LoveShack.org Community Forums

Reload this Page LoveShack.org Community Forums > Romantic > Marriage & Life Partnerships > Infidelity

Husband left again for ow, filed for divorce again


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

Like Tree54Likes
Reply
 
LinkBack Thread Tools Display Modes
Old 2nd November 2017, 3:26 PM   #1
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Detroit Mi
Posts: 9
Unhappy Husband left again for ow, filed for divorce again

So, I’m new to this forum, I’m here because my marriage has fallen apart. Yet again and I need some sort of way t reach out.

So, I’ll try to not drag the back story on to long. My husband and I met when we were 20, and fell hard for each other. Neither were in active relationships, and we both clicked and felt it was a match right away, after a year of dating, we moved in together, in June of 2010. In February 2011 he proposed, April, we bought a house and moved in together. He was working in a great job in his field he got right out of college, I was in school for graphic design and working almost full time, we were planning our wedding and life was great.

We got married in June of 2012 and fell into a happy routine but still had lots of fun. We are both into cars. Living near Detroit it’s a given. So a lot of our time was spent at meets, races and working on his car. It wS pretty blissful. I got a really good full time job at a dealership, making good money, in June 2013. Between the stress of the job, and my hours and commute. My work life balance was pretty terrible. And my husband suffered the brunt of it. I took it for granted and thought he understood but the resentment was building then.

In September of 2014 I started a new dealership job close to home and I thought that was helping, then I got sick with staph in my face, and pregnant shortly after because I was on antibiotics and didn’t think to use back birth control. We didn’t find out until I was 14 weeks pregnant. So we had no time to prepare or absorb it. Before we knew it we were parents and I had post partum depression. So my husband again suffered.

He never acted like it. He was supportive and loving and helpful. We still went out. Had weekends alone. We’re very intimate. I didn’t work because we decided it was best for me to be a stay at home Mom at least for a couple years.

Then in October of last year I was at the zoo and he changed his tone while texting and told me he needed a break. He packed a bag and went to stay with a friend. In late November he came home, he was good again. The break seemed to help, he even stated he felt closer to me because I stood by him and because we made it through.

In late April I felt him withdrawing and I got suspicious, I went through his laptop and there it was. He was cheating, with the one girl I asked him not to. A long time mutual friend who always had an inappropriate eye for him.

I confronted him. He begged and pleaded and promised. Wrote me loving notes. Etc. then a few weeks later I found it again on his phone. This time they were mocking me. I found out he was sneaking out of his second job, a business we started together, to go to her house. Even choosing to go there instead of seeing his daughter. I confronted him. He was remorseful cried and held me all night. But then filed for divorce and left again a week later. I found out he was with her. And was with her the first time. This time he took his race car and all of his belongings.

We went back and forth. Just a few days after leaving he stated he regretted it. That he loved and missed me. That he wanted us and a new life and didn’t know how to get away from the mess he was in. He didn’t want a divorce. He came home a few weeks later. We dismissed the divorce and life was good. We went on our year my big race trip and he professed his love. I was is forever and he was mine forever. He wanted to renew our vows. A week later. He was gone and refiled for divorce.

This was on August 25. He was intimate with me over both prior separations. And started again almost immediately this time. A few weeks ago I put my foot down and that’s when the divorce took off. He never served me I had to file a counter suit.

I do not want a divorce and I’m so confused. He now says he doesn’t love me and hasn’t for a long time. That he never wNted to save us. And never wanted to come home. From all of my reading it seems he’s in full blown limerence. And he’s at the point he’s rewriting the past to justify his actions and hide his feelings.
I know I’m stupid for loving him. I’m just wondering if anyone’s been through this personally or from my point of view. And what happened

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 10th November 2017 at 7:56 PM.. Reason: paragraphs ~T
The0neyoul0ved is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 3:43 PM   #2
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,259
You should let him end it. You can't have him see/sawing back and forth in your life. I imagine he wanted to stay married for his child's sake. Believe him when he tells you these things even though it hurts. You have to let him go to his OW.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 4:00 PM   #3
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Detroit Mi
Posts: 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by stillafool View Post
You should let him end it. You can't have him see/sawing back and forth in your life. I imagine he wanted to stay married for his child's sake. Believe him when he tells you these things even though it hurts. You have to let him go to his OW.
Heís gone. Heís been livin with her for two months. It was more then her. Heís even told his best friend and Mom he was so happy to have ended things with the other woman before. And how happy he was I had given him another chance and how much he loves me. No one believes him. The problem is heís pushed everyone away now with his actions. Including his best friend and Mom.
The0neyoul0ved is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 5:09 PM   #4
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2013
Posts: 1,603
Sorry for your pain and his cheating.

