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I cheated on my husband.


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Old 10th November 2017, 9:02 AM   #1
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I cheated on my husband.

Hello, I am new to this and coming here for outside advice. I am lost at this moment and do not know which way to turn. Please do not judge or bash me for I am doing plenty of that to myself. I need help understanding my feelings.


First of all the problem plain and simple: I cheated on my husband.


Some background:
This is our 12th year of marriage and we have one amazing daughter that we both love dearly. She is now 9 years old. The first 10 years of our marriage was wonderful, not to say we didn't have our ups and downs like all marriages but nothing that was major. We both loved each other with everything we had and life was essentially perfect. So I thought...


Four years ago, I found out my husband had been talking/texting another woman. I immediately confronted him and was infuriated/hurt/confused. I didn't know what to think. I blamed myself. Where did I go wrong? What was I not giving my husband that caused him to seek outside of our marriage? As far as I knew we had always been open and honest about everything. No trust issues whatsoever, sex life was great, we were happy and just living life. Of course he tried to deny it and act like it didn't happen but when I showed him that I found some of the messages and his plan to go to this womans house after I had went to bed that night he fessed up. He said he was lonely and he didn't want anything out of it. He just wanted to feel wanted and see if he still had that potential to get someone else.


After acting a complete fool I calmed down and tried to actually think about the situation. This had to be my fault. I wasn't giving him enough attention. I wasn't enough for him when he needed me to be. He was begging for forgiveness and didn't want me to leave. Ok, so I am doing my best to be understanding and forgiving. We move on with me making it a point to make him feel wanted and needed. Bending over backwards to make him feel loved. Yes, I would revert back and have resentment and say nasty things at times referring to the other woman but who wouldn't, right? I was working on getting past it, the comments became less and less. I actually thought things were going to be okay and we were going to be able to move on together.


Fast forward a few months: He starts acting funny. wouldn't leave his phone laying around, when he did he made sure to lay it facedown, started smoking a LOT more than normal (no smoking in our house so it gave him the opportunity to be outside more), staying out in our shop more often, accusing me of off the wall things. So I ask him if something is going on or if something is wrong. He would get defensive and tell me I was wrong & overreacting or was feeling guilty for something I must be doing. At this point I had never cheated or even thought about another man in that way. Well one night I looked out the window and noticed him to be a phone that was not his normal phone while he was outside smoking. I didn't say anything and waited for him to go to sleep. After some detective skills I found the phone outside in our shop plugged in to the charger. It was a gophone that he had purchased to text the same woman he was talking to before. I woke him up and asked if there was anything he needed to tell me. No there wasn't. blah blah you know he even tried to deny it after I handed him the phone he was hiding. Then we were back to he was so sorry and he loves me yada yada. So we go on and Im working on forgiving him yet again.


I decided I needed some time to myself to think so I try to go stay at my moms alone for a night or two. But he comes there. And will not leave until I come home. I end up coming home because it is just easier that way. At least I will be able to sleep and my child will be able to sleep. Then later I literally move my stuff out to a rent house where he comes every night when he gets off work and sits in the driveway. This went on for about a week. I was going crazy. I have never been so upset or lost in my life. I didn't know how to forgive or forget and move on. I wanted to... or did I?


I ended up getting on facebook and messaging an ex. Wrong move, I know but I did it. We started talking more and more. He is a sweet talker and had me in love all over again... or was it lust? I wanted to believe that someone really did love me. My husband ended up finding out. It was terrible. I felt absolutely horrible. I told him the whole truth. I felt like my intentions were to make him feel the pain I was feeling over his "affair." That was honestly what I felt like I was doing but in doing this I started having feelings for the other man. My husband forgave me and I quit talking to the other man. Then the comments came. One after another. Neither of trusted each other. Fight after fight happened.


