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Second Time Caught Same Man


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 30th October 2017, 2:05 PM   #46
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I don't know, dude. She cheated on you once (and lied about it. She told you it was emotional and just a "little kissing", but now you know better) and she took your trust and your second chance and she betrayed you again!

And NOW she's serious about your marriage?!?!? Nah; sorry, you gave her a chance. You gave her a shot to get it right and she disrespects you and your family. There needs to be consequences to her actions and you keep giving her "get out of jail free" cards.

I'm not going to tell you what to do. If anything, I think you need to start doing the 180. Look it up, I think it may help you.
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Old 30th October 2017, 2:23 PM   #47
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Originally Posted by ablankslate View Post
She says she loves me. She says she will leave her business. She says she will do anything to save our marriage.
The only reason she said the above is because of the below -- she got caught.

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Originally Posted by ablankslate View Post
I just caught her again last night cheating with her business partner and she came clean and said she has been cheating again with her business partner since last April 2017.
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Old 30th October 2017, 5:27 PM   #48
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He is a widow and 20 years younger than I am and 18 years younger than she is.I only say that because she does not view this a possible long term relationship in her words.A third chance?
She is the love of my life in my heart and marriage for 28 years. I do not want to divorce.
Ok... so this guy is 38 years younger than her and you guys have been together for 28 years. If you married her at 20 and are now 48, which means this guy is 28 and your wife is 66? Did I miss something?

You have enough life left to live. Take half her company and everything else... maybe you can find a better woman. Maybe one that isn't on social security.
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Old 30th October 2017, 5:45 PM   #49
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I believe he said they've been married 28 years.

Then he said the OM is 20 years younger than he is .. 18 years younger than his wife.

If the OP is 48 and his wife is 46 - then the OM who is a widower would be 28 years old.
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Old 30th October 2017, 5:58 PM   #50
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times?
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Old 30th October 2017, 6:56 PM   #51
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Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice, shame on me. Fool me three times?
Based on previous threads it seems like this is likely the third time... at least.
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Old 30th October 2017, 7:45 PM   #52
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I am so sorry you are going through this. I can feel the hurt in your words, but I can also feel the love you still have for your wife.

I'm sure this reply will be counter to what most people will say, but what is more important to fight for than your marriage? Especially after 28 years. We all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Most of the time, we don't know how those mistakes affect other people, but I guarantee you, they do...tremendously. Only, we are not usually around to see how. You happen to be on the other side of these two mistakes by your wife, but it is not the end of the world, and it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.

Have you considered seeing a pastor or a counselor so you can work through this difficult time? From what you wrote, it seems your wife might be on board if you ask her. Even if she says no, it wouldn't hurt for you to talk to someone alone. He or she might be able to help you move forward in a way that could save your marriage.

Once again, I am sorry you are going through this, but I can tell by your post you are a fighter. Don't be afraid to fight for your marriage.
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Old 30th October 2017, 8:12 PM   #53
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Originally Posted by gpete3008 View Post
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can feel the hurt in your words, but I can also feel the love you still have for your wife.

I'm sure this reply will be counter to what most people will say, but what is more important to fight for than your marriage? Especially after 28 years. We all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Most of the time, we don't know how those mistakes affect other people, but I guarantee you, they do...tremendously. Only, we are not usually around to see how. You happen to be on the other side of these two mistakes by your wife, but it is not the end of the world, and it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.

Have you considered seeing a pastor or a counselor so you can work through this difficult time? From what you wrote, it seems your wife might be on board if you ask her. Even if she says no, it wouldn't hurt for you to talk to someone alone. He or she might be able to help you move forward in a way that could save your marriage.

Once again, I am sorry you are going through this, but I can tell by your post you are a fighter. Don't be afraid to fight for your marriage.
The first time may have been a mistake. It is highly doubtful. The second time was a deceitful, pre-meditated conspiracy to undermine and disregard the integrity, honor and sanctity of the marriage.

8 or 28 years, it doesn't make a whole lot of difference. She does not respect her husband and their marriage. She only respects the consequences of her actions as she was caught. It was b/c she was caught that she 'appears' remorseful...AGAIN.

