Can I make this work???

[oceanlife]

Bare with me, I am new here.....

 

Married 26 years, 3 wonderful kids, 2 moved out, a senior left at home. All are so hurt by their dad having a A.

 

It started 4 years ago as a EA and turned into a full A. His work took him away over night for a night every week to every other week. Then he made the over nights happen more and more.

 

When I confronted him about having a affair, it was we are only friends and he got pissed and went to work on a night he didn't have to work. They talked and texted non stop and sent naked pictures all the time, put he always deleted everything so I never could find anything, just proof on the phone bill of her number nonstop. He had a email that I didn't know about until later.

 

I told him to quit talking and seeing her and to quit going overnight for work. I still had this gut feeling that things were not right and I asked him how many times if he was still seeing her or talking to her and he said no. I found a phone in his work backpack that he kept in his car with only her number on it, so I took it in the house and asked him what is this? He said a work phone, I said well it has only her number on it nonstop. So he said he had to say good bye to her. At that time he was saying that it was only a EA affair and no sex...yeah right, no I am not that stupid.

 

So I said ok, then you don't mind that I do a polygraph on you and he said, no I don't you are just wasting money that we need for bills. When it came down to it he freaked out and said that he wasn't taking the test and yes they slept together for 4 months until I ended it.

 

I still had this gut feeling that something wasn't right so I still wanted to do a polygraph because all along he has lied about everything so far , so I had him do one and he failed it. they were still talking, she had bought him a phone and was paying for it, so I wouldn't find out about it.

 

At that point he had already gotten rid of it, 7 months later I redid a polygraph and he failed again, still can't stop talking to her, now he is calling her if we get into a fight from his work so its on their phone bill.

 

We have been in therapy this whole time, but now we are both in therapy with new therapist and separately he says he now sees what he has done to me and that she was just out to break up his marriage . My H will do anything to make our marriage work at this point.

 

I still don't trust him. I did file for divorce and stopped it a year ago, my son was having lots of issues in his own life and we ended up in the ER with him threatening to take his life.

 

I love my H, but we do not have a emotional connectional at all, he thinks we do, but we definitely do not. We only have a sexual one. I need more and he has never been able to open up to me, but him and the OW talked and texted for 4000 minutes a month. Makes me feel like ****, we don't talk or text for 100 a month and at home we sit and watch TV or he sleeps on the couch.

 

Thanks for reading!

 

Help......

[Mrs. John Adams]

I am not sure what you are looking for from the LS community. You really have answered your own question.

 

There is nothing in this relationship to save.

[BluesPower]

Well at least you are not a complete fool...

 

You had sense enough to catch him and sense enough for file for divorce. But not the courage to follow through with it, which is somewhat understandable.

 

I'll give you the basics, but a more complete description of marriage, as unbiased as possible would help us give you the proper advice.

 

First, the things you did right.

 

1) confronted, good.

2) Polygraph, good.

3) filed for divorce, good.

 

The things not so good.

4) dropped the divorce, bad, you should have paused it and kept the ax over his head.

5) tried to believe his lies, and fell for a few, bad.

6) did you try the pick me game, if you did bad.

7) marriage counseling before he stopped the affair, bad and a huge waste of money.

 

Things you should know or be figuring out by now.

 

1) The affair went on longer and was far more sexual than you realize even now. She gave him everything she could to keep him: Anal, ample BJ's, general enthusiastic sex, told him what a stud he was whether he is or not.

2) affair may or may not be continuing, and since he knows your checking his phone, it may be hard to tell. Might require a PI to be sure.

3) do they work together? if they do it has to stop now or the affair continues.

4) You need to figure out if you want him anymore, and if you think you can ever have an emotional connection with him, and really, did you ever have that. No, for the most part you will never be able to trust him.

 

Things you could tell us so we may be able to help more...

 

1) what was the state of the marriage before the affair

2) was he ever emotionally connected to you and you to him.

3) how was the sex and how frequent was it, and did it get too boring or vanilla.

4) what do you really want to happen.

 

Because I will tell you that this can be over come, but both partners have to want it, and your husband has to do the heavy lifting.

 

You need too decide if in reality he is emotionally mature and self-aware enough to actually do the heavy lifting. Or is he one of those clueless guys that has never really looked inside himself for any reason.

 

If he is the latter, the marriage is toast, might as well divorce and look for a man that can make you happy.

 

If he is the former, doubtful, you guys have a chance, but you did not break this thing and you cannot put it together by yourself...

