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Not getting attention from my H and may stray elsewhere for the attention...


Soul Searching JJ

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Soul Searching JJ

I'm not getting the attention I want and need from my marriage. We are going thru a tough time right now. He has all kinds of unresolved issues from his childhood that are taking a real toll on us now. I am seeing him through this as he struggles with depression, anxiety, AADD and pot addiction.

 

He is a truly wonderful soul under all of the troubles he has although everything is always about him. He was abused and neglected as a child so now he starves to have all of the attention. I've talked with him about how I feel my needs are being left out in all of this but nothing seems to happen. He is taking effexor for his depression and it has caused his sex drive to drop to a minimal so I'm not getting any of that either.

 

I just want him to be interested in me again and want to have a conversation about something other than the kids or how he is feeling... this has been going on for a while now. Last night I found myself outside around midnight just to get some air. A neighbor (23 years old) from a few houses down came home and saw me standing in front of the house and came over to talk.

 

I don't even like this guy because he is on the trashy side - nice, but a hard life's story with no positive influences. He is dirty all the time, has only t-shirts in his wardrobe, drinks all the time, and chain smokes. The terrible thing is that I enjoyed talking with him more than my husband because we talked about stuff in general - not to much about either one of us...

 

I have no interest in this guy at all but it made me want to find someone else to talk with that I would be interested in. I am scared because I've never cheated on anyone ever and never want to because I have to much respect for myself - but the kicker is I'm beginning to feel like I NEED someone else because my H isn't there for me.

 

Any advise?

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Ditto what Moose said. And, I'd add that you find a support group - a posse - as it were of females to discuss this with. Al-anon might be an option, due to the addiction. You are right to want your emotional needs met - find a safe outlet to have that happen - with females! As to the sex - that sucks, but there are vibrators while you sort this out. They won't leave you feeling guilty, just sticky.

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What Moose said but I'll add a bit.

 

I was in your position, sort of, for years. The only difference between you and I is that I communicated to him over and over that he wasn't meeting my needs- that we needed counseling. I told him if someone came along and gave me any attention I might cheat. He never listened. Bottom line, I cheated.

 

I ended up leaving him anyway, and not for the other guy. When he found out I cheated- I am the scum of the earth. No one remembers that he wasn't home ever for years and years- all that is remembered is that I'm a cheating wife.

 

You do not need the grief that this would bring to you, I promise you. If I had to do it all over again, I would have just left. Do yourself a favor and talk to him, do counseling, whatever it takes. Leave if you must but don't cheat.

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ImaManDammit

Its interesting that you said you enjoyed talking to this new person but then automatically jumped into not wanting to cheat on your husband.

 

So what is it you lack really?

 

It is the the fact you want to talk to someone about things other than your current issues with husband/family? Because you can find time to do that and still be faithful to your husband. Its called having a life of your own.

 

This is no way means abandoning your husband, but it doesn't mean you're enslaved to him either. Find the time for YOU. Have ing strung out isn't going to help his cause either.

 

Now if its a sexual issue as well. Well have your husnabnd talk to his doctor about potential medications that limit the amount of side affects such as slow sex drives or perhaps other alternatives.

 

Most importantly keep an open dialogue with your husband. Hinding you feelings from him just to spare him grief now won't do him any good. Imagine if you left him, or had an affair. Then would you have spared him anything?

 

Good luck to you.

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whichwayisup
I'm not getting the attention I want and need from my marriage. We are going thru a tough time right now. He has all kinds of unresolved issues from his childhood that are taking a real toll on us now. I am seeing him through this as he struggles with depression, anxiety, AADD and pot addiction.

 

So right now he is going through alot, I understand how hard it is as I suffer from an anxiety disorder. My husband has been SO supportive and encouraging. He CHOSE to accept some changes, that I am not able to go out and DO things I used to do in the past, and has not allowed my personal issues, the anxiety etc to come between us. All I will tell you is your husband NEEDS your support, put him first. Right now he isn't capable of giving you what you need, it's not that he doesn't love you or want you, he just isn't himself in a sense. Please don't give up on him and go have an affair. Through thick and thin- That is marriage. Get him to therapy, he needs help. I am currently been doing cognitive behaviour therapy, which helps me cope with the anxiety and teaches me how to live life again without all the fears and hangups...It's a slow process, but it does work. If you really love him and want this marriage, be supportive and if you are lonely - Find some hobbies, go and enjoy yourself with girlfriends - Not some OM who will whisper sweet nothings in your ear to make you feel desired, needed and loved.

 

He is a truly wonderful soul under all of the troubles he has although everything is always about him. He was abused and neglected as a child so now he starves to have all of the attention. I've talked with him about how I feel my needs are being left out in all of this but nothing seems to happen. He is taking effexor for his depression and it has caused his sex drive to drop to a minimal so I'm not getting any of that either.

