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Finding out years later and not sure if I should confront


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 28th November 2017, 6:29 AM   #31
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If I were in your shoes, I would believe what she's said--she doesn't sound like she has a vindictive agenda, but only a clean honest way to make a fresh start with her fiancé.

Rather, put it this way: she told her fiancé about her indiscretions--that alone should say a lot about what type of person she is NOW. The fact that her fiancé is insisting her coming clean with the truth to you should also tell you what sort of a person she IS to want to marry a man with that kind of strong moral standards. So, I think I would consider her to be trustworthy and remorseful.

Now, if I were in your shoes I would want to know from her how the affair ended. Was it your husband who ended it or was she the one to end it? What were the circumstances during the affair?

As difficult as it may be, I would reach back to her and ask for all details about your husband, especially about things he might have confessed to her.

FYI, I am xOW. There are many things that my xMM confessed to me about that his wife never knew about--including his former indiscretions.

Before you address it to your husband, have *ALL* the truth out first.
And then even when you address it, do not tell him WHO has contacted you--just say that you know about one of his former affairs--let him tell you the truth and you will find out whether or not there were more affairs in his past.

If he is truthful, and this babysitter was his only affair partner, then he will admit that; if there were more, he won't know which one you know about and you are more likely to know about his secrets.

So, whatever you do...
do NOT show all your cards to him.

I am sorry that I'm suggesting that you must play a game at this point with him, but if you don't you may never know the truth--and that will eat you up alive in the long run.
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Old 28th November 2017, 10:46 AM   #32
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The disturbing thing for me is that he managed to do this for six months with a girl they had in their house who was taking care of their kids and never show a thing. I mean, someone must be an experienced cheater to hide this that good. Plus it makes me wonder about his ethics for that matter. He used to be the employer of this girl and probably a lot older than her. What would have happened had she not moved? What happened after she moved? Was she replaced? These are some serious issues.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 3:45 AM   #33
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Well, Gwen Stefani and Maria Shriver sure didn't wait around for second chances...
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Old 2nd December 2017, 4:56 AM   #34
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Thank you all for the advice and support.

I have no reason to believe she's making this up or trying to weasel her way back into our lives. Almost all of her Facebook pictures are with her fiance, including pictures that show proof of their engagement. Some of her posts are her excitement about wedding planning. I'm able to view her fiance's profile and it's the same when it comes to pictures of them together. He also posts a lot of faith-based messages and verses, so I really believe he encouraged her to do the right thing.

I did message her again to ask a few verifying details. She mentioned two specific things about my husband that are only visible if he's naked. She said that she isn't trying to spite me, but it's not fair to me that I'm living in the dark about my marriage. She said it was a mistake, that she was being immature and selfish. They never discussed feelings for each other or talked about being together. It sounds like she's trying to protect him because she said she was always the one to initiate sex. She flirted with him for a few months before it became physical, then that lasted for about six months. They would have sex two or three times a week in our guest room while leaving the kids in the family room to watch TV and play with their toys. There's no way I would know this because I was coming home from work hours later. When she moved away, she never contacted him and he didn't try to reach out to her.

There were a few times when they met on Saturday mornings at her apartment; I do remember him telling me had to go into the office to finish work. He hasn't done that since this affair.

We've been married for 17 years now, all of them have been good years. I love the life we've built together and I don't want to destroy that for our kids. I don't know if he had some sort of midlife crisis when this happened, he was 41 at the time.

I'm terrified to confront him because I don't know what else I'm going to find out. I can't just sweep this under the rug.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 6:30 AM   #35
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The question you need to answer to yourself is, can you continue being with a man who was having sex with a stranger while his kids were in the next room? I'm not even gonna start about the lying, the pretending, the STDs etc.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 6:39 AM   #36
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The question you need to answer to yourself is, can you continue being with a man who was having sex with a stranger while his kids were in the next room? I'm not even gonna start about the lying, the pretending, the STDs etc.


It's a good point. But the OP says that they have a good marriage. That she thinks it's the only time.

Everyone makes mistakes and forgiveness is possible.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:21 AM   #37
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It's a good point. But the OP says that they have a good marriage. That she thinks it's the only time.

Everyone makes mistakes and forgiveness is possible.
How can she know it's one time? She didn't figure out what was happening for 6 months. How can she be sure she didn't figure out another 6 months, or 2 years or ...?

In my opinion a mistake doesn't last for 6 months. Once, twice may be a mistake. 6 months is a decision.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 8:38 AM   #38
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Originally Posted by Findingoutyearslater View Post
Thank you all for the advice and support.

