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Does it ever heal ........?


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exoticdesi

Why is it that the hurt person feels more pain, confusion, delimma, then the person who actually is dishonest in relationship. After 12 years of successful marriage (am 38, wife 32) and two beautiful kids, my wife cheated on me. She had two months relationship. Hell broke loose when she confessed (yeah, she confessed, otherwise I would have never known). She got emotionally attached (had physcial relation too), went through roller coaster ride of all kinds of emotinons, hatred etc etc in last 8 weeks. I threatened to get a divorce, but found out it wasn't that easy when the axe fell (partly because of the kids too!). I gave her one chance and we are working towards it. We have decided we will not fight, especially not in front of kids. She had a ego size of elephant which she is curbing it at the moment to make things work. But there are many unanswered questions and I would really like input from people who have gone through these kind of situations.

 

a) Is a cheater always a cheater ? What would stop her from not doing this all over again ? I don't want to go through this pain again. Sometimes I feel like she is genuienly trying and sometimes I feel she is faking it ... Has anyone of you had successful rebuild and what steps were taken ?

 

b) Initially she didn't want to stay with me, was blinded in love, but after she realized that the OM will not divorce his wife, leave his kids, there is no future there, she want to stay with me. She tells she has nothing to do with OM. She has NC with him. She says she is sorry, will never happen again yada yada...And she wants to rebuild our marriage for the sake of kids. Good from her point of view. But I feel differently. She is staying for simply selfish reasons. She is staying because she has no choice now. She will have to give up all the comforts, luxury, mercedez and will have to work in grocery store. I feel used. How valid is that ?

 

c) From my perspective, I love her very much, I care for her. I know that she would be nowhere if she left me. I didn't want her on streets. But there is not much of remorse for past deeds or fear of future. She tells me if you want to divorce me, divorce me. she (says) will go where her fate will take her. Personally, I am not a person who believes in tasting poison for the sake of it. I know if we divorce it will be a irreversible process, and that is why I am a little reluctant to take the big step. But does that make me a coward ? Would I be losing respect in this process ?

 

d) She fulfils all the housewife responsibility, takes care of me kids perfectly except the physical part. It is weird that after all that has happened (her having sex with OM), I still feel like kissing her, having sex with her (probably physical needs). On other hand she doesn't feel like it. Is this normal and how long can I stay like this ? She has told me to go out and fulfil my desires as she is not providing it, but I am afraid of diseases and STD. On the other hand, I also don't like to force myself on her. If I tell her she has to do it as part of her duty then she will do it but that is no fun. It also pushes her farther away from me. The bottomline is I feel that the desire and attraction is gone for now. Will this ever come back. Because I cannot simply live under one roof with a person who says "I love you" verbally but I don't want to kiss you or I don't want to have sex with you. I feel actions are not equating to words. Is this correct or is my thinking wrong? Can a woman be in love with her husband and still not feel attracted towards him ?

 

e) The other thing I am very confused is regarding the approach I should be taking for making things better. If I shower her affection, love, gifts, fulfil her wishes and publicly display how much I love her, she would feel I am a wussy. "Love must be tough" book advises not to do that. She will loose any respect she has for me. She will take me more for granted and think me for an idiot fool. If I ignore her, be stern with her, not show my love - then it brings us back to the main problem where the lack of attention and love from my part (that's what she says), created the distance between us and forced her to look elsewhere. I tried both approach and failed. When I hug her or kiss her or say "I love you" and she just sits there and does not reciprocate, makes me feel like stupid ass. She would say yes I know, but I don't share the same feeling right now. The other time when she came to hug me, I didn't reciprocate. She tells me that I am not wanting to make things work and would I be ever able to forgive her for what she did inspite of all the efforts she is making. She goes into her shell, doesn't communicate and the whole evening and next day gets ruined. So it is lose-lose situation either way. Any advice ?

 

Sorry, I made this too long, but I am pouring my heart out here. I would really like inputs from you guys who have been through similar situation especially from dazed and whichway...? Thanks

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Exo - Similar situation to mine. Married 25 years. Her affair was about a year ago, lasted about a month. D-day was about a month later. And we're still together. Hasn't been easy, but both of us are convinced we're better together than apart, so we've both put our relationship up as the number one thing in our lives (where it should have been all along!)

