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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 31st December 2017, 4:54 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
Yes, I am "projecting my issues" because I know how it feels to have a permanent, uncurable doubt about a parent's love. And mine wasn't even nearly as bad as him trying to prove that I wasn't his kid!

If you think it's damaged me, that kind of proves my point, doesn't it?
Not sure what you're rambling about. People have a right to know the truth whether it suits your purposes or not.
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Old 1st January 2018, 5:10 AM   #32
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Well in your other thread you complain about rarely getting sex. It's because she's having sex with her other married man.

She's cheated for a long time - she's had sex with him for a long time.

She's lied to you about so much for a long time.


Looks like she's ruined your marriage. No reason to stay with a purposeful liar who cheats on you.

Don't stay married because you have kids with a lying cheater - your relationship with your kids is separate from your relationship with your wife... you can spend more time making sure you nurture the relationship with the kids so they feel safe and secure with you. Their Mother couldn't possibly provide that while she's spending time ruining the family unit.

Don't wait - file for divorce. She's not capable of being honest or faithful.

She expects you to settle for once a month because she so busy giving it to her OM... it's pathetic that she pretended to repair the marriage and go to counseling - she never stopped seeing him - she only became more sneaky and a better liar.

You deserve better than her. Stop waiting and stop being so understanding.

It's a new year - file for divorce asap. That way you can be free of this cheater that's ruined your life.
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Old 1st January 2018, 7:51 PM   #33
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TKelly
You are compromising because you are emotionally weak at this time. Your wife has proven to you that she has chosen another man and rejected you for many years. She does not love you deeply or maybe not even at all.


Will you be a better father and a better man by compromising and staying with a woman that has proven that her character at her core is not worthy of loyalty a or trust? Your children will benefit for a father that is whole and capable of giving them his attention and love without being emotionally damaged.


What do you think? Do you think that you will be a better man and father by staying with your betraying wife or getting rid of her and rebuilding yourself?
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Old 1st January 2018, 11:20 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by BourneWicked View Post
I would love a whole separate thread on this, and the definition of "bad."Many people got married long before they knew who they were, or had stable self-images. I hear this comment a lot and I always wonder at the truth of it. Especially if the adults can come to terms with their own issues, and keep the family unit together.

Just interesting is all... curious on others comments on this thought.
I don't know, perhaps start with openly dating other men while married to the child's father. Showing her children what her word means, how to honor the word she gave. Why thinking about adultery and actually going through with it are two separate deadly sins in the Bible. Showing by their actions that having unprotected sex with men outside of her marriage to their father is an acceptable behavior. Those are just a couple that one can start with without getting into the sleazy parts about having unprotected sex, risking her husbands health to STD's, pregnancy, bla, bla, bla. Grown people know right from wrong and good from bad. There is nothing wrong with open relationships as long as you both know your in one.
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Old 1st January 2018, 11:53 PM   #35
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You should hit her with the divorce papers and THEN see what she's willing to do to fix the damage she's done. This is the second time you've caught her. It's time for her to start seeing what her future might look like if she keeps ****ing around. She probably doesn't think you'll really leave. In which case she probably won't be too motivated to change.
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Old 2nd January 2018, 6:57 AM   #36
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What are you doing to end this affair?

What steps have you made for NC to be in place?

Have you taken the first step to have WW quit her job?

Have you done a complete exposure of this affair, who
has been told?

Was there a work place exposure?
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Old 2nd January 2018, 7:54 AM   #37
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If you are trying reconciliation, get a postnuptial made up with what you want. Have her sign it if she will, then if you ever catch her again everything is done legally.

If she won’t sign it then she has no intention of stopping the affair.
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Old 3rd January 2018, 10:52 PM   #38
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Nobody knows how they will react to an affair the first time. Nobody is prepared for the intense feelings, the pain, the misery and the wanting to wish it all could just go away.

I wasn't prepared at all, and shattered by it all. I reacted in ways I never knew I would.

But that was the first time. if it happened a SECOND time, I know exactly how I would react.

She would be dead to me. Absolutely dead to me.

You break my heart and my trust once, you may get a pass as I wobble to my feet and try to sort things out.

You try it again, and I've got nothing for you. Nothing.

Don't be a fool. Again.
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Old 4th January 2018, 12:30 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
NEVER DO THIS. this is abusive to your children.

this is permanently destroying your relationship with your children, in the hopes of causing pain to your wife.

It doesn't matter what the test says. Even if they're 100% yours, your relationship with them is over, because they will never, ever forgive you. In their eyes, you suddenly reduced them to nothing more than objects, things that you were trying to throw away.
I disagree. You don't need to tell the kids why they are being tested, but, they do need to be. You would be surprised at how many out of wedlock pregs end up with the husband left to pay for. Besides, they would want to know their real dad anyways. Too many poor life choices get a pass these days, and the cycle is allowed to continue on and on.
Blow it up. Serve her papers and demand DNA. Or you will be paying for her infidelity for 18 years or more....
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Old 4th January 2018, 1:21 PM   #40
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You don’t need to serve papers for DNA because you don’t need or want your wife’s DNA. You can buy a kit at almost any drug store, WalMart or Amazon. You swab the inside of your cheek and the kid’s. Then you send the kit to a lab.

If the kids are very young you don’t have to tell them anything, just do it. If they are older tell them the truth. They will always be your kid but you need to test their mother.

If you want to get official results to stop child support (for example) you may have to get a court order. But only go to that trouble if the initial results say that they are not biologically yours.
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Old 4th January 2018, 1:25 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by WilyWill View Post

Tell your wife to order a DNA paternity testing kit, and to pay for it with her own paycheck. Tell her together that the two of you will perform a cheek swab on each kid to determine who the father really is. Go through with the test, make her participate in it.

