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Marriage "too stable?"


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 15th November 2017, 12:24 PM   #1
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How did you deal with the emotions?

I guess i should start at the beginning. I'm a 32F married for 9 years, no kids. Last year we tried doing the fertility thing but no luck. My husband and i got frustrated and i supposed we drifted apart emotionally for a while.

Then an old college acquaintance entered the picture. We are all from a different country so it was nice to get in touch with someone from the same place. The OM Is engaged (together with her for 5 years)and due to visa reasons he's been apart from his fiancee for about a year.

We started catching up on facebook and met up with other people from our place. My husband was there of course. I admit i felt the chemistry between us right away and even my DH commented on it. I assured him there was no history which is the truth.

The innocent catching up messages soon began to get flirty. I admit i liked the attention after that emotional disconnect from DH. And if i guess correctly the OM was lonely as he was living alone in a different country for the past year.

One night about a month later when DH was out, our messages began getting sexual. It was something I couldn't resist. Yes, I should've controlled myself but I didn't. It progressed to more of that until we finally decided to meet up in person after another month. We kept saying it was so we can see how we feel for each other because the chemistry and attraction was so strong. And we believed to connect like this with another person after a long time is rare. But who are we kidding. I know there was a lot of underlying sexual energy and we both wanted to explore that.

He lives 4 hours away and so he drove here. We spent the day together and it felt so natural. No awkwardness or anything. It was amazing.

We communicated almost daily as much as my schedule allowed. We talked about anything and everything. I know people say this all the time but we felt so connected, not just physically but in other aspects as well.

He never calls or messages me when i am home. We both agreed that no one will know about this. That both our partners will always be priority. That we will not get attached. I kept myself a little detached because I'm aware that women tend to get more emotionally invested. Well, it turned out he was the first one to get emotional. He told me he was falling in love with me. He never got controlling or possessive, although he would sometimes ask me on some days if DH and i had sex or not. I started falling for him as well.

We met up once a month for 3 more months then his fiancee came here. We kept our no expectations agreement but somehow found ourselves promising each other things and also scheduling our communication. Basically we ended up comitting to this unofficially. We made it offical 6 months after we started all of this, just before they left the country to go get married. They stayed there for a month and we only had contact two days out of that month. We didn't want to risk communicating because they were always together and he doesn't know if i am at work or home. He messaged me the night before the wedding and it was sexual. Yes that was totally despicable and disrespectful to her and I wish it didn't happen but we missed each other so much that we let it happen.

They came back here together and apparently she can now stay here. We knew this time would come. I gave him a chance to get out of our relationship. Because i never want him to feel like he is obliged to be with me. But he didn't want to. We still kept communicating as much as we can but it is getting harder.

It's now a year since this all started. DH and i are in a better place. We even went on a 3 week vacation. OM and i are living both our lives while still maintaining our small world. It is getting harder to keep this but we promised each other we will keep this forever if we can. Sometimes i feel like we are so distant and it gives me a bit of anxiety. It makes me unsure about his feelings but he assures me he still wants me. And he shows it through our "constant" communication. Sometimes i see their photos and i feel a little jealous. Those unsure feelings have been growing a bit and i'm not sure how to handle them. Feelings are tricky that's for sure.

DH and i are getting along well. I know i will get slammed for saying this but i love spending time with him and we are happy. I learned how to compartmentalize my marriage from my affair so any emotions i feel for my marriage is intact and any emotions high or low i feel in my affair would not be taken out on DH.

Sometimes the guilt hits me hard and i begin having second thoughts about continuing this. I would feel like i would be fine since i am getting used to not talking to him daily like before. But then the time comes when i miss him again so much that i know i can't lose him.

I don't really know why i am here telling this story. I guess maybe i just need some insight from people who knows how this feels. I miss him so much and the highs of being able to communicate even for a few hours feels amazing. But the lows of missing him is so low and it hurts. I try to divert this energy i'm spending thinking about him but it's so difficult. I find myself thinking of him so much everyday and wondering if he thinks as much as i do. To anyone who went through something like this, how did you handle all this emotions?
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Old 15th November 2017, 3:31 PM   #2
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Do what makes you feel good.


But let your husband know...so he can do what makes him feel good. It's only fair. If he's going to be in an open marriage, shouldn't he know?
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Old 15th November 2017, 4:59 PM   #3
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You're going to blow up your life, sooner or later. I know you think you've got it under control. We all think that, up until the very second before it all implodes. It's going to be so much worse than you ever anticipated... I was in your exact shoes. You are probably going to lose your husband and your OM both, and completely upend your life in every way. You are in for a world of hurt.