You need to get an attorney to help with the D, or did you write the response yourself?

He needs to be responsible for his and your child.

He needs to grow up.

But you will be better to have him mostly out of your life.

Keep any contact about your child. You deserve better and he lost out on the best things in his life.

Read about the 180. it is to help you. He may realize what he lost someday, but it will be too late.

Stop all contact with him, except for what your child needs.

You will find better.

hope you find some healing. Do something that helps you.

Do you have family close by that can help you?
harrybrown is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 5:15 PM   #5
Established Member
 
wmacbride's Avatar
 
Join Date: Oct 2015
Posts: 2,966
As i was reading your post, I was sure I'd come across a piece where he tried the old line of " I love you but I am not in love with you".

The way he said that he "needed space" sounds very much like cheaterspeak for " I am cheating, and I don't want to feel guilty or be caught". It gives him a chnace to try out his new relationship while still keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out.

You also mention that you had read conversations between the two of them where they make fun of you? That, right there, shows that they are both heels who deserve each other. I don't care whether he still loves you or not. You were his wife and you are the mother of his child. For no other reason than that, you deserve to be treated with respect by him.

I know it's probably really painful and confusing, but I would walk away from him. He's like a drowning man, and will pull down right along with him if you stay. Let the two sneaks stay with each other...they deserve it. If they want to be together, so be it. Let them spend the rest of their lives together, always wondering who will cheat first, as I highly doubt they will ever have even a modicum of trust for one another.

Go on and live you life. Make it wonderful, but be warned. When he sees that you are moving on, he may well become jealous, because you will be living the life he wishes he could have. You'll be happy doing new things and going exciting places, and maybe even in time, meeting a new man. That's when he may well start sniffing around again. He'll see you out and enjoying life while he's stuck at home with a nagging partner who,because she can't trust him, will likley keep him on a very short leash.

Don't let him in, because as it stands right now, he wouldn't be returning out of love, and may well cheat again.
__________________
"Booooo! I am a high-priced Washington lobbyist, peddling influence! Who wants candy?"- Dale Gribble
wmacbride is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 7:53 PM   #6
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Detroit Mi
Posts: 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by wmacbride View Post
As i was reading your post, I was sure I'd come across a piece where he tried the old line of " I love you but I am not in love with you".

The way he said that he "needed space" sounds very much like cheaterspeak for " I am cheating, and I don't want to feel guilty or be caught". It gives him a chnace to try out his new relationship while still keeping you on the back burner in case it doesn't work out.

You also mention that you had read conversations between the two of them where they make fun of you? That, right there, shows that they are both heels who deserve each other. I don't care whether he still loves you or not. You were his wife and you are the mother of his child. For no other reason than that, you deserve to be treated with respect by him.

I know it's probably really painful and confusing, but I would walk away from him. He's like a drowning man, and will pull down right along with him if you stay. Let the two sneaks stay with each other...they deserve it. If they want to be together, so be it. Let them spend the rest of their lives together, always wondering who will cheat first, as I highly doubt they will ever have even a modicum of trust for one another.

Go on and live you life. Make it wonderful, but be warned. When he sees that you are moving on, he may well become jealous, because you will be living the life he wishes he could have. You'll be happy doing new things and going exciting places, and maybe even in time, meeting a new man. That's when he may well start sniffing around again. He'll see you out and enjoying life while he's stuck at home with a nagging partner who,because she can't trust him, will likley keep him on a very short leash.

Don't let him in, because as it stands right now, he wouldn't be returning out of love, and may well cheat again.
Thank you. He did the I love you but Iím not in love anymore. Heís very messed up. And itís harder because no one believes his crap right now. Sheís already got him on a tight leash. He hasnít seen or talked to his best friend, who I work with, in weeks. And doesnít really talk to his mother either, and heís a huge mommas boy, only child, and sheís totally against this.
The0neyoul0ved is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 8:50 PM   #7
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,330
He's been gone a long time.

