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We have now been married for 25 years with two daughters in their late teens and early 20s. We married young and moved to a smaller city so I could go to a specialized college for 2 years. My wife worked a couple different jobs and fell in with a younger crowd. She would party with them minus me and she even brought a guy home with her once. She became somewhat distant during our second year of marriage and our lovve life floundered. About May of the second year she got a phone call which turned out to be the doctors office advising her that the pregnancy test was positive. She hung up, looked at me, told me she was pregnant and that she would be having an abortion. When I asked why, she simply said that she did not want a baby. I could not recall the last time we had sex, so I was a little taken aback. She had the abortion and we did not talk about it again. Fast forward 20 years and we have two daughters and a cottage on a lake which we enjoyed with our long time friends. Anyway, one evening my best friend is over and we have supper and many drinks. I am tired and go to bed about 11:00pm. Waking about 1:00am I go out for a drink and realize they are both gone on his snow mobile. They show up about an hour later with the machine damaged and claim they were just riding over to another mutual friend's house when they hit a tree. Since our mutual friend was not up at his cottage I asked what the plan was, they told me they wanted to try out his new hot tub.

Dial forward a couple more years and we are at a party at a marina where a friend's boat is kept. I had a few and decided to go for a walk. It was a very dark night and as i am walking off my drinks I see my wife and the same best friend riding a couple bikes to another part of the marina. I was temted to follow them but was side tracked by anther lady who was at the same party. She started the conversation with "you know your friend and wife are having an affair" to which I responded, "thats insane, not happening". Well anyway once they returned about 45 minutes later I said in a joking manner" hey Judy says your having an affair" to which they both just chuckle along with me. Anyway, now I am curious and the next morning notice my wifes underware in the laundry, and the are very wet and getting stiff in the crotch area. I jave since that time been somewhat concerned that perhaps they are or were having some type of fling. My friend at the time was seperated from his wife who he married shortly after we had been married, and both of us were each others best man. So here is the question, am I simply putting unrelated activities together with the wrong answer or not. My friend is well known for his infidelity and he and his wife split a few times over the past 25 years. He has since reconciled with his wife and they seem to be living together more than not. As well we have not seen him in almost a year and my wife and I get along great. So I am not looking to open any potential wounds, but am I actually fooling myself about the possibility or am I just being delusional?

Comments certainly are welcome.

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Sounds like they are. Sorry to say.

 

Don't base it on the underwear though. That is not an indicator of sex. Women had normal vaginal discharge which can do that to underwear.

 

I would base or odd off all the times your wife and friend have snuck off together.

 

Have tou ever asked her or done any snooping? You don't seem to motivated to find out the truth.

Or angry for that matter.

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I think if I were you, I would have put a stop to their running all over the place together when it first started.

 

Second thing is when she got pregnant, I would have had a calculator out doing some serious adding and subtracting because the way it sounds, she got knocked up and had the abortion.

 

I think you better come out of the fog and wake up friend because it sounds like your being run over many times.

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Well I guess i am just still not believing it. Yet any actual evidence does seem to elude me. Also, as stated, life is very good for the both of us right now.

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Evidence shows your wife enjoys male company without you around...and gets pregnant when you don't have sex.

 

She's never going to admit to anything. You've had plenty of reasons to admit it to yourself...yet you CHOOSE to be delusional about your wife.

 

She cheats. She lies. You stay married to her.

 

Do you have a question or are you planning to keep your head in the sand so not to upset the apple cart?

 

You can call it a happy marriage - evidence shows it's not. Plenty of people lie to themselves every day.

 

Is this good enough for you to stay?

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life is always good for the delusional. It's easy to be happy when your head is in the sand and you live in perpetual denial.

 

Do some actual due diligence and look for signs of her chronic infidelity and you will find it.

 

Don't ask her, she will just say no and you will believe her because believing her doesn't rock the boat and doesn't challenge your denial.

