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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 22nd December 2017, 5:51 PM   #16
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Originally Posted by onehalfmunky View Post
10 months ago, I discovered my husband slept with another woman 5 years prior.
Last month, I decided to take my "revenge" by doing what he always assumed I had done.
My conscience is clear.
I'm sure it hurt you when you found out, and I am assuming you have been dealing (or not properly dealing) with some strong emotions. I totally get wanting a revenge affair, but you are letting your emotions do your decision making I think. You may come to realize that your emotions have gotten the better of you, and led you to some bad decision making that you will regret.

He did this 5 years ago. I doubt he is the same person he was 5 years ago. Was he open and honest with you when he told you about it? You should think about forgiving him. People make mistakes, just like you are now.

I don't think your conscience is clear. You wouldn't be here if it was. You need to start talking more to your husband and get in to couples therapy before you get caught cheating, and make this problem 100 times worse.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 7:05 PM   #17
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Originally Posted by onehalfmunky View Post
10 months ago, I discovered my husband slept with another woman 5 years prior. We had problems at that time and he swore he hadn't been unfaithful to me. He chose her for her qualities opposite of mine: big boobs, dark hair, carefree personality. I did feel jilted that he waited as long as he did to fess up.
Last month, I decided to take my "revenge" by doing what he always assumed I had done. He claimed that he did what he did because he thought I was cheating. On the record, I never strayed from our marriage bed, until recently.
I have now, on a few occasions this past month, snuck away in my free time to have casual sex with a co worker friend of mine. We are both married. He isn't getting the sex he wants from his wife. I have infrequent relations with my husband if nearly 10 years. We are satisfying voids unfilled in our home lives. We are good friends and understand each other's situations. There is no love. Neither plans to leave our spouse. We don't go out of our way to rendezvous. Simply, when we can, we do.
My conscience is clear. I have fun with my friend, but love my husband and father of my two children. I do not know if this will continue. I'm not making plans, just going with the flow.



An alcoholic doesn't become one in one day or even two months... you see, although I am not an alcoholic, I don't think they realize they have a problem at first. Because they can compartmentalize what they are doing. That's what you're doing now.

But later... all of the sudden they can't live without the booze... and you won't be able to "live" without the "hit" of affair sex.

It's an addiction. If you can stay non-attached and you can live with the guilt of what you're doing and are prepared to face the consequences, my advice is to keep on keeping on. I'm not being sarcastic. I'm being truthful.

The problem is, you will become attached, addicted and at some point, you have to deal with the consequences and own your actions...

So... I won't advise you the obvious, because I think you already know.

But you are in that "happy" compartmentalization stage where nothing about what you're doing seems wrong and everyone's happy.

I wish you could "hear" my tone, because I'm really not trying to sound snarky or mean. I'm speaking from sad, sad experience of having been there and done that.

The fall out of it all sucks.

^That is an understatement.

It's a horrible roller coaster ride. One I wouldn't wish on anyone.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 7:10 PM   #18
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Originally Posted by onehalfmunky View Post
I made a statement of my situation. I know EA's are not good. Looking to see what ppl have to contribute. Similar stories, etc. I have no specific question. But I think from my description it's fairly obvious concerning my issue...lol, I'm not looking for recommendations on what ice cream to buy tonight.
Too bad. Vanilla with caramel swirls in it...

Read all over this board. The stories are there. You already know the answers you are looking for.

You probably ought to read Autumn Moon's story. She's been in an ongoing affair situation for quite some time now. It seems to be working for her, but it's a very delicate house of cards... no judgment here, I don't think her life is easy at all and until I walk in her shoes, I have no judgment of her choices.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 7:48 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by justbetweenus View Post
He did this 5 years ago. I doubt he is the same person he was 5 years ago. Was he open and honest with you when he told you about it?
The trouble is he spent 4 years and 2 months hiding it from the OP before he confessed 10 months ago.
He was "in control", he led her to believe all was hunky dory for years, now she is the one "in control", now he is in the dark...

Resentment is a common reason people have affairs and tit for tat affairs are not that uncommon either.

The OP needs to consider carefully what she is doing.
Is her somewhat blasé, almost triumphant attitude because she is really not that fussed if her husband finds out, as her revenge is then complete.

The problem with that is that it seems to me, men are often not that "understanding" when it comes to wives cheating.
I am not saying women are either, but women can sometimes tie themselves in knots trying to forgive a cheating husband as she has the kids, financial security and her "nest" to think about, whereas some men will just "walk angrily away" or immediately file for divorce - no forgiveness possible. He was willing to provide for a loyal, loving wife, a cheating wife no.
Not all men but some, she cannot assume because he cheated first he will swallow her cheating, it may not work like that.
She needs to be aware of that.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 7:49 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by deadsoul View Post
Too bad. Vanilla with caramel swirls in it...

