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Finding out years later and not sure if I should confront


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 3rd December 2017, 6:15 AM   #46
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Even though I would want to know, I make a point of never informing anyone of the affairs that go around at work or my wider social circle (FYI I have never been an OW, I just know of other's affairs).

OP is obviously very trusting. If I had a H that suddenly had to go to the office on Saturdays to finish work, that would be enough of a flag in itself. I would probably make a point of calling him in the office or similar at the very least. The fact that OP didn't notice at all (and I bet there were other subtle signs) makes me think that OP is the type of person that prefers to be kept in the dark. Ignorance is bliss.

So I have to agree that babysitter should have kept her mouth shut. People rarely do things out of the goodness of their own hearts to I wonder what she is hoping to accomplish.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 6:17 AM   #47
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Actually that is not totally correct...

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Originally Posted by dichotomy View Post
If that religion is Christian Based - these two statements make no sense. A very christian man would have asked her to seek forgiveness and express regret - not to punish your husband since SHE was the one who was the aggressor. I can't speak for other religions and their views - so maybe seeking forgiveness is not a part of them.
Actually that is not totally correct...

And it is actually quite understandable. A big part of the Christen doctrine involves asking for forgiveness not only from God, but from the person that you have wronged. Of course if you are going to ask for forgiveness you have to come clean and confess about what you have done.

So, technically, OW's Fiancé was correct. However, it also shows that OWF has no understanding of infidelity and the pain that it can cause the BS.

Having said that, I still believe that in spite of the pain, every BS has the right to know what they are dealing with in their marriage. As painful as it is, she has the right to know what has gone on in her marriage.

So I think that the OW confessing about the affair, is actually a painful kindness that she is providing the BS in this situation.

But, to OP, you simply must confront your husband about his affair. There is no way you can carry that secret on your back and not be unaffected.

Further, you need, by your questioning, to understand what he confesses to in order to understand how many affairs he has had, as horrifying as that possibility may be...
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Old 3rd December 2017, 1:18 PM   #48
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine View Post
Even though I would want to know, I make a point of never informing anyone of the affairs that go around at work or my wider social circle (FYI I have never been an OW, I just know of other's affairs).

OP is obviously very trusting. If I had a H that suddenly had to go to the office on Saturdays to finish work, that would be enough of a flag in itself. I would probably make a point of calling him in the office or similar at the very least. The fact that OP didn't notice at all (and I bet there were other subtle signs) makes me think that OP is the type of person that prefers to be kept in the dark. Ignorance is bliss.

So I have to agree that babysitter should have kept her mouth shut. People rarely do things out of the goodness of their own hearts to I wonder what she is hoping to accomplish.
Just to add to this sub-thread of the discussion, here's an example from reality:

My WH's ex OW ended up with his brother. I know: Blech. Disgusting. But nevermind for now. They lived together some years then decided to marry. Just before they did, she confessed the PA with his brother to her husband-to-be, who then told my husband "that he knew." Evidently NO ONE cared whether I knew, but my point is that, based on some regard or concern they had about the sibling relationship, there was a confession.
[Let's not get into why no one cared about their relationship with me. I'm able to separate out each person's interest, and I simply wasn't one of them. It's too painful and there's absolutely no whitewashing it, so please just leave it.]
I'm just offering a similar example about an agnostic couple, acknowledging a past affair before entering into matrimony. She told her husband-to-be so they could start their wedded life in honesty and openness. The gesture between the brothers was to clear the air for the sake of future family relations. Their actions were FAR and above more noble than my husband's, showed personal integrity and respect for each other most of all and, sadly, more evidence of my husband's lack of same.

It has something to do with religion for the ex-nanny perhaps because religion deals with right and wrong, character and weakness, etc., but questioning her motives on the basis of what a Christian would or would not do begs the question. These are also universal truths that are practiced by non-religious people and, therefore, beyond religion. That makes the impulse to confess and seek forgiveness from another individual credible for characters discussed in both stories.

