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How did you get your confidence back after you’ve been cheated on?


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Hi all, I am very interested in hearing your stories as BSs on how did you get your confidence as a woman/man back after being betrayed. I know the quickest and dirtiest way would be to have a revenge affair but that’s is not me, I wouldn’t like myself if I did that, even WS would definitely deserve it. But as I said, this is about me and the person I want to be so it wouldn’t work. Thing is that I find myself wondering wtf was Wong with me. Wasn’t I sexy enough? I know I was attractive enough because, without false modesty, I can say that I am more attractive and a more interesting and educated person than the person/people my husband got distracted too. But I wonder if maybe they’re better in bed or if he perceived them as more ‘slutty’ and that was a turn on for him? I know that no romantic feelings were involved whatsoever and it probably was mainly an ego boost for him, the feeling of power and that he still has it but unfortunately this influences me too. I’ve never thought as myself as particularly sexy, not even before this. I always focused on other qualities and i’ve been Appreciated for that, possibly I feel like this because in the rare occasions when a guy in the past has tried to put me in the fwb role I never accepted it and moved on. I might sound really boring based on this right? Anyway, I am pretty, look way younger than I am, I am planning a breast augmentation post breastfeeding for more than a year and a half ( this was planned long before DDay) so looks are not an issue. I am talking about sexual confidence maybe and feeling tired of being the good girl he/guys think is perfect and want to marry but then having to deal with this kind of stuff. Does any of you ever felt this way? How did you move on and felt better about yourself? Thanks

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Don't focus in what you perceive as your attraction in his eyes. Forget that entirely. Don't reward his betrayal by moulding yourself to be what you think he wants. Be better for you. Make yourself stronger and happier for YOU. If he likes the new you better think of it as a bonus but not the main purpose.

 

I think you may be a bit like me. I have never been 'sexy' - I am not a particularly feminine woman - I am very tall and unlike you, not really pretty (IMO) - and I have struggled to feel sexy in a world that seems to define feminine sexuality in very set ways. I have always focused on my intelligence, my practical skills (I'm a sh*t-hot cook for instance ;)) , my sense of humour, my knowledge. For some reason DH always thought I was sexy as hell but I couldn't accept that.

 

Since d-day I have taken up running (done numerous 10k races, 4 half marathons and am planning my first full marathon next May), through my running club I have made many new friends and since I stopped turning down social invitations at work I have a better social life (H comes along too - that's a lesson we BOTH learned) than since my university days. I am a different woman. I like me a lot better. And guess what, H still finds me sexy as hell and now I agree with him!

 

Look at what would make you happier. Do that. If your H comes along for the ride all to the good

 

xx

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Everyone recovers in their own way, and on their own timeline, but the one thing that won't help is the belief that revenge affairs will fix anything. So, on that, you are absolutely correct in your thinking. It' a bad idea, and will likely only make you feel worse about the unfortunate situation that you are dealing with. I am sorry that you are hurting, and feeling so much self doubt.

 

For me, it took a while, but it boiled down to realizing that his affairs had nothing to do with me, but his own insecurities and selfishness. He didn't cheat because I wasn't attractive, or because I wasn't good in bed. He cheated simply because he wanted to, and the opportunity presented itself, so he did.

 

How do you get over it? Start by realizing that affairs are selfish, and not a measure of you as a person. If you cannot convince yourself, then seek out a good therapist that will help you regain the confidence that your WS took from you. A dear friend once told me "When you believe that you are a strong, beautiful, confident, and wonderful woman, you will be." She was right. I stopped relying on other people validating me to feel secure within myself. I hope that one day, soon, you too will find your inner beauty and strength, and realize that what he did was based on his flaws, and not because you weren't good enough in any way.

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Did you have much anger? Where did it go? For me, the anger, indignation, outrage - whatever you want to call it - made confidence redundant.

