reason not to trust her.

[Dean3922]

You definitely have reason to be concerned. When they get mad and accuse they are hiding things from you. The phone calls and emails tell you she is thinking of this guy and either has or is thinking about getting together with him. The fact that she and this guy were together at the wedding with your daughter there says she either doesn't think about the consequences or doesn't care if you know. Everybody knows that children will spill the truth, even if you don't want them to.

The unprotected sex could be an issue if she isn't normally like that. As Bryanp says she might be covering her tracks. I would watch for other signs of different behavior with her; sexual positions, more aggressive, etc.

Talk to her and find out what she thinks about him and your marriage. If she is unwilling then you are in deep trouble. Suggest MC and I hope she is up for a chance at saving your M.

 

Good Luck:(

[gambrel1013]

Thanks all for answering my questions. I guess on Saturday I let her sleep, she works the 3rd shift. We were pretty nice to one another. I try to explain to her how I feel. Which I know she needs space to think and how I understand how the kids, bills and school and everything else adds up and we dont have enough time to communicate. And I kind of went off and said why are you doing this to me? She came back and said we could work it out and it will take time.

 

So now I pretend like everything is normal. Im going to the gym more and Im gonna try and go back to school. Im gonna be a better person because of this, even if she doesn't want me. Plenty of other fish in the sea. But If she does want me I will work it out. Sorry got on a rant there...

 

We then went out on Saturday night and everthing seemed ok. We were dancing and kissing and totally smitten for one another. Sunday we went running and I went and picked up the kids. About 9 or 10pm I was helping her with her homework and we finally got done.. Then we started talking and I said something really bothers me. I dont think you cheated on me, but why did you talk to this other guy, and are you gonna see him again or talk to him again. She said no. I said tell me why he was so special, and she started to get pissed, and said this is my own thing I needed to see why I had these feelings I have never felt this way with another guy before you. I said well explain she said no, I want to have my own thoughts and feelings. Well I just want openness and honesty. She said to be honest, I need my own feelings and my own things. Like email, journal etc... I said ok, thats fine but if you meet someone and you get these feelings, will you please tell me, she said honestly no I wont. I was like whatever.... I know we were both tired so I said f this and went to bed.

 

Now this morning she is all nice and wanted to make me coffee and set up an appt for counselour @ school. She has called me and we talked and joked and I explained to her that, I know she doesn't have anyone else, she cant talk to her mom or not to many friends, and that i want to become friends adn will support her in all her beliefs, dreams, goals etc.... I just want to be her best friend and be there for to cry on, laugh with and all the rest.

 

Am I naive.. I believe she was reaching out to me, to be her friend and she just needed someone to talk to and this guy gave her some confidence which she needed. Now I think I understand my wife better. And want to be a better husband..

 

But for some reason I am still suspicous

[michelangelo]

Hell, yeah you are being naive!

 

Any wife who says she needs space to to think while at the same time admitting to at the very least an emotional attachment to another man AND is not willing to cought up the real situation, all of it, to you, is evading telling you the obvious: she's been cheating. both emotionally and physically.

 

So she tosses a little physicallity your way and you hope that means something?

 

Not by a long shot.

 

Her not telling you what is going on, insisting on the priviacy of her thoughts?

 

What tripe!

[LucreziaBorgia]

But for some reason I am still suspicous

 

As well you should be.

 

1. I said tell me why he was so special, and she started to get pissed, and said this is my own thing I needed to see why I had these feelings I have never felt this way with another guy before you.

2. I said well explain she said no, I want to have my own thoughts and feelings.

3. She said to be honest, I need my own feelings and my own things. Like email, journal etc...

4. I said ok, thats fine but if you meet someone and you get these feelings, will you please tell me, she said honestly no I wont.

 

1. She admitted that she has feelings for someone else. At the very least its good that she told you this. But... that means that there is a void in her feelings for you. That void will continually come back to bite you in the butt. In order for your marriage to have any chance at all she doesn't need to focus on her feelings for other men - she needs to figure out where this void with you has come from and if there is any way for the two of you to work on this besides her outside interests to fill that void.

 

2. Everyone is entitled to their own thoughts and feelings. At least she is honest enough to tell you that she is having them. However, allowing those to build within her own safe haven of secrecy will tear your marriage apart.

 

3. She is setting the stage to allow herself to pursue her 'outside interests' without your interference. This doesn't bode well. She is letting you know that she is basically partitioning off a part of herself from you where she will nurture her 'affair' feelings. That little secret section will grow out of control - if it hasn't already.

 

4. In other words, she won't tell you when she is having or intending to have an affair. I would say its a pretty safe bet she's already having one - and has told you only enough information to get you to back off of it so that she can continue - this time with your perceived 'permission' to do so.

 

Dangerous territory. You'll want to be very, very careful with this. Only extend the amount of "privacy" she has to the amount you are willing to lose from her. She has given you ample, AMPLE reason to be suspicious now. She has you convinced that you know all there is to know, but I would bet some good money that the "truth" she has told you is only the tip of a very ugly and catastrophic iceberg. The first "truth" in an affair situation is NEVER the whole truth. They will tell you only what they think you already know, and will convince you there is nothing more - because their top priority is to protect the 'happiness' they have found with their OW/OM from you. She will do things to make everything appear 'ok' to continually throw you off track (like the great sex, etc).

 

If she thinks the only alternative is an unhappy or flatlined marriage (and being an affair will make the WS see the marriage this way whether it is or not) - then she will fight that much harder to preserve the affair.

 

Keep keylogging. Print out all incriminating stuff. Eventually you will have to confront her, "privacy" be damned if you want to save this marriage.

[michelangelo]

Bingo.

 

Sadly, what LB says is spot on. Listen to those words.

[whichwayisup]

I said tell me why he was so special, and she started to get pissed, and said this is my own thing I needed to see why I had these feelings I have never felt this way with another guy before you. I said well explain she said no, I want to have my own thoughts and feelings. Well I just want openness and honesty. She said to be honest, I need my own feelings and my own things. Like email, journal etc... I said ok, thats fine but if you meet someone and you get these feelings, will you please tell me, she said honestly no I wont. I was like whatever....

 

Uhmm, she is married to you...She shouldn't be "exploring" feelings with any other man! You're her husband - DID she forget that? She's forgotten her vows to you.

[lilmoma1973]

Hey ,

I wouldn't trust her you see that she doesn't want to be a Wife as you found that out from the keylogger.. i know it isn't right to snope in peoples things but if i was you i would keep the keylogger on her .. You don't want to be the dumb one and she have her cake and eat it too !! Good Luck ..

[Worried7]

Yes It's quite obvious. I'm so sorry..infidelity is one of the worst things that can happen to a person. The best advice I can give is move on from her and find somone who will treat you right, love you, love your kids, and never do that to you. Good luck, I'll be praying for you.

[johnmona]

I know of a program that you can download that will allow you to track every keystroke on your computer. You can read her emails, instant messages, and it will take a snapshot of the computer screen every so often, so you can see what she's looking at. Why don't you go download the trial, and if you like it, buy it.

 

It's called snooper software, and it's virtually invisible. She won't know it's running on the computer.

 

http://www.monaghansecurity.com

 

I got burned by a cheating wife. Put your mind at ease. Ultimately, you just want to know that you aren't getting played. If she wants to move on, so should you. It won't be healthy for the kids. Go try this an put yourself at ease.

 

John