 

a) Is a cheater always a cheater ?

 

I sure hope not! And for this to work out for us, I have to believe her (and I do) when she says she never wants it to happen again. So we begin to rebuild the trust that was trashed so easily by her. I've told her I'll never go thru this again, there will be no next time, cause if there begins to be, I'm outa here!

 

b) Initially she didn't want to stay with me, was blinded in love..... I feel used. How valid is that ?

 

Yeah, that sucks. But she could have left you, and she didn't, so that says something. And you could have left her, but you didn't. And either one of you two could leave at anytime in the future. If there's no love between the two of you, then it won't last very long, kids or no kids. You have to decide what reasons you are staying with her, and if they're worthwhile. My case was easy for me, I love her, she loves me, so I stayed with her.

 

c) From my perspective, I love her very much, I care for her. I know that she would be nowhere if she left me.

 

So you're half way there! Does she love you? If not, are you sure it is love you have for her? I've noticed that my love is amplified by the return feelings I get from her. If these return feelings were not present, I would doubt my own love for her. I'm not in this to be the financial supporter, and altho the sex is really great, it is not enough to make a relationship! :) And don't worry about being a coward - just be true to your own feelings.

 

The bottomline is I feel that the desire and attraction is gone for now. Will this ever come back...Can a woman be in love with her husband and still not feel attracted towards him ?

 

Find a good marriage counciler, one who has experience with affairs and sex desire problems. If the first one you work with doesn't help, try another!

 

e) The other thing I am very confused is regarding the approach I should be taking for making things better

 

I believe woman like to get little nice things, like flowers, surprises, etc. A weekend away together, if you can afford it. Don't overdo it, but do it enough for her to know you're thinking of her. And actually, it should make you feel better to do these things. If not, something is wrong.

 

created the distance between us and forced her to look elsewhere.

 

Get this straight: Nothing forced her to look elsewhere, she choose to do it herself! No one pushed her into the first "wrongful" kiss, or forced her to take off her pants with another man, she choose to.

 

She tells me that I am not wanting to make things work and would I be ever able to forgive her for what she did inspite of all the efforts she is making. She goes into her shell, doesn't communicate and the whole evening and next day gets ruined. So it is lose-lose situation either way. Any advice ?

 

It's not going to be easy. It does sound like you guys need to communicate a LOT more together. Share your thoughts and discuss the problem openly. MC can help, but you need to talk to each other. She should know what bothers you, and you must know what is bothering her. Then see if you both have common goals which will make being together worthwhile.

 

Good luck. You're going to need it!

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LoveNoLoss
Why is it that the hurt person feels more pain, confusion, delimma, then the person who actually is dishonest in relationship. After 12 years of successful marriage (am 38, wife 32) and two beautiful kids, my wife cheated on me. She had two months relationship. Hell broke loose when she confessed (yeah, she confessed, otherwise I would have never known). She got emotionally attached (had physcial relation too), went through roller coaster ride of all kinds of emotinons, hatred etc etc in last 8 weeks. I threatened to get a divorce, but found out it wasn't that easy when the axe fell (partly because of the kids too!). I gave her one chance and we are working towards it. We have decided we will not fight, especially not in front of kids. She had a ego size of elephant which she is curbing it at the moment to make things work. But there are many unanswered questions and I would really like input from people who have gone through these kind of situations.

 

I think the person that get hurts feels betrayed. The person betraying has their own set of issues but I am not sure if one feels more pain than the other, I would say they are just different kinds of pain. I am a betrayed spouse and wayward spouse. My husband cheated on me 7 times during our marriage and then I had an affair without knowing of his at the time... I hope I can be of some help and Ill answer these questions the best I can.

 

a) Is a cheater always a cheater ? What would stop her from not doing this all over again ? I don't want to go through this pain again. Sometimes I feel like she is genuienly trying and sometimes I feel she is faking it ... Has anyone of you had successful rebuild and what steps were taken ?

