Jump to content

Do I owe the single man an explanation?


jolinb

Recommended Posts

Please, please, try your best to limit harsh words, I have debated for months before I have the encourage to post this. What I'm asking for is you give me the strength to really stop this affair.

 

I will not look for excuses for myself. I have been in this affair and it is all my fault despite the fact of an unhappy marriage. I have been in this on and off affair for almost a year now.

 

When my mental statement was at its lowest, I met this single guy and started the affair. In my heart, I know a relationship based on lies can never work out, so, I'm not really looking for a future with him. I think I'm just in this feeling of being excited.

 

I cannot say that he loves me even though he claims he does. My husband, on the other hand, doesn't make me happy. In fact, throughout 6 years of marriage, I've been always feeling lonely. I want to divorce him, but I just don't have the encourage to change my life.

 

I wish I could describe more about this single man, however, my mind is like a huge mess when I think of him. He tells me all the things that I like to hear. I know I'm in the fog and I ignore all the negative things about him. I pick every small flaw that my husband has, but ignore this single man's. I know how dumb it is.

 

This guy doesn't treat me like I matter everyday. He texts me when he feels lonely. I have blocked him and stopped replying to him, but he always found a way to reconnected. And I gave in pretty quickly. I am really sick of the way how he treats me, he apologize whenever I act upset. And he tells me how he wants me to be his wife. He tells me I could move in to his house. I don't know his personal life much since he doesn't share his life much with me. All he has been giving me is his emotion. And I buy it! I really hate this circle.

 

When I found out I was pregnant with my husband's baby. I told him and I thought he would just stop talking to me, it would be a bittersweet feeling for me if he did. Because deep inside, I don't want to feel like a dirtybag, sneaking around while being married and now pregnant! I really really hate myself being this character. But, not only did he accept this fact, he also said he wanted to be there through my pregnancy.

 

The pregnancy was an accident. I mean I love this growing baby in my body. And I want to change for the baby. Sometimes I think this baby is a warning for me to stop the affair.

 

About the affair, he and I don't meet much. Probably once 2 months, at the most. He's really into emotional texting. I love it but also hate it. I feel like I'm feeding this addition and at the same time lowing his steak...It is very easy for him to just picks up his phone, sitting on couch and sends couple emotional messages. I think it fees his ego.

 

After I got pregnant, my husband has been taking me to the OB and has spent a lot of money on health care. Which makes me think more clearly. I started looking at him from a different perspective. He's not perfect, and he doesn't really make me happy the way I want. However, he's been working hard for this family. I have had everything I want in life. I have an easy life because of his hard work. I appreciate and I feel very guilty. But I don't have the encourage to tell him about the affair.

 

BTW, I have had STD tests and all results came out negative.

 

Compare to what the other man has done for me (all the time, he says he would do anything for me, but he didn't even remember my birthday.), this other guy really has done nothing for me. And I'm foolish enough to keep falling for him. Keep opening the door for him every time when he wants to rekindle.

 

I'm here to repent. Please tell me how wrong I am. Please help me to realize more clearly what this other man is doing to me...

Edited by jolinb
Link to post
Share on other sites

Welcome.

 

Considering that people tend to do things for a reason, what is your reason for continuing contact with this other man? You have identified many reasons why he is not a great influence in your life, but something must keep bringing you back. What is that?

 

And what, do you think is the thing that is missing most in your marriage? Have you ever been for individual counselling or marriage counselling with your husband?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Are you having a sexual affair with the OM? If so then how do you know it's your husband's baby?

 

I think you need to accept some responsibility for your situation. You complain about your husband and you complain about your OM. What about your flaws? How about taking a look in the mirror and working on yourself instead of blaming everyone else for not doing enough to make you happy.

 

Your OM sounds like a player. You are not the only woman he is messing with, he's probably got at least a couple of other women on the go. But realistically why should he be loyal to you? You are married and having sex with your husband so the OM would be a fool to spend his days pining for you.

