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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 2nd February 2018, 2:00 PM   #46
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Hi Folks, I think that if people do not have anything positive to contribute to what is a positive development then they should keep their peace and remain quiet. Also, I don't get the point of people asking hypothetical questions knowing fully well that the OP is not in a position to answer them. To my mind the OP has run a marathon race and come out a winner. She needs to be complimented on her success and not be beaten down. The fact is that she made a terrible choice in betraying her husband but she paid for it with some serious consequences. Those consequences made her reflect and introspect on the gravity of her faults and helped her work on them to rectify them. I guess that is the important lesson we need to take away from her experience. She did the heavy lifting after suffering the consequences and that is what true remorse is all about. Remorse comes from a realization of the hurt and pain that one has inflicted on another and then to suffer the consequences for it and also to do the hard work to alleviate the hurt and pain that one inflicted on the other by making oneself vulnerable and open to the pain of rejection by the other. Remorse also means loving the person one hurt, enough to hold out hope of being able to reconcile with them even when one has the choice to start afresh with someone else. Remorse is a form of penance. So let us wish the OP all the very best for the future and let her be in peace.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 4:14 PM   #47
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Just curious: When did he stop dating other women? Did he know you were starting to think about dating again? Maybe that motivated him to try again, as he might lose you for good when you meet someone?
Well we actually talked about this last two days. I saw the other thread about this topic and it had me curious, so I asked my husband about this. Now he says he didnít know if I was or wasnít seeing other people and stopped paying attention to that about a year post divorce. He came to terms with the fact that i would eventually start seeing other since I was single. So according to him me dating didnít have much to do with anything. Now I donít know how much I believe him.

As for him, I know he was still dating month before we started dating. This kind of bothers me not so much that he dated but who he dated. I know some of the women he dated are extremely beautiful, Iím talking actual supermodel (2 I think). Now i like to think Iím pretty but Iím no supermodel. I find myself comparing myself to them a lot. I know itís I have to deal with.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 5:57 PM   #48
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Oh dear, it's totally natural for you to compare. But he was dating them casually only, right? I think you ex-husband probably has had enough of his wild and fun time, and doesn't enjoy his hunting anymore.

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Well we actually talked about this last two days. I saw the other thread about this topic and it had me curious, so I asked my husband about this. Now he says he didnít know if I was or wasnít seeing other people and stopped paying attention to that about a year post divorce. He came to terms with the fact that i would eventually start seeing other since I was single. So according to him me dating didnít have much to do with anything. Now I donít know how much I believe him.

As for him, I know he was still dating month before we started dating. This kind of bothers me not so much that he dated but who he dated. I know some of the women he dated are extremely beautiful, Iím talking actual supermodel (2 I think). Now i like to think Iím pretty but Iím no supermodel. I find myself comparing myself to them a lot. I know itís I have to deal with.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 7:50 PM   #49
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Indeed, I'm also puzzled as to why so many couples would stay in or go back to the big mess of a broken marriage that is full of drama. What was your story? Did you stay after your wife's infidelity? Sounds like you regret that big time. Did you leave eventually? If not, what's stopping you?

But Sofie's situation is a rare exception. After her affair, she has been nothing but genuine and loving, and she and her husband have been respectful and loving to each other. When they just got divorced, I was hopeful that his husband may consider getting back together after spending another couple of years playing the field.

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I feel incredibly sad for your BH. He had it made - he detached from you and was free to start his life without the burden of a cheating wife yet caved in to his need for "comfortable". At least this is how I see it through my eyes and, of course, it's not fair to you or your husband.

I can't help but transfer my own feelings and apply my own experiences to your entire story. What you did was incredibly cruel, selfish and beyond hurtful. The thought that any man would decide that it was time to simply overlook your terrible betrayal is unthinkable. To me. Your husband is not me and I hope the two of you are able to make it work and have a great life together. I don't think you can remain faithful to him, but time will tell.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 9:10 PM   #50
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Well we actually talked about this last two days. I saw the other thread about this topic and it had me curious, so I asked my husband about this. Now he says he didnít know if I was or wasnít seeing other people and stopped paying attention to that about a year post divorce. He came to terms with the fact that i would eventually start seeing other since I was single. So according to him me dating didnít have much to do with anything. Now I donít know how much I believe him.