 

THis is a good question but I don't think you can get a solid answer because this can be debated till the cows come home. As far as my opinion goes... no... I don't think once a cheater always a cheater... because there are so many different reasons why people cheat, there is no straight answer. The bottom line is.... unless the reason that a person cheats is addressed, then yes, it can happen again. I believe in some cases there are people who cannot be faithful ever... I don't think your wife is one of these as she probably would have started cheating early in your marriage and continued throughout the marriage. This is what my husband did... as well as cheating on his first wife.. I often wonder if he is capable of being faithful.

 

Your wife may be trying right now... as far as faking it, you may be subconciously picking up the doubts she has that your marriage will work. This is all normal. Remember, you have been through trauma and your brain is working overtime....

 

b) Initially she didn't want to stay with me, was blinded in love, but after she realized that the OM will not divorce his wife, leave his kids, there is no future there, she want to stay with me. She tells she has nothing to do with OM. She has NC with him. She says she is sorry, will never happen again yada yada...And she wants to rebuild our marriage for the sake of kids. Good from her point of view. But I feel differently. She is staying for simply selfish reasons. She is staying because she has no choice now. She will have to give up all the comforts, luxury, mercedez and will have to work in grocery store. I feel used. How valid is that ?

 

Being blinded by love is pretty accurate... remember that the beginning of any relationship everything is la la land. She only dealt with the la la part. The fact that she had an affair with a married man sure does put a larger dynamic on the whole thing...deep down inside she knew he wasn't available to her which solidifies the "la la land" part of my theory.

 

Are you sure she is staying just because of her comfort level? I see she wants to stay for the kids but you didn't mention if she wants to stay in the marriage because of you too. I understand you feel used and it is valid but once again, you are in the middle of a crisis and emotions are running wild. I don't think its that cut and dry for her. Also, given the situation, if she knows the law, she wouldn't have to work in a grocery store especially if she has the kids because she could take you for alimony and child support.... just a thought.

 

 

 

) From my perspective, I love her very much, I care for her. I know that she would be nowhere if she left me. I didn't want her on streets. But there is not much of remorse for past deeds or fear of future. She tells me if you want to divorce me, divorce me. she (says) will go where her fate will take her. Personally, I am not a person who believes in tasting poison for the sake of it. I know if we divorce it will be a irreversible process, and that is why I am a little reluctant to take the big step. But does that make me a coward ? Would I be losing respect in this process ?

 

You ask some very valid questions...How fresh is all this? It sounds like she is still reeling from the affair. This is where the "if you want to divorce me then divorce me" comes from. I think she is bluffing you and doens't think you would divorce her...

Not divorcing doesn't make you a coward... people don't get married thinking that they will get a divorce down the line. As for losing respect, you haven't lost respect for yourself but rather for her. Respect just like trust gets damaged after affairs in a marriage. So, don't mix the two up. It's normal that you want ot fight for your marriage especially if you love her. You guys need to get to the bottom of the REASON WHY she had an affair.

 

) She fulfils all the housewife responsibility, takes care of me kids perfectly except the physical part. It is weird that after all that has happened (her having sex with OM), I still feel like kissing her, having sex with her (probably physical needs). On other hand she doesn't feel like it. Is this normal and how long can I stay like this ? She has told me to go out and fulfil my desires as she is not providing it, but I am afraid of diseases and STD. On the other hand, I also don't like to force myself on her. If I tell her she has to do it as part of her duty then she will do it but that is no fun. It also pushes her farther away from me. The bottomline is I feel that the desire and attraction is gone for now. Will this ever come back. Because I cannot simply live under one roof with a person who says "I love you" verbally but I don't want to kiss you or I don't want to have sex with you. I feel actions are not equating to words. Is this correct or is my thinking wrong? Can a woman be in love with her husband and still not feel attracted towards him ?

 

Did you have a physical issue before the affair? It is NORMAL to want to still kiss, have sex, etc. I had this SAME reaction even though I had found out my husband slept with a ton of women. It's a way of getting close to that person even in the time of crisis... attraction doesn't go out the window over night... and neither does love. The fact that she doesn't want to have sex is something you will both have to work on. ONce again, she is bluffing with the "go out and find it from somewhere else" statement. She doesn't REALLY think you would do that, hence those words.