 

Actually go through her phone bill and texting history. Hack her computer and her emails and social media. Dig through all her stuff like a CSI guy looking for that one strand of hair that makes a break through in the case.

 

Pick up a few voice activated recorders and stash them in her car and any other place she may have a private conversation.

 

Make up a story to leave town and then hire a PI to watch her while you are gone and then contact you to show up while she is getting it on with the OM.

 

When you decide to accept reality and open your eyes, you will see the truth.

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you see here is why this is a slam dunk. Cheating is a character issue. She has a character flaw.

 

You are an enabler that has looked the other way for a quarter of century so you don't have to deal it.

 

when you are ready to open your eyes to reality, you will see.

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Well I guess i am just still not believing it. Yet any actual evidence does seem to elude me. Also, as stated, life is very good for the both of us right now.

 

Evidence doesn't elude you. You are eluding the evidence. You are hiding from the evidence so that it doesn't rock the boat or challenge your delusional world view.

 

You are in deep denial.

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Well I guess i am just still not believing it. Yet any actual evidence does seem to elude me. Also, as stated, life is very good for the both of us right now.

 

Ignorance is bliss until it isn't.

 

Check your phone bill.

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ShatteredLady

Hi. What reason did they give for the 45 mins at the marina?

 

Would you ever go off somewhere with his wife? Like if you needed ice or drinks. Would you & his wife, or both the wives go off together to get it done?

 

My close (from teenagers) group of friends in England do things like that. Innocently. None of us have ever cheated within the core group.

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Jay12,

I think you know that old adage about "denial isn't just a river in Egypt".

 

Some of us lie to ourselves because it's easier that facing a painful reality. As long as we have our heads somewhere else we don't have to acknowledge a problem and deal with it.

 

I'm afraid you need to wake up and smell what you're shovelling, and it won't smell good.

 

You'll need to get some sound evidence of her cheating, as others have suggested, then see a solicitor/lawyer and kick her sorry @r$e into touch.

 

This is a tough situation but you need to get rid of this parasite from your life before you waste any more years with her.

 

I'm sorry, I really am x

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life is always good for the delusional. It's easy to be happy when your head is in the sand and you live in perpetual denial.

 

Do some actual due diligence and look for signs of her chronic infidelity and you will find it.

 

Don't ask her, she will just say no and you will believe her because believing her doesn't rock the boat and doesn't challenge your denial.

 

Actually go through her phone bill and texting history. Hack her computer and her emails and social media. Dig through all her stuff like a CSI guy looking for that one strand of hair that makes a break through in the case.

 

Pick up a few voice activated recorders and stash them in her car and any other place she may have a private conversation.

 

Make up a story to leave town and then hire a PI to watch her while you are gone and then contact you to show up while she is getting it on with the OM.

 

When you decide to accept reality and open your eyes, you will see the truth.

 

But wait - he doesn't want to see the truth... He wants to keep believing the lies.

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Well I guess i am just still not believing it. Yet any actual evidence does seem to elude me. Also, as stated, life is very good for the both of us right now.

 

What would it actually take for you to believe it?

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I would bet money on an affair. Sounds like you have the finances to find out for certain. Get a private investigator if you really want to find out the truth.

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T-16bullseyeWompRat

One thing I can't stand about this forum is how quick people are to say "your spouse is probably cheating" at the smallest of insignificant signs that doesn't necessarily point to your spouse cheating. It's like people just project their own infidelity situations on to other members. It is very common, and in some cases a huge leap to come to that conclusion.

 

Having said that.... Dude WAKE THE HELL UP! Everything everyone else has said is spot on. Pull your head out your ars. Of course they are having an affair. Of course she was prego with Sancho's kid. Of course you have a serial cheater on your hands. There is zero doubt. I think even in your own mind. You are like the guy from the matrix that wants back in. You keep swallowing the red pill, only to immediately reinstate yourself back into your own mental fantasy land. And it's happened to you several times over.