 

My point is that I rarely get depressed any more or feel bad about myself in the present. For one thing, it feels like giving into his worldview. But the main thing for me is that I finally woke up to the shyte sandwich I'd been served and there is just NO WAY I'm going to ALSO buy into seeing myself as a consolation prize. It's the other way around. He's lucky I'm here and I may or may not let him know he's worth it. (He'll be fine whether I do or not, btw.) I view sex as something I do with him for me.

 

After what he did to me, there is just no way in hell I'm going to let him ruin the rest of my life.

 

My advice is to fire up your anger, if you haven't already. Don't ever accept that you are still his victim. Stay in charge of your feelings and actions. Get some more activities going outside the house that you enjoy and that make you feel successful. And any time you start to feel bad about yourself because of what he did to you - especially feelings of inferiority - talk to yourself about the ridiculous, selfish ways he's hurt you and the fact that you DON'T NEED him.

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But definitely agree about the therapy. Start there and that will help you reconnect with some of the feelings and reactions to learning about the affair that you might have buried. You need to let all of them have their way to get rid of them. They don't go away on their own. You have to acknowledge their existence in order to purge them.

 

To clarify about the anger and deliberate selfishness: It's a change of perspective to prevent thinking that you're not worthy. I don't really believe that it's good to stay angry or that sex should be one-sided. I'm saying that exaggerating these attitudes for a while can help you regain confidence, independence and strength of character.

Edited by merrmeade
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Being cheated on was never considered a confidence thing for me even though my fiancé of 4 years and the girlfriend after her, cheated on me. I do not see what confidence has to do with it since even the most beautiful, famous, rich and powerful people in the world get cheated on. I did lose confidence in monogamy though and my marriage was non monogamous. We lived in a poly triad with my wife's best friend for most of our 45 years of marriage.

 

After my first time being cheated on I picked up a girl I met at a bar and spent 30 days with her until it was her that I loved. Then I moved to another country and she could not get a visa so we said goodbye and within weeks I had a live in girlfriend. She cheated on me, well not exactly. We were in an open relationship and she did the one thing we swore we would not do and that was have sex with anyone that the other knew. She was dating my friend and then asked my three best friends to gang bang her. That was the end of that. That time it took me 3 months before I found another girlfriend and 3 weeks after finding her we were engaged. She became my wife.

 

I had multiple girlfriends at the same time since I was 11. Girls always were attracted to me and mostly wanted sex, not a relationships. Must be my Pheromones of what is said in the article below since I fall into the #1 spot. I always have an abundance of confidence due to the gifts I was born with my accomplishments in love, life and business.

 

My wife often says that she is certain that if she dies before me, I will find a date to bring to her funeral. She used me as bait to get girls into our bed so she could play with them too. Look at it this way, you can be the best football player of your time, but that does not mean you will always play a perfect game or come out on top all the time. To think you will never be cheated on is delusional no matter how great you are. Those who lose confidence from their setbacks are not the ones who go on to be successful despite those setbacks or feel less confident about themselves due to the actions of another.

 

Best way to get over a girl is to get under another. That always worked for me. True story, both girls who cheated on me went on to have horrible lives according to what they told me 35 years later. Drug addiction, unwanted pregnancies, mental illness, marriage for financial support and in one case, marriage to a woman. I always felt it was there lose and in reality, it was. I learned early in life that the guys with confidence became leaders, made the most money and got the best girls. I studied then and emulated them and as a result I owned my own home at the age of 20 and was one of the top two in my field worldwide before I was 30. I was not the best but I sure was the most confident and the best that the world new about.

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Being cheated on was never considered a confidence thing for me even though my fiancé of 4 years and the girlfriend after her, cheated on me. I do not see what confidence has to do with it since even the most beautiful, famous, rich and powerful people in the world get cheated on. I did lose confidence in monogamy though and my marriage was non monogamous. We lived in a poly triad with my wife's best friend for most of our 45 years of marriage.