 

You say you are afraid of STD's? Does this mean if there were no diseases, you would do it? I would like to think you wouldn't tell her it's her duty to have sex with you. Obviously, you don't want to force anyone to have sex that doesn't want to. Of course sex is a healthy and necessary part of a marriage. Once again, you didn't mention what your sex life was before this.... has her lack of interest been there for awhile or is this all a result of her affair? I know I love my husband but I don't feel attracted to him anymore. We have been seperated for a year now. If we were to work things out, I am not sure how to get this back. I have had a whole year away from my husband to lose the attraction but I was attracted to him up until the point I found out about his affairs... AND even some time after that but it has since faded. In fact now, I am a bit disgusted with him because all I see is a slew of sleazy women that he slept with....also, I am worried he has some latent disease becuase he was an idiot and didn't use protection!

 

e) The other thing I am very confused is regarding the approach I should be taking for making things better. If I shower her affection, love, gifts, fulfil her wishes and publicly display how much I love her, she would feel I am a wussy. "Love must be tough" book advises not to do that. She will loose any respect she has for me. She will take me more for granted and think me for an idiot fool. If I ignore her, be stern with her, not show my love - then it brings us back to the main problem where the lack of attention and love from my part (that's what she says), created the distance between us and forced her to look elsewhere. I tried both approach and failed. When I hug her or kiss her or say "I love you" and she just sits there and does not reciprocate, makes me feel like stupid ass. She would say yes I know, but I don't share the same feeling right now. The other time when she came to hug me, I didn't reciprocate. She tells me that I am not wanting to make things work and would I be ever able to forgive her for what she did inspite of all the efforts she is making. She goes into her shell, doesn't communicate and the whole evening and next day gets ruined. So it is lose-lose situation either way. Any advice ?

 

Ahhh ok, this answers my questions above. So she feels that you didn't show her enough attention during the marriage. Did she ever convey this to you before her affair? Of course there is no excuse for an affair no matter what but I know this is the reason I went astray. My husband was in a band and played 3 to 4 weekends away from me our entire marriage. I began to feel neglected and there had been some infidelity issues way early in the marriage on his part. I had also lost trust with him and it festered like a bad wound for years.

 

As far as showering her with love or not... this is a shaded area. If this was a problem before the affair, it would seem to me that stepping this up would show her you do love and care for her. If she is not warming up to it, it's because she is confused and messed up since the affair. Things are now "broken" between you and any attempt to sugar coat anything is going to lead to hurt feelings and such. Your timing is "off" in this marriage and you need to come together with this. I would HIGHLY suggest a marriage counseler if you both want to work this out. You both need neutral ground to express your feelings to each other and be able to get passed the communication issues. Even NOT communicating is STILL communicating!! I was a comm major in college and this was something we learned over and over.

 

I am so sorry for your pain. This by far will be the hardest thing you will ever go through whether you reconcile or divorce. You both have ALOT to work out and this will take time. You must know that your marriage will never be the same again. I don't mean that in a negative way but rather, the fact that there has now been an affair in this marriage, you will have to work very hard to overcome it. It can be done as it is done ALOT! But you will need a good counselor and alot of time to overcome this...

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harleygirl92156

The statement "once a cheat always a cheat" is not true.

 

I cheated in my first marriage and would never, ever in a million years do it again.

 

If we look at our actions, understand WHY we did it and LEARN from it we GROW.

 

I looked at my actions, figured out why and learned from it. What I learned was it did not better my life, in fact made it worse. The affair did not end my marriage, but my inner turmoil did. It was MY innner problems that ended it.

 

Bottom line is when someone cheats, they not only cheat their spouse, they cheat themselves too. If you realize that you won't do it again because you know it is not going to help the situation only make it worse.

 

I am a cheater who will NEVER cheat again!!!!!

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Good words Harleygirl! Nice to hear what I really hope is true in my W's case also. Thanks!

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  • 2 weeks later...

Harleygirl, could you please go into more detail on why you decided to go through with your affair. My wife has had an affair with a coworker about six weeks ago and I cannot get straight answers to why she did it. She just says she was drawn to him.

 

What do you mean "inner turmoil" ruined the marriage. I am just trying to get the woman cheaters perspective on how they really feel when going through the whole affair process.

 

Any information would be helpful, since my wife has trouble talking about it. Thanks.

