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Why wonít she stop?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 11th January 2018, 5:54 PM   #1
Smj
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Why wonít she stop?

I have an OW/OM question. Iím new to this, this is my itís post. I donít want to offend anyone, Iím not meaning to be hurtful, I just need to understand

Background - maybe long

Married 32 years, Iím 51, heís 55. Sheís 43. Had a boyfriend who dumped her when he found out, got a new one very fast.
Aug 5th was our DD1

On a weds they met in hall - she ran up, hugged him told him he was hot. Stuck her phone number in his pocket. They started sexting that evening. That weekend he left for 2 weeks of training. She drove down 7 hours, and spent the following Saturday night, went back the next Thursday and Friday. Yes it was a PA - 2 1/2 weeks total from the weds to the Saturday.

The Saturday he drove home, she went to her home. I knew immediately something was wrong, he confessed, I ended up in hospital. She posted while I was in ER, I found this out later, a picture of herself in bed title ďblessedĒ. Yes they talked on the phone while I was in the ER, she tried to convince him to leave me there, ďin careĒ and go to her. Sheís a nurse.

Then after he was back at work the next week he was telling me at home it was over, manipulating me, and going to work where they flirted, etc. Iíve seen the emails, etc, at week 3 of this she was demanding more and more and he ended it. Again.

Coincidently the same day he came home and I told him something is still going on, and he admitted it. In that evening of hell I lost my mind. I come from a very very violent childhood, Iíd gone thru IC in my 20ís when our DD was born because I realized I didnít want to continue the cycle. But this trauma hooked up all that trauma. Flashbacks, all of it, I could smell taste the blood/feel the pain/feel the terror. I had a huge breakdown and lost 12 hours of my memory.

I know at one point I made him call her so I could talk to her, try to humanize myself - he was horrified at the things she said to me. He says now thatís when he realized what heíd done. Iím on ADís and seeing a trauma specialist.

I left for 3 weeks, left the state - he convinced me to come back
Heís in group, IC, has an Accountability partner. Heís fully transparent, he had a polygraph and will every 6 months till he says I feel comfortable.

She told him her husband cheated on her and divorced her 6 months before they met, that itís the most painful thing sheís ever been thru. Heís since been told by her best friend that she ďlikes to play games with menĒ. The best friend was telling him this ďto explain her behaviorĒ ďsheís never had anyone as nice as youĒ she said.

Why wonít she stop? The OW was cut off Aug 30th.
So far she has IMíd at work - blocked
Emailed at work - blocked
Texted - blocked
Called - blocked

Tried having a the best friend pass him notes. In the hall. He refused.

We no longer have any social media at all, deleted it all.

Stood outside his exit at his building and stared at him. That happened for days. She stopped

And moved to standing by his car bumper in the ďsmoking areaĒ every day when he got off

He changed parking, she just stood where she was ďsmokingĒ and could see him leave. I went up and watched her. She hid behind the trash can watching him. I made sure she saw me
The next day she tried to have me banned from building, which did not work. Long story but basically she was told the only person not at fault was me and if she doesnít want it to escalate and mess up their jobs she needs to back off.

Then she walks down his hall and stands ďsmokingĒ where he has to walk to and from his office to the desk - at random times.

So - a few weeks have gone by, he and I were out of town for 3 weeks, and suddenly at his new personal email is ďdo you want your T-shirt back?Ē I have reasons to believe he didnít give the email to her, and reasons to believe there is no contact. And another polygraph coming up. And why would he want his shirt back - can you see that conversation ďhey honey, I got the T-shirt back she wore while we had sex!!Ē

She has a new boy friend, our daughter checked her Facebook - she and he are soooo in Love - they are big believers in sharing their lives online. So why?

Why wonít she go away? Why wonít she stop?

At this point heís think HR is the only option. Weíve discussed contacting the new boyfriend. But honestly there is enough pain floating around, we just want it to stop.

