Husband needs intimacy

[wanting to heal]

I need intimacy from my wife.

 

Hand holds, touches, a kiss when it is her idea, grab my butt sometimes, hug me. Write me a note, buy me a gift. I can ask for those things because I am that guy that does all of those things. She tells me how I am thoughtful and how I give her admiration and love. She just does not seem to have it in her to return it very often. I need to hear her say "I love you" without it being before bed or after I say it.

 

We are in counseling right now. We have needed it for years, and it is helping somewhat. She had a drunken one night stand two months ago. Frankly, I am over that. It was out of character for her and I have forgiven her.

 

I can't really be happy with just a sex life. We have sex about twice a week, and half of the time it is really good. I want to have sex with the lights on, in the morning sometimes, somewhere other than the bedroom. We try different positions, but she does not like to kiss and is not big on eye contact.

 

She has never been very touchy-feely, but it is getting worse. Either I notice it more or I have just grown insecure. Either way I often feel that I want to leave. When the counselor asked us to talk about needs that the other person is not meeting, her list for me was very short. My list for her was all about intimacy, and she took it as a bit of an attack.

 

She is a good homemaker, but she gets lazy sometimes. She is pretty, and I tell her so. I am fit, average looking, and I make a nice income. She does not have to work, but I think she should for her own accomplishment. She will not work. I would respect her more if she accomplished more. I try to be supportive of her because I think she lacks confidence.

 

If I cannot take this anymore and seperate from her I will look like the biggest ass in the world. It may come to that, I want to be romantic and be in love again. We are good friends, but there is only one woman that I want intimacy from, ... my wife.

[whichwayisup]

I think you should write her a letter, put down more or less what you've said here in your post. It's honest, it's sincere, it shows HOW much you love and desire your wife - And know that things can be even better. That you want it to be even better! I think that's awesome and she's very lucky to have such an attentive husband.

 

Hopefully therapy will help her come out of her shell as to why she can't be emotionally intimate - the kissing and eye contact. Was she like that before her one night stand? Could that be the reason why and she's still feeling guilty and bad from what she did?

 

The fact she isn't working may play on her self confidence level. If she isn't willing to work atleast she should join a gym, do yoga, find some hobbies or take a course.

 

I want to be romantic and be in love again. We are good friends, but there is only one woman that I want intimacy from, ... my wife.

 

Make sure she knows this. I really hope she comes around and sees what she has infront of her. Hopefully it will never come down to you separating from her...

 

I hope you write her a lovely letter and when she reads it you be there with her. Don't attack her or make her feel bad, just speak from your heart.

[Sal Paradise]

Originally posted by wanting to heal

I need intimacy from my wife.

 

Hand holds, touches, a kiss when it is her idea, grab my butt sometimes, hug me. Write me a note, buy me a gift. I can ask for those things because I am that guy that does all of those things. She tells me how I am thoughtful and how I give her admiration and love. She just does not seem to have it in her to return it very often. I need to hear her say "I love you" without it being before bed or after I say it.

 

We are in counseling right now. We have needed it for years, and it is helping somewhat. She had a drunken one night stand two months ago. Frankly, I am over that. It was out of character for her and I have forgiven her.

 

I can't really be happy with just a sex life. We have sex about twice a week, and half of the time it is really good. I want to have sex with the lights on, in the morning sometimes, somewhere other than the bedroom. We try different positions, but she does not like to kiss and is not big on eye contact.

 

She has never been very touchy-feely, but it is getting worse. Either I notice it more or I have just grown insecure. Either way I often feel that I want to leave. When the counselor asked us to talk about needs that the other person is not meeting, her list for me was very short. My list for her was all about intimacy, and she took it as a bit of an attack.

 

She is a good homemaker, but she gets lazy sometimes. She is pretty, and I tell her so. I am fit, average looking, and I make a nice income. She does not have to work, but I think she should for her own accomplishment. She will not work. I would respect her more if she accomplished more. I try to be supportive of her because I think she lacks confidence.

 

If I cannot take this anymore and seperate from her I will look like the biggest ass in the world. It may come to that, I want to be romantic and be in love again. We are good friends, but there is only one woman that I want intimacy from, ... my wife.

 

No one would think you were an ass for leaving a ungrateful, unaffectionate, cheating lazy wife.

 

You sound like a great guy. I advise you to tell her exactly what you've said here. The letter idea someone suggested is great. If she isn't willing to work on the relationship, and I mean really work on it, then I advise you to dump her. She isn't worth it. Plenty of amazing women out there who'd love to have a guy like you.

[wanting to heal]

Thanks for the thoughts.

 

Sal, I appreciate what you said. I am being as patient as I can, but I really wonder if I am not just putting off the inevitable. I am about to the point that I can make a decision and say that I have done all that I know to do. I usually do not care if I look like an ass to my wife, but I care about my 17 yr old daughter. She is a bright, fun, balanced kid but she would have a hard time understanding.

 

If I left because my wife is distant, there is no way my wife would understand. Why would I leave over something that she thinks is not important.

 

 

Whichway, I have tried the letter thing. I have tried to talk with her. I have tried to talk with her in counseling. Sometimes she admits the problem, but her attempts to be more intimate stall out pretty quickly. She does have a gym membership. In fact, she works out every day. The ONS guy works at the gym. I allowed her to go back because I can tell that she knows it was a drunken mistake. She says walking in there each day and ignoring him empowers her and her self esteem that she is not the person that he had the drunken screw with. I know her, and that was way out of character.

 

The problems are pretty deep in our life, see "Wife in midlife crisis, was it a one night stand" in the infidelity forum.

 

Thanks again for the feedback.