 

I know you won't tell your husband but you should. He deserves to know the truth of his marriage and to be allowed to make his own decisions based on the truth. You are playing a cruel trick on him. He's the schmuck who is going to spend his life supporting you and a child that might not even be his while you complain about about him and cheat on him. Yeah you will cheat on him again and again because you blame him for your unhappiness and you have no respect for him.

 

Is this the kind of sick and toxic environment you want to bring a baby into? If not then you need to clean house. Tell your husband the truth. He will either want to repair the marriage or he will want to divorce. You will be better off either way because anything is better then living in a marriage full of deceit and unhappiness. If this is your husbands baby then he will have to help you support the child even if he leaves so don't feel like you have to stay married just to use him for financial support. If it's the OM's baby then the OM will have to pay child support.

 

If your husband chooses to stay then counselling is a must. You have to stop wasting your life and your husbands life in an unhappy marriage. Either you and your husband make the marriage better or you divorce. Staying unhappily married just to cheat and deceive should not be an option. Your baby deserves better than that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

You say your husband really doesn't make you happy but you say he has worked hard and given you everything you have in life. Yet, you say the OM doesn't treat you well but you are pinning for him? Why? What is he giving you that your husband isn't? If you are in love with the OM why don't you divorce your husband and move in with him?

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
Bittersweetie

I agree with anika...you need to take a look in the mirror. When I had my A, I placed blame everywhere: my H, my life, anywhere but on myself. And that is where the true blame lies...I was/you are the only person who made this choice. Why? Please think about this question. Is it an easy question with easy answers? No. But it's a question that needs to be answered.

 

I did all this hard work on myself before I had a baby. And I'm so glad I did. Having a baby changes everything, and is challenging even if one has no issues. Please look at working with a counselor to work on yourself before the baby is born so that you can be the strongest and healthiest mom you can be for your baby.

  • Like 2
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Welcome.

 

Considering that people tend to do things for a reason, what is your reason for continuing contact with this other man? You have identified many reasons why he is not a great influence in your life, but something must keep bringing you back. What is that?

 

And what, do you think is the thing that is missing most in your marriage? Have you ever been for individual counselling or marriage counselling with your husband?

 

Thank you for making me think of this. I never really think carefully about these. I've been replying to his texts blindly. It's like an addiction.

He's usually slow pace, but when I pull back, he reacts. He would tell me he worries about losing me, he "just wants to be there in my life", and how he wants me to be his wife and makes me happy.

 

His words are what I've been missing in my marriage. I hate to compare, but every caring word (manipulative or not) the OM says, fills what I miss from my husband. I know this cannot be the reason for me to cheat, but it's like an addiction. Especially when my husband and I have arguments, I would immediately text the OM for comfort...This helps me in a short time, but it's gradually destroying my chance of fixing the marriage, because it is so easy to vent to the OM than working on the real problem.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Are you having a sexual affair with the OM? If so then how do you know it's your husband's baby?

 

I think you need to accept some responsibility for your situation. You complain about your husband and you complain about your OM. What about your flaws? How about taking a look in the mirror and working on yourself instead of blaming everyone else for not doing enough to make you happy.

 

Your OM sounds like a player. You are not the only woman he is messing with, he's probably got at least a couple of other women on the go. But realistically why should he be loyal to you? You are married and having sex with your husband so the OM would be a fool to spend his days pining for you.

 

I know you won't tell your husband but you should. He deserves to know the truth of his marriage and to be allowed to make his own decisions based on the truth. You are playing a cruel trick on him. He's the schmuck who is going to spend his life supporting you and a child that might not even be his while you complain about about him and cheat on him. Yeah you will cheat on him again and again because you blame him for your unhappiness and you have no respect for him.

 

Is this the kind of sick and toxic environment you want to bring a baby into? If not then you need to clean house. Tell your husband the truth. He will either want to repair the marriage or he will want to divorce. You will be better off either way because anything is better then living in a marriage full of deceit and unhappiness. If this is your husbands baby then he will have to help you support the child even if he leaves so don't feel like you have to stay married just to use him for financial support. If it's the OM's baby then the OM will have to pay child support.

