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Welp, not new to this, but finally decided to say something.


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 23rd November 2017, 11:40 AM   #16
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OP, have you ever posted anywhere else?
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Old 23rd November 2017, 12:37 PM   #17
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This thing you think you two will have.... it won't be like that. You'd be signing up for a lifetime of triggers, suspicions, feigned trust, mind movies, and unanswered questions that will either haunt you, or make you nauseous.

What you want is what you THOUGHT you had the first time. She sailed that ship right into an iceberg bro.

Maybe she's different now. Maybe not. But let the next guy find out. Not you.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 5:02 PM   #18
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Thank you all so much for taking your time to respond. I must admit I was more desperate than I thought to read objective and subjective input. I'd like to respond to everyone who took the time to offer their wisdom.

Quote:
Originally Posted by Bryanp View Post
How do you think she would have acted if the roles were reversed?
She showed you how little she respected you and your marriage and had
no problem putting your health at risk for STD's.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

I wish you luck.
This really got to me while reading it (don't know if I was triggered?). You're certainly right. When this whole mess was happening, I was sh*** scared for my health. I never asked or knew if she was using protection. But judging by the so many threads that I've read, it's highly unlikely. And yes, I'm questioning if it's worth any of the disrespect thrown back at my face. I don't think I came to grips with the gravity of it until now. Thank you.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 5:14 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by S2B View Post
I vote no based on my own experience.

There's so many people in the world that would never cheat - she's not one of them!

I forgave the love of my life (and we had it ALL) at the ten years married mark. He vowed he had changed - would never do that to me and the kids ever again.

Another ten years passed... and yep, he cheated again! He just couldn't help himself.

I was his everything...yet he didn't have it in him to resist a gal who stroked his big ego.

And I kept my promise - I divorced him without any conversation (short of don't come home - I know you spent the weekend with your girlfriend).

12 years later and he still wishes he was still married to me. He's married again too, and I'm certain he's not faithful to her either.

Peace of mind has no dollar value - I no longer have the one person who vowed to love and honor me betraying me.


I hope you understand what I'm saying. I'm in my fifties and still 12 years later I still don't trust many men - some have earned my trust but it's not easy.

I am a catch. I love deeply. I am free from the torment he put me through.

Why would you want to take a chance on someone who stomped all over you? Don't do it! She had her chance and she gave you plenty of evidence she's not to be trusted. It would be difficult to ever respect her again.

Date worthy women - surely there's many that would treat you right.

Do more work on yourself to find out why you think going backwards is an option. Keep moving forward!

Fwiw - I love myself too much to allow anyone to treat me unkindly... you should too.
Your post stood out to me, S2B. Seeing it from someone's experience really puts things in a different light. I thought about a future where I'd worry about this happening to me all the time. My heart goes out to you. You're a strong woman and I appreciate every sentiment. Yes, I understand exactly what you're saying. You've given me a lot to think about. I don't think I could ever stand the fact that I could be cheated on again by the same person I chose to stay with. It would kill me, to be honest.

I don't love myself as much as I used to anymore. It's like I can't trust myself or anyone else. The lying and manipulation really did a number on me (I'm still feeling the effects today). But I'm trying to improve step-by-step to become better from it. If it's not with her, it shouldn't bother me.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 5:28 PM   #20
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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Hi Far, your story is at once, heart wrenching and also uplifting. I would say that you handled everything masterfully and whatever you are feeling now is a natural consequence of having loved someone deeply. Reconciliation is always possible and you will come across many threads here where this has happened successfully. One of the classic cases is that of Mrs. John Adams and her husband. However, the story of DKT3 and living DKT3 is also an excellent example.

I would suggest you read the thread of Deepremorse to get a perspective of someone on the other side of a situation like yours. This lady's husband is someone with iron clad emotions and has given her little hope of any reconciliation happening in the future and yet she soldiers on. I remember reading an account on LS of a gentleman who was in the military and posted abroad whose Fiancee was having a merry time in his absence. When he finally was released from the service and was working as a civilian back in the country, she still could not resist the temptation and cheated on him with someone from her office. Luckily for him he found out about her shenanigans before the actual wedding and called it off. The woman had a complete melt down and then begged and pleaded with him to give her another chance. At the last count, he relented enough to have occasional coffee dates with her but I do not think he ever got back with her. I do not know if you have much of your wife's history before you ever dated her but her behaviour then could give you an inkling about her personality and whether she is forever broken or can be and has been fixed now that she has got the shock of her life. She is 37 years old so there is no excuse for immaturity on her part. I would say, give it time between you two and definitely date other girls so that you know what is out there. As they say 'Don't carry all your eggs in one basket'! Warm wishes.
Thank you for your kind words, Just a Guy. I appreciate them more than you'll ever know. You have also given me food for thought and I'll take everything into consideration. Yes, I'm quite familiar with DKT3 and lovinDKT3's story. In fact, it was a large reason why I hadn't outright rejected my ex's advances. I swear that loveshack has some of the most helpful information I have ever come by concerning infidelity through people's experiences. I'm not sure I know the military one. I'll be sure to look it up.