 

After my first time being cheated on I picked up a girl I met at a bar and spent 30 days with her until it was her that I loved. Then I moved to another country and she could not get a visa so we said goodbye and within weeks I had a live in girlfriend. She cheated on me, well not exactly. We were in an open relationship and she did the one thing we swore we would not do and that was have sex with anyone that the other knew. She was dating my friend and then asked my three best friends to gang bang her. That was the end of that. That time it took me 3 months before I found another girlfriend and 3 weeks after finding her we were engaged. She became my wife.

 

I had multiple girlfriends at the same time since I was 11. Girls always were attracted to me and mostly wanted sex, not a relationships. Must be my Pheromones of what is said in the article below since I fall into the #1 spot. I always have an abundance of confidence due to the gifts I was born with my accomplishments in love, life and business.

 

My wife often says that she is certain that if she dies before me, I will find a date to bring to her funeral. She used me as bait to get girls into our bed so she could play with them too. Look at it this way, you can be the best football player of your time, but that does not mean you will always play a perfect game or come out on top all the time. To think you will never be cheated on is delusional no matter how great you are. Those who lose confidence from their setbacks are not the ones who go on to be successful despite those setbacks or feel less confident about themselves due to the actions of another.

 

Best way to get over a girl is to get under another. That always worked for me. True story, both girls who cheated on me went on to have horrible lives according to what they told me 35 years later. Drug addiction, unwanted pregnancies, mental illness, marriage for financial support and in one case, marriage to a woman. I always felt it was there lose and in reality, it was. I learned early in life that the guys with confidence became leaders, made the most money and got the best girls. I studied then and emulated them and as a result I owned my own home at the age of 20 and was one of the top two in my field worldwide before I was 30. I was not the best but I sure was the most confident and the best that the world new about.

Not implying any criticism, but just wondering: Do you have kids? How do you explain your worldview to them? You do realize that normal people would not relate to very much of this, right? Except for the propinquity part, i.e., spending 30 days with someone "until it was her that I loved." Heard of that from my husband.
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Short answer?

 

I always knew it was about him, not me.

 

I didn't take it as a blow to my ego, I was angry at him for being such an idiot.

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Well certainly by working on myself, exercise, trying new things, growing myself.

 

But also by turning MY insecurities around back at WW. Was she the best sexual experience I ever had? did some of my ex's (before we met) have things above and beyond my wife (sexier, smarter, whatever), did I have women in my past who looked at me with passion, desire, love? could I get an affair partner if I wanted ?....etc..

 

I never had a revenge affair - but when I started working on myself, growing, becoming more secure - and realizing my WW was not "all that"....my WW actually noticed my physical and mental changes...and she worried for a year or two that I was cheating. I kind of enjoyed that worry - in a bad/good way but without me cheating;)

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Can’t wait to get a taste of that feeling to be honest. My plan is boob job ?sexy photo shoot, get back to a hobby that I love and I would like to make a job one day ( tattoos) and start to go out in the evening at l least once a week, either with my husband or sometimes without, with friends. This might sound stupid but because we have a very small baby I didn’t go out for so long that I really feel the need to go out and feel looked at and appreciated as more than a mum. It’s crazy how being a new mum and being cheated on destroyed my confidence

As a woman. I want to be the person I was before and feel good about myself again.

 

 

Well certainly by working on myself, exercise, trying new things, growing myself.

 

But also by turning MY insecurities around back at WW. Was she the best sexual experience I ever had? did some of my ex's (before we met) have things above and beyond my wife (sexier, smarter, whatever), did I have women in my past who looked at me with passion, desire, love? could I get an affair partner if I wanted ?....etc..

 

I never had a revenge affair - but when I started working on myself, growing, becoming more secure - and realizing my WW was not "all that"....my WW actually noticed my physical and mental changes...and she worried for a year or two that I was cheating. I kind of enjoyed that worry - in a bad/good way but without me cheating;)

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I have rarely shared this - but I had plastic surgery as well as part of the focus on me. Part of it was long due "corrective surgery" well justified, the other surgery was pure vanity touch up. I absolutely postiviely did NOT do it for my wife - My wife was actually against the plastic surgery, but luckily my therapist (another person you should have) was 100% for it. So glad I did.