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harleygirl92156

NYR FAN,

 

I cheated because I didn't like me. I looked for affection outside myself instead of looking inside and learning to love myself. I thought I was worthless, ugly and stupid (reinforced by a selfish, arrogant, unloving x-husband.) People cheat, mean and women because of the way the person they are cheating with make them feel about themselves. As soon as the cheating begins, the person has proven something to themselves, they are desirable...so to speak.

 

My current husband had an affair (carma is a bitch) and when I ask him why he said "because she was nice to me." Translation, she made him feel good about himself. He was an active alcoholic at the time after being sober for ten years. Needless to say, I didn't make him feel good about himself because I made him feel like he let me down. Not to mention the inner turmoil he felt within himself for throwing away ten years of sobriety. I wouldn't drink and party with him and she would and would tell him it was ok if he drank. I am an attractive lady and she was an ugly fat bar slut and I am being kind, but she made him feel good about himself even if it was just for the moment.

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reservoirdog1

You asked if it ever heals. Yes it does -- but it leaves scars. You'll never be the same person you were before the betrayal. That person is gone. The key to your survival -- and it's YOUR survival, not hers or that of the marriage, that's most important right now -- is to ensure that the new you is better than the old, in as many ways as possible. Make changes to your life if you feel they're needed, but do them for the right reasons, i.e. YOU. Not for her. Because at the end of the day, you're all you've got.

 

Somebody wiser than me once said that you never get over betrayal by a spouse/partner -- you just get through it. Truer words were never spoken.

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Thanks Harleygirl.

 

I think I undertand a little better. My wife always has had insecurity problems about her. I always told her how good she looks and tried to make her feel better about herself, but I guess it didn't change anything. she always says how she hates herself. I would think after having an affair you would hate yourself even more.

 

I just know that I could never go through with an affair because I would just think about how much pain it would cause her, and believe me, Ive had opportunities, but you have to think long term repercusions that are involved.

 

I hope your current husband has learned his lesson on cheating also. Nobody deserves to be cheated on, and I'm glad to see you recognized your mistake and vow not to do it again. Not everyone feels that way.

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thanks lovenoloss, onelife, harleygirl and reservoir.

 

Well, first of all, my W is attractive. She always used to get compliments on her looks and I know lot of guys used to hit on her. She said she liked the attention but never got wayward till this year (hard to believe now!). But anyway, the reasons she put forward are a) we used to have lot of fights/indiffrences in past few months b) I was not giving her enough attention and someone else gave her. c) she got attracted to this guy and things happened.

 

I have this big issue with the concept of "things happened". How can it just happen and how will it not happen again? Somebody said that we have to get to root of the issue and solve it if we don't want it to happen again. I had no issues with my wife prior. If I had, I would be the one having affairs. The only issue I have now is why did she betray ? On the other hand, She has put down all the issues as mentioned above. How can I guarantee that there will be no differences henceforth or I will be always giving her 100% of attention as she so desires. Seems like I have to do everything, all the work... change myself, bring romance back etc...What does she have to do ? Guarantee that she will not be flirting anymore? (obviously there is no guarantee and even if she does, I won't believe that). Is that all ?

 

To tell the truth, the reasons she mentioned are just escuses cheaters give as justification. I had given all the attention of my life to her and the kids. For gods sake, there was no other woman in my life. Which married couple and that too for 12 years, would not have any arguments once in a while. So in essence, if we look at it, there is not much "root and cause" of the affair, but just that "it happened", or more so "she let it happen". and if that is the case, I cannot just get over it. All the ingredients which made it happen would still be there in future. We would have fights, she would surely get attention from someone else (unless she gets fat and ugly), and she still has the same mindset which made her wander in the first place without even worrying about the consequences. I am constantly getting paranoid.

 

She says she has realized the mistake and will never happen again. She wants to make the marriage work. But I am not getting convinced. Human emotions change. Today she is feeling remorse for what she did. Tommorrow when she is angry on me, she would feel justified on what she did. She would be thinking .."you know what, this a**h*** deserves to be cheated.". I am afraid that if she does this all over again, I would be the biggest fool in the world to have believed her. And the hurt and the pain I would be going through would be far more than the one I would endeavor if I left her now. Hence my question "do cheaters go back to old ways even if they say they are sorry and will never cheat again ?" From your personal experiences what is the answer

a) Always (regardless of what they say)

b) Most of the time (even if they say they won't)

c) Never (if they agree to be loyal).