My ex is quite introverted. Even when I met her she was always somewhat guarded and hard to understand at first. I don't know if I should give any details without her permission but she was abused by her father (that's all I'll say there). She has had deep self-esteem issues ever since she was 12.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 5:40 PM   #21
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First, let me tell you that your story has touched me deeply. It's the interesting story, and mainly the special taleted way you wrote it.

I think that the "NO" choice, isn't 100%. There aren't enough facts and analyzing intelligence to figure out which decision to take in a reasonable amount of certaincy. When you're convinced with that, you'll be able to stop analyzing and thinking about it. Any path you go, it's 50% right and 50% wrong.

So, after you eliminate the "thinking" tool, you're left only with the "feeling" one. What do you want to do? How do you feel about it. I didn't ask "what are you're afraid of", but "what is your desire?"

After figuring this out, do it! :-) And to hell with everything. Life is too short for too much thinking...

If you still don't know, I would try dating first... to have sex with other women, and maybe more than sex... Then watch how determine is your ex to go back together with you, and how determine are your to get back together with her.

You might loose her for ever when she sees that you have moved on, but hey... What have you got to lose?
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Old 23rd November 2017, 5:44 PM   #22
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Quote:
Originally Posted by darkbloom View Post
As an OW, I don't have much perspective on your marriage but I can tell you my view from the other side.

The lies and mental gymnastics that the WS has to do in order to maintain the affair is exhausting. My MM never talked negatively about his W but just from his tone and the the things he said to me I knew he had zero respect for her. He might have loved her, but he didn't much care about respecting her or her feelings. That told me that their M was never going to last.


You may always love her, but you deserve someone that respects you. Her sitting you down and gaslighting you about how you need to share your feelings and not hide stuff from her while she's lying to your face is the most disrespectful thing. You deserve more than that. Is she only sorry she got caught? She didn't confess any of this or ask for forgiveness. I would stay far away from someone so selfish.
Hmmm... you've been to the Dark Side. Lol! Just kidding. Thank you very much, darkbloom! It's very helpful hearing from someone who's actually been there and seen this sh*** happening firsthand. I don't even know much about OM (aside from the fact that he's no longer working anywhere near my ex). Still, this is really helpful stuff to understand what my ex's mindset might have been. Oh, yes, I know all about how little respect (if at all) ex had for me. I've experienced the selfishness for myself. I'm well aware what a complete *ahem* she is for doing this to me. I'm pretty sure that in the beginning, she was sorry that she was caught. After the divorce, I'm not quite sure because I don't see her much. She has never asked for forgiveness. She has told me she would never ask for it because it has to be something I want to give out of my own volition. I do forgive her (need to tell her that, don't I?). She has told me that she will never forgive herself (her problem, really).

May I ask what gaslighting is?
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Old 23rd November 2017, 5:46 PM   #23
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It's hard to let go. FOO issues run very deep.

The thing is. The capability for her to cheat again is there. Make no mistake.

Ask yourself this question. Knowing what you know now. Would you marry her again?

Why?/ Why not? Make a list of pros/cons.

You've used your head for the most part. IMO a good thing. Hearts can betray you.

Infidelity scars. It'll always be there to some extent.

Sorry you had this happen.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 6:00 PM   #24
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Quote:
Originally Posted by WesternCiv View Post
I am going to stick my neck out since this is my first post, but your story struck a chord with me. I come from a very close knit family of five siblings and I helped my youngest sister through a very similar situation with her former H, now current H. They were married while he was in the Navy. After his tour of duty she learned that he had cheated while overseas and divorced him quickly, without any attempt. After she relocated to the Midwest, he followed and pursued her. He was persistent. She gave him a chance, they talked, went out for coffee, went to a movie, over the course of many months she confided she believed he had changed. Eighteen months after their divorce they remarried, and they have now have two sons and are enjoying the marriage with no further infidelity issues. My sister confided that she is glad she followed her instincts.

The accepted wisdom is once a cheater always a cheater, and that the trust issues will be too much to overcome. But every situation is different. You have been put through an emotional ringer. What do your instincts tell you about her changes? You describe that she has gone to great lengths to change for the better. Are they for real? Do you care? You acted decisively once you found out about her affair but you must have lingering questions. You are in a strong position being divorced with no children. Of course letting her in opens you up to being vulnerable to more pain, but you also could gain a lot more if she is sincere and you still have feelings for her. I would at least spend some time talking to her, have coffee, go for a jog, whatever suits you. If it all strikes you as not right or genuine cut it off. But itís amazing what you can learn by talking and listening in a non confrontational manner. Either way you may feel better in the long run to know that you at least gave her the chance to talk. I just wanted to post to say I have personally seen an unfaithful spouse change and grow after the divorce and become a great husband and father.
Thanks, WesternCiv! This is great stuff. You are an awesome sibling to help your sister out when she needed it the most. My ex maybe pursuing me for a relationship, but I doubt she'd go that far. That's some real determination right there.