 

If your husband chooses to stay then counselling is a must. You have to stop wasting your life and your husbands life in an unhappy marriage. Either you and your husband make the marriage better or you divorce. Staying unhappily married just to cheat and deceive should not be an option. Your baby deserves better than that.

 

Thank you. I did have sex with the OM, but I'm sure the baby is my husband's because I hadn't had sex with the OM months before I got pregnant, and my husband and I knew that I was going to get pregnant after intercourse.

 

My situation is more like an emotional affair, we text each other for months before setting up a meeting. Nevertheless, it's not to be excused.

 

I get your point: my flaw. My flaw is selfish and not knowing what is right or wrong. Like an immature child whose behaviors considered stupid. I try to tell my story to myself like others' story and see what I would say about it. Apparently, if it was somebody else's story, I would scorn and tell that to end is the only way. Therefore, I'm so weak too!! I want to end it, but I keep thinking of how good it feels when I have the OM there to talk to. I doubt I love him even though I have told him many times that I did. I might be considered being manipulative in some ways if he had told the story to people. It's true that I contact him the most when I feel low and bored. Although sometimes, I feel sorry for him because he's wasting his time on me (if he really only has me as he claims.)

Link to post
Share on other sites
CautiouslyOptimistic

 

When I found out I was pregnant with my husband's baby. I told him and I thought he would just stop talking to me, it would be a bittersweet feeling for me if he did. Because deep inside, I don't want to feel like a dirtybag, sneaking around while being married and now pregnant! I really really hate myself being this character. But, not only did he accept this fact, he also said he wanted to be there through my pregnancy.

 

Of course he does. No STDs (per you), no chance of pregnancy, no condoms! Win win for him!

 

You know what you need to do....and once this baby comes, you'll be so busy you probably won't be able to, or even want to, communicate with this man who doesn't even value you.

 

Focus on your marriage, on all of the good qualities your husband has, your new baby, and forget about the other dude. You have a LOT at stake here.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

Block the OM and go NC. Focus on your marriage and the pregnancy.

 

The baby coming is a reason to evaluate thingd and discuss the kind of marriage you want and the type of relationship you want your child to see as they grow up.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
You say your husband really doesn't make you happy but you say he has worked hard and given you everything you have in life. Yet, you say the OM doesn't treat you well but you are pinning for him? Why? What is he giving you that your husband isn't? If you are in love with the OM why don't you divorce your husband and move in with him?

 

I don't think I'm in love with the OM, I cannot call it love. It's infatuation.

But it's none of either of them's problem. It is all mine.

 

I keep opening the door for the OM. I keep ignoring the good things my husband does for me.

 

Right now, I just want to start NC and get inside my mind. I want to stop it.

 

I have blocked him a couple of times, but he always found a way to reconnect - and that made me feel good!

 

Lately, I have started to focus on the good things about my marriage, and the guilt and shame started killing me. I'm afraid to face the extremely low emotional statement when the OM and I are not in touch forever; I know it is the only right thing to do and I'm willing to do it. I want to be a good person again by ending the affair.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

So, I’ve been reading a lot of posts these days, and I’ve really decided to put everything in an end. I want to fix my marriage. I’m not planning on confession, but I’m willing to put all my efforts on my marriage.

As usual, the single man has texted when I pulled back a bit. This time, I replied to him very rational. I didn’t really want to reply to him, but I felt sorry for him because he always replied to me very quickly...

Couple times after I acted “cooled down,” he’s reduced his texts and feels awkward on my side: on one hand, I want to tell him that I want to end and focus on my family, that I don’t want to be a cheater, that I would work on my marriage, either good or bad, I don’t want to have anything with him when I’m still in the marriage because it disgrace myself as well disrespect him; however on the other hand, I feel like it would be too emotional and he might say some sweet words and pull me back...that had happened before.

Shall I just go cold like this? But I’m a person who wants to take the responsibility to figure things out and not hurt anybody...