I have no reason to believe she's making this up or trying to weasel her way back into our lives. Almost all of her Facebook pictures are with her fiance, including pictures that show proof of their engagement. Some of her posts are her excitement about wedding planning. I'm able to view her fiance's profile and it's the same when it comes to pictures of them together. He also posts a lot of faith-based messages and verses, so I really believe he encouraged her to do the right thing.

I did message her again to ask a few verifying details. She mentioned two specific things about my husband that are only visible if he's naked. She said that she isn't trying to spite me, but it's not fair to me that I'm living in the dark about my marriage. She said it was a mistake, that she was being immature and selfish. They never discussed feelings for each other or talked about being together. It sounds like she's trying to protect him because she said she was always the one to initiate sex. She flirted with him for a few months before it became physical, then that lasted for about six months. They would have sex two or three times a week in our guest room while leaving the kids in the family room to watch TV and play with their toys. There's no way I would know this because I was coming home from work hours later. When she moved away, she never contacted him and he didn't try to reach out to her.

There were a few times when they met on Saturday mornings at her apartment; I do remember him telling me had to go into the office to finish work. He hasn't done that since this affair.

We've been married for 17 years now, all of them have been good years. I love the life we've built together and I don't want to destroy that for our kids. I don't know if he had some sort of midlife crisis when this happened, he was 41 at the time.

I'm terrified to confront him because I don't know what else I'm going to find out. I can't just sweep this under the rug.
Confronting him about this doesn't mean you have to destroy your kids' lives, or even your marriage for that matter. You can choose to forgive him, but you shouldn't carry the weight of this on your shoulders because you did nothing wrong.

Who initiated what doesn't matter at all; he's still equally as guilty as she is. She's just the only one owning up to it an apologizing to you for it.

What's the babysitting situation like in your family now? Do your kids still need/have a babysitter?

Does your husband work from home?
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Old 2nd December 2017, 2:01 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by CautiouslyOptimistic View Post
Confronting him about this doesn't mean you have to destroy your kids' lives, or even your marriage for that matter. You can choose to forgive him, but you shouldn't carry the weight of this on your shoulders because you did nothing wrong.

Who initiated what doesn't matter at all; he's still equally as guilty as she is. She's just the only one owning up to it an apologizing to you for it.

What's the babysitting situation like in your family now? Do your kids still need/have a babysitter?

Does your husband work from home?
Yes, but it won't and shouldn't be easy - ESPECIALLY FOR HIM.

The long and the short of it is that you only get beyond it and are able to forgive if you BOTH deal with the whole of it. You must absorb, react to and communicate to him the full spectrum of thoughts and feelings this discovery creates - especially important for you. He must absorb your reactions and take full ownership of the utter selfishness of his actions - exploiting his young employee and betraying his wife and family - not only the shame but the pain of causing you pain.

All of that is necessary before you can even think about forgiveness and not destroying the family, etc. Right now, you must put yourself first or it will eat at you till the day you die.
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Old 2nd December 2017, 2:28 PM   #40
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In simple words :


He cheated and went away with it. What a lucky fellow!
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Old 2nd December 2017, 4:45 PM   #41
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Originally Posted by Findingoutyearslater View Post
Thank you all for the advice and support.

I have no reason to believe she's making this up or trying to weasel her way back into our lives. Almost all of her Facebook pictures are with her fiance, including pictures that show proof of their engagement. Some of her posts are her excitement about wedding planning. I'm able to view her fiance's profile and it's the same when it comes to pictures of them together. He also posts a lot of faith-based messages and verses, so I really believe he encouraged her to do the right thing.

I did message her again to ask a few verifying details. She mentioned two specific things about my husband that are only visible if he's naked. She said that she isn't trying to spite me, but it's not fair to me that I'm living in the dark about my marriage. She said it was a mistake, that she was being immature and selfish. They never discussed feelings for each other or talked about being together. It sounds like she's trying to protect him because she said she was always the one to initiate sex. She flirted with him for a few months before it became physical, then that lasted for about six months. They would have sex two or three times a week in our guest room while leaving the kids in the family room to watch TV and play with their toys. There's no way I would know this because I was coming home from work hours later. When she moved away, she never contacted him and he didn't try to reach out to her.

There were a few times when they met on Saturday mornings at her apartment; I do remember him telling me had to go into the office to finish work. He hasn't done that since this affair.

We've been married for 17 years now, all of them have been good years. I love the life we've built together and I don't want to destroy that for our kids. I don't know if he had some sort of midlife crisis when this happened, he was 41 at the time.

