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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 26th November 2017, 12:17 PM   #16
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Dday today. I'm in too much pain to continue like this. I'm going to confront her with everything I have, (which is quite a bit), and tell her if she doesn't come clean I'm leaving for good. I'm going to need to know who she's had sex with, who's she's made out with, everything for the past 35 years. I expect a lot of yelling, screaming, cursing, and denials. I imagine I'll be spending tonight in a hotel. Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated.
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Old 26th November 2017, 1:54 PM   #17
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Why do you need a hotel as a back up when she is the one cheating??

I'd recommend talking to a lawyer and seeing what your options are before confronting your wife. Especially if you think it's going to get ugly. Also talk to a lawyer before leaving the home. In some places that can be used against you in a divorce if you stay outside the marital home too long or move out.

You should have everything in place before confronting so you're ready for whatever is throne at you.

Don't just confront because you have proof and then react based on how she does. Be ready for anything.

Good luck.
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Old 26th November 2017, 1:55 PM   #18
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Dday today. I'm in too much pain to continue like this. I'm going to confront her with everything I have, (which is quite a bit), and tell her if she doesn't come clean I'm leaving for good. I'm going to need to know who she's had sex with, who's she's made out with, everything for the past 35 years. I expect a lot of yelling, screaming, cursing, and denials. I imagine I'll be spending tonight in a hotel. Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated.
I'm sorry you're suffering so much and I do, do understand, but unfortunately you may not get the satisfaction you so desperately need with the ultimatum. Think about it. The problem with this threat is that she is still in control of the information and how much she gives out. It is the rare and sincerely remorseful WS who fully confesses when confronted. My observation is that, if they don't do it freely and fully the first time around, a future of trickle truth is guaranteed if the BS is willing to put up with it.

And realize something else. She is much better at hiding, obfuscating and straight out lying than you are at detective work, so how on earth are you supposed to just 'know' that she's "come clean"? She knows better how to play you than you know how to work information out of her.

I recommend having a strategy and pseudo-script in place. Personally I see nothing wrong with getting her drunk first since that's a proven truth serum for her and it worked for you before. Only thing is you'll REALLY get the "yelling, screaming, cursing, and denials" if you do it that way but so the hell what? She stands on NO ethical high ground and can hardly justify rebuttal, much less an abusive one.

That's not nearly enough of a plan but will get you started.
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Old 26th November 2017, 2:17 PM   #19
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Did I understand this right - she took your daughter to the bar when she hooked up with the OM? So, daughter knows everything and chose to enable her mom and keep you in the dark? The cheating gene runs deep on the female side of the family if this is right... Forget about the house. Why put money into it if it's just gonna get split in the divorce, and brother, that is what you need to do. Divorce her ASAP. Let wifey and her mommy trash talk you all they want after the divorce, and after you have rebuilt your life without these evil people in it.
This. OP, It's sickening the way cheating is encouraged among the women in your family. Your daughter has also been taught that cheating is fine and that's a sign of very deep dysfunction.

My mother and I are not close but we both agree that cheating is gross.

You need to leave your wife. She doesn't deserve you. Let her carry on with as many men as she wants without you in the picture.
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Old 26th November 2017, 2:23 PM   #20
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I take it back. Getting her drunk is probably a terrible idea and could be used against you. Too bad though.

That means you simply must have your ducks in a row. One of the ducks is a lawyer. Other ducks will include the irrefutable evidence you've gathered.
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Old 26th November 2017, 2:46 PM   #21
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Dday today. I'm in too much pain to continue like this. I'm going to confront her with everything I have, (which is quite a bit), and tell her if she doesn't come clean I'm leaving for good. I'm going to need to know who she's had sex with, who's she's made out with, everything for the past 35 years. I expect a lot of yelling, screaming, cursing, and denials. I imagine I'll be spending tonight in a hotel. Any thoughts or opinions are appreciated.
Don’t leave your home.

Spare bedroom for her or she leaves.

Don’t leave your house.
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Old 26th November 2017, 2:47 PM   #22
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If she gets violent then you call the police at once.

Don’t give her a chance to have you thrown out by them.
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Old 26th November 2017, 2:58 PM   #23
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Never leave your home. Ever!!!!

She should move out not you.

I would move her out of your bedroom
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Old 26th November 2017, 4:20 PM   #24
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Your wife goes to bars and gets drunk and your wife is in her 50s and disrespects you big time…She has replaced and rejected you with her OM in every way.


Spend your time and energy building yourself up emotionally, spiritually, and financially…If you do not get yourself stronger emotionally you will compromise because you cannot take the pain….The closer you get to self-sufficiency the more your life will be contented and happy.


Your goal is to get into the position that you can live without her and replace her with other activities and other people…Do not compromise building yourself up by being involved with trying to figure out your wife, hoping that she will change 180 degrees, and trying to get her to “PICK ME”


YOU are the only ones that cares about you and you are the one that can change things!
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Old 26th November 2017, 4:41 PM   #25
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At some point, OP, someone (not I) will tell you about the "180" method for stealing back the confidence and power WS stole from you. When explained and executed in a timely, effective manner, it empowers the BS and releases you from the grip of discovery paralysis. You'll begin to heal, get things done and ultimately be free, whatever the state of the marriage. Another result is it will make WS realize what an idiot she's been - but at that point you won't care.
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Old 26th November 2017, 11:48 PM   #26
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Hi Merrmeade, you just did what you said you wouldn't do, suggest the 180 to the OP. In any case it is good you did because that is his only path to recover his self respect. In his place I would just ambush the wife with filing for divorce after getting my so called ducks in a row. If he thinks he has enough evidence then the OP does not need yo confront his wife and get into a lot of drama. Unless of course he still has hopes of reconciling with his WW. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes.
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Old 27th November 2017, 3:13 AM   #27
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Hi Merrmeade, you just did what you said you wouldn't do, suggest the 180 to the OP. In any case it is good you did because that is his only path to recover his self respect. In his place I would just ambush the wife with filing for divorce after getting my so called ducks in a row. If he thinks he has enough evidence then the OP does not need yo confront his wife and get into a lot of drama. Unless of course he still has hopes of reconciling with his WW. Just some thoughts. Warm wishes.
Yes, I did suggest the 180 but that is far from being a useful explanation of HOW to do it. It's easy enough to explain the theory behind it, quite another to tel someone how to do it.
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Old 28th November 2017, 1:57 PM   #28
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There's a lot of twists and turns going on, I'll keep your posted. But what do you mean by 180?
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Old 28th November 2017, 2:12 PM   #29
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180 is a plan to detach. It is a path of allowing you to separate yourself from her and any other toxic people in your life. There are some really good web sites on it. Just google 180 and infidelity in the same search.

Good for you for taking a stand. I am not good at the long game on these things too. I would rather be single than someone even have a EA.

Keep a var on you and document everything you can.

C
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Old 28th November 2017, 2:14 PM   #30
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Oh and one more thing. Never threaten to leave or divorce unless your really going to follow through with it. Once you show a cheater you will cave they will play you every chance they can get.

I would also tell her you don't trust anything she says so if she wants this to work out a poly will be in the near future.
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