I think OP should consider all of these similarities with her situation and be grateful that someone had enough compassion and respect for her that the confession was made to her. I think she should especially consider the courage it took for this young woman to take such a step and the fact that her husband did not.

Last edited by merrmeade; 3rd December 2017 at 1:26 PM..
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Old 7th December 2017, 10:09 AM   #49
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Eternal Sunshine View Post
Even though I would want to know, I make a point of never informing anyone of the affairs that go around at work or my wider social circle (FYI I have never been an OW, I just know of other's affairs).

OP is obviously very trusting. If I had a H that suddenly had to go to the office on Saturdays to finish work, that would be enough of a flag in itself. I would probably make a point of calling him in the office or similar at the very least. The fact that OP didn't notice at all (and I bet there were other subtle signs) makes me think that OP is the type of person that prefers to be kept in the dark. Ignorance is bliss.

So I have to agree that babysitter should have kept her mouth shut. People rarely do things out of the goodness of their own hearts to I wonder what she is hoping to accomplish.
Many a OM/OW after an affair have owned their own errors and
have the need to seek amends. Apologizing is a must due on their
list for atonement.

It was what the WS and the AP that did that was wrong.
The AP owned up it is now the WS's turned to seek forgiveness.

Advice from when young and in HS. Never do anything that you
would not want printed in the newspapers. Then you will always
be safe.

So if you had a married couple that you were friends with and
one of them was cheating and you would not tell the BS.

Then that is you enabling and protecting the WS over the BS.
If they had a D day and it came out to the BS that you knew
and did not tell. Upon recovery it would be right for the BS to
have you NC'd out of their lives for your silence betrayed the BS
and their marriage.
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Old 7th December 2017, 10:12 AM   #50
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Quote:
Originally Posted by merrmeade View Post
Just to add to this sub-thread of the discussion, here's an example from reality:

My WH's ex OW ended up with his brother. I know: Blech. Disgusting. But nevermind for now. They lived together some years then decided to marry. Just before they did, she confessed the PA with his brother to her husband-to-be, who then told my husband "that he knew." Evidently NO ONE cared whether I knew, but my point is that, based on some regard or concern they had about the sibling relationship, there was a confession.
[Let's not get into why no one cared about their relationship with me. I'm able to separate out each person's interest, and I simply wasn't one of them. It's too painful and there's absolutely no whitewashing it, so please just leave it.]
I'm just offering a similar example about an agnostic couple, acknowledging a past affair before entering into matrimony. She told her husband-to-be so they could start their wedded life in honesty and openness. The gesture between the brothers was to clear the air for the sake of future family relations. Their actions were FAR and above more noble than my husband's, showed personal integrity and respect for each other most of all and, sadly, more evidence of my husband's lack of same.
So with your WH's OW marrying your BIL how does your
WH, you, maintain NC with the OW?
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Old 7th December 2017, 10:30 AM   #51
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Findingoutyearslater View Post
We've been married for 17 years now, all of them have been good years. I love the life we've built together and I don't want to destroy that for our kids. I don't know if he had some sort of midlife crisis when this happened, he was 41 at the time.
Quote:
Originally Posted by chinadiary View Post
The OP says that they have a good marriage. That she thinks it's the only time.
I'm speaking from experience. The OP thinks that she had a good marriage because her husband was good at deception and lying. If she had the FULL picture of her marriage, then it would not be so "good".

It's too early in the process, but she'll have to accept that her perception of her marriage and husband is not accurate. It is a projection of what she thought it was based on lies and deception perpetuated by her husband.

Also, what type of person can bang the babysitter for 6 months and not be affected by it? What other secrets is he capable of hiding? Plus, it is so cliche but most affairs are.
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Old 7th December 2017, 11:24 AM   #52
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The key issue here is the cheating and his justification for doing it. Before only your unfaithful husband and his immature affair partner knew about it, now you and her new fiance know. You need to confront him otherwise whatever it is that is broken in him that led him to cheat is still alive and well and your relationship will always be at risk. You need to deal with the person that repeatedly had sex with a very young woman, in your home, just feet away from your innocent children. You have no idea what your children may have actually seen or heard over that period of time and are keeping to themselves. Ask him for a written timeline, tell him you will decide your future together after you have read it, don't tell him how much you know so you can judge for yourself his level of honesty.

