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Second Time Caught Same Man


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 28th October 2017, 11:36 AM   #16
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Hi Blankslate, my advice would be 'Run Forrest run". Your wife has shown you exactly who she is. No, she has rubbed it in your face. As BryanP says if you don't respect yourself who else will? She may swear from here to Kingdom come that she loves you and will go to the ends of the earth for you but the fact is that as a cheater her words have no authenticity and value. A person who loves you would not stab you in the back repeatedly as she has. Isn't there a saying " Fool me once shame on you, fool me twice shame on me"!

Just because you have a long period of married life is no reason for you to hang on to it when such a dastardly trick has been played on you. The biggest mistake you made was to let her continue with the same business partner when you caught her the first time. For two people working in such close proximity and who have crossed the line once already, it is almost a forgone conclusion that they would be up to their monkey tricks again if they continued working together. In fact I would not be surprised if the affair never really died down but was put on the back burner for a while and then when your wife felt that things were normal with you it just went back to full flame. I would not be surprised that they have been sleeping together from last year it self or maybe earlier. Your wife got the best of both worlds. An ostensibly happy married life with a trusting husband and a small happy family to parade to the world around and a sleazy slutty life with her BF hidden away from prying eyes and known only to the two of them. They must have laughed at their good luck to have you as a sucker so as to allow them to have their secret life with 'out of this world' sex which you could not compete with, because you did not even know that it was happening. If this is the kind of married life that you want the choice is all yours. However, why then waste your time posting on a forum like this one? Just think about it. Best wishes.
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Old 28th October 2017, 11:46 AM   #17
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First to each of you my deepest thanks for taking the time to respond with such insights...I just need to process and realize at this moment i am anything but thinking straight and without sleep last night. I asked her to leave last night and she is staying at a friends house...so I do have alone time for reflection and prayer.
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Old 28th October 2017, 11:59 AM   #18
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There is NOTHING you can do to fix HER. as you reflect on what to do for YOU, realize that she is the problem, she has the problem, she caused the problem. She is not going to stop.

It is unfortunate that you love her. No fault in that. Still, loving a cheater does not mean staying with one. Ending it is not punishment. It is just a result. Ending it is not lack of forgiveness, it is a result. Getting married is not a reward, so divorce is not the inverse.

I can't think for your wife, so I can't say she is laughing behind your back, but I can say that her actions show that she is not going to stop, does not care for you enough, and does not love you where love is an action not an emotion.
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Old 28th October 2017, 1:41 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by ablankslate View Post
I let her stay with her business partner and the business she co-founded. She says she will leave her business.
This is a problem. As others have said a requirement for ending her affair is to have no contact with the OM. But if she actually sells the business she co-founded with him she will resent you. If she gives up the life she loved (business and OM) for you then she will be the victim.

You had best not ever complain about her affair after all she gave up for you. The marriage had better be pretty damn good or she will tell you how she made a mistake and should have divorced you.

If you wind up getting a divorce DO NOT let her sell her business. You want her making money.

If I were you I wouldn’t expose. I would use that as unspoken leverage to get good terms in the divorce. Then I might offer to date her. Tell her you want the same deal as the OM (i.e. no strings attached sex).

Quote:
Originally Posted by ablankslate View Post
I only say that because she does not view this (OM) as a possible long term relationship in her words.
You’re the nice safe guy she wants to grow old with. That's your value to her. Don’t let her take that for granted. What do you get out of the marriage? Couldn’t you get that living together as an unmarried couple? Take away the security of being legally married from her. She doesn’t deserve it. If she cheats again you can just walk.

The first response to your post by BetrayedH was fantastic. Listen to him.

Last edited by Buckeye2; 28th October 2017 at 2:29 PM..
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Old 28th October 2017, 2:42 PM   #20
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He is a widow and 20 years younger than I am and 18 years younger than she is. I only say that because she does not view this a possible long term relationship in her words.
The OM is single. She came out and told you that you won the coin toss because the OM is too old. Is it that he's set in his ways and doesn't want her full time? Or is it that he's more likely leave her a widow before you do?

Last edited by Buckeye2; 28th October 2017 at 2:49 PM..
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Old 28th October 2017, 3:26 PM   #21
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Hi Buckeye, can you explain your last post? The OM is 18 years younger than the WW, so unless he is in an accident it is likely she will leave him a widower assuming she leaves her husband and settles down with the OM ( if he'll have her).
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Old 28th October 2017, 3:32 PM   #22
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Old 28th October 2017, 7:00 PM   #23
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Bit of a thread jack but at least 3 members have advised telling the OM spouse. He is a widow, does OP need to contact the dead. Would any poster take your advice when you have not even bothered to read their opening post.
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Old 28th October 2017, 7:45 PM   #24
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She is addicted to the OM and will not stop seeing him regardless of what she promised you. Remember she promised before she would stop and didn't. She has broken your marriage vows so in the eyes of God you are free. Ask yourself why you want to be married to a woman who is in love with someone else.
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Old 28th October 2017, 8:44 PM   #25
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If I were your wife and you took me back, I'd think you're a fool in love and unable to let go.