 

help me in this dilemma ....

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stressedout58

Have you considered the idea of writting your last post in a letter and giving it to her to read alone and to do some quiet reflection on her own?

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She says she has realized the mistake and will never happen again. She wants to make the marriage work. But I am not getting convinced. Human emotions change. Today she is feeling remorse for what she did. Tommorrow when she is angry on me, she would feel justified on what she did. She would be thinking .."you know what, this a**h*** deserves to be cheated.". I am afraid that if she does this all over again, I would be the biggest fool in the world to have believed her. And the hurt and the pain I would be going through would be far more than the one I would endeavor if I left her now. Hence my question "do cheaters go back to old ways even if they say they are sorry and will never cheat again ?" From your personal experiences what is the answer

a) Always (regardless of what they say)

b) Most of the time (even if they say they won't)

c) Never (if they agree to be loyal).

 

I would say 'a)' If the fallout of her affair gets sweeped under the rug by the two of you then there is a good chance that this can happen again in the future, but IF the cheater was willing to do everything in his/her power to rebuild the trust that was destroyed by his/her affair by establishing a new pattern of behavior, then I would have to go with 'c)'.

 

A lot of unfaithful spouses say that the affair was a mistake, and that it will never happen again but the real acid test is what are they willing to do to make it so? In your case, is your W willing to become totally accountable for her time and whereabouts 24/7 not as a sign of submission but as a sign of consideration and caring of your feelings? [just like you should do the same for her] . Is she willing to give you access to all of her e-mail passwords, cell phone records, and agree to the installation of a keyword logger on the computer [just like you should do the same for her]. Is she willing to write a NC [no contact letter] to the OM and have you review it and mail it yourself? If the OM is married, is she willing to write a letter of apology to the OM's W and you mail it as well? There are more but these give you an idea of what steps would improve the chances of not only saving the marriage but rebuilding it into a much better one than pre-affair marriage and making the likelihood of another affair, by any of you, highly unlikely. Convey to her that what you ask of her is no less than you would ask of yourself. Why not run these by her and see what she has to say?

 

TMCM

 

P.S. I highly recommend that both of you read Dr Willard Harley Jr's books 'Surviving an affair', 'His Needs, Her Needs', and 'Love Busters', as well as Dave Carder's book 'Torn Asunder. If you can afford it, I also highly recommend that you buy the home study course of 'His Needs, Her Needs'. But before you do this make sure that your W enthusiastically agrees to this otherwise she might take it as a sign that you are trying to control her and the marriage.

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NiceGuyMojo
"do cheaters go back to old ways even if they say they are sorry and will never cheat again"

 

Once a Spouse cheats on a faithful partner, that sacred element in the marriage is gone forever. Your marriage Will Not be the same from this day forward and the odds of this happening again increase.

 

Will she do it again? A lot depends on the consequences she faced the first time for her actions. Was this enough of a deterrent not to do it again? I don't think she even knows for sure right now nor do you. I wouldn't... So Why did she betray you? Logic cannot answer an emotion based question. What I do know is this has nothing to do with YOU. This was 100% HER doing and she made the conscious decision to follow through by her actions. She controls herself and YOU cannot!

 

It's good you have disclosure which is the first step in rebuilding your marriage from scratch because that's what it is! Trust is not built overnight but can be destroyed in a manner of minutes and takes years to rebuild. Infidelity follows a pattern of mixed emotional baggage from both the cheater and faithful partner. Each goes through very different feelings. Right now she is feeling GUILT (big time) while your're feeling BETRAL with hurt and pain from your heart. She cannot begin to feel your pain she caused or even understand it because she is dealing with her own feelings right now. Don't expect too much right away. Take care of yourself first which is the most important thing right now and let her work through hers.

 

Going through the same as you but without discovery and disclosure from her yet. Had to threaten her with divorce so she would go to MC with me. Like pulling teeth! Feel like she nailed the flag to the mast and will go down with the ship if necessary.

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