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Finding out years later and not sure if I should confront


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 27th November 2017, 5:57 PM   #16
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Personally I don't know why or how you could just sit on this information. I would jump my husband as soon as he walked through the door but that's just me. It's important to note how he could carry on like that under your nose and you not suspect a thing. Was this his first affair?
A couple years ago my sister found out, from my ex, that her husband had hit on me twice several years ago, and literally the first thing she did when she saw him next (which was about an hour later) was confront him about it. This isn't the sort of thing most wives just let go!!
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Old 27th November 2017, 6:02 PM   #17
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Never reveal your sources.
I agree with this. Have the conversation but save your messages with the babysitter until its all out. Then you'll know if hes hones about it or tries to lie about something.
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Old 27th November 2017, 6:29 PM   #18
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I think you should not confront, keep your powder dry.
Go into investigative mode instead, if you can hire a PI do so, but otherwise keep your eyes and ears open. Plenty info on this site as to how to expose a cheater.
I doubt that sleeping with the babysitter was a one off.

The first rule of cheating is to deny deny deny and if you go in there guns a blazing about this affair then you will have no hope of finding out what is really going on in the here and now and he will try to minimise and gas light you over that old affair too.
Once confronted, if he is still cheating, he will then go underground and cover his tracks.
YOU have the advantage of the element of surprise here do not prematurely alert him.
Even guys who are caught red handed with great evidence can deny deny deny, so much so that the accuser feels that he must be innocent...

Be prepared.
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Old 27th November 2017, 8:11 PM   #19
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A former babysitter messaged me on Facebook to confess that she had an affair with my husband seven years ago; she said it lasted for six months before she moved away. Her reason for confessing now is she's engaged to a very religious man and he wants her to do the right thing by telling me. She said there are no excuses or acceptable reasons for why it happened, but that she's older now and learned from her actions. She said she got swept up by my husband's personality and she really admired how good he was with our kids. She liked that he talked to her like a friend and not someone who worked for us. She did admit to being the aggressor and initiating sex.

Her fiance thinks I shouldn't have to live a lie. She isn't asking for or expecting forgiveness, only that she wants me to know. There's no chance she will be involved in our lives again. She lived in our area for college and then moved closer to home after graduation, several hours away. We kept in contact through Facebook messages for about a year after she left, but that became increasingly infrequent and then we stopped communicating altogether. She did say she never talked to or saw my husband again after she moved away.

I didn't respond to her, I don't know what to say. I know she wouldn't make this up, but I never got the sense that anything was going on between her and my husband. It's hard to remember that long ago, but I really don't recall anything strange about his behavior at the time. He's never been distant or tried to pull away from me or the kids.

I haven't confronted him and I don't know if I should; for now, it just feels surreal and I can mostly deal with it. My husband knows something's off, but I've been blaming it on work stress.
Good god. I can't imagine what you are going through. The first knee jerk reaction I am having is what a cruel bitch and her fiance. Did they not put down their little bible and stop to think what sort of effect their actions are going to have on someone elses life?!!! WTF is wrong with them!!
Noproblem and grays like this.
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Old 27th November 2017, 8:21 PM   #20
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Investigate? After seven years there isn't much to be found. Heck after a year I found absolutely nothing about my wife's affair expect what she so very cleverly wanted me to find if I ever found anything.

It's a good idea for you to take a wide picture of what your opinions are just in case, for every scenario. Keep in mind, it is possible that the lady is not being honest with you.
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Old 27th November 2017, 8:22 PM   #21
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Sorry you are in this position. You need to talk with him and go from there.

I would print off what the girl sent you and give it to him. Then leave the room for him to read it and find you afterwards.

It’s your choice of what to do, but I couldn’t stay with my wife if she did the same to me.
I think this is good advice. Perhaps look at it this way, if your marriage was based on honestly between each other up until now, then try to be honest about this as well.

Tell him what you found and and from whom and tell him how you feel. Try to first to the bottom of whether there is really something about your husband that he has been hiding for a long time. Such as whether his is a serial cheater and sleeps with other women. Than based on that info and this that was revealed to you, make your decision of what you will do about it. You can take it to heart and leave him or you can decide fo forgive him. Both are perfectly valid options. They are your choice and decisions to make. If he is a serial cheater, probably good to leave him.
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Old 27th November 2017, 8:57 PM   #22
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Good god. I can't imagine what you are going through. The first knee jerk reaction I am having is what a cruel bitch and her fiance. Did they not put down their little bible and stop to think what sort of effect their actions are going to have on someone elses life?!!! WTF is wrong with them!!
Id be glad she did, had it been my marriage.