He's a big time liar.

He's a big time cheater.


Why would you want that? Why aren't you taking proactive steps to make sure it's ended for good?

That way you can build a new life moving forward -knowing you've eliminated the negative influence from your daily life.
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 9:07 PM   #8
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Detroit Mi
Posts: 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by S2B View Post
He's been gone a long time.

He's a big time liar.

He's a big time cheater.


Why would you want that? Why aren't you taking proactive steps to make sure it's ended for good?

That way you can build a new life moving forward -knowing you've eliminated the negative influence from your daily life.
Because heís my husband and my family and I believe heís not in the right state of mind and hasnít been through this. 1/4 life crisis, mental break. Whatever. Heís not him.
I love him deeply. The kind of love books were written about, and I believe in the sanctity of marriage.
The0neyoul0ved is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 2nd November 2017, 11:26 PM   #9
S2B
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2015
Posts: 3,330
Quote:
Originally Posted by The0neyoul0ved View Post
Because heís my husband and my family and I believe heís not in the right state of mind and hasnít been through this. 1/4 life crisis, mental break. Whatever. Heís not him.
I love him deeply. The kind of love books were written about, and I believe in the sanctity of marriage.
I can understand that... I really can. Believe me, I was married for 23 years and my exH did the same thing. I forgave him the first time - and we had another bliss filled 10 years. Then he decided he would cheat again knowing if he did it would end our M. The men they become while in an affair isn't the same man we knew all along. You don't know the real him anymore.

Consequences help. He needs consequences - like filing for D so he wakes up! Make him scared! You. Wed to not be so reliable, dependable and stable for him.

Be those things for yourself but not for him.
S2B is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd November 2017, 7:42 AM   #10
New Member
 
Join Date: Nov 2017
Location: Detroit Mi
Posts: 9
Quote:
Originally Posted by S2B View Post
I can understand that... I really can. Believe me, I was married for 23 years and my exH did the same thing. I forgave him the first time - and we had another bliss filled 10 years. Then he decided he would cheat again knowing if he did it would end our M. The men they become while in an affair isn't the same man we knew all along. You don't know the real him anymore.

Consequences help. He needs consequences - like filing for D so he wakes up! Make him scared! You. Wed to not be so reliable, dependable and stable for him.

Be those things for yourself but not for him.

Iíve tried consequences. I filed the counter suit because he wasnít serving me. But was still coming back with his I love you and miss you. And I donít know what Iím doing. I tried pulling sex away. And itís all completely backfired. Heís happily going along with the divorce. Heís happy with our temporary custody agreement. His only complaint is that myself and the courts wonít allow him to act out his parenting time at the gfs house or around her. So I guess the only hope I have now is that it wears on them and causes the cracks to show.
Nothing he says and does adds up. He says he doesnít love me and isnít attracted to me. His looks and body language and physical responses say otherwise. Even just a few weeks ago when we were intimate last, he kisses me and itís just instantaneous. The physical and chemical response. Weíre like magnets.
So nothing matches up. Itís really hard to understand. Even his friends donít believe his bs. I feel like the only thing that makes sense, is he so far perfectly matched up to the ďstandardĒ limerence timeline/profile.
The0neyoul0ved is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd November 2017, 7:53 AM   #11
Established Member
 
Join Date: May 2006
Posts: 14,259
Quote:
Originally Posted by The0neyoul0ved View Post
Thank you. He did the I love you but Iím not in love anymore. Heís very messed up. And itís harder because no one believes his crap right now. Sheís already got him on a tight leash. He hasnít seen or talked to his best friend, who I work with, in weeks. And doesnít really talk to his mother either, and heís a huge mommas boy, only child, and sheís totally against this.
She doesn't have him on a leash. He probably doesn't talk to his best friend or mother because he doesn't want to hear what they have to say about his situation. He is a grown man and I doubt she is holding a gun to his head.
stillafool is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd November 2017, 10:23 AM   #12
Established Member
 
somuchfortheone's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jan 2017
Location: Georgia
Posts: 231
Quote:
Originally Posted by The0neyoul0ved View Post
Because heís my husband and my family and I believe heís not in the right state of mind and hasnít been through this. 1/4 life crisis, mental break. Whatever. Heís not him.
I love him deeply. The kind of love books were written about, and I believe in the sanctity of marriage.
you sound just like me and our story is very similar - feel free to read my posts and message me and we can lean on each other..