As for handling the emotions: yes, it's tough. It's because you are living a double life and lying every second of the day to the person who you are supposed to love and respect the most in the world. Our brains aren't really equipped to handle that, so we compartmentalize and it's an unnatural way to be. Add to that the rush from your literal addiction to the OM (google limerance - that's what you're feeling), and it's a mess.
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Old 15th November 2017, 5:57 PM   #4
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Wow. The word compartmentalize was used. I never thought marriage would use such a word. Just...WOW.
That poor husband. And he is just clueless that. And the new wife of the OM. On the wedding night? Its easy to see how people can end up so jaded. When their supposed life partner isn't. And gets about the same usage as a household appliance. I will pray for those two. Sad.

And when OM gets another fling on the side...And gives the OP, his wife and the DH a disease... This will get ugly.
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Old 15th November 2017, 6:05 PM   #5
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If I were you I would move this to the OM/OW board. This is infidelity and you will get all responses from betrayed spouses.
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Old 15th November 2017, 7:03 PM   #6
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See a therapist to help you consider your emotions.

An affair is like a drug high - there's no way the reality of any marriage can compete with that.

Do you plan to keep in contact with the OM moving forward?

Have you been thoroughly tested for diseases?
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Old 15th November 2017, 8:08 PM   #7
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You need to talk to your husband and explain to him that the solemn vow you took in front of your god was meaningless and subject to change. That way, he can be released from the contract.
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Old 15th November 2017, 8:13 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Cephalopod View Post
Do what makes you feel good.


But let your husband know...so he can do what makes him feel good. It's only fair. If he's going to be in an open marriage, shouldn't he know?
Yes you are completely right. If only I am not too cowardly. Of course one of the reasons I prefer not to tell him is I can't stand to i hurt him. Although if we are all honest the main reason is so i would not get caught which is the most selfish but truest reason.
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Old 16th November 2017, 6:58 AM   #9
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Originally Posted by Ronnie33 View Post
If I were you I would move this to the OM/OW board. This is infidelity and you will get all responses from betrayed spouses.
You know what?
That EXACTLY who she needs to be hearing from, because int he end, it's the bs who are going to be the ones who pay the highest price for this.

Not her. They will have their lives turned upside down because of the actions of her and her om. That's not pleasant to hear about, but it's the truth.

What right does she have to ask, and expect, then to do this? She can't even use the excuse of "my marriage is bad".
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Old 16th November 2017, 7:00 AM   #10
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Originally Posted by Marriedow View Post
Yes you are completely right. If only I am not too cowardly. Of course one of the reasons I prefer not to tell him is I can't stand to i hurt him. Although if we are all honest the main reason is so i would not get caught which is the most selfish but truest reason.
You don;t get it.

Think of an affair like a cancer. It's there, but the person doesn't know about it. It's slowly growing, using up energy and time, making the person sick, only they don;t know why.

Finally, they find out.

What caused the problem here? The person finding out how sick they are so they can get treatment, or the cancer itself?
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Old 16th November 2017, 7:04 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by Birdies View Post
You're going to blow up your life, sooner or later. I know you think you've got it under control. We all think that, up until the very second before it all implodes. It's going to be so much worse than you ever anticipated... I was in your exact shoes. You are probably going to lose your husband and your OM both, and completely upend your life in every way. You are in for a world of hurt.

As for handling the emotions: yes, it's tough. It's because you are living a double life and lying every second of the day to the person who you are supposed to love and respect the most in the world. Our brains aren't really equipped to handle that, so we compartmentalize and it's an unnatural way to be. Add to that the rush from your literal addiction to the OM (google limerance - that's what you're feeling), and it's a mess.
I am glad to hear from someone who knows almost exaclty what i am going through. It's so hard to handle these emotions. Maybe in the future i can control my actions but what i'm scared the most of are the emotions. What if i regret ending it? How will i cope with that? But then again, you are right it could implode and i lose them both. And that's something i will have to cope with too. On top of that i would have to deal with the hurt my DH would feel. I wish there was an easier way. The most logical choice is to end it, go NC and all that. But god, it's way eaiser said than done.

If you don't mind me asking, how did your situation end up?
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Old 16th November 2017, 7:13 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by BarbedFenceRider View Post
Wow. The word compartmentalize was used. I never thought marriage would use such a word. Just...WOW.
That poor husband. And he is just clueless that. And the new wife of the OM. On the wedding night? Its easy to see how people can end up so jaded. When their supposed life partner isn't. And gets about the same usage as a household appliance. I will pray for those two. Sad.

And when OM gets another fling on the side...And gives the OP, his wife and the DH a disease... This will get ugly.
Thank you. I need to hear/read comments like this to figuratively smack my head and give me insight and hopefully courage to finally end this.