 

Also here is a sly suggestion, if you do a sexy photo shoot, dont directly present it to you husband as "for him". Kind of keep it "a little" on the down low - not hiding it, but not wrapping it and presenting it to him either. It should be for your sexy mindset.

 

I do suggest you get out of the home both with and without your husband for social activities. Its good for you and for him for you to have some independence. Studies show this type of thing drives some desire from the other spouse. Also when you do something new - its also good for you and your spouse. Ditch the same old.

 

You sound like you have the right mindset now - good for you.

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I am planning a breast augmentation post breastfeeding for more than a year and a half

 

Are you thinking of having more children? If so maybe better to delay the surgery until afterwards.

 

Bigger breasts will not stop your man cheating if he wants to, but it could make breast feeding difficult for you and any new child.

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He ruined my experience of pregnancy and maternity for ever so I have now a subcutaneous contraceptive that covers me for 3 years. Many things can change in 3 years and having more children is at the bottom of my to do list now.plus that is not true, I know plenty of women with implants who breastfed.

Are you thinking of having more children? If so maybe better to delay the surgery until afterwards.

 

Bigger breasts will not stop your man cheating if he wants to, but it could make breast feeding difficult for you and any new child.

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And submit it to suicide girls or any other alternative models agency. Not even hoping to get something out of it but to piss him off a bit for sure, and as an excuse to do the pictures ? he wants to have middle life crisis? I can have it too.

I have rarely shared this - but I had plastic surgery as well as part of the focus on me. Part of it was long due "corrective surgery" well justified, the other surgery was pure vanity touch up. I absolutely postiviely did NOT do it for my wife - My wife was actually against the plastic surgery, but luckily my therapist (another person you should have) was 100% for it. So glad I did.

 

Also here is a sly suggestion, if you do a sexy photo shoot, dont directly present it to you husband as "for him". Kind of keep it "a little" on the down low - not hiding it, but not wrapping it and presenting it to him either. It should be for your sexy mindset.

 

I do suggest you get out of the home both with and without your husband for social activities. Its good for you and for him for you to have some independence. Studies show this type of thing drives some desire from the other spouse. Also when you do something new - its also good for you and your spouse. Ditch the same old.

 

You sound like you have the right mindset now - good for you.

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He ruined my experience of pregnancy and maternity for ever so I have now a subcutaneous contraceptive that covers me for 3 years. Many things can change in 3 years and having more children is at the bottom of my to do list now.plus that is not true, I know plenty of women with implants who breastfed.

 

It is not impossible, only not advisable. It is advised leaving it until you have completed your baby rearing years.

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I say you should file for Divorce. When you see the look of horror on his face, that will boost your confidence.

 

When he begs and pleads to have you take him back, that will not only boost your confidence but also rearrange the power structure of your relationship. Get a postnup agreement to seal the deal, if and when you decide to call off the divorce action.

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I'm just not sure marriage counseling will change his underlying nature that seems to seek thrills, novelty, excitement. He (like my husband and many, many other WSs) LOVE the chase, the teasing, the just-out-of-reach, but they also objectify and enjoy playing with potential mates - and being played with ... FOREVER. They don't really have a clue what makes being married rewarding and different. No. Clue. It is very hard for them to change.

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Just to add:

I actually have absolutely no fear that my husband will ever cheat again or even flirt until I'm out of the picture. He's not particularly attractive any more because of age anyway. But that's not the point. What IS the point is that, even though he won't break the pact again, I think there are ways to cheat internally but, more important, not to work to deepen and enrich the marital relationship. If that is not a priority and an ever-improving reality, in my opinion you have every reason to move on.