Then along came snapchat. I snap chatted lots of friends and my husband. He had snap chat. He ended up snap chatting my best friend want pictures of her "booty." I called him out. We both delete snapchat. We both delete facebook. The comments of my "affair" kept coming. But the were warranted, right. I deserve it. I quit commenting about the other woman. I still feel horrible, miserable even.
About a year later I ended up reaching out to the other man again. He consoled me, he was there for me, he said all the right things. I cheated on my husband with this other man. Now what do I do? I love my husband. But how could I do such a thing if I loved him? What is wrong with me? I think all these thoughts but continue to have an affair with the other man. My husband finds out again. He is angry, he is sad, he is heartbroken. I am confused, lost, lonely, I hate myself. He tries to talk to me about it and wants to know why. why did I do this. Why is he number 2? Do I really love him? How can he trust me again? I try to find these answers but I come up with nothing. I don't know why. I do not have an excuse.
I eventually come to the conclusion that I am unable to get past his "affair." But in his eyes, that was 4 years ago, she didn't mean anything, and it was only messaging, there were no real feelings, and it feels like it wasn't even real at all. Those are his words. I find myself turning everything into it being about the other woman. I get angry when he asks me about my affair. How do I even have the right to be angry? He shouldn't even be speaking to me after what I have done. I can't get past his messaging affair but I expect him to get past my actual affair? I don't know what im doing anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what will make me happy. How am I being so selfish to think about what would make me happy? Shouldn't I be thinking about how to make my husband happy? How to make him trust me again? How to make him feel loved and like he is not number 2?



I thought I wanted to leave. I thought I wanted out of the marriage. I have told him I feel like I need some time to think, to find out if I am actually happy in our marriage. How am I going to make him happy if I'm not happy? My husband is trying to be so understanding and has even been apologizing to me. I do not deserve this man and he deserves SO much more than what I have given him the last couple of years. I know that. I have been honest with him about my feelings. He will be so nice to me one minute then the next he is down my throat with all the questions again. It is driving me crazy. He has been taking off work early so that he can be home when I get off work so that he knows I am home. The other day when I pulled in at home he was outside and was angry at me because he could hear my music when I pulled up and I had my sunglasses on. He said when he is depressed he doesn't even turn the radio on so how could I be depressed and down acting like that. It wasn't even loud. It was just on. I couldn't even tell you what song was playing. He constantly goes through my phone. It is maddening the way he is doing. I try to explain this to him but he doesn't get it. I feel like I should be more understanding that he is going to check up on me but isn't this a little extreme?


He has even gone so far as if I was truly sorry I would show him how much I wanted him. I would be doing sexual favors for him all over the house. That is the only thing that takes his mind off it so I should do it all the time. He even said I owed it to him. I explained to him that making me feel like I HAVE to do it does not make me want him. If anything it makes me resent him and not want to do anything sexual at all. I told him it made me feel like a whore to which he replied, "you are."


I know this whole situation is not being fair to anyone but I can't seem to make myself make a change. I try to leave my husband but I see the pain in his eyes and it kills me. I worry about him. I don't want him to be alone. When I do try to leave I am threatened with him taking our daughter away from me. He makes me feel guilty. He argues with me about it in front of our daughter. She is 9 years old. She cries because we fight so much. I feel so guilty on every level and even truly hate myself. But I continue to text with the other man.... Do I even know what I want?


If anyone actually made it all the way to the end of this post and has any good advice please share it with me. It would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.
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Old 10th November 2017, 9:27 AM   #2
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You both damaged each other and ultimately hurt your child.
You had the perfect marriage but he chose to talk to another woman instead of relying on you, his wife.
He lied multiple times about HIS affair (no doubt about it.). And started smoking due to all the stress he placed on himself instead of working out together issues in the marriage.
You feel cheated on and blame yourself. Even though he broke the marriage contract.
You relied on your ex, who you ultimately had a great sex life with. To console your low ego during your marriage difficulties.
You traded your self esteem and moral obligations for a romp in the hay to make you feel better.
You and he have communication issues that are not resolved and ultimately fall upon your kid.
This "one-upmanship" will go nowhere and you and he will fail. Your child will be the ultimate loser.
I say if you can both call a truce, get your butts to some professional help.

I will say it once again. "Marriage is between 2 people in becoming one." To have and hold, in sickness and in health..yada yada yada...If this means anything to you two, Get professional help and make your child's life the center of the universe.
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Old 10th November 2017, 9:39 AM   #3
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He is treating you like that because that is how he sees you now, sadly

I wouldn't do him him any sexual favors under those conditions. You aren't his sex slave.
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Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 11th November 2017 at 6:23 AM..
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:02 AM   #4
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If he sees you as a loose person, there goes any respect he has for you. No respect=dead marriage. Divorce.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 11th November 2017 at 6:23 AM..
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:16 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Losingeverything View Post
If anyone actually made it all the way to the end of this post and has any good advice please share it with me. It would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.
He texted a woman.... you slept with another guy. That's like the difference between a papercut and a knife wound.

