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I had an affair


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 12th January 2018, 8:36 PM   #31
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I'm impressed with how you've owned what you did. Seems like you're doing everything you can to recover with your H.

I'd like to ask you a question, and please, answer truthfully...

If the sex had been mind-blowing, best you've ever had sex, and the OM wanted a real relationship with you, what would you have done?
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Old 13th January 2018, 12:26 PM   #32
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My affair

I was over the OM after the first time we met. I felt used and I said I would never meet him again. But I did. Not for sex but that happened to ... I canít say why I didnít just end it. I had so much guilt. Maybe I was scared. But as far as talking to my H, that has never gone well. He asks questions which are embarrassing and I end up having anxiety attacks. Iím glad he saw that. Instead he would text his questions and I would text back the answers. That reduced that face to face guilt and shame and if I had an attack it wasnít in front of him. I could wait until it was over and I could think better. Then I would text back. You throw a hugely shameful guilt and humiliation question on someone face to face donít expect a great answer back right away. Some peopleís brain just isnít wired that way. He text questions could be hurtful. But I deserve them donít i? Everyone has to find their own way. Iím glad my H saw the problem and worked around it. It allowed me time to think and respond honestly even if it took me all day. Our marrage still has problems. Itís much better than it was before. We decided not to celebrate our anniversary anymore. Because of our problems our old marrage was full of secrets and lies. Our new marrage isnít. So we start at year 1 all over. We picked Valentineís Day as our new anniversary. And it will be the first one we celebrate in our new life. All the the things from the past are gone. Pictures. All his awards from work. He cleaned out the memories and we started all over from scratch.
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Old 13th January 2018, 2:02 PM   #33
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Not an affair as such ...but I had a fling with a 6ft 5 inches tall guy and he was small down there. I was very shocked...and he wasn't great in the sack either...but we had good conversations.


I ended it after 3 occasions...because I wasn't feeling it.
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Old 15th January 2018, 3:24 PM   #34
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Penis size has nothing to do with how well a guy performs sexually.


Be that as it may, Gina it sounds like you are on the right track towards making things right with your husband. My suggestion is you should sit down and write out your boundaries, and have your husband sign off on them. Keep them on your mirror as a reminder of what behaviors you allow into your life and those you will not.
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Old 15th January 2018, 9:02 PM   #35
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Gina, how did your hubby find out what you had done? Did you tell him or did he find other evidence indicating an affair?
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Old 15th January 2018, 9:58 PM   #36
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Your first mistake was believing that this guys compliments were authentic. I'm not saying guys don't flatter a girl once in a while and mean it, but let's be honest, there are a lot of predators out there who are just looking to get into a girls pants and they will say pretty much anything to get there.

You don't sound that stupid so I'm confused by how you'd fall for the old sweet talk routine. But even more concerning is you sleep with this guy and then do it again after you found him to be less than satisfying sexually and personality wise?

How could he have such a psychological grip on you if you were married and had a husband who was better sexually? I'd think you'd have told him after the first dismal failure, "yeah, that was a mistake, see ya!"
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Old 16th January 2018, 1:47 PM   #37
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Originally Posted by Gina70 View Post
I was over the OM after the first time we met. I felt used and I said I would never meet him again. But I did. Not for sex but that happened to ... I canít say why I didnít just end it. I had so much guilt. Maybe I was scared. But as far as talking to my H, that has never gone well. He asks questions which are embarrassing and I end up having anxiety attacks. Iím glad he saw that. Instead he would text his questions and I would text back the answers. That reduced that face to face guilt and shame and if I had an attack it wasnít in front of him. I could wait until it was over and I could think better. Then I would text back. You throw a hugely shameful guilt and humiliation question on someone face to face donít expect a great answer back right away. Some peopleís brain just isnít wired that way. He text questions could be hurtful. But I deserve them donít i? Everyone has to find their own way. Iím glad my H saw the problem and worked around it. It allowed me time to think and respond honestly even if it took me all day. Our marrage still has problems. Itís much better than it was before. We decided not to celebrate our anniversary anymore. Because of our problems our old marrage was full of secrets and lies. Our new marrage isnít. So we start at year 1 all over. We picked Valentineís Day as our new anniversary. And it will be the first one we celebrate in our new life. All the the things from the past are gone. Pictures. All his awards from work. He cleaned out the memories and we started all over from scratch.
Blues was referring to me and yes, you are not alone in having that experience with a mm with ED. There was a lot of discussion at a time on the other board and it was a common theme, men with sexual performance issues whose wives rejected them were definitely more likely to cheat. They treated the other women like garbage because all they really wanted was their wife to pay attention to them. The other women were left feeling pretty used.

Why would you (or I) would have been attracted (and gone back for more) to a man like that is a whole other story. I'm sure there are many books written on the topic of why a woman stays with a man who makes her feel bad about herself. But as someone here posted, the important thing is not to ever let yourself get sucked in by some guy's attention and flattery. No decent guy goes after a married woman so you can be assured that whoever is pursuing you, it's not a great guy.