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Mrs. John Adams

How do you get your confidence back after an affair...you don't. But you can certainly reach a place of comfort...I had an affair...then my husband had a revenge affair. So we both accomplished destroying each other's self esteem.

Confidence is not what holds a relationship together. Love is. I have tried for 35 years to rebuild in my husband what i have destroyed. It isn't possible. But i have been able to help him see that i love and respect him...I have been able to help him trust me again. The insecurity that he feels will most likely never go away...I destroyed that part of him...that he will never get over...will never get past...will never recover from.

 

but You know ..I really hate this THEY don't get it...THEY will never understand crap...

 

How about if we stop the generalizations about everyone else and instead make statements that only apply to our OWN situations.

 

This horrible cheater has not cheated in 35 freaking years...and she GETS it despite other peoples opinions. yeah...I am old now...and if i wanted to cheat...there are plenty of OLD men that would be willing to help me cheat if that is what i wanted. Cheating is NOT about age...it is a mindset. If a person wants to cheat...they will find a way...despite age, looks, or economic situation.

 

Funny...My husband is 65 years old..and gets HIT on now more than ever....and while I am not the 20 something i was when i cheated...I ain't half bad...at age 62. But you know what...It doesn't matter. Ugly.. old.. fat... people have affairs. As do young fit beautiful people. This is not about how someone looks...it is about how someone THINKS.

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It’s great to hear of your experience. My reason for wanting my confidence back is not to keep my husband from cheating again, it’s about me being at my best either with him or without him, in case he will **** up again. I know that with time and patience on his side this can happen. And I firmly believe that although he hurt me in the worst way possible he always chose me in the end and if he’s interested in keeping his family he’s going to change. If he’s not that interested than we’re not losing much. He’ll be the one missing out on a good partner and his own child. He wants to go for some disposable excitement? Cool for me but he will not get another chance. This said I know he loves me and cares for me so I doubt he’ll do it again, but of course I can’t know for sure. In the meantime i’ll Do my best to feel better in my own skin and find myself again as a woman because it’s the only thing I can possibly do and it will be a win win situation whatever choice he’s going to make in the future.

Thanks again for your honesty.

How do you get your confidence back after an affair...you don't. But you can certainly reach a place of comfort...I had an affair...then my husband had a revenge affair. So we both accomplished destroying each other's self esteem.

Confidence is not what holds a relationship together. Love is. I have tried for 35 years to rebuild in my husband what i have destroyed. It isn't possible. But i have been able to help him see that i love and respect him...I have been able to help him trust me again. The insecurity that he feels will most likely never go away...I destroyed that part of him...that he will never get over...will never get past...will never recover from.

 

but You know ..I really hate this THEY don't get it...THEY will never understand crap...

 

How about if we stop the generalizations about everyone else and instead make statements that only apply to our OWN situations.

 

This horrible cheater has not cheated in 35 freaking years...and she GETS it despite other peoples opinions. yeah...I am old now...and if i wanted to cheat...there are plenty of OLD men that would be willing to help me cheat if that is what i wanted. Cheating is NOT about age...it is a mindset. If a person wants to cheat...they will find a way...despite age, looks, or economic situation.

 

Funny...My husband is 65 years old..and gets HIT on now more than ever....and while I am not the 20 something i was when i cheated...I ain't half bad...at age 62. But you know what...It doesn't matter. Ugly.. old.. fat... people have affairs. As do young fit beautiful people. This is not about how someone looks...it is about how someone THINKS.

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The problem you have is that you are going nowhere and he knows that so any power you have over this situation is really nil.

Yes, you can say "Next time it is definitely divorce", but you have managed to absorb two OWs and you are still hanging in there, so what are the consequences of his actions?

Why would he feel the need to change anything?

 

He is not some horny 25yo who is too young for commitment and wants to sow some wild oats, no, he is a grown up man in his late 30s, do you really think he will change?