 

If you want to keep your head in the sand for your entire life because you are comfortable, that is fine. Just at least acknowledge the truth. I suspect your wife even figures you know about it, and do nothing. I don't know, is someone a cake eater if said cake eater is being served and spoon fed the cake by their spouse?

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For me - I had it all... All the stuff and a nice cushy life.

 

And he expected I would swallow that **** sandwich he served up on that silver platter.

 

He forgot, though, that he could take my self respect.

 

And in order to keep my self respect intact FOR MYSELF - I had to leave him and the 25 years we had been together.

 

Giving up all of the "stuff" was well worth it! I found happiness within. None of the stuff mattered to me when I needed to respect myself enough to end it.

 

But he was shocked... And frankly at that point I didn't care how he felt...he showed me exactly who he was - he wasn't who I THOUGHT he was.

 

But I am free - free from the lies and denial. And he is stuck with being a real jerk...and nothing can make that different for him.

 

Change is good. Change brings hope that things can get better.

 

You know exactly what you need to know or you wouldn't have posted here.

 

And you know what you need to do to have some self respect.

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She would party with them minus me and she even brought a guy home with her once.

 

What does this mean?

 

She became somewhat distant during our second year of marriage and our lovve life floundered. About May of the second year she got a phone call which turned out to be the doctors office advising her that the pregnancy test was positive. She hung up, looked at me, told me she was pregnant and that she would be having an abortion. When I asked why, she simply said that she did not want a baby. I could not recall the last time we had sex, so I was a little taken aback. She had the abortion and we did not talk about it again.

 

Are you implying she was pregnant with another man's child?

 

Wow. Denial isn't just a river...

 

Mr. Lucky

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. Also, as stated, life is very good for the both of us right now.

 

So why don't you continue with your "very good life"? why are you here?

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Wow, I can't believe how many of you seem to agree that my wife actually has been unfaithful. Out of the blue one of the guys in our group who actually new my wife before I met her told me that "I was naive".

Our life today is good, a couple months ago she moved into a seperate bedroom because I snore. She still slios into bed with me once a week for some great sex.

I have checked all known mail and i set her phone up and know exactly what is on it. And there is absolutly no smoking gun.

This is why I question myself and think that perhaps I have mistakenly put actions together and my delusion is that I think my wife has cheated, when she really hasn't.

It is a strange life I seem to lead.

Are you guys really convinced that she has been unfaithfull or is that the conclusion you have drawn based on my interpretation of my circumstance?

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So why don't you continue with your "very good life"? why are you here?

 

So that is a good question. I guess I am here because there is no one else I can bounce these question off of, because every one I know also knows my wife.

I still love her and she loves me. If anything inappropriate happened in the past, then it has been a couple years since and we enjoy a good life.

Beihg in our 50's it would be tough both financially and emotionally to split. Also there are our daughters tovthink about. They love both of us and would never have a clue that anything is amiss.

I am shocked at how many here seem to side with my Othello delusion, maybe I have misjudged this.

Good grief, this was not what I thought I would find.

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Dude come on if you want to believe in Santa Clause the tooth fairy, and all that other BS. then go right ahead keep your head in the sand obvious that you came here for a reason and you know just as well as we do she's probably been doing it the whole time from when it sounds like. Your buddies of like an answe probably been doing it the whole time from when it sounds like. Your Buddy ain't your buddy. You need to read that book no more Mr. nice guy. Because you have been getting walk over your whole marriage... And she didn't have respect for you at all... I mean think about it have you been a good role model for your daughters.?

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After her next 'date' when she comes home with saturated panties why not use a semen detection kit on them? I think it's called Checkmate.

 

Then you'll have proof of semen versus vaginal discharge.

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Cheating is a character issue. She has a character flaw.

 

You are an enabler that has looked the other way for a quarter of century so you don't have to deal it.

 

when you are ready to open your eyes to reality, you will see.

This is a real thing. And the auto-pilot lying they do without a second's hesitation. This was my life and I had no clue for decades.

 

Don't stop here. Keep digging. The out-of-town ruse with the PI is the best way to get confirmation fast.

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