Here is the thing... he clearly messed up. You had the choice to walk out on him or forgive him. You lied and did neither. This situation is now entirely your fault and it really isn't something you can fix. You threw away any chance of fixing this by having a physical affair.

My advice is this... either get into marriage counseling or file for divorce. Your daughter deserved better from both of you... but it looks like neither of you are willing to put her first. You cannot a good mother unless you are a good wife first, and he cannot be a good father unless he is a good husband. Look at what you are teaching her... constant fighting... cheating... degrading each other.
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:16 AM   #6
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You two are going to need a good MC.

Not to diminish your pain. Just trying to put things in
your WH/BH's perspective. Your PA was way worse then
his EA.

Men can get over a WW having an EA much easier then their
WW having a PA and it is the opposite for women.

Two wrongs never make things right. They only make things
worse because of the double damage.

Cleary neither one of you have the skills to handle this trauma
alone without professional help.

There is a good chance that your marriage can be saved with a
lot of work though. The first thing you have to do is own your
own affair. Stop blaming your WH/BH for you having an affair.

You knew having an affair was wrong, yet you chose to do so.

Next tell your, with compassion and tact that WH/BH that your
OM did not get sex whenever he demanded sex. Yes it may appear
that whenever the OM wanted sex he got it but he did not
demand sex. Yes you gave the OM sex because he courted you
and made you want to give him sex. Tell your WH/BH that the
path back to recovery is to court each other again to restore
the sexual feelings.
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Old 10th November 2017, 10:59 AM   #7
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Start by being honest, tell him the depth of your affairs. Does he know about your second affair? Get yourselves into independent counselling, you both need to find out why you need validation from other people, why validation from each other isn't enough. What you are both doing to your innocent 9 year old daughter just breaks my heart, shame on you both. Parents are supposed to protect their children, they are supposed to give their children every opportunity to succeed in life not handicap them.

Don't even think about marriage counselling until you have both had independent professional help with someone experienced in infidelity. You may decide you don't want to be married to each other but you still need to find a way to co parent. If only you both put as much effort into your marriage as you have being unfaithful to each other, what a shame. Don't try and fix this on your own because it hasn't worked so far, just look at the state of your relationship. Perhaps if you decide to stay together you both need to give each other a brutal post nuptial agreement with a huge financial consequence if anyone of you is unfaithful again because your words and promises mean about as much as the defecation you have performed on your marriage.
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Old 10th November 2017, 12:08 PM   #8
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First off...

First off... Let's get off of OP's back for a second.

OP, How is it that you know that your husband did not sleep with this other woman? How do you know that it was just messaging.

Was she in another country and she has not traveled to your area, ever? Or him, he has not traveled anywhere?

Was it because he told you so? Because if that was the reason for your belief, let's just stop right there. You never believe a cheater, ever. You should know that, your affair is still going on.

If she is local within any type of driving distance, he was sleeping with her. So we need those questions answered. And, if it was 4 years ago, SO WHAT? It takes years to get over and affair.

Your husband had an affair, and gas lighted you (Lied and made you feel like it was all your fault) and everything that you are doing to him now.

So, step one is to realize that your and your H never got over his affair. In fact, both of you did everything wrong. Both of you actually did the opposite of what you should have done.

Now, Questions for you. Are you still sleeping with your OM? And, if you are still contacting him, even via text, then your are still having an affair.

Here is the problem, you guys are still doing everything wrong.

All the sexual stuff that jabs from him have to stop. Also, you are allowing him to railroad you about your affair, just like he railroaded you about his affair. All of this crap has to stop from both sides.

So answer these questions that I have asked and I will have more to tell you at that time.

And yes, if both of you grow up, this can be fixed if you both want it. But both of you need to decide if you both want to be married and not married for the sake of your children....
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Old 10th November 2017, 12:45 PM   #9
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Losingeverything View Post
Hello, I am new to this and coming here for outside advice. I am lost at this moment and do not know which way to turn. Please do not judge or bash me for I am doing plenty of that to myself. I need help understanding my feelings.


First of all the problem plain and simple: I cheated on my husband.