 

I get the "Men will be men, and I will just get on with the nest building and child rearing" attitude of some women, but you seem to want the whole "love and fidelity" thing, and that IMV is being very naive here.

 

He has rejected you sexually ever since you got pregnant, no sex for a year and a half, and whilst the sexy photoshoot may be a temporary fix and may be a boost to your confidence, I doubt it will stimulate his desire when living with and sleeping in the same bed with a real live woman ie you, didn't do so.

There is nothing like the love of a good man to build up your confidence, but I think this man will keep sapping your confidence as long as you let him.

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All you’re saying makes sense and yes I want everything, i’m Not the nest building kind of woman. I could have been happy living without children actually, having a traditional family it’s never been a priority for me. But now I do and I have responsibilities. One of these responsibilities is trying to be a happy person so I can be the best parent for my daughter. Getting my confidence back means this. With my husband or alone or with someone else at some point ( having good self confidence also helps make better choices and not settle for the first thing that happens for fear of being alone) I will evaluate my options in general while rebuild my confidence and see what he does in the meantime. Without giving him only the power to decide if I am deserving of feeling loved and wanted and sexy. I love him of course but I will never let him or anyone else have this kind of power over me. My life will only get better from now on, day after day, no matter who’s in it. Me and my daughter for sure, the rest nobody knows.

The problem you have is that you are going nowhere and he knows that so any power you have over this situation is really nil.

Yes, you can say "Next time it is definitely divorce", but you have managed to absorb two OWs and you are still hanging in there, so what are the consequences of his actions?

Why would he feel the need to change anything?

 

He is not some horny 25yo who is too young for commitment and wants to sow some wild oats, no, he is a grown up man in his late 30s, do you really think he will change?

 

I get the "Men will be men, and I will just get on with the nest building and child rearing" attitude of some women, but you seem to want the whole "love and fidelity" thing, and that IMV is being very naive here.

 

He has rejected you sexually ever since you got pregnant, no sex for a year and a half, and whilst the sexy photoshoot may be a temporary fix and may be a boost to your confidence, I doubt it will stimulate his desire when living with and sleeping in the same bed with a real live woman ie you, didn't do so.

There is nothing like the love of a good man to build up your confidence, but I think this man will keep sapping your confidence as long as you let him.

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Betrayed&Stayed
Hi all, I am very interested in hearing your stories as BSs on how did you get your confidence as a woman/man back after being betrayed. ... Thing is that I find myself wondering wtf was Wong with me. Wasn’t I sexy enough? I know I was attractive enough because, without false modesty, I can say that I am more attractive and a more interesting and educated person than the person/people my husband got distracted too. ...Does any of you ever felt this way? How did you move on and felt better about yourself? Thanks

 

Think about this.. even Halle Berry and Shania Twain were cheated on. Do you think they were sexy enough?

 

For me, I never lost my confidence because my wife cheated not because I was a lesser person, she cheated because she was the lesser person. She was the insecure one, not me.

 

I'm confident that if I became single tomorrow, I would have no problem finding quality women to date and to build healthy relationships with.

 

Ester Perez says that cheaters don't cheat to find another partner, they cheat to find another version of themselves.

Edited by Betrayed&Stayed
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TrustedthenBusted

I worked out, got the 6 pack back, and started doing more things alone or with my friends. Going out. Going to parties. Big group camping trips. That sort of stuff. The stuff I enjoyed, but had often forgone. Sometimes so that SHE could go out and cheat on me.

 

The market responded pretty quickly and it was clear that " I still had it."

 

Perhaps not the healthiest way to respord confidence, but it worked. Particularly when some of the women who were interested were younger than my wife and attractive.

 

Once I felt like I could at least go out and do the same thing she did, I no longer felt the need or urge to. I just needed to know that I COULD.

 

After that, I took on a more healthy perspective, and just did things I liked because I liked them, and for no other reason.

 

I realized that I wasn't the one who needed help with his confidence. She was.

 

Once that realization took hold, I never looked back.

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