Link to post
Share on other sites

I think you send him a text that says "I won't be able to contact you anymore. I've decided to focus on my marriage. I wish you well." And leave it at that. You should be clear, firm, and decisive.

 

If you really are firm in your decision, nothing he can say will sway you...

 

Know this, sending that text will close that door for you and allow you to move forward and commit to your husband. If you don't text him, you are (subconsciously) leaving that door open... a plan B in case things don't go well with your marriage. You can't do that. Either you and all in, or you are out of your marriage.

 

Good for you! Best decision you could make. I wish you well.

  • Like 6
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think you send him a text that says "I won't be able to contact you anymore. I've decided to focus on my marriage. I wish you well." And leave it at that. You should be clear, firm, and decisive.

 

If you really are firm in your decision, nothing he can say will sway you...

 

Know this, sending that text will close that door for you and allow you to move forward and commit to your husband. If you don't text him, you are (subconsciously) leaving that door open... a plan B in case things don't go well with your marriage. You can't do that. Either you and all in, or you are out of your marriage.

 

Good for you! Best decision you could make. I wish you well.

Bailey, thank you. I’ll take your advice, I think it is a very good way.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites

I think it is great that you've made a decision, one way or the other.

 

Ghosting is never a good idea, so I agree with BaileyB. It may hurt the OM, but at least you will have respected that you went there with him and that he has feelings and that the affair is now finished. I agree that it firmly closes the door for both of you. No take-backs, though, as they are highly likely in the beginning stages of no contact.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I think it is great that you've made a decision, one way or the other.

 

Ghosting is never a good idea, so I agree with BaileyB. It may hurt the OM, but at least you will have respected that you went there with him and that he has feelings and that the affair is now finished. I agree that it firmly closes the door for both of you. No take-backs, though, as they are highly likely in the beginning stages of no contact.

Thank you Vivir, throughout this one year, I’ve been feeling hurt, guilty (for my marriage and family), and shame. I also feel bad for the OM. I know the further the affair goes, the worse aftermath. But the hard part is actually send that message and know that there will not be him there anymore... Please forgive me for saying that, we all are humans and at some point the affair really made us feel good, happy, and even fulfilled. We all believe or feel that the AP is who we are sharing deep emotions with. It’s going to be like a piece of my soul missing, in that unreal world...

Link to post
Share on other sites

Seen it from both sides and in both cases I said goodbye in person. To me that respected the validity of the association and the person involved. It was also a matter of self-respect and creating a clear and unambiguous end. No regrets for doing it that way, though many years have passed and it's mostly distant memories.

  • Like 4
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
Seen it from both sides and in both cases I said goodbye in person. To me that respected the validity of the association and the person involved. It was also a matter of self-respect and creating a clear and unambiguous end. No regrets for doing it that way, though many years have passed and it's mostly distant memories.

 

Thank you carhill.

He and I met couple days before last Christmas, and now the new holiday season is here and it made it hard for me to tell him that the affair is over.

 

This morning he texted me and we chatted a little bit. I missed him so much, but I refrained myself from telling him these words.

 

He asked me what plans I have for Thanksgiving, I told him the truth that my husband's family is traveling to my city to eat dinner together. He told me that he would have to work on that day and had bought turkey to cook for himself after work. It just hurt my heart to think how alone he is.

Link to post
Share on other sites
So, I’ve been reading a lot of posts these days, and I’ve really decided to put everything in an end. I want to fix my marriage. I’m not planning on confession, but I’m willing to put all my efforts on my marriage.

As usual, the single man has texted when I pulled back a bit. This time, I replied to him very rational. I didn’t really want to reply to him, but I felt sorry for him because he always replied to me very quickly...

Couple times after I acted “cooled down,” he’s reduced his texts and feels awkward on my side: on one hand, I want to tell him that I want to end and focus on my family, that I don’t want to be a cheater, that I would work on my marriage, either good or bad, I don’t want to have anything with him when I’m still in the marriage because it disgrace myself as well disrespect him; however on the other hand, I feel like it would be too emotional and he might say some sweet words and pull me back...that had happened before.