Some background:
This is our 12th year of marriage and we have one amazing daughter that we both love dearly. She is now 9 years old. The first 10 years of our marriage was wonderful, not to say we didn't have our ups and downs like all marriages but nothing that was major. We both loved each other with everything we had and life was essentially perfect. So I thought...


Four years ago, I found out my husband had been talking/texting another woman. I immediately confronted him and was infuriated/hurt/confused. I didn't know what to think. I blamed myself. Where did I go wrong? What was I not giving my husband that caused him to seek outside of our marriage? As far as I knew we had always been open and honest about everything. No trust issues whatsoever, sex life was great, we were happy and just living life. Of course he tried to deny it and act like it didn't happen but when I showed him that I found some of the messages and his plan to go to this womans house after I had went to bed that night he fessed up. He said he was lonely and he didn't want anything out of it. He just wanted to feel wanted and see if he still had that potential to get someone else.


After acting a complete fool I calmed down and tried to actually think about the situation. This had to be my fault. I wasn't giving him enough attention. I wasn't enough for him when he needed me to be. He was begging for forgiveness and didn't want me to leave. Ok, so I am doing my best to be understanding and forgiving. We move on with me making it a point to make him feel wanted and needed. Bending over backwards to make him feel loved. Yes, I would revert back and have resentment and say nasty things at times referring to the other woman but who wouldn't, right? I was working on getting past it, the comments became less and less. I actually thought things were going to be okay and we were going to be able to move on together.


Fast forward a few months: He starts acting funny. wouldn't leave his phone laying around, when he did he made sure to lay it facedown, started smoking a LOT more than normal (no smoking in our house so it gave him the opportunity to be outside more), staying out in our shop more often, accusing me of off the wall things. So I ask him if something is going on or if something is wrong. He would get defensive and tell me I was wrong & overreacting or was feeling guilty for something I must be doing. At this point I had never cheated or even thought about another man in that way. Well one night I looked out the window and noticed him to be a phone that was not his normal phone while he was outside smoking. I didn't say anything and waited for him to go to sleep. After some detective skills I found the phone outside in our shop plugged in to the charger. It was a gophone that he had purchased to text the same woman he was talking to before. I woke him up and asked if there was anything he needed to tell me. No there wasn't. blah blah you know he even tried to deny it after I handed him the phone he was hiding. Then we were back to he was so sorry and he loves me yada yada. So we go on and Im working on forgiving him yet again.


I decided I needed some time to myself to think so I try to go stay at my moms alone for a night or two. But he comes there. And will not leave until I come home. I end up coming home because it is just easier that way. At least I will be able to sleep and my child will be able to sleep. Then later I literally move my stuff out to a rent house where he comes every night when he gets off work and sits in the driveway. This went on for about a week. I was going crazy. I have never been so upset or lost in my life. I didn't know how to forgive or forget and move on. I wanted to... or did I?


I ended up getting on facebook and messaging an ex. Wrong move, I know but I did it. We started talking more and more. He is a sweet talker and had me in love all over again... or was it lust? I wanted to believe that someone really did love me. My husband ended up finding out. It was terrible. I felt absolutely horrible. I told him the whole truth. I felt like my intentions were to make him feel the pain I was feeling over his "affair." That was honestly what I felt like I was doing but in doing this I started having feelings for the other man. My husband forgave me and I quit talking to the other man. Then the comments came. One after another. Neither of trusted each other. Fight after fight happened.


Then along came snapchat. I snap chatted lots of friends and my husband. He had snap chat. He ended up snap chatting my best friend want pictures of her "booty." I called him out. We both delete snapchat. We both delete facebook. The comments of my "affair" kept coming. But the were warranted, right. I deserve it. I quit commenting about the other woman. I still feel horrible, miserable even.
About a year later I ended up reaching out to the other man again. He consoled me, he was there for me, he said all the right things. I cheated on my husband with this other man. Now what do I do? I love my husband. But how could I do such a thing if I loved him? What is wrong with me? I think all these thoughts but continue to have an affair with the other man. My husband finds out again. He is angry, he is sad, he is heartbroken. I am confused, lost, lonely, I hate myself. He tries to talk to me about it and wants to know why. why did I do this. Why is he number 2? Do I really love him? How can he trust me again? I try to find these answers but I come up with nothing. I don't know why. I do not have an excuse.
I eventually come to the conclusion that I am unable to get past his "affair." But in his eyes, that was 4 years ago, she didn't mean anything, and it was only messaging, there were no real feelings, and it feels like it wasn't even real at all. Those are his words. I find myself turning everything into it being about the other woman. I get angry when he asks me about my affair. How do I even have the right to be angry? He shouldn't even be speaking to me after what I have done. I can't get past his messaging affair but I expect him to get past my actual affair? I don't know what im doing anymore. I don't even know who I am anymore. I don't know what will make me happy. How am I being so selfish to think about what would make me happy? Shouldn't I be thinking about how to make my husband happy? How to make him trust me again? How to make him feel loved and like he is not number 2?