I don't run by the rule of once a cheater, always a cheater if they've done things to change their behaviour. It's the ones that do absolutely nothing that irk me... What has changed about her? She is more emotionally open and affectionate than when we were married. Trust me, this is a big thing from her previous cold and guarded self. But I'm not naive to believe something I see in sparse instances. Ex and I do text more than we see each other. Maybe a good face-to-face is overdue, to clear everything up?
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Old 23rd November 2017, 6:03 PM   #25
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Originally Posted by oldlion View Post
I actually know of a couple of marriages that worked out after a divorce and remarriage. If you want to try again with her then do so. It's your life and you can live it the way you want. If you do decide to try again then protect yourself with an iron clad prenuptial agreement. That way the only thing you are in danger of losing is your time. If it works out, then great. If not, you walk away with what you came in with. People can change. I seen many do so. I once knew a sergeant (I was career military) who thrived on danger and combat. He would make the statement, "I'm staying in the Army as long as they keep making guns and killing people." He ended up falling in love with and marring a Bible believing Christian woman who turned his whole world around. He became a totally 100% different man. It is only natural to be leery of the person who cheated on you. Maybe even live with her a couple of years before you even consider marriage. Weigh your pros and cons. It's your life. Live it the way you want. I do wish you well.
Thank you. I'll take it into consideration.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 6:08 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Steen719 View Post
Unfortunately, this was my experience as well. 8 years in, XH cheated. I stayed, same thing - never would he do it again. 13 years later and after I had cared for him through illness and transplant surgery AND handled the financial affairs for our family, he did it again. I divorced him.

He admitted that while he was with new gf, as they were having some problems and deciding whether to stay together or not, he was looking at other women on line and she discovered it. I say admitted, but he didn't seem particularly bothered by it.

Do I think he regrets breaking up his family and losing all that we did? Yes. Has he said so? Yes. Would I trust him again. Emphatically, no.

He cheated on me when things were good and then he cheated on me when things were stressful. What's left? I'm not sure I believe once a cheater, always a cheater, but I do think there are people out there who do not do it the first time. Think about how much it takes to lie to your spouses face, gaslight them and actually blame them for your issues.

Anyway, that is my 2 cents. Best of luck to you. Give yourself time to get over this and you will find some happiness in your future.
Thank you, Steen719. I'm definitely taking what you and S2B have stated to heart. I find experience holds more solidity. I'm very sorry that happened to you. You have my deepest empathy.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 6:13 PM   #27
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Quote:
Originally Posted by road View Post
Many people have done this with the same results. I think the
odds are in your favor because your WW has done the work
to make herself a better person.

Though I would not do so without a pre nup and maybe not
even marry her just move back together for a long, long time,
if never to marry.

Move slow, as if you just met. Go on dates and see how things
work.
Thanks, road. A prenuptial never even entered my mind. I've noted it down.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 6:25 PM   #28
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Originally Posted by aliveagain View Post
If you can live with the fact that she gave what you held so precious to another man so easily. What are you getting back, will it feel like some else's leftovers? Like road has already stated, don't even think about it without a brutal prenuptial in place giving you almost everything if there is a new infidelity. Her word meant nothing then whats different now?
Thank you, aliveagain, for your two cents. I have a deep respect for and your efforts on these forums. You summed up her betrayal perfectly. I don't think it will feel like someone's leftovers, though. To be fair, our marriage had run its course. It's done. If (by some chance) we did attempt another relationship, it wouldn't feel right for me to see it that way. But maybe that's exactly what it is? I've taken note of the prenuptial (is it that brutal?). I completely agree that her words are meaningless--told her as much, too.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 6:33 PM   #29
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Originally Posted by GoldenR View Post
OP, have you ever posted anywhere else?
GoldenR, no, I have never posted anywhere else. I was nervous about posting here so I had been lurking around since August. IC Advised me to post here so I can speak to people who have experience in infidelity and get a better perspective of what I want in the future. I wasn't sure it was a good idea because I didn't want people I know finding out and relaying it to my ex. But after some time and ex's persistent "let's try again" hints, I felt like I needed this. This is also the first time I've ever written my story out and it felt good to let it all out in the open.
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Old 23rd November 2017, 6:39 PM   #30
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Originally Posted by TrustedthenBusted View Post
This thing you think you two will have.... it won't be like that. You'd be signing up for a lifetime of triggers, suspicions, feigned trust, mind movies, and unanswered questions that will either haunt you, or make you nauseous.

What you want is what you THOUGHT you had the first time. She sailed that ship right into an iceberg bro.

Maybe she's different now. Maybe not. But let the next guy find out. Not you.
Thanks, TrustedthenBusted. I guess I didn't want to hear that cause it made downtrodden, but I needed to see reality and this makes so much sense. I will definitely keep this in mind. I'm starting to believe it's better for everyone involved if we did start seeing other people.
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