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Marriage "too stable?"


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 19th November 2017, 1:18 PM   #46
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T/J....

What is DH? I always thought it meant "disloyal husband", but I see more and more threads where it applies to the BS.
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Old 19th November 2017, 1:25 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by GoldenR View Post
T/J....

What is DH? I always thought it meant "disloyal husband", but I see more and more threads where it applies to the BS.
I take it "DH" to mean "Dear Husband"....as in "I know my OM is a scumbag and I am married to a great guy who doesn't deserve this but OM and I have that spark I don't just don't feel w DH"

D could also stand for "duped" as in being duped by the wandering spouse
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You'll thank me for saying that later.

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Old 19th November 2017, 4:59 PM   #48
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compartmentalizing?

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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
.....DH and i are getting along well. I know i will get slammed for saying this but i love spending time with him and we are happy. I learned how to compartmentalize my marriage from my affair so any emotions i feel for my marriage is intact and any emotions high or low i feel in my affair would not be taken out on DH.

Sometimes the guilt hits me hard and i begin having second thoughts about continuing this. I would feel like i would be fine since i am getting used to not talking to him daily like before. But then the time comes when i miss him again so much that i know i can't lose him.

I don't really know why i am here telling this story. I guess maybe i just need some insight from people who knows how this feels. I miss him so much and the highs of being able to communicate even for a few hours feels amazing. But the lows of missing him is so low and it hurts. I try to divert this energy i'm spending thinking about him but it's so difficult. I find myself thinking of him so much everyday and wondering if he thinks as much as i do. To anyone who went through something like this, how did you handle all this emotions?
Well, the last three paragraphs are the most telling.

Being able to compartmentalize the affair, doesn't bode well for your marriage in the long run. That is a character trait commonly needed for serial cheaters. Or, as in this case, a long term affair cheater. That is not a characteristic of a "Safe" marriage partner.

Combined with the emotional compulsive addiction type thinking that you described... it doesn't appear that there is any end in site so far for this game you two are playing.

You do realize that your husband is likely to eventually find out about your cheating?

By the way, you never mentioned much about the sex so far. How is the sex with the other man? How important is it to this forbidden relationship?
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Old 19th November 2017, 5:07 PM   #49
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It was probably my na´vetÚ that led me down this path. So naive to think oh we are just old college acquaintances reconnecting. Naive to think a little flirtation through messaging is harmless. It's not like it's gonna go anywhere because we are both committed to our primary relationships. When it got to this point, i even made myself a little list. Make sure the conversations never gets sexual. Don't ever meet up alone. Etc etc. I underestimated how strong the pull of an addiction like this can be. I underestimated how strong our emotions and attachment could get.

We got to the point where we actually made a commitment to each other to make this work instead of just taking it day by day.Somehow, thankfully i am at the point where i'm rethinking everything. I just really need to find that something that will push me to end it. And it can't be at DH's expense. If i have to suffer through this, at least i would rather save him from all that.

It's not the naivete'... it's your selfish nature and self centeredness that helped you completely justify bad behavior that you intentionally participated in.


Stop calling it something it's not - it was calculated and intentional - plain and simple. Anything less is rationalizing on your part.
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Old 19th November 2017, 5:21 PM   #50
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It's not uncommon for AP's to get together after they blow up thier marriages it's uncommon that those relationships last. About 14 months, after about a year the females tend to miss long for or desire the ex. I know you want admit it, but from your posts it's pretty clear you are at that stage now.

OP, I'm not sure you really want to do anything to change the situation, so you won't. This is a guilty moment that will likely pass. Then business as usual. Until you get caught. Then it will be a mistake, right?
That's the problem. I am unsure of what to do. I keep yo-yoing back and forth from wanting to end this to not wanting to lose him. I guess only those who had been in my situation would understand. May i ask if you are aWS or BS?
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Old 19th November 2017, 5:23 PM   #51
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That's the problem. I am unsure of what to do. I keep yo-yoing back and forth from wanting to end this to not wanting to lose him. I guess only those who had been in my situation would understand. May i ask if you are aWS or BS?
Do you want to lose your marriage?
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Old 19th November 2017, 8:17 PM   #52
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Do you want to lose your marriage?
No and neither does he. I know the next response would be to just end it. I am trying to find the strength and support to do that. At least during those times when my feelings go in that direction. I know my posts go back and forth and that's why i have this inner conflict and precisely why i finally posted on here trying to find insight from those who have been through this too.

I have read of married APs maintaining their A for years. We had agreed to do that but half of me is being pulled into the other direction too which is to stop and do the right thing. I suppose I should've posted in the OM/OW forum instead of here. I don't know. My mind and heart are a mess.
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Old 19th November 2017, 8:25 PM   #53
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No and neither does he. I know the next response would be to just end it. I am trying to find the strength and support to do that. At least during those times when my feelings go in that direction. I know my posts go back and forth and that's why i have this inner conflict and precisely why i finally posted on here trying to find insight from those who have been through this too.