It is always easier to have another affair, you've already dealt with the demons the first time around. He was going to take the information to his grave by the sounds of it. Talk to a lawyer because you don't know how this is going to turn out or if he's had other affairs. Have a list of your requirements for reconciliation ready. You might include passing a polygraph as one item as well as independent counselling to find out why he allowed it to happen while your children were present. Doing nothing is the worst thing you can do.
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Old 8th December 2017, 4:18 AM   #53
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Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
So with your WH's OW marrying your BIL how does your
WH, you, maintain NC with the OW?
And that question, Mr. road? That question I've avoided asking, much less answering, for the 4 years since I found out—even though the affair was 3 decades earlier.

Part of that is because, on the trickle truth scale, WH's brother's wife is #2 SIL-OW. This makes #1 my brother's wife and D-day, 5 years ago when I found out about her (even though I realize she was actually number 2; and "#2" was the first of the SIL-OWs).

All information that oozed from that constantly dripping diarrhea sandwich after D-day was trickle truth. I would find out something I didn't know and then try to process it, though all the other characters had long ago worked out some truce with the information and their stances toward each other.

The fact is I don't have the same reaction to WH's brother's wife. She's loyal to WH's brother. I don't need NC. WH doesn't need it. Rug-sweeping. My choice.

Oh, and no, I've never talked to her about it.
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Old 8th December 2017, 4:22 AM   #54
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Sorry if that's a t-j. He asked. I answered. I'm unable to be objective about it but hope something in there helps OP or relates to the thread. If nothing else, some of it is cautionary.
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Old 9th December 2017, 9:23 AM   #55
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Actually that is not totally correct...

And it is actually quite understandable. A big part of the Christen doctrine involves asking for forgiveness not only from God, but from the person that you have wronged.

"She isn't asking for or expecting forgiveness..."

Then - Why this ?

At this point I would have hung up the phone because I was dealing with someone who lacked regret for aggressively pursuing my spouse and endangering my marriage. I understand the married one is most at fault but...accountability and regret and forgiveness seeking are hallmarks of the Christian faith - and a decent person.
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Old 11th December 2017, 10:21 AM   #56
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Hi Finding out, you've been given a lot of good advice and it is up to you to take it or leave it. However commonsense dictates that an 'Ostrich burying it's head in the sand' approach is not going to do you or your marriage a favour. You have to have a 'Take the bull by it's horns' approach if you want to get out of an unhealthy situation and NOT let sleeping dogs lie! Read the posts by aliveagain and Merrmeade with extra attention as both of them have encapsulated a world of wisdom based on their own experiences in a compact form which does not do justice to the pain and heartache that they have undergone yo acquire that knowledge. At any rate it is your life and your marriage and you should know best what to do with this unwelcome gift that has been presented to you.

On another note, Merrmeade I wanted to say that as you reveal the little tid bits of your husband's unsavoury and unethical relationship path I think it would be difficult for people not to empathize with you. Apparently life has handed you a rotten lemon so that it has snatched the possibility of your being able to make a lemonade out of it. Quite frankly, kudos to you having stuck it out with him after all his shenanigans. I do not know what your reading choices are because you appear to be a bit nerdy in the way you come across, but if you are interested, I would recommend that you get a copy of the book 'You'll see it when you believe it' by Dr. Wayne Dyer. It may help you clear some ideas about our situation in the human form and what we can do about it. I agree that it may not be your cup of tea so if you can get a copy at your local library and give it a quick browse, it will help you decide whether it is for you or not. There is a metaphysical aspect to it which I think you should know. Warm wishes.

P. S. Sorry for the thread jack.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 11th December 2017 at 10:24 AM..
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