As for him, I know he was still dating month before we started dating. This kind of bothers me not so much that he dated but who he dated. I know some of the women he dated are extremely beautiful, Iím talking actual supermodel (2 I think). Now i like to think Iím pretty but Iím no supermodel. I find myself comparing myself to them a lot. I know itís I have to deal with.
I know it might sound weird to say it, but in a way, this is a gift. you know he wants to be with you because he loves you, not because he feels he has no other options.

It sounds to me like you two have the potential to build something wonderful.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 2:36 AM   #51
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He is picking you regardless of the beauty of the other women, beauty is in the eyes and the heart of the beholder. Just my opinion but I think you have them beat as far as he is concerned. He dated, you didn't, I think he feels the field has been leveled, again just my opinion.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 10:12 AM   #52
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I read all of Sophieís last thread when it was active and I advise anyone before posting to go back and review it. Sophie truly was an exception. She had everyone - even the most hardened heart - pulling for her. She was honest and genuine in both her remorse and her desire to make things right. She gave her husband unconditional love and took quietly but with dignity whatever he gave back. At the time - when he started dating after their divorce - I actually advised her to start dating. She didnít obviously and held out hope.

Sophie, I am so glad for you, your husband and your boys that you guys have put your relationship back together again. Enjoy this new beginning. You both deserve this happiness!

How did the boys react, if you donít mind sharing?
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Old 3rd February 2018, 10:17 AM   #53
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And I agree with Aliveagain. The superficial beauty does not matter. Think about it? Would you want to be loved solely for your body? Or for your heart, mind, soul and body? What is beautiful and sexy to your husband is you... the whole package. Sometimes, we women donít fully embrace that but itís true. Our legs arenít too short, our chest too flat, our wrinkles too noticeable to the man who really loves us just as we also donít see their physical flaws but instead the heart and character underneath.
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Old 3rd February 2018, 2:27 PM   #54
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So happy for you. Glad things worked out for your family.
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Old 4th February 2018, 1:10 PM   #55
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I'm very happy for you, Sophie. I didn't read your threads as they were happening, but they were the first ones I read after I joined.

I want to ask some questions, I hope that's ok. I'm not trying to flame or be ugly, I'm just very curious and it's not often that we have a chance to talk to someone in your shoes.

IIRC, you cheated but really had no reason to...you claimed to love your H and not love the OM. And sex was better with your H. You cheated just because....the OM hit on you? Is that right? I mean, it was just that simple? He wanted you, so you were like, "Why not?"?

And after the first time, you felt horrible, but felt you had already ruined your marriage, so why quit doing it. And then once discovered, you fought like hell to not get divorced which contradicts the thinking that everything was already ruined, so why stop, as that sounds like the thinking of someone in an exit affair. I never understood that.

And now...given that you never had any type of reason to cheat, and you never stopped loving your husband, how can you be sure that as soon as this newness wears off and there is a calm, normal attained in your household, how can you be sure that you won't want more than your H again? And how will he not live in daily fear that if he doesn't make every single day exciting for you that you might step out again?

I hope I didn't offend here....You have one of the most compelling infidelity stories there is, and I'm truly curious about these things.
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Old 4th February 2018, 1:57 PM   #56
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I'm very happy for you, Sophie. I didn't read your threads as they were happening, but they were the first ones I read after I joined.

I want to ask some questions, I hope that's ok. I'm not trying to flame or be ugly, I'm just very curious and it's not often that we have a chance to talk to someone in your shoes.

IIRC, you cheated but really had no reason to...you claimed to love your H and not love the OM. And sex was better with your H. You cheated just because....the OM hit on you? Is that right? I mean, it was just that simple? He wanted you, so you were like, "Why not?"?

And after the first time, you felt horrible, but felt you had already ruined your marriage, so why quit doing it. And then once discovered, you fought like hell to not get divorced which contradicts the thinking that everything was already ruined, so why stop, as that sounds like the thinking of someone in an exit affair. I never understood that.

And now...given that you never had any type of reason to cheat, and you never stopped loving your husband, how can you be sure that as soon as this newness wears off and there is a calm, normal attained in your household, how can you be sure that you won't want more than your H again? And how will he not live in daily fear that if he doesn't make every single day exciting for you that you might step out again?