Id rather know now, years later, than go on several years or decades more, not knowing my hubby is likely still running around on me.
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Old 27th November 2017, 8:59 PM   #23
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Never reveal your sources.
Agree with this. He will lie, and you need a way to verify it with her without giving her up.

Just tell him you know because someone else knows and told you. He'll think it was a neighbor or something. Let him. who knows what other secrets may blurt out.

Or you can do what I did. WHen I found out about one, I told her I knew about BOTH of her affairs in detail.

It was a bluff, but she bought it and fessed up to both.
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Old 27th November 2017, 9:02 PM   #24
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Or you can do what I did. WHen I found out about one, I told her I knew about BOTH of her affairs in detail.

It was a bluff, but she bought it and fessed up to both.
That's awesome. (Sorry you were put in that position though..)
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Old 27th November 2017, 11:49 PM   #25
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Yes, you deserve and will need compassion and support without judgment or condition. I hope you can find a friend or relative to give you that.

I speak from a similar experience, having discovered my husband's infidelity even more years later than this. At first, it feels unconnected to your life. You don't share the memory and you're not prepared to deal with it—where to store it, how to think and feel about it, or what to do about it—so you feel nothing. You think. But that will change. You'll start thinking about what you were doing at the same time. More important, you'll realize that your knowledge of the past is wrong, and you'll want to correct your memories. You'll want more information.

And it will occur to you more than once that it's not fair that he had no consequences.
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Old 27th November 2017, 11:57 PM   #26
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If she gives him all of the information she has, she will have no way of assessing whether his response is honest. In essence, she will be giving all control over the situation to her husband.
Not true. She still has all of the control. She is the one to decide if they remain married to one another. This is no time to play games.
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Old 27th November 2017, 11:58 PM   #27
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Not true. She still has all of the control. She is the one to decide if they remain married to one another. This is no time to play games.
I would tend to agree except it seems he already is...
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Old 28th November 2017, 12:04 AM   #28
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OP knows her husband has cheated.

What is there to investigate? This happened years ago.

I would understand investigating if she thought her husband was cheating but this is not the case.

Confront quietly and keep your poise. If you want time to think things through, have him leave. At the very least send him to sleep in another room.
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Old 28th November 2017, 5:00 AM   #29
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I'm sorry you're in this position. I've been there, unfortunately. I found out that I had been lied to for 13 years by my ex (right to my face, nonetheless) about the details of a drunken tryst. The whole truth, if I actually did get it, was much worse than what I had been led to believe. I had to react rather than confront, which made it much harder for me to properly assess the situation.

I would say you definitely need to confront, but do it in a way that works for YOU. This is about you and your needs now. You have the power in this situation. Just be prepared to hear some difficult things. Doing this will help you keep your cool.

I hope you have a strong support system that you can lean on. If not, know that you have one here, and that you're not alone in this situation. Again, I'm really sorry to hear this happened to you.
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Old 28th November 2017, 5:05 AM   #30
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She needs to find out if he is still cheating which he may be, that is what she needs to investigate.
Of course if she is just going to divorce over this revelation then she need not bother, but if she is going to "forgive", then she needs to at least find out if he is still cheating on her as he may well be.
He got away with a 6 month affair with the babysitter, with no repercussions whatsoever.
Most cheaters it seems to me only modify their behaviour if the consequences are dire, with no consequences they just continue.
She had absolutely NO IDEA he was cheating on her in the past, I guess she has NO IDEA if he is cheating on her now.

She needs to investigate BEFORE he takes everything underground, which he will if she voices her suspicions.
She needs a level playing field if she is going to stay in this marriage and make a go of it.
NO point in going through all the motions to forgive a past indiscretion if present indiscretions are ongoing...

However if she is just going to go lalalala with her fingers in her ears and bury her head in the sand, then no need to investigate anything, confront him, swallow his lies, make up lots of excuses for him, and carry on...
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