As an aside, I don't like hearing your husband threw out his awards and you changed your anniversary date. You can't erase the past. Even if you throw all your possessions away and move across the country, the trouble is your thoughts and feelings. You just have to work through those and there are no shortcuts.
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Old 17th January 2018, 2:02 AM   #38
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Gina....few affairs are completely good or completely bad. It's what we learn from them that is important.
My affair was wonderful sexually, but horrible mentally. After it ended, we both (my MW and I) learned the lessons it taught. We have been married for several years and have 3 biological kids and three adopted kids and have sex as often as the kids will give us time. Like my old uncle used to say, "It all comes out in the wash".
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Old 17th January 2018, 9:16 AM   #39
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Hi Justjoe, can you please elaborate for the others on here what were the specific lessons you and your MW learnt from your affair? What were the takeaways? How long ago was your affair and have you and your wife reconciled mostly? I guess a full reconciliation will never be possible but like Mrs. John Adams is won't to say, she and her husband have been in reconciliation for 33years and it is still a work in progress! Guess it is tough to deal with the fallout of an affair. Warm wishes.
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:27 AM   #40
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We decided not to celebrate our anniversary anymore. Because of our problems our old marrage was full of secrets and lies. Our new marrage isnít. So we start at year 1 all over. We picked Valentineís Day as our new anniversary. And it will be the first one we celebrate in our new life. All the the things from the past are gone. Pictures. All his awards from work. He cleaned out the memories and we started all over from scratch.
I did the same thing. All pictures and mementos from the wedding and first 10 years of our marriage have been removed. Only pics of our daughters through the ages remain in sight. I don't acknowledge our wedding anniversary. I tried for the first few years after D-Day; I couldn't do it. We made Easter our new anniversary date because D-Day was on Easter.

Over the years my brain has rewired itself not to have any memories of those years. If I want to recall a memory, I have dig very deep into a mental vault to find them. Over the past Christmas I drove by the church where we got married. Initially I couldn't remember if that's where we got married. I had to think about it for 5 minutes.
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Old 17th January 2018, 10:53 AM   #41
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Hi Betrayed&stayed, I guess the mind has it's own form of morphine to help suppress the emotional pain which otherwise would be intolerable. I think that is one of the reasons people say that Time is a great healer. I sometimes wonder how WS who have been remorseful and have reconciled with their spouses deal with the bits and pieces of their shattered marriages as they try and rebuild it, knowing all the while that their spouses are undergoing insufferable pain from the effects of what they did. I think for both the BS and the WS the affair is a personal hell they could do without. Just a thought. Warm wishes.
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Old 17th January 2018, 12:54 PM   #42
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There is no such thing as a good affair. All affairs do is leave you wondering about what your life would have been like if you just hadn't betrayed your partner and family. Affairs are life changing, you can never go back to who you were or I should say, who you believed you were. Today, I have zero tolerance for infidelity when it comes to me. I have one simple philosophy(It took being cheated on by three different women to decide on my tolerance level) if you cheat on me you don't deserve to be in my life.

Very often we see betrayed spouse's staying in the relationship because they are too afraid to start again. Trust me when I say this, your infidelity will never be forgotten regardless if they stay or leave you. As the betrayer, the onus will be on you to make them feel safe if you want the marriage to survive. That often means compromising yourself, doing things that might make you feel uncomfortable. No one wins, the memory of the pain caused will stay with you for your lifetime. Get the necessary help you need to deal with childhood traumas you experienced because until you do you are a risk to your partner or any future partner if this relationship doesn't survive. Work on yourself.

Last edited by aliveagain; 17th January 2018 at 12:56 PM..
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Old 17th January 2018, 7:10 PM   #43
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I did the same thing. All pictures and mementos from the wedding and first 10 years of our marriage have been removed. Only pics of our daughters through the ages remain in sight. I don't acknowledge our wedding anniversary. I tried for the first few years after D-Day; I couldn't do it. We made Easter our new anniversary date because D-Day was on Easter.

Over the years my brain has rewired itself not to have any memories of those years. If I want to recall a memory, I have dig very deep into a mental vault to find them. Over the past Christmas I drove by the church where we got married. Initially I couldn't remember if that's where we got married. I had to think about it for 5 minutes.

B&S, I was like this for awhile. Didn't want to acknowledge ANYTHING from the past. No pictures, no stories, no nothing. And when it DID come up, like in conversations with friends, I always made it a point to be extra silent so that my wife understood this story took place during a difficult time for me.

But then I decided that wasn't doing anyone any good. The fun memories from those years WERE ACTUALLY FUN, and the nice times were nice. And even the loving times were loving. it was my history, and my good memories, and I wasn't going to let some insignificant idiot from a place she doesn't even work anymore destroy a decade of my memories.

Take those memories back. They are yours. Some of them are bad, but don't give up large chunks of your history over them.
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Old 17th January 2018, 9:47 PM   #44
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Hi Justjoe, can you please elaborate for the others on here what were the specific lessons you and your MW learnt from your affair? What were the takeaways? How long ago was your affair and have you and your wife reconciled mostly? I guess a full reconciliation will never be possible but like Mrs. John Adams is won't to say, she and her husband have been in reconciliation for 33years and it is still a work in progress! Guess it is tough to deal with the fallout of an affair. Warm wishes.
I think Justjoe married his MW, that is what he means.
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Old 18th January 2018, 4:14 PM   #45
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Itís still a hard road. He has something he says are anxiety attacks. Sometimes he wakes up at night with them. My life has changed so much. I hate to say but my hysterectomy has taken away much of my sexual feelings. It couldnít of happened at a worst time. My H has increased his sex drive and mine has dropped through the floor. I had a hard time during perimenopause but it also increased my sex drive. For a year I couldnít get enough. Me and H went at it several times a day. I became super multi orgasmic. Then I had to get a hysterectomy. Im on estrace and it helps but I rarely feel horny anymore. I can get excited but not on my own. Itís kind of depressing and I think my H didnít need that at this time. But there is nothing I can do about it. I wish I could. Menopause at 47 is the pits. I went from 105 pounds to 130. My hair is everywhere. But my depression and horrible mood swings have stopped. And Iím glad about that. Maybe itís my punishment for being a bitch. And I was... but I wonder now if H isnít going through his own midlife crisis. Oh my Iím so sleepy.
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