I hope I didn't offend here....You have one of the most compelling infidelity stories there is, and I'm truly curious about these things.
Interesting, if all this is accurate.
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Old 4th February 2018, 2:36 PM   #57
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Hey Sophie! That is such wonderful news. Congratulations to you and Mr Sophie. It always warms my heart when it works out for truly remorseful WS. Good luck xxxxx
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Old 6th February 2018, 3:27 AM   #58
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I'm very happy for you, Sophie. I didn't read your threads as they were happening, but they were the first ones I read after I joined.

I want to ask some questions, I hope that's ok. I'm not trying to flame or be ugly, I'm just very curious and it's not often that we have a chance to talk to someone in your shoes.

IIRC, you cheated but really had no reason to...you claimed to love your H and not love the OM. And sex was better with your H. You cheated just because....the OM hit on you? Is that right? I mean, it was just that simple? He wanted you, so you were like, "Why not?"?

And after the first time, you felt horrible, but felt you had already ruined your marriage, so why quit doing it. And then once discovered, you fought like hell to not get divorced which contradicts the thinking that everything was already ruined, so why stop, as that sounds like the thinking of someone in an exit affair. I never understood that.

And now...given that you never had any type of reason to cheat, and you never stopped loving your husband, how can you be sure that as soon as this newness wears off and there is a calm, normal attained in your household, how can you be sure that you won't want more than your H again? And how will he not live in daily fear that if he doesn't make every single day exciting for you that you might step out again?

I hope I didn't offend here....You have one of the most compelling infidelity stories there is, and I'm truly curious about these things.
Statically speaking women tend to be one and done on affairs.

The questions you ask are all questions I asked myself and my wife before I made the decision to recommit to her. I think most betrayed spouses and those who haven't been through infidelity doesn't really understand the logic.

Usually the woman is in a bad spot when the affair starts, be it work, family, husband or friends. Once they have entered into the affair they can find an escape from those issues and it really isn't about how they feel about the OM or husband but most about how the situation makes them feel.

My wife told me she ended her affair 5 or 6 times but would continue to go back. The reason is as odd as it sounds it was the only time she felt good about herself. I didn't get that, but I do now. Spending time with me or the kids was time she felt guilty or horrible for what she had done. When with her friends and family she felt the wouldn't approve or accept the things that she did. So what did that leave as a way to not feel like crap all the time.....yep OM. With him she felt worthy like he was on her same level.

So it's not a straightforward if you love your husband you wouldn't have done this or that.
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Old 6th February 2018, 4:12 AM   #59
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Hi Golden, I guess the answer to your question lies in the adage, "Once bitten twice shy"! The fact that Sophie has been through hell and back, the chances that she will falter again are very unlikely, although I wouldn't go so far as to say impossible. I think she has been put through the wringer and has come out a survivor. People do not go through such an experience nonchalantly. It is a life changing event.

I do not remember the events from Sophie's thread very clearly except for the circumstances in which she was caught out but the little I do recollect was that she was feeling a little left out in the cold by her husband. Affair generally happen when the bonds of marriage are strained for one reason or another. Even in those marriages where things seem rosy on the outside and there is no apparent reason for a spouse to cheat, infidelity raises it's ugly head. Sometimes pure boredom leads to infidelity when there is no other significant reason for it to happen. I do not doubt that Sophie ever stopped loving her husband. If that were the fact then she wouldn't have put in the effort to woo him back and reach a point for reconciliation to happen. She did not sleep around after her divorce neither did she date anyone. She remained true to the memory of her union with her husband till she was able to materialize it again. One bad choice did not render her a blackguard for ever. It is only when people repeatedly make bad choices that there is a reason to doubt their sincerity or ability to walk the straight and narrow. I see Deepremorse taking an interest in this thread which is a good thing. Nothing anyone can tell her or advise her about will make as significant an impact on her as reading through the thread of a reformed WS who has successfully reconciled. Warm wishes.
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Old 6th February 2018, 2:54 PM   #60
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Hi Sofie,

One of my friends pointed me to read your thread back then, and I became hooked. Even though I had zero experience with infidelity, I enjoyed following how your story unfolded with the various twists.

I also finally signed up for an account myself and have been posting during my sabbatical year (from last year's holidays through this year's holidays). Now that my schedule has become hectic again, I will refrain from posting in the near future. It's just perfect timing that you just came back with such a wonderful update.

But I will still be reading in case you have any updates years from now. Please keep us posted when you and your man share the first grandkid together


Very best wishes,
June
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