I thought I wanted to leave. I thought I wanted out of the marriage. I have told him I feel like I need some time to think, to find out if I am actually happy in our marriage. How am I going to make him happy if I'm not happy? My husband is trying to be so understanding and has even been apologizing to me. I do not deserve this man and he deserves SO much more than what I have given him the last couple of years. I know that. I have been honest with him about my feelings. He will be so nice to me one minute then the next he is down my throat with all the questions again. It is driving me crazy. He has been taking off work early so that he can be home when I get off work so that he knows I am home. The other day when I pulled in at home he was outside and was angry at me because he could hear my music when I pulled up and I had my sunglasses on. He said when he is depressed he doesn't even turn the radio on so how could I be depressed and down acting like that. It wasn't even loud. It was just on. I couldn't even tell you what song was playing. He constantly goes through my phone. It is maddening the way he is doing. I try to explain this to him but he doesn't get it. I feel like I should be more understanding that he is going to check up on me but isn't this a little extreme?


He has even gone so far as if I was truly sorry I would show him how much I wanted him. I would be doing sexual favors for him all over the house. That is the only thing that takes his mind off it so I should do it all the time. He even said I owed it to him. I explained to him that making me feel like I HAVE to do it does not make me want him. If anything it makes me resent him and not want to do anything sexual at all. I told him it made me feel like a whore to which he replied, "you are."


I know this whole situation is not being fair to anyone but I can't seem to make myself make a change. I try to leave my husband but I see the pain in his eyes and it kills me. I worry about him. I don't want him to be alone. When I do try to leave I am threatened with him taking our daughter away from me. He makes me feel guilty. He argues with me about it in front of our daughter. She is 9 years old. She cries because we fight so much. I feel so guilty on every level and even truly hate myself. But I continue to text with the other man.... Do I even know what I want?


If anyone actually made it all the way to the end of this post and has any good advice please share it with me. It would be greatly appreciated! Thank you in advance.
I am sorry for all your pain, firstly stop blaming yourself, itís not all you, you both made bad choices, think of your daughter right now and whatís best for her. Try counseling and get her some too. Good luck
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Old 10th November 2017, 1:56 PM   #10
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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
First off... Let's get off of OP's back for a second.

OP, How is it that you know that your husband did not sleep with this other woman? How do you know that it was just messaging.


I am taking his word for it. He told me that he did not sleep with her.

Was she in another country and she has not traveled to your area, ever? Or him, he has not traveled anywhere?

Was it because he told you so? Because if that was the reason for your belief, let's just stop right there. You never believe a cheater, ever. You should know that, your affair is still going on.


Ouch, that is very true.

If she is local within any type of driving distance, he was sleeping with her. So we need those questions answered. And, if it was 4 years ago, SO WHAT? It takes years to get over and affair.



Unfortunately she lives about 10 minutes away from our house.

Your husband had an affair, and gas lighted you (Lied and made you feel like it was all your fault) and everything that you are doing to him now.


I'm not sure that he made me feel like it was my fault. The first time, it was my feelings that it was my fault. I don't recall him actually pointing fingers at me and blaming me.

So, step one is to realize that your and your H never got over his affair. In fact, both of you did everything wrong. Both of you actually did the opposite of what you should have done.


I have come to this very conclusion but my husband doesn't agree. He truly believes that it has absolutely nothing to do with his affair and only gets infuriated when I mention that I think it is the cause. Then I start feeling guilty just for thinking that it may be the cause of my affair. It makes me feel as though I am trying to push blame for my wrong doings on him.

Now, Questions for you. Are you still sleeping with your OM? And, if you are still contacting him, even via text, then your are still having an affair.


I am not sleeping with him but I do speak with him pretty frequently. I have legit feelings for him. But how? How can I have feelings for him when I know I love my husband?