Iím on the fence, leaning toward recovery, we have two amazing adult children, an awesome son in law (he has no family except us), and 2 beautiful grandsons - we both come from dysfunctional families, and this is all we have, us and our kids. He seems to be honestly trying to repair the damage of what heís done, and to figure out why he did it. This the worst thing ever - Iíve never known such pain. We are having to change our lives to repair this, hoping for a better life from it.
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Old 11th January 2018, 6:36 PM   #2
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How does she know his email? Very odd indeed.

Poppy.
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Old 11th January 2018, 6:41 PM   #3
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Some people are just persistent.

I blocked and ignored an ex for years and she still found ways to contact me. Refused to give up.

People have various reason for doing it. You and your husband have to be just as persistent in doing whatever it takes to keep her out of your lives.
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Old 11th January 2018, 7:03 PM   #4
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Wow...OW sounds very cluster B. Sorry the WH brought this into your lives. Talk about relationship terrorism.
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Old 11th January 2018, 9:22 PM   #5
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Ic

Spoke to IC today

He said in his experience that she sent it from a personal email, HR wonít do anything. Said to change his phone number as well as completely change his email. He used a variant of his old email on his new one.

He also said in his experience this type of person will continue -that to expect her to try to contact him at work again, using work resources, and at that point HR can be involved.

We are discussing the NC letter thru an attorney, but st this point I am not sure I even want to do that.
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Old 12th January 2018, 8:27 AM   #6
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Your story sounds similar in some ways to mine. The ow in our situation was like yours. Mentally unstable and refusing to leave us alone.

Years later ( ten now) she still pops her head up from time to time, even though she's married and has kids now.

My advice to you? Don't take it lightly. Have your spouse craft a clear and concise no contact letter. Make it business like, with no words that could be taken by her to have a hidden meaning. Include that if there is any more attempts at contact by her, and the police will be contacted, and that a response from her is not desired.

I would also contact a lawyer for advice, and document everything. If she does contact your spouse or you, go to the police and take out a no contact order against her. If she breaks it, have her charged. That way, she may actually be forced to get the help she needs, and in the end, that may be for the best for you, your husband and her as well.

I know all this may sound extreme, but sometimes, these measure are called for. Just because she has had a bad experience or has mental health/ personality issues doesn't mean she gets to take that out on you.
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Old 12th January 2018, 8:44 AM   #7
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WMAC - thatís the nightmare! That she just keeps popping up! Thatís why I feel like she needs to be stopped now.

Iím so sorry you went thru that!
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Old 12th January 2018, 8:49 AM   #8
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WMAC - thatís the nightmare! That she just keeps popping up! Thatís why I feel like she needs to be stopped now.

Iím so sorry you went thru that!
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Old 12th January 2018, 12:15 PM   #9
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I think you've moved very quickly to forgiveness for your WH and demonizing her.

Yes, her actions are inexcusable but who knows what lies and/or promises your H told her and what he said to her about you? Even your description of the A is one sided - "Stuck her phone number in his pocket", "She drove down 7 hours", etc. Was he powerless during this process?

Easy to make her the bad guy and she seems to be strenuously auditioning for the role. But if recovery is your goal, I'd forget about her and focus on rebuilding your marriage as it's a very long road. If she wants to waste her time hiding behind the dumpster and emailing blocked addresses, let her be. Others may disagree but I don't think your current focus on her benefits you in the long run. Hope things work out...

Mr. Lucky
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Old 12th January 2018, 4:45 PM   #10
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Oh no, Mr Lucky - he is my focus. But itís hard to focus on him/us when she wonít stop.

The 7 hours, note in his pocket - all confirmed by her BFF who decided to ďexplain her part in colluding in the AĒ. I listened and learned and told the BFF I want no contact at all with the OW or her BFF. She said she understood and walked away. And has respected that boundary.

Trust in my H is in short supply. Heís working very hard and Iím still on the fence. The story of everything is too long to tell. He has fully and still does own his side. He took the phone number, he texted her, etc. every thing he did was destructive to me. He has followed every rule and came up with more rules I didnít think of. He did monstrous things and I may not be able to forgive.

But that was not my question - my question is WHY wonít she stop? She has a boyfriend, sheís 43, this is not a teenage crush. They had a 6 week affair. Not a years long one.