After hearing sex tapes ...if my DH didn't want a divorce... I'd think I could get away with murder.

The affair was always physical ... you just believed her lies the first time.

She doesn't deserve you.... and what does this teach your daughter? That she should accept infidelity...or that her future husband should forgive like you did .... only to get a second dose.

Fool me once .... shame on you ... Fool me twice....you know the rest.

She'll never respect you if you take her back.
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Old 28th October 2017, 9:00 PM   #26
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If I were your wife and you took me back, I'd think you're a fool in love and unable to let go.

After hearing sex tapes ...if my DH didn't want a divorce... I'd think I could get away with murder.

The affair was always physical ... you just believed her lies the first time.

She doesn't deserve you.... and what does this teach your daughter? That she should accept infidelity...or that her future husband should forgive like you did .... only to get a second dose.

Fool me once .... shame on you ... Fool me twice....you know the rest.

She'll never respect you if you take her back.
What does it teach your daughter... If her husband is ever unfaithful to her, that she should stay in the relationship and she shouldn't require or expect anything more from her life partner. That's what it teaches her...
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Old 28th October 2017, 9:14 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by ablankslate View Post
First to each of you my deepest thanks for taking the time to respond with such insights...I just need to process and realize at this moment i am anything but thinking straight and without sleep last night. I asked her to leave last night and she is staying at a friends house...so I do have alone time for reflection and prayer.
Asking her to leave is a start, talk to your lawyer so you understand your rights, protect your finances. Read up on the "180" and make it your new mantra. When you decided to give her a second chance you must have given her a consequence if you caught her cheating again, enforce it. You have been put in the position of being the runner up in your own marriage, she has shown you where her loyalties are, please believe her. You need to show your daughter and everyone that loves you that a cheating adulterous wife has no place in your life.

Start the process of separating your finances, don't finance her infidelity. Your lawyer will advise you with regards to their partnership and what or any claim you have to any part of it. She's been back banging him since last April, this is no simple relapse. Keep her out of your home so you are not distracted while you decide what is best for you. I just don't see this ending well for your marriage because right now your the only one in it. How does your daughter feel about this new discovery, what is her relationship with her mother like? Get tested, go meet with a lawyer. Your priority should be to take yourself out of infidelity. Sorry this has happened to you, again.
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Old 28th October 2017, 10:23 PM   #28
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i don't have any advice, i just think it's horrible you found out through your daughter originally. does that mean your daughter was also aware of your wife's cheating during the second-time affair? that's an awful thing for your daughter to go through and know and carry as a burden. you need to reflect on how it affects you and other members of the family if you stay. it sounds like you do love her but obviously the love isn't fully reciprocated. why be the only one doing the loving?
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Old 28th October 2017, 10:31 PM   #29
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Hi Buckeye, can you explain your last post? The OM is 18 years younger than the WW, so unless he is in an accident it is likely she will leave him a widower assuming she leaves her husband and settles down with the OM ( if he'll have her).
I misread it.

I might have jumped to the OM being older because his wife was dead.
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Old 29th October 2017, 12:24 AM   #30
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Originally Posted by ablankslate View Post
Please I am not looking for judgements I am looking for help and perspective and let me say a big thank you in advance for anyones perspective.

I caught my wife in June 2016 having an affair with her business partner...actually my daughter helped me in discovery. What happened next was long story short promised to never ever do it again. I let her stay with her business partner and the business she co-founded. She said it was emotional and not physical just kissing.

I just caught her again last night cheating with her business partner and she came clean and said she has been cheating again with her business partner since last April 2017. I found out by phone recordings this was an intimate sexual affair.

She says she loves me. She says she will leave her business. She says she will do anything to save our marriage. I gave her the gift of a second chance. I gave her the gift of staying in her business with her partner.He is a widow and 20 years younger than I am and 18 years younger than she is.I only say that because she does not view this a possible long term relationship in her words.A third chance?

She is the love of my life in my heart and marriage for 28 years. I do not want to divorce. But I am completely crushed and lost and need perspective.
You caught her, she had no intention of ever coming clean. Do not give her another chance, she blew it. Your marriage ended the day she betrayed you again.

Your options - Divorce and grieve the loss. Stay together and give her another chance, she'll continue to cheat on you with him or someone else. Stay together but have an open marriage, this way you both can keep the house and your life together and have someone on the side to fulfill needs. (though I doubt you're that type of person, rightfully so). Stay together and always wonder if she's cheating on you...

No decisions have to made right now but she needs to suffer some major consequences. Kick her out and file for divorce (let her think you are). Tell her to go move in with the Widow'd man/business partner. that you are DONE and she can do as she pleases. If you allow her to stay she won't respect you, she'll push you around and wait it out like she did last time.

Sorry that you're hurting.
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