The bible provides an avenue of divorce for adultery/fornication.
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Old 30th October 2017, 10:08 PM   #54
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Originally Posted by gpete3008 View Post
I am so sorry you are going through this. I can feel the hurt in your words, but I can also feel the love you still have for your wife.

I'm sure this reply will be counter to what most people will say, but what is more important to fight for than your marriage? Especially after 28 years. We all make mistakes. Every single one of us. Most of the time, we don't know how those mistakes affect other people, but I guarantee you, they do...tremendously. Only, we are not usually around to see how. You happen to be on the other side of these two mistakes by your wife, but it is not the end of the world, and it doesn't have to be the end of your marriage.

Have you considered seeing a pastor or a counselor so you can work through this difficult time? From what you wrote, it seems your wife might be on board if you ask her. Even if she says no, it wouldn't hurt for you to talk to someone alone. He or she might be able to help you move forward in a way that could save your marriage.

Once again, I am sorry you are going through this, but I can tell by your post you are a fighter. Don't be afraid to fight for your marriage.
Why would he stay in a marriage when his wife is a serial cheater and is full of empty promises? She only seems to be sorry when she gets caught - but this poster never seems to give his cheating wife consequences - so of course she just does it again.

This was NO MISTAKE! A mistake is something that happens by accident. This was long term, calculated deceit. Stop calling it a mistake!

There's no reason to work on the marriage when his wife has been checked out for a lot of years! One person working to save the marriage never works.
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Old 1st November 2017, 7:49 AM   #55
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First to everyone who has taken the time and provided guidance and opinions I am so deep thankful...perspective from each of you is a gift. I have been given a lot in my life with 3 amazing children and 2 new grandchildren and a deep relationship with Christ.

Each day I try imperfectly to be and I am always forgiven by his grace...not once or twice but always. She has deeply fallen twice maybe more. This last affair was by definition a Split Life Affair. She fell emotionally to the point of considering leaving me. In these affairs which are perhaps the most dangerous she led 2 lives and was 2 people connected by layers of lies they also are often years apart in age:

https://infidelityrecoveryinstitute....t-self-affair/

My wife is a fallen woman of faith. Yes by her actions I am free to divorce. Yes I can break the bond of marriage before God with his blessing. But in John 8:7 his voice is also clear...and I am certainly not without sin. Friday was discovery and Saturday was her moment shared with me that she does not know which way to go. She had an open path to the OM. Sunday she sought counsel at the Church. She knows the OM is not a man of faith and never will be. He lost his faith with the loss of his wife. It is that cornerstone faith that bonds us that offers us the chance to be fully together as intended by our vows.

She has met with the OM. She is leaving the business. She stopped all contact with the OM except to dissolve her business interest and train the team all of which will be done by phone. We for the first time(sadly) are doing counseling together to complement her individual counseling. She feels free and wants to reset her life with purpose of healing us,family,and outreach. She is now at her parents..her Mom has early dementia time out of town is needed for us both.

What I hear often in this thread is the word weakness or maybe I am a lamb I in a world of wolves. But I do know that each day I need to try an be just a little bit more like him...if that is weakness then that is a term in humanistic application. Reading and studying the world is easy...living the word in the most crushing moments of your life is the deepest test you can have. And yes I carry deep aching pain at all levels and our marriage will work with his blessing and our dedication or he has another plan.

I do need to offer this insight. For those first timers understand what type of affair it is(see above link) there are multiple types. I didn't do that and we did no counseling and with my approval I placed her back with the OM. I thought the fear of losing their business would be enough to take the gift and not return to their affair. She/We need to understand the drug or cheaters high is like being an alcoholic and treated as such. She fails to replace what is missing in our marriage and that must be reset inwards to our bond betterment.

So like God often does in our life he brings us back full circle to the same challenge to learn and grow and with his lead allow us to be closer to him and maybe live in some small way like him..he is still after us and for that I am deeply grateful and happy.

For some not in the word my journey and direction may seen shallow misguided and asking to be hurt and crushed again and if it is his will then it shall be.But I will not let her go or our marriage without my full measure of effort and support to make this marriage last...and I have not done that and she knows her steps must be all in..all in.

Thank you all for the support and kindness and wisdom..!
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Old 1st November 2017, 8:12 AM   #56
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WW will be F'ing the OM again once the dust settles.

