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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 24th November 2017, 6:56 PM   #1
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Wow Can't Believe I'm Posting But Here Goes

Been married 35 years, 2 grown daughters, W and I have had our ups and downs like most married couples do, but for the most part its been a very good 35 years. I love her. She has a successful real estate career and I travel for my job, out at least 10-12 nights a month. We both attended the same college and we have a friend/my frat brother who has tried to stay in contact with us, (mostly her), over the years.

He would text and call her, but I didn't have a problem with it. Then about 2years ago, we all got together at our lake house. That's when the fun started. During the entire time we were there, my W flirted with him and belittled me in front of him. Lots of comments from her that were really embarrassing to me, but they both had a good laugh. Afterwards I told her how much I didn't appreciate the whole deal. I was pretty upset and told her in no uncertain terms we would not be hanging around this guy any more. She apologized and agreed.

Then,around Labor Day of this year, she gets drunk and starts telling me againwhat a great guy he is, etc. One thing about W, she does not have a filter when she's drinking. I got really pissed, got her phone when she was sleeping and found some FB messages between him and her that truly shocked me. Seems about a year ago he was planning a business trip to our town and they were messaging back and forth planning to meet up at a local bar.

This was on FB Messenger:

Him:"Wow he is almost never home, I think you need a boyfriend."
Her:"LOL"
Her 2 hours later "YA THINK?"
Him:Thumbs up sign
Her: next day) Can't wait to see you!!!!

I will say my daughter, (we’re not speaking now), went with W to the bar along with some of his friends. They both knew I would be extremely upset, but met up with him and his buddies anyway. I believe W and him met up at least one other time from looking at the texts on the phone bill.
WhenI read the messages, I blew up, said some really awful things. Since then we've had more blowups, however I had been doing better until a couple of nights ago.

We have been planning to have some work done on our house both inside and outside. We got 3 estimates, one being from a very handsome younger guy. Well guess who the W wants to hire, especially for the "inside"work. She had been drinking again, (remember no filter) and she pretty much begs me to hire this guy, until she realizes what she is saying. I didn’t blow up this time, but I think she could tell I was upset. Now I'm in another downward spiral, I guess you would call it a trigger.

On top of everything, W has told family and friends, and now I’m this horrible person who needs psychiatric help. (Maybe I do). Funny, I brought up the situation up to my MIL, told her I found some inappropriate texts between W and another guy and she basically tells me: “Well my daughter is a beautiful woman and she will have guys contacting her from time to time.” LOL.
Ijust have a gut feeling my wife has had an affair, and plans to have more,especially with younger men.

So many feelings of hurt, despair, inadequacy, etc. I really am a mess.
Anycomments are appreciated.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 24th November 2017 at 10:55 PM.. Reason: spacing
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Old 24th November 2017, 7:09 PM   #2
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Just posting to say that I'm not ignoring you. Your post has formatting issues making it hard to read - have alerted the moderators so that they can clean it up
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Old 24th November 2017, 7:28 PM   #3
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Has your wife always been this way? Her texts alone were disrespectful to you. And her having stayed in contact with him after you made your feelings about his and her behavior during the lake weekend known is also disrespectful.

Sounds as if she may need consequences to her behavior rather than just words.

In your place I believe I'd put a hold on having work done to your house and take some time to address your issues with your marriage. Seems as though having words with her about her behavior may have done little.

Although I can understand how unsettling and upsetting this would be, imo, it's very important to be calm but firm with your wife in dealing with this.

Schedule time to sit down calmly, explain to her why you're stopping the home improvement project, and talk with her about the issues the two of you are facing in your marriage rather than just triggering and fighting about it.

She needs to understand she can't continue to behave this way while staying married to you.
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Old 24th November 2017, 7:37 PM   #4
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If the roles were reversed would your wife be acting so accepting and forgiving as you? Nobody and I means nobody respects a doormat. You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes on how she disrespects you and your marriage.

If you don't respect yourself then who will?
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Old 24th November 2017, 7:48 PM   #5
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She met up and had sex. So what are you gonna do about it?

If the OM is married send the text messages to his wife.

You wife and MIL are probably a lot alike.

See an attorney to find out your rights or continue to live like you are.