Have her submit to STD testing, also at her own expense. You will demand to see the test results--her word is meaningless. Explain to her that she's lost all credibility for the rest of her life, after having lied at least two times.

.
Yes. I did both of these. IN fact I went through with the DNA testing even though both of my sons are my spitting image, and the second one was born 4 years later and 2000 miles away. I did it PURELY as an exercise to show her the real depth of what she had done to us. It was a way of putting myself on the other side of a wall from her, and letting her know that this impacted much more than just my hurt ego.

The STD test was similar. While I wasn't really worried about it, I still made her get tested like a friggen astronaut. She got one basic series done, and I sent her back for another series that included stupid diseases that were probably cured 50 years ago. Mostly to humiliate her, and again show her the depth of what she had done.

I admit it. I needed her to walk across hot rocks to get back to me. if they won't do that, they aren't sorry.
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Old 4th January 2018, 1:28 PM   #42
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
I disagree. You don't need to tell the kids why they are being tested, but, they do need to be. You would be surprised at how many out of wedlock pregs end up with the husband left to pay for.
I'm quite aware that many kids are not fathered by who they think they are. And I don't object to the idea of finding out for sure, for medical purposes. That's useful information.

However, when you say there "with the husband left to pay for", that gives the impression that you're suggesting a father who has raised children as his own for years should be able to abandon them flat if it turns out that they aren't genetically his. Something that is no fault of theirs.

Quote:
Or you will be paying for her infidelity for 18 years or more....
Again, this suggests that you think that after raising a kid for three, five, ten, however-many years, if you then find out the kid is not genetically yours, even though that child has loved and trusted you all its life, you should be able to walk away, no child support, no responsibilities.

Do you think you should be able to walk away from a child if you find out it's not genetically yours? If not, why are you talking about paying "for 18 years or more"?

If your child thinks that you were trying to get rid of any responsibility for them and were only grudgingly forced to continue supporting them when it turned out that yes, you are the genetic father, how do you think that is going to affect their relationship with you?

Now sure you could have the test done quietly so that the kid never knows you were checking. But that's not usually what gets suggested in these infidelity threads. Most of the time people are suggesting that people do the test very openly, WITH the wayward spouse present, in order to frighten and punish the wayward spouse and make her "face the consequences of her actions". There's no way that's not going to be traumatic for the kids.

I would suggest everyone should get babies paternity tested as babies. Just routine. Helps make sure there wasn't a hospital mixup, helps get any medical problems brought up early on, and prevents there from being a disorienting surprise later. And then, if you are the kind of man who would rather get out right away than raise another man's baby, then you can do that immediately, without first raising and then abandoning the child.
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Old 4th January 2018, 2:09 PM   #43
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I'm sorry, so the WW steps out of the marriage and the kids, and somehow, the issue is them? What? I thought we were done with the emasculating part here... The fact is, you can love people without having to be financially burdened by them. If it is YOUR choice to be the financially responsible parent then so be it. But atleast have an informed choice. Not forced by a WW. Give me a break. The OP needs all the information because right now, he has none. He is being used like a appliance in the house.
Talk about self loathing and resentment. You can say that love is blind or whatever. But overtime, it always comes to a head and then you look into the mirror and see what. A woman who betrayed a honest husband, kids that possibly not even his and a AP that is laughing all the way. Cruel.
Get STD checks
Get DNA test
Go see multiple lawyers, serve the WW papers
Get her out of the house and start 180.
Get the kids dealt with lovingly. Supportive care and Ample time with you
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Old 4th January 2018, 2:27 PM   #44
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Originally Posted by somanymistakes View Post
I would suggest everyone should get babies paternity tested as babies. Just routine. Helps make sure there wasn't a hospital mixup, helps get any medical problems brought up early on, and prevents there from being a disorienting surprise later. And then, if you are the kind of man who would rather get out right away than raise another man's baby, then you can do that immediately, without first raising and then abandoning the child.
I think that this is a fantastic idea which I would strongly support. But it would never get passed. I could be wrong but I believe you can’t buy a DNA kit in France and New York.

They don’t want to cause trouble for the mother or the kid. It’s much better to have a man conned into investing his love and money in a kid that isn’t his. In their opinion a kid needs a dad and facts don’t matter. It’s primitive to care about biology.

It’s funny how they change their mind when the wrong baby is brought home from the hospital and the woman isn’t the biological mother. That makes worldwide news and the hospital is sued for millions.

Why? If they were consistent you went into the hospital wanting a healthy kid and walked out with one. What’s the problem? Plus suing the hospital would hurt the kids feelings. You sue for damages. You were damaged by going home with that kid instead of your kid?

Last edited by Buckeye2; 4th January 2018 at 2:45 PM..
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Old 6th January 2018, 9:48 AM   #45
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Hi Tkelly, you last posted on New Year's day. Any updates since then? Apparently you seem intent on giving your WW a very long rope but with vague consequences at the end of it. I think your wife has read you very well. You have'nt even asked her to change her job forget about taking more decisive steps to get out of infidelity. Why don't you report the matter to the HR department at her workplace? That should act as a dampener to the both of them. You are behaving like the typical Plan B husband and your WW is going to milk this fact to the fullest extent.

You do not seem to be very perturbed by your WW's infidelity so why should she bother? She has faced NO consequences for her transgressions and that has emboldened her to push the envelope and test your limits. I guess you are some body who will only learn the hard way. Maybe your wife will gift you an incurable STD or another man's child. I agree this is harsh but the reason is to make you sit up and take notice. Do not continue to live in infidelity. Respect yourself and then maybe your wife will respect you. Have'nt you run the mind movies of your wife in bed having wild sex with her OM through your head? If you have it should jolt you into action. Just dwell on that for a moment. Wish you the best going forward.
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