Shall I just go cold like this? But I’m a person who wants to take the responsibility to figure things out and not hurt anybody...

I'm sorry, but someone who wants to take responsibility does, you actually don't want to take responsibility for anything. You are unwilling to actually end the affair or confess to you husband, where is the responsibility you are talking about?

 

I also find it interesting that you said being involved with the OM is disrespectful towards him, what about your husband.

 

In my opinion, your marriage has no shot, like a blizzard in hell.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
MidnightBlue1980
I think you send him a text that says "I won't be able to contact you anymore. I've decided to focus on my marriage. I wish you well." And leave it at that. You should be clear, firm, and decisive.

 

 

I'd add - "and my pregnancy"

 

You are having a baby. It's not time for an affair and I seriously question a single man who would have an affair with a pregnant woman. No man would respect a woman who did that.

  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
I'd add - "and my pregnancy"

 

You are having a baby. It's not time for an affair and I seriously question a single man who would have an affair with a pregnant woman. No man would respect a woman who did that.

 

OMG - I didn't know this. Obviously, it's completely and utterly ridiculous to be having an affair while pregnant by another man. No man would respect that, no woman would respect that... And you REALLY have to question a single man who would have an affair with a pregnant woman.

 

Darling, you need to quit with this other man and dedicate yourself to your husband and your child. If you don't, well... You need to take responsibility for your actions to tell your husband and divorce him.

 

You are dreaming if you think that nobody is going to get hurt here...

Edited by BaileyB
Link to post
Share on other sites
Thank you carhill.

He and I met couple days before last Christmas, and now the new holiday season is here and it made it hard for me to tell him that the affair is over.

 

This morning he texted me and we chatted a little bit. I missed him so much, but I refrained myself from telling him these words.

 

He asked me what plans I have for Thanksgiving, I told him the truth that my husband's family is traveling to my city to eat dinner together. He told me that he would have to work on that day and had bought turkey to cook for himself after work. It just hurt my heart to think how alone he is.

 

Yeah, your marriage doesn't stand a snowballs chance in hell. You are not ready to let go of this man. This hurts my heart - for your husband and child. They deserve so much more than this.

Link to post
Share on other sites
Cullenbohannon

No matter how bad a picture you paint of your husband, it pales in comparison to the picture you paint of yourself. Cheating while pregnant is really bad. And your single guy sounds a little creepy.

 

Don't send anymore text. Not even a goodbye one. Just stop already.

Edited by Cullenbohannon
  • Like 1
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
I'd add - "and my pregnancy"

 

You are having a baby. It's not time for an affair and I seriously question a single man who would have an affair with a pregnant woman. No man would respect a woman who did that.

 

I have realized how horrible it is to be seeing the other man while being pregnant. I really did, and I felt myself disgusting.

 

I feel shameful, ugly, and disgusted. And I also feel horribly horrible when I’m home with my husband and child. I don’t know what I’m thinking when I think good things about the OM.

 

And I’ve come to the point where I want to put an end to it. It’s just it’s the holiday season and I cannot deny all the feelings I have developed for the OM as we started talking around the same time last year.

 

I made a huge mistake by having this affair. But I also have problems dealing with the heartbroken feelings... you all know this feeling. I want to correct it, and I need strength.

Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author
OMG - I didn't know this. Obviously, it's completely and utterly ridiculous to be having an affair while pregnant by another man. No man would respect that, no woman would respect that... And you REALLY have to question a single man who would have an affair with a pregnant woman.

 

Darling, you need to quit with this other man and dedicate yourself to your husband and your child. If you don't, well... You need to take responsibility for your actions to tell your husband and divorce him.

 

You are dreaming if you think that nobody is going to get hurt here...