There is no need for the WW to have contact with the
OM. All sales talks can be handled by a lawyer.

WW does not need to train anyone. The OM can handle
the training himself.

Last another reason WW will be doin her OM again is
because you are refusing to move far away from the
OM. You are keeping the WW near triggers to keep
her affair memories from fading which feeds her addiction
to her OM.

Lastly, this OM like all OM do not like to give up getting
free sex from their AP's. When the OM feels the dust has
settled and you have stopped being vigilant is when the
OM comes back looking to see if he can get lucky again.
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Old 1st November 2017, 8:24 AM   #57
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You are a doormat. Your wife doesn't respect you. I am not trying to be a jerk, but your wife has cheated on you multiple times with no REAL consequences. She will continue doing this because ultimately you keep rug sweeping.

Even IF you want to reconcile you should file for a divorce. Because you should show her your serious and that it is an option for you. If not she is going to continue sleeping around and make you the town cuckold.

At this point you know she is cheating, has done it multiple times and if you do not file for divorce, you are just accepting it. You should demand a polygraph and find out if there were other men. You can always tell your attorney to stop the divorce if she takes the polygraph and starts counseling with you.
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Old 1st November 2017, 8:30 AM   #58
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Originally Posted by road View Post
WW will be F'ing the OM again once the dust settles.

There is no need for the WW to have contact with the
OM. All sales talks can be handled by a lawyer.

WW does not need to train anyone. The OM can handle
the training himself.

Last another reason WW will be doin her OM again is
because you are refusing to move far away from the
OM. You are keeping the WW near triggers to keep
her affair memories from fading which feeds her addiction
to her OM.

Lastly, this OM like all OM do not like to give up getting
free sex from their AP's. When the OM feels the dust has
settled and you have stopped being vigilant is when the
OM comes back looking to see if he can get lucky again.
This is not and was not an affair of sex..see the link it was much more. That is a basis of some affairs but there connection and business partnership and everyday relationship in each others lives created the split life affair.

Her addiction was an alternate life not moments in the love shack.
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Old 1st November 2017, 8:38 AM   #59
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Originally Posted by Dopedog View Post
You are a doormat. Your wife doesn't respect you. I am not trying to be a jerk, but your wife has cheated on you multiple times with no REAL consequences. She will continue doing this because ultimately you keep rug sweeping.

Even IF you want to reconcile you should file for a divorce. Because you should show her your serious and that it is an option for you. If not she is going to continue sleeping around and make you the town cuckold.

At this point you know she is cheating, has done it multiple times and if you do not file for divorce, you are just accepting it. You should demand a polygraph and find out if there were other men. You can always tell your attorney to stop the divorce if she takes the polygraph and starts counseling with you.
Thank you and understand your doormat perspective and legalistic next steps and threats...that is an avenue but having read about the doormat that I am do you think that is the answer for me in faith?

We both replies they seem so grounded in sex..that has never been a problem in our marriage ever...this is about filling emotional vacancy outside our marriage again read a split life affair it is prototype.
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Old 1st November 2017, 9:09 AM   #60
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Originally Posted by ablankslate View Post
Thank you and understand your doormat perspective and legalistic next steps and threats...that is an avenue but having read about the doormat that I am do you think that is the answer for me in faith?

We both replies they seem so grounded in sex..that has never been a problem in our marriage ever...this is about filling emotional vacancy outside our marriage again read a split life affair it is prototype.
So, your a cuckhold then. You don't like the word "doormat" but use "faith" to cover it up. Hate to mention it but yeah...Your wife IS about the sex with the OM. She doesn't even regard you enough to look back the 20 years and see "marriage". She only sees a need that is not being met. This younger guy gives excitement and relationship due to working together. You are the dependable house warmer...
Think of it this way. Your WW just broke the promise to God of "one man and one woman" brought together as one, in the hopes of fulfilling God's promise and covenant. To be fruitful and multiply. The minute she steps outside the marriage, the grace is gone. And YOU know this. She does not value the marriage. She is sorry she got caught and wants to keep the "security" of you around, as you are familiar and predictable. That is all. I am truly sorry for this. I wouldn't wish it on anyone.
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