 

Is he willing to go to marriage councilling too? I think you should tell him what you posted about here. Maybe being very upfront with him and say you don't want to have an affair, may give him the incentive of fixing himself, otherwise the marriage is going to suffer even more.

 

The sex thing, well, you have to come to terms that right now he isn't capable of having alot of sex, so either go buy a vibe and take care of yourself or just try to put sex out of your head. Cheating is not going to solve the problems in your marriage, it will only make it worse...I'm not saying you're even that close to considering an affair, but stranger things have happened, it can just come out of nowhere....

 

I just want him to be interested in me again and want to have a conversation about something other than the kids or how he is feeling... this has been going on for a while now. Last night I found myself outside around midnight just to get some air. A neighbor (23 years old) from a few houses down came home and saw me standing in front of the house and came over to talk.

 

It's nice to have somebody to talk to, to understand you...Again, your girlfriends are the better choice just because of the way you're feeling, some guys could zone in on that and know how vunerable you're feeling...If you know what I mean...

 

I have no interest in this guy at all but it made me want to find someone else to talk with that I would be interested in. I am scared because I've never cheated on anyone ever and never want to because I have to much respect for myself - but the kicker is I'm beginning to feel like I NEED someone else because my H isn't there for me

 

Glad to hear that. I know you're lonely and missing something from your H. It is unfair, and his issues are overtaking the marriage, he is down, feeling s***ty, being selfish -ALL the more reason to make him deal with his issues and talk to a therapist.

 

I hope things get better for you and your husband.

 

Originally posted by Moose

Tell your husband, EXACTLEY, what you told us. Period.

 

I agree 100% with Moose here...

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Soul Searching JJ
Originally posted by New_Wife

Ditto what Moose said. And, I'd add that you find a support group - a posse - as it were of females to discuss this with. Al-anon might be an option, due to the addiction. You are right to want your emotional needs met - find a safe outlet to have that happen - with females! As to the sex - that sucks, but there are vibrators while you sort this out. They won't leave you feeling guilty, just sticky. [/quote

Originally posted by New_Wife

Ditto what Moose said. And, I'd add that you find a support group - a posse - as it were of females to discuss this with. Al-anon might be an option, due to the addiction. You are right to want your emotional needs met - find a safe outlet to have that happen - with females! As to the sex - that sucks, but there are vibrators while you sort this out. They won't leave you feeling guilty, just sticky.

 

:D LOL about the sex comment!!!

 

I needed the humor - it helps!

 

Moose is right about telling him this and I tried. In so many words I told him about this guy stopping over and how it made me realize how in need I am of someone to have small talk with. Nothing too deep about this or that - just the weather would be nice... He said he was trying but doesn't take on the opportunities I give.

 

We are seeing a marriage counselor, she has helped a lot when we are there but after we leave the "close" feeling seems to drift. I don't want to involve my friends in to much of the details of what we are going thru (because I am somewhat ashamed I got myself into this...). Oddly, it makes it hard to have small talk with them because I want to tell them.

 

Originally posted by whichwayisup

Please don't give up on him and go have an affair. Through thick and thin- That is marriage. Get him to therapy, he needs help. I am currently been doing cognitive behaviour therapy, which helps me cope with the anxiety and teaches me how to live life again without all the fears and hangups...It's a slow process, but it does work. If you really love him and want this marriage, be supportive and if you are lonely - Find some hobbies, go and enjoy yourself with girlfriends - Not some OM who will whisper sweet nothings in your ear to make you feel desired, needed and loved.

 

He has a psychologist but isn't in regular therapy. He makes appointments with her and doesn't tell me about them. I don't know when he is going... and almost worse, I don't know what he is telling her. I don't push the issue because he NEEDS someone to talk with that is just for him but I fear that he may feed her all kinds of lies. If I were to ever meet her, I may burst his bubble he has with her and then he won't go...

 

Originally posted by whichwayisupIt's nice to have somebody to talk to, to understand you...Again, your girlfriends are the better choice just because of the way you're feeling, some guys could zone in on that and know how vunerable you're feeling...If you know what I mean...

 

I do know what you mean and that is where I get scared. I want a totally platonic friendship with someone to fill in all the gaps but I know that is always how it starts...

 

Originally posted by imamandammit

It is the the fact you want to talk to someone about things other than your current issues with husband/family? Because you can find time to do that and still be faithful to your husband. Its called having a life of your own.

 

Yes. The problem with having a life of my own is we have 4 kids all together and he gets close to a breakdown when I am gone for more than 2-3 hours. This doesn't mean I can't go at all - it just makes it hard to leave. My 11 year old is an extremely good kid and very responsible - my H takes advantage of this and makes the 11 year old play the parent role while I am out. Yes I have talked with him about this and he is better but it still happens.

 

How long is long enough to wait for things to get better? It has been months since things began to hit the fan. I am a very strong person am feeling the pressure.

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