[oceanlife]

Bluespower

The Marriage was Ok, We have had our ups and downs like most marriages. I was working two jobs, so he said I wasn't there for him. He even told me when he met this OW that our marriage was good at that time.

 

They did not work together, he went to her town and a neighboring town for his work.

 

Yes, we did have a emotional connection in our marriage before this. Not a strong one, but we did have one.

 

The sex was good until I got the second job, then I work 12 day with 2 off. It was like that for 4 years that I did that. I still gave him sex, just probably not up to his standards.

 

I love my husband and would like to work it out, but the trust is a huge issue and if he can't emotionally connect with me, I can't stay for only the sex.

[sandylee1]

He lied and gaslighted while he was having a 4 year affair. ...he never stopped time and time again and chooses to blame the OW for trying to ruin your marriage. ..

 

When he did that himself. I'm sorry but forgiving a 4 year affair. ..to me would appear that the betrayed is desperate for me. I wouldn't expect forgiveness if I did it..

 

He's disappointed your children and they will also see you as weak to take him back.

 

I'd go through with the divorce.

[oceanlife]

Ok, I didn't explain how long the affair its self was. It's been 4 years since it all started, but the affair it's self lasted a year and a half. Not that that makes it a lot easier.

[Mrs. John Adams]

I love my H, but we do not have a emotional connectional at all, he thinks we do, but we definitely do not.

 

If you have NO EMOTIONAL CONNECTION..there is NOTHING to save. You cant love someone you have no emotional connection with. You either love him or you dont

 

This is not rocket science

 

the two of you have destroyed any chances you have to REPAIR the damage you have caused.

 

Look..I cheated..and had ONE sexual encounter...two years later my husband had a revenge affair...NO SEX...we are 35 years in reconciliation

 

We never stopped loving each other....we absolutely were willing to do whatever it took to save us as a couple

 

Please tell me...what are the BOTH of you willing to do...and WHY? If there is no emotional connection...you have NOTHING

[Mr Blunt]

You have no emotional connection and he has betrayed you and the whole family for years...You are a door mat and need to stop allowing him to walk on you. Build yourself up because your husband is not going to but in fact he will continue to tear you down.

 

You say that you love him but is that because you are so weak and desperate that you say you love at the same time you say you have no emoitional connection?

 

Work on becoming stronger, braver, and more self sufficient so that you do have to compromise so much and allow yourself to be so needy and walked on.

[understand50]

oceanlife,

 

To echo many here, the only thing you can change is yourself. You are going to have to take action to change this. Your husband, does not seem the type to "fix" this. Also, I fear, that there may be nothing here to fix. You state your husband, thinks that there is a emotional link between you both, but you do not. Why, are you staying if you do not love him? I do not believe, that there was never a link between you both, but his actions and behavior down the years has destroyed it. This has been going on before his Affair.

 

So, if you are going to try and "fix" this, the first thing is to look past the Affair and find out when and how thing went bad. The foundations are bad. How are you going to shore them up? Know that you can not change him, but only change your behavior and environment to have him change. How you learn to re-love him, I do not know.

 

I wish you luck....

[Just a Guy]

Hi Ocean life, you said that four years ago you took up a second job which took away from quality time with your family and husband. That is also the time that your husband initiated the affair. While his affair is entirely his responsibility, the fact that it coincided with your taking up this second job seems suspect. Maybe you withdrew emotionally and otherwise from him because of the added stress. I wonder if you gave enough thought to that aspect as, I am sure you would have thought twice about it if you knew what was about to happen. Your husband may still have gone ahead and had his affair but you will always wonder as to whether your taking up this job acted as a catalyst for it to happen and that it may not have happened in the absence of this second job.

 

Whatever be the reason for his affair, I think Mr. Blunt has stated quite clearly the dilemma you face. I think it best that you two call it a day and go your separate ways. Warm wishes.

[Confused48]

You should absolutely divorce him. Protect yourself. Get the best settlement you can and then once you have it, see if he still wants to make amends, somehow. Not sure how he could ever earn back the right to have your love and trust again.

 

Someone that can have a double life for 4 years is going to be a pretty messed up person. Are you sure you want to give him another chance?

 

He lied to you and gaslighted you for 4 years. This is a whole new side to him that you never knew of before. Is this man, that you now see, an acceptable man to bring into your life? Forget about who you thought he was. Think about who he really is and answer that question.