 

Thank you Bailey. I do not respect myself for my behaviors. Nobody will. That’s why I’m here to post. I don’t know where are these craving feelings coming from. But my husband rarely asks me about my pregnancy, I want his care. The other night I fell sick and had a terrible headache. I couldn’t sleep so I sat on the couch to watch TV. I told my husband that, and he said “I don’t know what to do, I hope you feel better.” He had to go to sleep because he had to go to work the next morning. He didn’t sit down to hug me, or kiss me or anything. I felt hurt and I felt like contacting the OM but I managed not to. In my marriage, there are a lot of things like this that my husband hurt me unintentionally. I know he didn’t mean to hurt me, it’s just his personality. I don’t see it a reason for me to start the affair, but that was how I started. BTW, my husband and I NEVER slept together, we have an older child, we were living in different countries, and I got pregnant before we got married, so our older child has been always sleeping with me. When we moved to live together, we just never change it. Our child keeps sleeping with me, my husband has his own bedroom. For some reason, he never wanted to sleep together, his reason is “daughter needs you.” Trust me, I tried to convince him to make a change but he just acted so lazy. We have been having sex like once in a month since we lived together.

When I first lay in the OM’s arms in his bed, it felt so good. I felt like finally I had this place. And I’ve been drown in it.

Again, I know this cannot be the reason for the affair, there is no reason for an affair. It’s just I have so much pain in the marriage, I have so much complain about my husband. I’m scared to have a divorce, I’m scared of change. The OM has told me to divorce, I don’t know if he means it. But even if he did, I know thing will not work out when it is based on lies.

 

For kids’ sake, I cannot wait to clean my life from the affair. But I’m so alone in this country, and I don’t want to have nobody there when I feel like I need someone.

Edited by jolinb
Link to post
Share on other sites
  • Author

This morning, I sent him the message and put an end to the affair.

 

I told him that 'I had been feeling terrible about my behaviors, that I want to be a good mother and I had to stop talking to him. And I wish him well.'

 

He replied to me, "I respect your decision and your feelings. I'm always here for you. I wish you well too."

 

*Not long after we started the affair and the first time we had sex. He texted me that he wanted to stop it because he wanted to respect me and himself and us. That he felt bad to be a bad impact in my marriage. And I agreed. But after a week, he reached out.

 

*During this one year, I have wanted NC many times. We were more like in an emotional affair. We met less than 5 times in one year. We texted a lot, but we didn't talk about sex at all on messages. Every time when I cut him off, it was the feeling of being connected emotionally dragged me back. It was a good feeling.

 

We had talked a lot about having a future together, and deep inside I always think of divorcing my husband (long before I met the OM.) I feel like there are other things, like money and obligation that are keeping me in this marriage other than love itself. But yes, I cannot cheat on a man who is working hard on providing me a life. It completely disrespects him, and disgrace myself.

 

On the other hand, I felt happier with the OM. He would care if I was cold or hot while I was at his house; he would offer me water; he would remind me to be careful walking on stairs in his house; he would offer a pillow to me and fix the blanket while I was sitting on his couch...all these little things might sound silly, but to me, a woman who had been long craving for these little things in her marriage life, even fighting with husband about but never got, it was like a storm. Whenever I fought with my husband about him not caring about me enough, he would respond "I can't believe you are fighting with me about these stupid things."

 

I know it's possible that the OM only did these because this was an affair and nothing was real, nothing would survive in the light of day. We always tend to act in the most possibly perfect way with an affair partner. However, the feelings that he/the affair has given me is so real and it has made me happy. Sometimes during the affair, I felt like "I just want to be crazy and be happy."

 

BUT, it is time for me to think of my kids and the respect I shall pay to my husband and myself. I would focus on my pregnancy and marriage. I still think of divorcing my husband. But I will not seek for comfort from an affair anymore. There might be difficult days as I'm all alone in this country.

 

Another reason is I still dream of having a future with the OM. I want to know him more, and maybe someday we will work it out, after I have divorced. I want to be a good woman who doesn't cheat or sneak around. I want to be good for him. As I want to be responsible for my marriage, kids, and the husband who supports my life.

 

This time, I want to be true to my soul.

Edited by jolinb
Link to post
Share on other sites
Guest
This topic is now closed to further replies.
×
×
  • Create New...