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I had an affair


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 18th January 2018, 4:24 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by GoldenR View Post
I'm impressed with how you've owned what you did. Seems like you're doing everything you can to recover with your H.

I'd like to ask you a question, and please, answer truthfully...

If the sex had been mind-blowing, best you've ever had sex, and the OM wanted a real relationship with you, what would you have done?
I donít honestly know. This was never about the sex. I never wanted to have sex. But we had talked about it online for months. He was 9000 miles away. Then he just showed up. I felt panicked and obligated as I had agreed we should ďhook upĒ as he called it, but I never thought Iíd really ever see him. It was an online fantasy I was hooked to. A fantasy some handsome guy liked me. Thought I was pretty. I then he showed up. I never wanted a relationship with him. I guess he came along when I needed my husband the most. But my husband was busy with a new contract. I fell for the other guys BS. But over time he changed into a controlling monsters. I never at any time wanted to leave my H.
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Old 19th January 2018, 1:54 PM   #47
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If your wife cheats on you : firstly you ask her if she was raped, if the answer is no, you divorce her. It's much easier and altimately more fulfiling to start all over again than it is to try rebuilding such a marriage. Not divorcing is a form of avoidance, and buffering, everything in man, his biology, his psyche, his being confirms to him that if a woman commits adultery he has to let her go.

It's usually hard at first, depending on how a man understands the 'female nature' and ' intersexual dynamics' but if he puts in the work and recreates himself, it will be the most rewarding growth and experience of his life.

A man who isn't willing to let go, to risk, to break can not grow. After ending a long-term-rationships 2 years ago, i have grown as a man, the quality of women and relationships i now have are by far more satisfying : I no longer understand why it was hard letting go back then.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 1:58 AM   #48
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I donít honestly know. This was never about the sex. I never wanted to have sex. But we had talked about it online for months. .
Whenever anyone says that I think of the old adage that when someone says "It's not about the money" It's about the money. Don't kid yourself.
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Old 23rd January 2018, 12:14 PM   #49
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Itís still a hard road. He has something he says are anxiety attacks. Sometimes he wakes up at night with them. My life has changed so much. I hate to say but my hysterectomy has taken away much of my sexual feelings. It couldnít of happened at a worst time. My H has increased his sex drive and mine has dropped through the floor. I had a hard time during perimenopause but it also increased my sex drive. For a year I couldnít get enough. Me and H went at it several times a day. I became super multi orgasmic. Then I had to get a hysterectomy. Im on estrace and it helps but I rarely feel horny anymore. I can get excited but not on my own. Itís kind of depressing and I think my H didnít need that at this time. But there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could. Menopause at 47 is the pits. I went from 105 pounds to 130. My hair is everywhere. But my depression and horrible mood swings have stopped. And Iím glad about that. Maybe itís my punishment for being a bitch. And I was... but I wonder now if H isnít going through his own midlife crisis. Oh my Iím so sleepy.

You need to make some hard choices. First, you need to ask yourself if you have what it takes to be a good wife to this man. If you cannot muster up the drive to be sexual with him then it may be better if you let him go.


You also need to ask yourself if you really want to be his wife anymore. Because I'm not seeing in the way you write about your husband that you hold him in very high regard. I'm sorry but I just don't see much in the way of loving feelings for him.
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Old 26th January 2018, 3:24 PM   #50
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Originally Posted by Betrayed&Stayed View Post
I'll never understand why individuals who say the affair is so bad, keep it going. In this case for nearly 2 years. Mostly I hear this from women. Maybe being a man is why I don't get. To use Dr Phil's line: "What was your payoff?" If it was sooo bad, you had to be receiving something in return. What was it?

You've had 3-5 years to self-reflect and work on yourself; and yet you still don't know why.
I literally have thought exactly the same thing 100's of times about my W's A. You didn't want more sex, the sex wasn't that good and made you feel bad and everything he told you was a lie that was so paper thin that you could see through it on a moonless night. So.. Why did you do this again?

I really do suspect it's a man/woman thing. I think a lot of women don't get that a man would really do all this for 10 minutes in bed and an orgasm. Just like many men, myself included, can't understand that our wives would do this for someone to tell them they are pretty.
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Old 27th January 2018, 4:06 AM   #51
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Hi Folks, I think if any woman jumps into bed with a man not her husband just to hear him tell her how pretty she is, is a sad apology for a woman. If one cannot respect ones self enough to have a need for others to stroke one's ego, then it indicates a deep disorder within oneself which needs to be addressed by an appropriate professional. It is a sad position to be in because if you are mentally and emotionally so low on strength and self esteem, your love for your spouse too, is questionable. The fact remains that if you cannot love yourself how can you love someone else?

Gina, someone suggested that you do not really love your husband. Please do a deep introspection and determine if this is true or not. If it is then set your husband free even if he opposes it initially. If not true then strain every fibre in your being to love him and ensure he knows it. That is the only way you can get out of this hole that you have dug for yourself. Best wishes.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 3:13 PM   #52
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Thank you

I thank everyone who commented. Itís been hard for us these last few years. I started writing my H little poems. They are not very good but he seems to like them. Iím looking forward to Valentineís Day. Not our anniversary but the day we met. We were just kids. He bought me dinner and a balloon. We went ďbar hoppingĒ that night. I think thatís what we are going to do. Maybe I can get him to remember how great that night was. We didnít have much money but we sure had fun. I want him to remember those days. He only smiles a few times a week. How I wish I could turn back time. He had embolisms last month and almost died. While he was sedated he mumbled he didnít want to die a sad old man (heís not old). It tore my heart to pieces. So I prayed hard that night. Prayed God would help him. Help us. He is ok now. On medication for the blood clots. And he seems a bit happier to me. Time will tell.
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Old 2nd February 2018, 3:48 PM   #53
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I feel sad for your husband. I hope he is doing better.

C
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Old 2nd February 2018, 7:20 PM   #54
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Geez that sucks.
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Old 5th February 2018, 2:55 AM   #55
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Originally Posted by Gina70 View Post
We didnít have much money but we sure had fun. I want him to remember those days. .


May I suggest you bring the same amount of money you had that night, and follow the same steps (Avoiding spending too much for this and that) and make the money last and count.


Of course, hide a 50 in your shoe for a taxi back.
Don't drive there. Gives you more time to spend with him in the taxi.


But, I still don't like the fact you did what you did.
It should never have happened.
Hindsight is a 100% accurate measure of sorrow and remorse. Yet, its a tool to determine YOUR mistake. Not a choice. You made that yourself.


It was the "Poem" you stated you wrote him that made me want to add to your story here.


I like it, and so good luck to you both.




Ted.
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Old 12th February 2018, 2:35 PM   #56
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Hi Gina, any updates? It's been some time since you last posted. Valentine's Day is just round the corner. Do let us know how your date with your husband goes. Warm wishes.
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