I have read of married APs maintaining their A for years. We had agreed to do that but half of me is being pulled into the other direction too which is to stop and do the right thing. I suppose I should've posted in the OM/OW forum instead of here. I don't know. My mind and heart are a mess.
I'll say. You seem to have no awareness of just how much your life is going to implode when everyone finds out about this. If that's a risk you're willing to take, keep on doing what you're doing.
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Old 19th November 2017, 8:27 PM   #54
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T/J....

What is DH? I always thought it meant "disloyal husband", but I see more and more threads where it applies to the BS.
DH and DW are widely used across the interwebs for dear husband and dear wife .
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Old 19th November 2017, 8:29 PM   #55
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I'll say. You seem to have no awareness of just how much your life is going to implode when everyone finds out about this. If that's a risk you're willing to take, keep on doing what you're doing.
Quoting myself to correct myself. Instead of saying "if that's a risk you're willing to take" I should have said "if those are the consequences you're willing to live with." Because it will happen.

I'm curious, do you personally know any couples whose marriage has been destroyed by infidelity?
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Old 19th November 2017, 8:29 PM   #56
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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
No and neither does he. I know the next response would be to just end it. I am trying to find the strength and support to do that. At least during those times when my feelings go in that direction. I know my posts go back and forth and that's why i have this inner conflict and precisely why i finally posted on here trying to find insight from those who have been through this too.

I have read of married APs maintaining their A for years. We had agreed to do that but half of me is being pulled into the other direction too which is to stop and do the right thing. I suppose I should've posted in the OM/OW forum instead of here. I don't know. My mind and heart are a mess.
Do what's right. You have to live with your conscience. You have to do what makes you proud of YOURSELF.

IF you intend to continue the affair then end your marriage. Know full well that just because you end you marriage doesn't mean your MM will end his.

IF you intend to continue being married then end the affair. You took vows - honor them or end the agreement you made with your husband.
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Old 19th November 2017, 11:06 PM   #57
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That's the problem. I am unsure of what to do. I keep yo-yoing back and forth from wanting to end this to not wanting to lose him. I guess only those who had been in my situation would understand. May i ask if you are aWS or BS?
Doesn't what is right for your husband *ever* cross your mind though?

I mean, if you cannot end your affair, I'd hope you at least have the decency to set your husband free to find someone who loves him and him alone, instead of stringing him along.

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Old 19th November 2017, 11:22 PM   #58
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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
No and neither does he. I know the next response would be to just end it. I am trying to find the strength and support to do that. At least during those times when my feelings go in that direction. I know my posts go back and forth and that's why i have this inner conflict and precisely why i finally posted on here trying to find insight from those who have been through this too.

I have read of married APs maintaining their A for years. We had agreed to do that but half of me is being pulled into the other direction too which is to stop and do the right thing. I suppose I should've posted in the OM/OW forum instead of here. I don't know. My mind and heart are a mess.
Actually, you've been consistent. I don't see any back and forth, just full steam ahead on your affair.

As I said, this is a passing guilt stage, I'm guessing having gone a few days with less than normal communication with the AP.

I'm not sure your as successful in fooling us as you are yourself, no back and forth, you are simply more committed to your affair partner then you are your family. No doubt about that.
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Old 20th November 2017, 12:52 AM   #59
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Actually, you've been consistent. I don't see any back and forth, just full steam ahead on your affair.

As I said, this is a passing guilt stage, I'm guessing having gone a few days with less than normal communication with the AP.

I'm not sure your as successful in fooling us as you are yourself, no back and forth, you are simply more committed to your affair partner then you are your family. No doubt about that.
Is this somethjng you have personally experienced? Or mostly got it from reading Of other people's experiences here? I'm not being sarcastic or anything. I do want to know. What you just said is a bit of an eye opener. Maybe i am deluding myself into believing i want to quit but like you said it could be moments of doubt after less communication.
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Old 20th November 2017, 1:31 AM   #60
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Is this somethjng you have personally experienced? Or mostly got it from reading Of other people's experiences here? I'm not being sarcastic or anything. I do want to know. What you just said is a bit of an eye opener. Maybe i am deluding myself into believing i want to quit but like you said it could be moments of doubt after less communication.
You absolutely don't want to quit, I think everyone here except for you can see that, yet you continue to attempt to convince us you want to. It's simply a sober moment, like a heroine addict, clarity between highs. Lower contact and you can see the damage, but you still long for that hit, it's the most important thing in your life.

I'm a type A personality fixer, after finding out about my wife's affair, I threw myself into gaining as much information as possible. Specifically on female behavior before, during and after affairs. Your actions are by the book, the outcome is predictable. You will continue until you get caught, no doubt in my mind.

Then what? What happens when your husband finds out?
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