And yes, so many times i would just look at DH and feel so absolutely guilty and horrible for what i am doing. And in those moments it's like a little spark lights up to get me to want to end it. But then another moment comes that i remember OM and miss him so much that i also know I can't lose him.

I have met his wife before they got married. She seems very nice and i also hate myself for knowing that she is living a lie. The guilt of all of this eats me up but i am so weak and really need to find that courage somewhere. Being here saying all this gives me hope that maybe the fog is starting to lift so i can clearly see everything.
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Old 16th November 2017, 7:21 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
You know what?
That EXACTLY who she needs to be hearing from, because int he end, it's the bs who are going to be the ones who pay the highest price for this.

Not her. They will have their lives turned upside down because of the actions of her and her om. That's not pleasant to hear about, but it's the truth.

What right does she have to ask, and expect, then to do this? She can't even use the excuse of "my marriage is bad".
You are correct. I was about to reply to that post. It's good to hear from people who knows how it feels but i know i also need to hear from the other side. I am hoping that me coming here is the start of the phase where you identify what is wrong so you can work towards correcting it. I am hoping for the fog to start to lift so i can make better decisions.

From the beginning i have been going back and forth from missing him to never wanting this to end to feeling guilty to wanting to end and do the right thing. I know right now I can't go nc cold turkey because i am not strong enough to handle the fallout. I do have an addictive personality and this is one of the worst addictions for people to experience. I suppose there is no such thing as a "good addiction" lol

And we had also agreed from the beginning that if and when this ends, we will never tell our spouses. Because they don't deserve to suffer the consequences of our actions. These are our choices and any consequences will have to be suffered by just us, never them.
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Old 16th November 2017, 9:08 AM   #14
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You are correct. I was about to reply to that post. It's good to hear from people who knows how it feels but i know i also need to hear from the other side. I am hoping that me coming here is the start of the phase where you identify what is wrong so you can work towards correcting it. I am hoping for the fog to start to lift so i can make better decisions.

From the beginning i have been going back and forth from missing him to never wanting this to end to feeling guilty to wanting to end and do the right thing. I know right now I can't go nc cold turkey because i am not strong enough to handle the fallout. I do have an addictive personality and this is one of the worst addictions for people to experience. I suppose there is no such thing as a "good addiction" lol

And we had also agreed from the beginning that if and when this ends, we will never tell our spouses. Because they don't deserve to suffer the consequences of our actions. These are our choices and any consequences will have to be suffered by just us, never them.
From the way you write, it really sounds to me like your first step is to figure out what it is that you want.

If it's your marriage, then the affair has to end. Otherwise, the whole relationship between your and our husband is poisoned.

If it's your om you feel is the better match for you, then, hard as it may be, take the steps to end your receptive relationships and make that happen.

If it's both, then at least respect your spouses enough to be honest with them.

I know that making this sort of choice could be very difficult, but you sound like you have a sensible head on your shoulders. Is there anyone in real life you can talk to about this? They can help give you strength if you feel like you are faltering.
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Old 16th November 2017, 11:04 AM   #15
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And we had also agreed from the beginning that if and when this ends, we will never tell our spouses. Because they don't deserve to suffer the consequences of our actions. These are our choices and any consequences will have to be suffered by just us, never them.
If you truly want to address your situation, I think it's good to be honest, at least with yourself.

You make it sound like even when you're in the affair, you think about your husband's well-being and trying to do what's best for him. But in reality, if you did think about your husband's well-being, you won't be in an affair in the first place. Yes, the world is not all black and white, but this much is true: your affair is a selfish decision, and not telling your spouses is just damage control because you don't want to have to explain yourself, and you don't want your spouse to confront you and possibly leave you. That's really why you're not telling. I've read this "I don't want my spouse to get hurt while I have sex with other men, so I won't tell him" line so many times, that every time I come across it it seems more comical than anything else.

It's like a mother leaving her children in secret, and when they ask her "Why did you leave us without telling us?" she replies, "Because I don't want to hurt you!" Naturally, the children would be saying, "Then why did you leave us?"

So admit to yourself, AT THIS POINT you're only thinking about yourself. You're not trying to protect your husband from being hurt; he's already hurt and just doesn't know it.

Then after you can be honest with yourself, you can take the next step as wmacbride suggested. If the marriage(s) is not right for you (both), end it and proceed with your respective life.

Ask yourself this. If your husband is doing this to you eg having an affair while still keeping you around for security, how would you feel? I'm not advocating for you to be faithful to him, that's clearly already not an option. But at least have the courage to do one final act, and that's to tell him so he can live a free life.
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