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Another broken heart


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Dear All

 

Four months ago, I found a condom receipt when washing my husband's clothes and confronted him. He admitted he had been having an affair - he said it had gone on for several months and was purely sex. I was heartbroken but we decided to put it behind us for the sake of our young children. Our marriage had fizzled out but sacrificing our happiness seemed the right thing to do so the kids don't grow up in a broken home.

 

My husband has just dropped the biggest bomb. He has continued the affair ever since D-day (even though he told me he ended it there and then) and has admitted an additional lengthy affair with another woman several years ago in our marriage. The current affair is far more serious than he let on - he says he is in love and doesn't know what to do, but is terrified he is going to lose the children.

 

I feel he is only telling me as his mistress is putting pressure on him to do so. Do I consider divorce now trust is completely broken?

 

Heartbroken wife

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I see no reason to stay with a man who loves another woman.

 

I'd divorce and be looking at what custody arrangements are in the best interest of the children.

 

How old are your children?

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Yes, file for divorce and treat him as you would a stranger...mainly because Hess acting like one.

 

Have him move today! Swift and harsh consequences are necessary! Make sure you move money into your name only before announcing he's to pack one bag and leave immediately!

 

Do not be kind and don't be understanding!

 

He's ruined your life! He's lied and betrayed you and your kids!

 

Ask for the maximum on everything you can in the court papers!

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somanymistakes

He had his one chance and he blew it. You know, now, that any gesture he makes towards reconciliation can't be trusted.

 

He might claim to leave a mistress - but he claimed that before!

 

No matter what evidence he wants to show you to 'prove' that he's changed (if he does) you'll always know that he could still be hiding something.

 

Now is the time to proceed to divorce.

 

It is going to suck for a while. He's going to be on an emotional rollercoaster and he's going to try and drag you along with him. Expect that there will be a lot of different explosions of emotion. He may yell at you, tell you it's all your fault, try to intimidate you into agreeing to his terms. He may weep and plead for another chance, promise that it's all over and he's learned his lesson and he loves you. And he may turn into a cold enemy and systematically try to strip you of as much of your marital resources as posible. Cheaters generally don't cope well when they're faced with consequences...avoiding consequences is why they were cheating in the first place.

 

However, life CAN get better. It is possible to co-parent with someone even after they've broken your heart. It's definitely possible to find a better relationship in the future. The kids CAN be okay, especially if both parents work hard to protect them. And hopefully as wel as wanting his share of custody he'll also be willing to pay his share of expenses.

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Sad as as it to say, the above posters are likley correct. You simply can not trust this man, and it is in the best interests of both you and your children to put your emotional and mental health first. That means accepting what you can't change ( him) and changing the things that you can ( being married to an untrustworthy man).

 

It's not about whether or not he loves this ow. he claimed to love you, and has cheated on you twice. He'll probably do the same to her, because that is who he is. That's not to say he can't change, but that can only come after a lot of work on his part, and i highly doubt he is willing to do that.

 

As it stands right now, it's imperative that you put the ball firmly back in your court. The road map for the rest of your life is up to you. What will you do to make it great without him?

 

My advice would be to make your first stop a lawyer's office. Lay out all that has happened, and ask their advice. Find out were you stand legally, as that will help you to lay out a plan of action. Talk to some friends and family who you really trust. It's okay to be sad and it's just as okay to be angry. While you were at home with the kids, being faithful and doing what you could to be a good wife, he was out catting around. That is on him, not you, and don't let him try and make it about you.

 

I would also suggest you set up some counseling for yourself. That can be really helpful.

 

When you feel strong enough, set your husband free. I'm not going to pretend that the process of uncoupling from him won't be painful, but in the long run, it's likley the best choice. You don't need to be weighed down by his issues. For the sake of your kids,be cordial to him, but you don't go out of your way to be friendly. If you put them first and let them know that you and your husband parting ways is not their fault and doesn't change the fact that you both love them and will both always be there for them, and back that up with action, they will be okay.

 

As for his ow...meh. Let her have him. What will she get? A guy she will never really be able to trust, and in a few years, she may well find herself in your shoes.

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Our marriage had fizzled out but sacrificing our happiness seemed the right thing to do so the kids don't grow up in a broken home.

 

I feel he is only telling me as his mistress is putting pressure on him to do so. Do I consider divorce now trust is completely broken?

 

First things first, I'm so very sorry.

 

But really, this doesn't sound like a good long term plan. It's not fair to ask you to sacrifice your happiness because you don't want your children to be from a broken home. I'm sure if you ask your children, they would say that they would rather have two separate, happy and healthy homes, than live in a dysfunctional home where their father is cheating on their mother, who feels miserable and alone, all the time...

 

Clearly, your husband was not down with the plan. So yes, I would be filing for divorce given the fact that he trust has been broken and he clearly wants to be elsewhere...