Here is the problem, you guys are still doing everything wrong.

All the sexual stuff that jabs from him have to stop. Also, you are allowing him to railroad you about your affair, just like he railroaded you about his affair. All of this crap has to stop from both sides.


I completely agree. I do my best not to throw any jabs at him but after so many are thrown at me I feel like a teenager that can no longer control my tongue. I often find myself just sitting on the couch staring at the floor while he tells me how awful I have made him feel. I just sit quietly hoping it will stop eventually. This happens mostly when our daughter is around. I try my best not to mention anything about any of it in front of her but he brings it up whenever it is on his mind, which is non stop, no matter who is around.

So answer these questions that I have asked and I will have more to tell you at that time.

And yes, if both of you grow up, this can be fixed if you both want it. But both of you need to decide if you both want to be married and not married for the sake of your children....

First off... Let's get off of OP's back for a second.

OP, How is it that you know that your husband did not sleep with this other woman? How do you know that it was just messaging.


I am taking his word for it. He told me that he did not sleep with her.

Was she in another country and she has not traveled to your area, ever? Or him, he has not traveled anywhere?

Was it because he told you so? Because if that was the reason for your belief, let's just stop right there. You never believe a cheater, ever. You should know that, your affair is still going on.


Ouch, that is very true.

If she is local within any type of driving distance, he was sleeping with her. So we need those questions answered. And, if it was 4 years ago, SO WHAT? It takes years to get over and affair.



Unfortunately she lives about 10 minutes away from our house.

Your husband had an affair, and gas lighted you (Lied and made you feel like it was all your fault) and everything that you are doing to him now.


I'm not sure that he made me feel like it was my fault. The first time, it was my feelings that it was my fault. I don't recall him actually pointing fingers at me and blaming me.

So, step one is to realize that your and your H never got over his affair. In fact, both of you did everything wrong. Both of you actually did the opposite of what you should have done.


I have come to this very conclusion but my husband doesn't agree. He truly believes that it has absolutely nothing to do with his affair and only gets infuriated when I mention that I think it is the cause. Then I start feeling guilty just for thinking that it may be the cause of my affair. It makes me feel as though I am trying to push blame for my wrong doings on him.

Now, Questions for you. Are you still sleeping with your OM? And, if you are still contacting him, even via text, then your are still having an affair.


I am not sleeping with him but I do speak with him pretty frequently. I have legit feelings for him. But how? How can I have feelings for him when I know I love my husband?

Here is the problem, you guys are still doing everything wrong.

All the sexual stuff that jabs from him have to stop. Also, you are allowing him to railroad you about your affair, just like he railroaded you about his affair. All of this crap has to stop from both sides.


I completely agree. I do my best not to throw any jabs at him but after so many are thrown at me I feel like a teenager that can no longer control my tongue. I often find myself just sitting on the couch staring at the floor while he tells me how awful I have made him feel. I just sit quietly hoping it will stop eventually. This happens mostly when our daughter is around. I try my best not to mention anything about any of it in front of her but he brings it up whenever it is on his mind, which is non stop, no matter who is around.

So answer these questions that I have asked and I will have more to tell you at that time.

And yes, if both of you grow up, this can be fixed if you both want it. But both of you need to decide if you both want to be married and not married for the sake of your children....[/QUOTE]




Thank you so much for your time. I greatly appreciate the incite from a neutral source!!
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Old 10th November 2017, 3:41 PM   #11
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Op...

So he has been lying for 4 years. of course he slept with her.

That is what gas lighting is all about.

And I am not really neutral, I have been on both sides.

Your H is a hypocrite, he absolutely slept with her, more than once. If you don't believe me, tell him that you want a polygraph from him about his affair and be prepared to take one yourself.

But you have to stop letting him berate you about your affair. Like yesterday. He did the same thing and he has been lying about it the whole time.

Adults in an affair, in close proximity, have sex. You did, and so did he.

You are both going to have to be totally honest about everything in both of your affairs, or you do not stand a chance.

His affair was not your fault and your affair is not his fault. But both of you are lying and both of you are gas lighting and that will never work.

If you want to be married to him, IF, then you both have to come clean.

And you have to go NC with your OM and stop your affair NOW.

