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Just found out my gf of almost 4 years wants to sleep with her boss


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Old 8th November 2017, 9:05 PM   #1
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Just found out my gf of almost 4 years wants to sleep with her boss

So ive been with her for almost 4 years, everythings been great until tonight. The way she spoke about her boss to me started to worry me and i know its bad but i fogured id check her internet history and its packed full of google searched stating "i want to sleep with my boss" "monogamy" "my boss wants to sleep with me" ect... on top of that there was a couple of searches about "how to pluck up the courage to kill myself".as you can imagine im pretty disturbed right now, as far as im aware everything has been great, we have no money troubles, we travel together all the time, we have it pretty good and im totally in love with her, and i dont know what to think right now.
I know she has anxiety issues, but im not counting that as an excuse to cheat. I dont think she has cheated, she usually tells me everything. Shes an attractive woman, so she does tend to get hit on and im ok with that because i do trust her.

But this has really knocked me for seven, should i still trust her? Im planning to confront her about it tomorrow when she gets back from work...

And i dont even know what to think about the suicide talk... i have no idea how to deal with that information. Im really worried so if anyones dealt with anything similar to thia i could really use some advice.

Last edited by Robbierob; 8th November 2017 at 9:08 PM..
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Old 8th November 2017, 9:20 PM   #2
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what result do you want from the confrontation?

if you confront in an angry way, it is likely that she will be angry back, and your relationship will get worse

say what you want (anything you like) but with a non-angry tone of voice, and watch her body language and hear her words. See the real her. You might need several conversations to get to the truth. Take it slowly then to get to the bottom of the story.
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:14 PM   #3
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"Confrontation" is not what you want. That approach is not one that lends itself to great communication, which is what you need. Hopefully, confront was not really the word you wanted to use.

Darkmoon is right. This is a conversation of concern and support, beginning with her feelings of suicide, I'd hope.

Maybe she is feeling trapped, maybe a boss is making sexual advances, sleep with him or commit suicide? You know she has anxiety issues.

I know you must be feeling scared about your relationship; you have every right to....BUT, stop thinking about you, and, at least, first worry about her.

If it turns out the other way and she is not feeling trapped in a bad situation, then the conversation can make a natural turn in that direction, but I would definitely approach it from a real concern about her first.

Hope that makes sense....and best of luck.
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:33 PM   #4
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I did not quite mean that though

for you do not want to either put words in her mouth or play the pity-card for her

I meant "I found searches about sleeping with the boss and about suicide - why did you make these two searches?"

just listen to what she says back, then proceed to evaluate before the next convo, if a next one is required

Last edited by darkmoon; 8th November 2017 at 10:38 PM..
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:51 PM   #5
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Thanks guys, i did mean talk to her, not confront.

She does feel trapped, a few people she works with kind of bully her, or at the very least they arent very nice to her. I dont know the whole situation as im not there I can only understand from what she tells me. Over the last couple of weeks shes said she wants to quit her job because of how shes treated by a few of the people she works with. But its nearly christmas and we are going on holiday in december, so its not a great time for her to put herself out of work...

I'm more worried about her than myself, but I still feel betrayed, I cant think of anything that I personally have done to drive her away. Im not even sure if thats whats happening here.

Everything still seems completely fine, I know her boss has been flirting with her, at one point she was actually going to send a letter to head office about it. But now hes "her best friend at work". Im just really confused, i dont even know where to begin.
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Old 8th November 2017, 11:03 PM   #6
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You say you have been with this lady for almost four years, you love her and you two have a great relationship, but has there been any discussion of marriage? Have you proposed? She may be wondering where this relationship and her life is going. You may be comfortable with this relationship, but is she? You might want to bring up this issue when you talk with her.
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Old 8th November 2017, 11:14 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Robbierob View Post
So ive been with her for almost 4 years, everythings been great until tonight. The way she spoke about her boss to me started to worry me and i know its bad but i fogured id check her internet history and its packed full of google searched stating "i want to sleep with my boss" "monogamy" "my boss wants to sleep with me" ect... on top of that there was a couple of searches about "how to pluck up the courage to kill myself".as you can imagine im pretty disturbed right now, as far as im aware everything has been great, we have no money troubles, we travel together all the time, we have it pretty good and im totally in love with her, and i dont know what to think right now.
I know she has anxiety issues, but im not counting that as an excuse to cheat. I dont think she has cheated, she usually tells me everything. Shes an attractive woman, so she does tend to get hit on and im ok with that because i do trust her.



But this has really knocked me for seven, should i still trust her? Im planning to confront her about it tomorrow when she gets back from work...

And i dont even know what to think about the suicide talk... i have no idea how to deal with that information. Im really worried so if anyones dealt with anything similar to thia i could really use some advice.

I wouldn't mention the Internet searches and give her the chance to tell how she feels about the relationship. If you feel like she is lying, then I would mention you "came upon" the search history.

Usually, when women cheat or think of cheating, most of the times it's emotional. So, maybe she is not getting something from you and feels her Boss can give that to her, like affectionate, support, giving her compliments,etc.

As for the suicide, mention you are alarmed and tell her if she feels that way, you are willing to support her. It may be nothing though.
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Old 8th November 2017, 11:42 PM   #8
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The reason they are treating her this way might be because of her relationship with her boss. They might see what your is going on.

By her internet searches it sounds as if her boss has let her know he is interested is her.