Read all over this board. The stories are there. You already know the answers you are looking for.

You probably ought to read Autumn Moon's story. She's been in an ongoing affair situation for quite some time now. It seems to be working for her, but it's a very delicate house of cards... no judgment here, I don't think her life is easy at all and until I walk in her shoes, I have no judgment of her choices.
Autumn is clearly very unhappy and works very hard here to convince the other posters this is working for her. But think about it, how many people who are happy with the affair post here? What would be the point?

Sadly, both aren't being honest with themselves about the situation. I believe OP is really looking to validate what she is doing, just like Autumn.

Revenge affairs sound good in theory. I know I come very close to what was a crush her kind thing with the person she disliked more then anything, who was all ready to go. Then I realized it was me and my kids who would pay the ultimate price. In a moment when logic overruled emotions and I didn't believe hurting my wife would make me feel better. It would only have made it more difficult to bring our kids up together. For all the pain she created for me, it was unintentional, had I gone thru it would have been intentional.

Now, something OP said stands out to me that is she is unsatisfied with sex within the marriage. That's big because that makes this less of a revenge thing and more of an excuse to find sexual satisfaction elsewhere. Not a revenge affair at all, just another run of the mill affair.
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Old 22nd December 2017, 8:14 PM   #21
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Originally Posted by onehalfmunky View Post
I have now, on a few occasions this past month, snuck away in my free time to have casual sex with a co worker friend of mine. We are both married. He isn't getting the sex he wants from his wife. I have infrequent relations with my husband if nearly 10 years. We are satisfying voids unfilled in our home lives. We are good friends and understand each other's situations.
Is your husband aware that he is in an open marriage?

Is your husband aware that he no longer needs to feel guilty about his affair five years ago?
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Old 22nd December 2017, 8:38 PM   #22
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Originally Posted by Buckeye2 View Post
Is your husband aware that he no longer needs to feel guilty about his affair five years ago?
He wasn't in an open marriage then. He still cheated and there was no justification for it at the time
There is no open marriage now either.
The OP is cheating and I guess the jury is out as to whether there may be some justification for it... Hurt angry resentful and a need for revenge...
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Old 22nd December 2017, 8:56 PM   #23
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op,
I don't mean this as as a slight, but I just can't fathom how you could, knowing ow painful it is to be a bs, possibly be a part of potentially causing his wife to go through what you did...especially when you say it's just a casual fling.

I'm worried that should i blow up, you could also be a casualty in this. Is this really who you are?
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Last edited by wmacbride; 22nd December 2017 at 9:00 PM..
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Old 22nd December 2017, 11:16 PM   #24
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OP if this is “purely physical “ as your title says, which I take to be about fulfilling sexual desires, why not just get a vibrator?
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Old 23rd December 2017, 12:06 AM   #25
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My heart breaks for your pain. I think you need to have a face to face with your husband as to the future of your relationship before you slip further down the rabbit hole. Tell him the truth. Yes your getting revenge but girl you can't run away from yourself and it is you that you are hurting in the long run. You can never go back to your innocent self, the mother your children know. Don't do this to yourself, life is just too short.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 1:00 AM   #26
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Wasn't it your husband who had the revenge affair. In your backstory the 2 of you seperated, you connected with, visited and flashed your ex. It sounded like a affair to him, so he went south.

Or did that not count.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 11:49 AM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by onehalfmunky View Post
This was my confessional.
No hi fives needed.
I am more looking for advice. I am in need of guidance. Yes this man is married. No, i don't stick with my husband for $. I make double what my husband does. I know our children love him as much as they love me. We get along well and i don't see sense in ending my marriage now.
In other words I am cheating and don’t want to give hubby alimony in a divorce.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 11:51 AM   #28
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Heartless.
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Old 23rd December 2017, 3:30 PM   #29
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I would bet that if you found out your husband was banging another woman on the side right now, you would be furious and say that he has no justification for cheating on you - even as you are making plans to bang your married lover. Am I right?
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Old 23rd December 2017, 4:48 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
He wasn't in an open marriage then. He still cheated and there was no justification for it at the time

There is no open marriage now either.

The OP is cheating and I guess the jury is out as to whether there may be some justification for it... Hurt angry resentful and a need for revenge...
I understand your point. My point is that if you use your WS's past infidelity as justification for your ongoing (no plans to stop) affair then you have decided to have an open marriage. You just need to notify your spouse.

Last edited by Buckeye2; 23rd December 2017 at 4:51 PM..
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