We can give you all the other steps, after you both agree to come clean with each other. If you don't, you may as well file for divorce now because that is where it is headed...
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:39 PM   #12
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Originally Posted by Losingeverything View Post
I completely agree. I do my best not to throw any jabs at him but after so many are thrown at me I feel like a teenager that can no longer control my tongue. I often find myself just sitting on the couch staring at the floor while he tells me how awful I have made him feel. I just sit quietly hoping it will stop eventually. This happens mostly when our daughter is around. I try my best not to mention anything about any of it in front of her but he brings it up whenever it is on his mind, which is non stop, no matter who is around.

Thank you so much for your time. I greatly appreciate the incite from a neutral source!!
Your husband is trying to hurt you. He is trying to make you feel the pain he feels. That's why he gets so upset that you don't seem depressed to him.

His reaction makes me think he did not sleep with the Other Woman. He is very angry that he gave up sex to stay with you, but then you go sleeping with another guy behind his back. It doesn't feel fair. It hurts. He wants you to hurt too. He wants to make it feel fair.

He knows your cheating is related to his cheating. He will never admit it because to his mind... he didn't actually cheat. Let's be honest... he seems very bad at hiding these things to the point of being inept.

I don't think he will be able to get past this until he feels the situation is fair and that he thinks you hurt as bad as he does. I suggest if you stick this out to get into therapy or counseling. You need a format where you can talk to each other honestly about feelings in order to move past... or maybe to move on.
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Old 10th November 2017, 4:55 PM   #13
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Just have to completely disagree in every way...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Cobra_X View Post
Your husband is trying to hurt you. He is trying to make you feel the pain he feels. That's why he gets so upset that you don't seem depressed to him.

His reaction makes me think he did not sleep with the Other Woman. He is very angry that he gave up sex to stay with you, but then you go sleeping with another guy behind his back. It doesn't feel fair. It hurts. He wants you to hurt too. He wants to make it feel fair.

He knows your cheating is related to his cheating. He will never admit it because to his mind... he didn't actually cheat. Let's be honest... he seems very bad at hiding these things to the point of being inept.

I don't think he will be able to get past this until he feels the situation is fair and that he thinks you hurt as bad as he does. I suggest if you stick this out to get into therapy or counseling. You need a format where you can talk to each other honestly about feelings in order to move past... or maybe to move on.

Just have to completely disagree in every way..

His OW lives 10 minutes away and he did not sleep with her? He is either the biggest puss that ever lived or he is lying. I am betting on lying.

Again, Adults have sex, we are not talking about teenagers here. He had at least 2 D-Days and he did not sleep with her. About a .0009% chance of that happening.

And lets not assume that an emotional affair does not hurt. People have divorced over them.

OP's husband is a liar and he has been lying for at least 4 years.

However, on the off chance that I am wrong, and I don't think I am, they both have to either come clean, and really talk and deal with the affairs or they need to divorce.

Bottom line...
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Old 10th November 2017, 5:32 PM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Just have to completely disagree in every way..

His OW lives 10 minutes away and he did not sleep with her? He is either the biggest puss that ever lived or he is lying. I am betting on lying.

Again, Adults have sex, we are not talking about teenagers here. He had at least 2 D-Days and he did not sleep with her. About a .0009% chance of that happening.

And lets not assume that an emotional affair does not hurt. People have divorced over them.

OP's husband is a liar and he has been lying for at least 4 years.

However, on the off chance that I am wrong, and I don't think I am, they both have to either come clean, and really talk and deal with the affairs or they need to divorce.

Bottom line...
I think he's lying too. She had a revenge affair, doesn't make right (I am a madhatter too btw that's what they call us) but definitely just complicated the whole situation!
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Old 11th November 2017, 12:04 AM   #15
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Hi Folks, after reading the OP by Losing and the responses by other folk on here, I can only draw one conclusion. This marriage was made in Hell and was not meant to last. The two people in the union do not respect each other and apparently came together only to inflict insult and injury on each other. Everyday they stay together is occasion to hammer in another nail in the coffin of their marriage. The saddest thing about it all is that their darling daughter has become collateral damage for their selfish so called adult behaviour.

These two are like trying to pair a camel with a giraffe. The compatibility level between those two may be better than it is between these two. So to my mind there is only one viable solution to this mess of a marriage. DIVORCE and like yesterday. Any other attempts at resolving matters is like administering life support to a person in deep coma with a zero chance of survival. I'm sorry but that is my distinct impression about this marriage. Best wishes.
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