Sounds likes she gonna do what she pleases.
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Old 24th November 2017, 7:50 PM   #6
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dazedandconfused05 View Post
Been married 35 years, 2 grown daughters, W and I have had our ups and downs like most married couples do, but for the most part its been a very good 35 years. I love her. She has a successful real estate career and I travel for my job, out at least 10-12 nights a month. We both attended the same college and we have a friend/my frat brother who has tried to stay in contact with us, (mostly her), over the years. He would text and call her, but I didn't have a problem with it. Then about 2years ago, we all got together at our lake house. That's when the fun started. During the entire time we were there, my W flirted with him and belittled me in front of him. Lots of comments from her that were really embarrassing to me, but they both had a good laugh. Afterwards I told her how much I didn't appreciate the whole deal. I was pretty upset and told her in no uncertain terms we would not be hanging around this guy any more. She apologized and agreed.
Then,around Labor Day of this year, she gets drunk and starts telling me againwhat a great guy he is, etc. One thing about W, she does not have a filter when she's drinking. I got really pissed, got her phone when she was sleeping and found some FB messages between him and her that truly shocked me. Seems about a year ago he was planning a business trip to our town and they were messaging back and forth planning to meet up at a local bar. This was on FB Messenger:
Him:"Wow he is almost never home, I think you need a boyfriend."
Her:"LOL"
Her 2 hours later "YA THINK?"
Him:Thumbs up sign
Her: next day) Can't wait to see you!!!!
I will say my daughter, (we’re not speaking now), went with W to the bar along with some of his friends. They both knew I would be extremely upset, but met up with him and his buddies anyway. I believe W and him met up at least one other time from looking at the texts on the phone bill.
WhenI read the messages, I blew up, said some really awful things. Since then we've had more blowups, however I had been doing better until a couple of nights ago.

Better as in you've accepted she's a cheater and you're willing to live with it?

We have been planning to have some work done on our house both inside and outside. We got 3 estimates, one being from a very handsome younger guy. Well guess who the W wants to hire, especially for the "inside"work. She had been drinking again, (remember no filter) and she pretty much begs me to hire this guy, until she realizes what she is saying. I didn’t blow up this time, but I think she could tell I was upset. Now I'm in another downward spiral, I guess you would call it a trigger.
On top of everything, W has told family and friends, and now I’m this horrible person who needs psychiatric help. (Maybe I do). Funny, I brought up the situation up to my MIL, told her I found some inappropriate texts between W and another guy and she basically tells me: “Well my daughter is a beautiful woman and she will have guys contacting her from time to time.” LOL.
Ijust have a gut feeling my wife has had an affair, and plans to have more,especially with younger men. So many feelings of hurt, despair, inadequacy, etc. I really am a mess.
Anycomments are appreciated.
Your life is entirely up to you.
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Old 24th November 2017, 10:43 PM   #7
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Did I understand this right - she took your daughter to the bar when she hooked up with the OM? So, daughter knows everything and chose to enable her mom and keep you in the dark? The cheating gene runs deep on the female side of the family if this is right... Forget about the house. Why put money into it if it's just gonna get split in the divorce, and brother, that is what you need to do. Divorce her ASAP. Let wifey and her mommy trash talk you all they want after the divorce, and after you have rebuilt your life without these evil people in it.
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Old 25th November 2017, 9:17 AM   #8
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Did an actual hookup happen, or did she take the daughter along because she was just going to the bar to flirt with the guy who gives her attention?
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Old 25th November 2017, 10:05 AM   #9
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Sounds like you don't know everything your wife is up to while you travel. Real estate is one of the professions with the highest risk of infidelity. Might be time for you to install a VAR(voice activated recorder)in her car. You may want to have a one on one with your daughter, take her out for lunch, find out what she really thinks about your relationship with your wife. I think it's time you stopped travelling 10 days out of every month, decide what's more important to you, your job or your family.
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Old 25th November 2017, 10:06 AM   #10
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dazedandconfused05 View Post
Been married 35 years, 2 grown daughters, W and I have had our ups and downs like most married couples do, but for the most part its been a very good 35 years. I love her. She has a successful real estate career and I travel for my job, out at least 10-12 nights a month. We both attended the same college and we have a friend/my frat brother who has tried to stay in contact with us, (mostly her), over the years.