She is at the very least having a emotional affair.
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Old 8th November 2017, 11:50 PM   #9
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As for the suicide thoughts.

It could be a combination of pressure from her boss, guilt because she wants to sleep with him and the bullying by the coworkers.

First think, to hell with the vacation plans and she needs to quit the kid yesterday.

Be up front and honest about what you know and how you know it. Be kind about it and the way you proceed from here.
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Old 9th November 2017, 12:20 AM   #10
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"I want to sleep with my boss"

That pretty much says it all right there. You now know how much she respects you and your relationship with her.

She didn't search "My boss is pressuring me to sleep with him". She searched " I want to sleep with my boss".

Do you really want to be with a girl that admittedly wants to have sex with a man that is in a position of superiority over her who she sees approximately 5 times a week? She's already in at least an EA with him, even if it is one sided which I doubt bc the suicide search makes it look like its about to go physical and she's having a hard time with the guilt.

You're not married. No mention of kids.

This answer won't be popular, but a clean break now is the answer. It frees her up to be with her boss guilt free and the suicide thoughts should be gone. And it frees you up to find a partner that you deserve.

Last edited by GoldenR; 9th November 2017 at 12:23 AM..
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Old 9th November 2017, 2:21 AM   #11
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As a mid level boss (manager) to VP and even office President for a short while, never had any woman ask to sleep with me, grab my crotch, or hang their boobs over me. Never. Maybe I give off a boy scout -dad- vibe (i do ), or maybe its more about the profession I am in - but never had any problems. I also just have not seen anything usual in the office or from fellow managers. Worst was a bit of fawning or excessive compliments to senior managers - but heck I do a bit of that myself to higher ups.

If your GF's boss has expressed direct interest in sleeping with her - then his career is at risk. I can't tell you the amount of harassment training I have had in the last 20 years but recently its gotten to 6 hours of training (with tests I need to pass) every two years in my role. they also have different training for managers then staff - its very clear what will happen if a compliant is lodged. Company emails and phones will be examined and a full investigation will happen if even a "peep" is raised to HR about a boss having relationships with staff. Even a sexist comment or joke is enough to get you in trouble - and this now extends to race, religion and sexual orientation groups.

Lastly I would add I don't always think that a google search is 100% reality - people search for wacky stuff and thoughts (not me of course). You need to get more detailed information ....and spy some more before doing anything.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 9th November 2017 at 2:29 AM..
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Old 9th November 2017, 4:33 AM   #12
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You have two options one 1) confront and probably have her tell you a load of lies or 2) keep your eyes and ears open and see where this is going.
ATM, you have access to her internet history, if you confront, that will end immediately as she will put passwords on everything, when she finds out you have been snooping, (whether she is cheating or not) and you will be totally in the dark.
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Old 9th November 2017, 5:10 AM   #13
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With all the news about sexual harassment, assault and power plays from employers, celebrities and people in power in general, I started talking to my husband about the times I was hit on, propositioned, fondled or kissed. It was the first time I'd ever put them all together as the same kind of incident. There was this feeling of . Each one was sleazy and left me with my own shame and embarrassment even though it wasn't my fault and even devalued when told it was the only reason I'd been hired.

No wonder she has suicidal thoughts. It's confusing, shaming, and dehumanizing to be treated like an object instead of a capable, worthwhile participant in an organization.
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Old 9th November 2017, 6:36 AM   #14
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Quote:
Originally Posted by merrmeade View Post
With all the news about sexual harassment, assault and power plays from employers, celebrities and people in power in general, I started talking to my husband about the times I was hit on, propositioned, fondled or kissed. It was the first time I'd ever put them all together as the same kind of incident. There was this feeling of . Each one was sleazy and left me with my own shame and embarrassment even though it wasn't my fault and even devalued when told it was the only reason I'd been hired.

No wonder she has suicidal thoughts. It's confusing, shaming, and dehumanizing to be treated like an object instead of a capable, worthwhile participant in an organization.
Nowhere does the OP state that she's being sexually harassed or even hit on. And her googling about wanting to have sex with her boss sure doesn't support it either. In fact it seems as if she's the aggressor.

Last edited by GoldenR; 9th November 2017 at 7:30 AM..
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Old 9th November 2017, 7:31 AM   #15
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Originally Posted by Robbierob View Post
Thanks guys, i did mean talk to her, not confront.

She does feel trapped, a few people she works with kind of bully her, or at the very least they arent very nice to her. I dont know the whole situation as im not there I can only understand from what she tells me. Over the last couple of weeks shes said she wants to quit her job because of how shes treated by a few of the people she works with. But its nearly christmas and we are going on holiday in december, so its not a great time for her to put herself out of work...

I'm more worried about her than myself, but I still feel betrayed, I cant think of anything that I personally have done to drive her away. Im not even sure if thats whats happening here.

Everything still seems completely fine, I know her boss has been flirting with her, at one point she was actually going to send a letter to head office about it. But now hes "her best friend at work". Im just really confused, i dont even know where to begin.
Quote:
Originally Posted by usa1ah View Post
The reason they are treating her this way might be because of her relationship with her boss. They might see what your is going on.

By her internet searches it sounds as if her boss has let her know he is interested is her.

She is at the very least having a emotional affair.

Soon as I read your post I said there must be at least an
EA going on at work and the other women see it. Thus
why they are "out to get her". Which is just a cheaters self
denial that see is doing anything wrong at work.
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