Even today - he walked off the desk and she was standing outside the door. he ignored her and walked around her - called me straight away. His boss is involved now, so I have a bit of safety there. And heís having his second polygraph in March. Sooner if I want it.

4 1/2 months of being ignored, blocked, etc, and she wonít stop. Itís like a little bomb just every week, what now? Even checking the mail box worries me, I fully expect a letter any day. When I meet him to go to counseling, there she is, glaring at me. I go anyway, meet him at his office. She doesnít even work on his side of the building!

And every time I think sheís gone, back she comes.
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Old 12th January 2018, 5:08 PM   #11
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I don't understand why you would choose to stay with someone you have to polygraph. A partner that you can't trust.

He did what he did because it made him feel good.
Now you need to polygraph him every several months and you have a loon chasing your every turn?

Consider being without him, if you can. It's not nearly as awful as you may think.

I can't imagine the amount of waking/sleeping hours that you are wasting with this craziness.

Life is much shorter than most anticipate and honestly Smj, there isn't a drama-filled situation that I tolerate from most, especially a woman my husband had sex with behind my back.

Talk with your counselor about this. Let all of the crazy go. Either get a restraining order or let her have him...sit back with popcorn and relax.

Take care of yourself.
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Old 12th January 2018, 5:31 PM   #12
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See this is more of the long story - I just want to know why she wonít stop.


But -
Because we had a 32 year marriage that was good for all but the last few years. Because heís doing everything to repair what he destroyed. Because even as bad as things are itís better now then it was 6 months ago.

And as crazy as this sounds - because we have a grandson with autism who adored his grandfather, and would only speak to his grandfather for years. Who stopped and started avoiding his grandfather recently, but the day after I discovered he and the OW were still talking, the day he said ďIím so sorry, I get it now, and I will do anything to fix this, any thing!Ē and I was packing my bags, my daughter said ďmom - look at this - and I followed her down the stairs and was shocked to see my grandson laughing and talking to his grandfather.

I still left, but he came up with the polygraph plans, etc, so I came back , he arranged an MC, and when I quit MC because it as too much, he arranged ICís. He dragged me to a group for me. Not gonna lie, Iíve resisted every step of the way. And heís persisted.

Iím a firm believer in cutting people off if I deem them unsafe. He was my rock, and what he did was more damaging than my entire childhood of hell. But he persists.

Which honestly makes me angry! When our marriage got rocky I wanted MC, we went to MC, I wanted him to be this person who will do anything - then!! But no, not then. Now - when he sees what heís done, sees what heís losing. Now.

So Iím on the fence. Leaning toward recovery, but ready to run at any moment.
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Old 12th January 2018, 6:33 PM   #13
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Why won’t she stop?

If you are confident your husband is not in contact with her and has made it very clear he is choosing to work on his marriage, then it’s clearly because she has some personal issues that need to be addressed by a professional. None of us are qualified to diagnose her nor do the forum’s rules permit pathologizing behavior.

I know it’s been stated, but I wouldn’t worry about figuring her issues out. I’d be more focused on determining if your husband’s behavior is objectively a contributing factor. If no, then I’d go see an attorney to find out if there are any legal remedies available to you.
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Last edited by OneLov; 12th January 2018 at 6:35 PM..
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Old 12th January 2018, 7:12 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Smj View Post
See this is more of the long story - I just want to know why she wonít stop.
She won't stop for one of two reasons.

1. She has mental health issues. Get a restraining order/report her to HR.

2. Your husband is not being honest and stringing her along.

My post history will show that evaluating the mental health of any poster or subject of is not a dalliance I entertain. On the contrary.

Smj, marriage counseling as well as your individual counseling is a good idea.

I stand by my prior post.
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Old 12th January 2018, 8:56 PM   #15
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Originally Posted by Smj View Post
See this is more of the long story - I just want to know why she wonít stop.
As others have said, it's because she can't...or feels she shouldn't. Does knowing which of those are true change anything for you?

Put her on mental, physical, social and Internet "ignore" and go on with rebuilding your life and marriage. Any energy directed her way is taken for something more important...

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