He would text and call her, but I didn't have a problem with it. Then about 2years ago, we all got together at our lake house. That's when the fun started. During the entire time we were there, my W flirted with him and belittled me in front of him. Lots of comments from her that were really embarrassing to me, but they both had a good laugh. Afterwards I told her how much I didn't appreciate the whole deal. I was pretty upset and told her in no uncertain terms we would not be hanging around this guy any more. She apologized and agreed.

Then,around Labor Day of this year, she gets drunk and starts telling me againwhat a great guy he is, etc. One thing about W, she does not have a filter when she's drinking. I got really pissed, got her phone when she was sleeping and found some FB messages between him and her that truly shocked me. Seems about a year ago he was planning a business trip to our town and they were messaging back and forth planning to meet up at a local bar.

This was on FB Messenger:

Him:"Wow he is almost never home, I think you need a boyfriend."
Her:"LOL"
Her 2 hours later "YA THINK?"
Him:Thumbs up sign
Her: next day) Can't wait to see you!!!!

I will say my daughter, (we’re not speaking now), went with W to the bar along with some of his friends. They both knew I would be extremely upset, but met up with him and his buddies anyway. I believe W and him met up at least one other time from looking at the texts on the phone bill.
WhenI read the messages, I blew up, said some really awful things. Since then we've had more blowups, however I had been doing better until a couple of nights ago.

We have been planning to have some work done on our house both inside and outside. We got 3 estimates, one being from a very handsome younger guy. Well guess who the W wants to hire, especially for the "inside"work. She had been drinking again, (remember no filter) and she pretty much begs me to hire this guy, until she realizes what she is saying. I didn’t blow up this time, but I think she could tell I was upset. Now I'm in another downward spiral, I guess you would call it a trigger.

On top of everything, W has told family and friends, and now I’m this horrible person who needs psychiatric help. (Maybe I do). Funny, I brought up the situation up to my MIL, told her I found some inappropriate texts between W and another guy and she basically tells me: “Well my daughter is a beautiful woman and she will have guys contacting her from time to time.” LOL.
Ijust have a gut feeling my wife has had an affair, and plans to have more,especially with younger men.

So many feelings of hurt, despair, inadequacy, etc. I really am a mess.
Anycomments are appreciated.
File for divorce.

Your wife won't even think about modifying her behavior unless she sees some actual consequence. and that consequence begins with you showing her that life won't be so carefree anymore.


She probably has been dong this a lot longer than you think. Women don't out of the blue decide to have affairs(which your wife has had I am afraid) without playing the mating dance with this twerp.

Sorry, but to entertain anything other than the nuclear option and file for divorce will do nothing to save your marriage.
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If they keep stabbing you in the back, then quit handing them the knife.
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Old 25th November 2017, 11:27 AM   #11
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Thanks for all comments. Regarding my daughter and the meet up, I think daughter was there for cover. The bar is fairly close to my home, so if they saw somebody W or me know, W would have an excuse. W and OM could have met alone afterwards, don't know. That's the thing, I don't have concrete evidence of an PA, although EA is for sure, probably more than just him. The lack of evidence of an PA is what's been holding me back. I've done the VAR thing, the GPS thing, (Find A Friend on IPhone is actually a very good tool.) But since my first outburst in September, she has kept a very low profile. To be honest with you all, I thought you all were a little harsh, but the more I think about it, the more your comments make sense. I have been a big pussy through all of this. Dday is coming, but I'm going to do research first. Put all the ducks in a row and it ain't going to be pretty. I'll keep you posted. Again thank you all so much. My mood is more determined now than depressed.
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Old 25th November 2017, 5:03 PM   #12
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Stand up

Quote:
Originally Posted by Dazedandconfused05 View Post
Been married 35 years, 2 grown daughters, W and I have had our ups and downs like most married couples do, but for the most part its been a very good 35 years. I love her. She has a successful real estate career and I travel for my job, out at least 10-12 nights a month. We both attended the same college and we have a friend/my frat brother who has tried to stay in contact with us, (mostly her), over the years.