I'm terrified to confront him because I don't know what else I'm going to find out. I can't just sweep this under the rug.

What have you decided to do? It doesn't seem like something you can just keep quiet about. Personally, I'd wish the babysitter just kept her mouth shut. If your relationship has been good except for that, I'd rather be kept in the dark. (I know this statement can start a whole argument on its own and I want to make it known that what is done is done, but she should've just kept her mouth shut. That's my opinion and it's okay if people disagree with it.)

I would be terrified as well, but now there's only one way to find out.

Good luck. Please keep us posted.
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Old 3rd December 2017, 2:54 AM   #42
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Her reason for confessing now is she's engaged to a very religious man and he wants her to do the right thing by telling me. She said there are no excuses or acceptable reasons for why it happened, but that she's older now and learned from her actions She did admit to being the aggressor and initiating sex.

Her fiance thinks I shouldn't have to live a lie. She isn't asking for or expecting forgiveness, only that she wants me to know. .
If that religion is Christian Based - these two statements make no sense. A very christian man would have asked her to seek forgiveness and express regret - not to punish your husband since SHE was the one who was the aggressor. I can't speak for other religions and their views - so maybe seeking forgiveness is not a part of them.

But yes you need to confront your husband.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 3rd December 2017 at 2:56 AM..
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Old 3rd December 2017, 4:34 AM   #43
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Breaking down what is known

Op this is a situation that needs a lot of thought. You know this woman, why do you think she waited till now? What do we know for sure? Is she really in a good honesty based relationship? Have you met her partner / fiance ? Do we even think a fiance would be interested in this alleged affair? Would she even tell someone she wanted to spend the rest of her life with about her past? Could she be living a miserable life and having issues with the alleged partner? Could she see your life as perfect and be envious and simply want to disrupt it?
Why not approach your husband rather than "confront him" : certainly there needs to be some clarity and you deserve to understand if anything did take place. Problem is unless you get closure quickly you will be playing in your mind what you think could have happened and this will eat at you and your relationship. And as you already say life is good, you have an enviable life do you want to lose it disrupt it and bring grief upon you and the rest of the family.

The crucial thing Is to find out if it did or did not happen, then to rationalise if you can get beyond the hurt if it did, ask for total honesty as to wether this was the only "cheating" if it did and only you can decide if you want to save your marriage and way of life.

Some here will suggest deeper investigations and that is useful but it has to be swift otherwise it will eat at your very being and never speak to this woman again even if you find out she was lying, resist the urge to come down to her level.

Finally good luck I hope you get some peace in the end
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Old 3rd December 2017, 5:40 AM   #44
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Personally, I'd wish the babysitter just kept her mouth shut.
And me.

This was cruel and unnecessary as there are kids involved here.
Adults sometimes just need to swallow their own guilt and not mess up other innocent lives.
Why did she even tell her fiancé?
What was the point?
It is 7 years ago and I guess she learnt her lesson, and if she is so pious she won't want to repeat her mistake, so why does it all need re-aired now?
Go to a confessional, thrash it out with a friend or a therapist, journal it... whatever it takes but this was not fair on the OP and her kids.

OWs often feel "in competition" with the wife and maybe that is it.
She left, he didn't follow and she now wants to get some revenge on his wife...
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Old 3rd December 2017, 5:51 AM   #45
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And me.

This was cruel and unnecessary as there are kids involved here.
Adults sometimes just need to swallow their own guilt and not mess up other innocent lives.
Why did she even tell her fiancé?
What was the point?
It is 7 years ago and I guess she learnt her lesson, and if she is so pious she won't want to repeat her mistake, so why does it all need re-aired now?
Go to a confessional, thrash it out with a friend or a therapist, journal it... whatever it takes but this was not fair on the OP and her kids.

OWs often feel "in competition" with the wife and maybe that is it.
She left, he didn't follow and she now wants to get some revenge on his wife...
I rarely disagree with You but now I do disagree strongly. From the OW's point of view I understand she wants to start a new life with her future H based on the total truth and she has every right to do so. The OP's H is not innocent and he knew or should have known that the truth may some day be revealed. If the OW felt her life with her future H would be better after confessing to the OP, then she had every right to do so. When you commit a "crime" with another person you should alway expect that this person may reveal the truth one day. Had the OP's H not cheated to his W none of this would have happened. So I find it unfair to blame the OW for revealing after 7 years. She can of course be blamed for getting involved in an affair with a married man and doing this next room of where his kids were while she was supposed to be working. But that's about it in my opinion. The OP's H made his W vulnerable to many things when creating an affair and he should face the consequences which his W will choose what they will be.
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