 

The other thing you need to do, if you haven't already, is go and get yourself an std test. He has put your health at risk, by engaging in these affairs. Take care of yourself. Visit your doctor, find a good counsellor, and an excellent lawyer. Good luck.

Edited by BaileyB
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Cherished gal

This is so sad. My heart is breaking for you. I admire you for wanting to do what is best for the kids. Have you tried counseling? It would take both of you on board though to wanting to make this marriage work again and it doesn't much sound like he will be. Praying for you and your family.

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Without trust and respect there's never been a marriage.

 

If you stay he will just do more of the same - and honestly, you deserve the chance to have a man who honors and respects you - that's not who he is and never will be.

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He's in love with his affair partner. Tell him you will make sure he still will have access to his children and guarantee him that he won't lose his kids. Once you do this, let it be and see what happens. If he stays, at least you'll know he's staying for you and not just for the kids. If he leaves, good. Why would you want to keep a cheater?

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pheonixrisen
Dear All

 

Four months ago, I found a condom receipt when washing my husband's clothes and confronted him. He admitted he had been having an affair - he said it had gone on for several months and was purely sex. I was heartbroken but we decided to put it behind us for the sake of our young children. Our marriage had fizzled out but sacrificing our happiness seemed the right thing to do so the kids don't grow up in a broken home.

 

My husband has just dropped the biggest bomb. He has continued the affair ever since D-day (even though he told me he ended it there and then) and has admitted an additional lengthy affair with another woman several years ago in our marriage. The current affair is far more serious than he let on - he says he is in love and doesn't know what to do, but is terrified he is going to lose the children.

 

I feel he is only telling me as his mistress is putting pressure on him to do so. Do I consider divorce now trust is completely broken?

 

Heartbroken wife

 

 

Consider a divorce because he said he was inlove with the otherwoman because where can a marriage go from there .unless you want to be miserable by being married while he goes to live with the ow .

 

You cannot save a marriage only based on the children .i dont know if your h is actually in love or just confused ...but at this time you need to protect yourself and your children if he falls in line good if he does not then there is nothing we can do about it .you cannot force him to stay or control any of his action . You should protect your self and the children and start creating a life that does not involve him unless he has them alone do read up the 180 it will help to detach from him .

 

Also just fyi if you read several post here mm are known to declare undying out of the world love for ow ....but when it comes down to seperation divorce etc...they have know to just as easily back off and drop the ow

 

Ultimately the decision is yours .not his

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I don't think I could forgive or ever trust my H if he had lied about his A or gone on to tell me he loved the OW and had another A before. i think the marriage is far to broken for that. i am so sorry you had the grace to try again only to find out he was continuing the A. That must be so hard x

 

Next steps, I would tell him he needs to leave, I would have him explain to the children that although he is leaving, he and you both love them and that things will get better, but for now, they will be with you and he will not be living in the house. No need for saying anything else in front of them, it will only hurt them and make a bad situation even worse. Let the rest of your and his family know and your friends, they will find out soon anyway and you need support.

 

Go to the lawyer, get things formalised and arrangements made for finance etc. Begin to make plans for the future, I would also tell your WS that any discussion will be outside the family home and will simply concentrate on the children and the divorce plans. I have seen many times how the AP gives the WS advice that isn't in the best interests of the family. I would caution him that you will cooperate, but any interference and it will be handed over to the solicitors who might not be so fair. The children come first.

 

There is nothing you could have done to prevent this, please don't go looking for what you could have done, it is what it is. I know it hurts and it is scary and not how you thought it would be, but, small steps, you will get over it, you will hurt, you will cry and feel like crap, but, you will come out the other side. I hope you have someone to lean on and howl at the moon with, you will need it in the weeks ahead. It gets easier, I left my second husband with a suitcase, a small baby and very little else. A few years after I waist University doing a degree and rebuilt my life. You can do it, but for now, take very good care of yourself. Affairs are such crappy things to do to another xxx

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Does he still love you too ? It's possible for a man to love more than one woman : hence once upon a time a man could marry more than two wives. As long as he can afford to take care of them both.

 

Women can't love more than two men at once, but a man can.

 

In many parts of the world, some African, Arabic countries, even countries like Turkey, South Africa, Saudi Arabia, Denmark polygamy is still practiced. You don't have do disrupt your family just because your husband has fallen for another woman. It doesn't need to be an either or : many women in polygamous marriages are happily married and become close like sisters when they realize their similar traits that attracted the same man.

 

Our culture is willing to accept acts like swinging and open marriages and yet it denies polygamy, which is still a respected institution in many contemporary cultures and societies around the world.

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Our culture is willing to accept acts like swinging and open marriages and yet it denies polygamy, which is still a respected institution in many contemporary cultures and societies around the world.

Edited by Jamess1
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