He would text and call her, but I didn't have a problem with it. Then about 2years ago, we all got together at our lake house. That's when the fun started. During the entire time we were there, my W flirted with him and belittled me in front of him. Lots of comments from her that were really embarrassing to me, but they both had a good laugh. Afterwards I told her how much I didn't appreciate the whole deal. I was pretty upset and told her in no uncertain terms we would not be hanging around this guy any more. She apologized and agreed.

Then,around Labor Day of this year, she gets drunk and starts telling me againwhat a great guy he is, etc. One thing about W, she does not have a filter when she's drinking. I got really pissed, got her phone when she was sleeping and found some FB messages between him and her that truly shocked me. Seems about a year ago he was planning a business trip to our town and they were messaging back and forth planning to meet up at a local bar.

This was on FB Messenger:

Him:"Wow he is almost never home, I think you need a boyfriend."
Her:"LOL"
Her 2 hours later "YA THINK?"
Him:Thumbs up sign
Her: next day) Can't wait to see you!!!!

I will say my daughter, (we’re not speaking now), went with W to the bar along with some of his friends. They both knew I would be extremely upset, but met up with him and his buddies anyway. I believe W and him met up at least one other time from looking at the texts on the phone bill.
WhenI read the messages, I blew up, said some really awful things. Since then we've had more blowups, however I had been doing better until a couple of nights ago.

We have been planning to have some work done on our house both inside and outside. We got 3 estimates, one being from a very handsome younger guy. Well guess who the W wants to hire, especially for the "inside"work. She had been drinking again, (remember no filter) and she pretty much begs me to hire this guy, until she realizes what she is saying. I didn’t blow up this time, but I think she could tell I was upset. Now I'm in another downward spiral, I guess you would call it a trigger.

On top of everything, W has told family and friends, and now I’m this horrible person who needs psychiatric help. (Maybe I do). Funny, I brought up the situation up to my MIL, told her I found some inappropriate texts between W and another guy and she basically tells me: “Well my daughter is a beautiful woman and she will have guys contacting her from time to time.” LOL.
Ijust have a gut feeling my wife has had an affair, and plans to have more,especially with younger men.

So many feelings of hurt, despair, inadequacy, etc. I really am a mess.
Anycomments are appreciated.
Where this goes is entirely up to you. Not her. Your ability to stand up for your self will force action on her part. You will have to be firm and resolute Anything else will be just talk. I would quietly gather evidence and once proof of affair is happening, file for divorce. You have a wife who has no respect for boundaries, you or consequences, so you will have to take DRASTIC action to curb her behavior. Establish hard boundaries first and give her an opportunity to get her **** right. If she fails (I fully expect this to happen) file for divorce and do not contact her for weeks. I know it's hard, but if you want to be happy, you will have to do hard work. If she loves you and wants to be with you, she will take very proactive work to completely turn her disrespect for you and your marriage around. If she doesn't, that means she doesn't respect and love you so you might as well separate/divorce and move on.

Last edited by Colin Grant; 25th November 2017 at 5:13 PM..
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Old 25th November 2017, 10:44 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Dazedandconfused05 View Post
Thanks for all comments. Regarding my daughter and the meet up, I think daughter was there for cover. The bar is fairly close to my home, so if they saw somebody W or me know, W would have an excuse. W and OM could have met alone afterwards, don't know. That's the thing, I don't have concrete evidence of an PA, although EA is for sure, probably more than just him. The lack of evidence of an PA is what's been holding me back. I've done the VAR thing, the GPS thing, (Find A Friend on IPhone is actually a very good tool.) But since my first outburst in September, she has kept a very low profile. To be honest with you all, I thought you all were a little harsh, but the more I think about it, the more your comments make sense. I have been a big pussy through all of this. Dday is coming, but I'm going to do research first. Put all the ducks in a row and it ain't going to be pretty. I'll keep you posted. Again thank you all so much. My mood is more determined now than depressed.
Nope, being strung along and lied to is harsh. The truth is to give you clarity and wake you up. Some would rather stay in limbo so as not yo have to make decisions to take needed actions.

Most never catch them in the act or even get a smoking gun. It doesn't alter what's happened or happening.

I hope you've fully awakened to where you are
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Old 26th November 2017, 9:39 AM   #14
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Have you confronted the frat friend?
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Old 26th November 2017, 12:07 PM   #15
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Oh yeah I confronted him. He knows that if I ever see him again, we will have a "man to man" discussion.
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