he's definitely in limerence and I hate to tell you, he may be there a while - three years isn't uncommon.
somuchfortheone is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd November 2017, 10:47 AM   #13
Established Member
 
Join Date: Aug 2016
Posts: 678
Quote:
Originally Posted by The0neyoul0ved View Post
Because heís my husband and my family and I believe heís not in the right state of mind and hasnít been through this. 1/4 life crisis, mental break. Whatever. Heís not him.
I love him deeply. The kind of love books were written about, and I believe in the sanctity of marriage.
Quote:
Iíve tried consequences. I filed the counter suit because he wasnít serving me. But was still coming back with his I love you and miss you. And I donít know what Iím doing. I tried pulling sex away. And itís all completely backfired. Heís happily going along with the divorce. Heís happy with our temporary custody agreement. His only complaint is that myself and the courts wonít allow him to act out his parenting time at the gfs house or around her. So I guess the only hope I have now is that it wears on them and causes the cracks to show.
Nothing he says and does adds up. He says he doesnít love me and isnít attracted to me. His looks and body language and physical responses say otherwise. Even just a few weeks ago when we were intimate last, he kisses me and itís just instantaneous. The physical and chemical response. Weíre like magnets.
So nothing matches up. Itís really hard to understand. Even his friends donít believe his bs. I feel like the only thing that makes sense, is he so far perfectly matched up to the ďstandardĒ limerence timeline/profile.
Love yourself deeply. Don't enable him. Don't have any personal conversations with him. Live your best life. It doesn't matter whether or not its limerance. The only person that you can control is you. Don't sit around waiting for him to pull his head out of his a$$.
BTDT2012 is offline   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd November 2017, 10:56 AM   #14
Established Member
 
BluesPower's Avatar
 
Join Date: Jul 2016
Posts: 2,392
But the point is that...

Quote:
Originally Posted by somuchfortheone View Post
you sound just like me and our story is very similar - feel free to read my posts and message me and we can lean on each other...

he's definitely in limerence and I hate to tell you, he may be there a while - three years isn't uncommon.
But the point is that...for both OP and SMFTO, neither of you should put up with this in any way.

Sometimes you want to think that by being there and not filing or following through with the divorce that you are allowing him a way to come back.

But as hard as it is, you have to realize that they are gone and you cannot wait around forever for them to come to their senses.

By allowing yourself to be a plan B, then you look weak or weaker in their eyes. Force the decision, and understand that at this point, it will probably be to leave.
BluesPower is online now   Reply With Quote
Old 3rd November 2017, 12:15 PM   #15
Established Member
 
alsudduth's Avatar
 
Join Date: Apr 2015
Posts: 407
Is it possible he's using drugs of some sort? I ask because your story just sound so similar to a cousin of mine who was in the throes of an addiction and followed the drugs, no matter who he hurt. He professed "soul mate" to love three women within a couple months because they were where he could get drugs.... Just something to think about.
alsudduth is offline   Reply With Quote
Reply

Bookmarks

Thread Tools
Display Modes

 

Similar Threads
Thread Thread Starter Forum Replies Last Post
Wife left 9 months ago, filed for divorce but wants to come back Lackadeema Second Chances 38 16th January 2017 11:52 AM
Husband on conditional green card left me i filed for divorce HelloImAmy Separation and Divorce 4 19th August 2015 11:03 AM
Filed For Divorce SamSam68 Infidelity 18 1st September 2014 8:26 PM
Had an affair; husband found out. I disclosed and he filed for divorce Sofie2013 Infidelity 1311 8th April 2014 10:11 PM
Filed for divorce Elizabrary Separation and Divorce 2 4th January 2010 10:31 AM

 

All times are GMT -4. The time now is 9:09 PM.

Please note: The suggestions and advice offered on this web site are opinions only and are not to be used in the place of professional psychological counseling or medical advice. If you or someone close to you is currently in crisis or in an emergency situation, contact your local law enforcement agency or emergency number.


Copyright © 1997-2013 LoveShack.org. All Rights Reserved.