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Second Time Caught Same Man


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 28th October 2017, 3:46 AM   #1
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Second Time Caught Same Man

Please I am not looking for judgements I am looking for help and perspective and let me say a big thank you in advance for anyones perspective.

I caught my wife in June 2016 having an affair with her business partner...actually my daughter helped me in discovery. What happened next was long story short promised to never ever do it again. I let her stay with her business partner and the business she co-founded. She said it was emotional and not physical just kissing.

I just caught her again last night cheating with her business partner and she came clean and said she has been cheating again with her business partner since last April 2017. I found out by phone recordings this was an intimate sexual affair.

She says she loves me. She says she will leave her business. She says she will do anything to save our marriage. I gave her the gift of a second chance. I gave her the gift of staying in her business with her partner.He is a widow and 20 years younger than I am and 18 years younger than she is.I only say that because she does not view this a possible long term relationship in her words.A third chance?

She is the love of my life in my heart and marriage for 28 years. I do not want to divorce. But I am completely crushed and lost and need perspective.
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Old 28th October 2017, 6:42 AM   #2
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This usually starts with the wayward spouse having NO Contact with their affair partner, for life. And your wife would need to embrace transparency, meaning she is proactive with sharing her whereabouts with you and fully endorses any need you may feel to check up on her.

Obviously, she can’t stay in business with this guy in that scenario. How’s she going to even dissolve the business? Frankly, I’d want to move 1000 miles away.

On a different angle, why do you want to stay? This obviously wasn’t some drunken one-night stand that she confessed as a huge mistake. You must know that it’s unlikely that she’s being truthful, even now. She’s been with this guy time and time again, probably from the start of the first affair until now. But suddenly at the exact moment when you discover the affair (again), she now loves you and wants only you? That would be a pretty remarkable coincidence.

What’s far more likely is that she would have continued to be the liar and cheater that she is, indefinitely. She’s not stopped out of any love or respect for you. She’s afraid of what she will lose if she doesn’t manage you and your reaction. She doesn’t want to lose her home or suffer the damage to her reputation, especially with family. And so (like last time), she will tell you whatever you need to hear and minimize the affair. Remember that “just kissing” bull-crap? She was in damage-control mode then and she’s in damage control mode now.

But knowing all of this, why would you want to keep a partner (for all things in life) that has no problem lying straight to your face while she runs around with another guy? You might say it’s because you love her. I’d say you hardly even know who your wife is. She’s certainly not who your thought she was. What’s far more likely is that you’re in a stage of damage control yourself. One day everything is going just fine with your life; the next day you’re facing the loss of your wife, your nuclear family, the home you’ve built... Suddenly everything you care about is crumbling. Your whole life investment is destroyed. And your ego and self-esteem are in the toilet. The one person to whom you should be able to turn is the person that beytrayed you. And you can’t control any of it.

But if your wife says she wants to stay, it assuages your broken heart. And it salvages the investment. And it gives you a sense of control. Since she is in damage control mode herself, she instantly says she’ll give you whatever you need, and on a silver platter.

But you know what’s on the silver platter? A great big huge sh/t sandwich that she’s prepared for you. Want to choke it down?

Screw that. Put down the sandwich. You don’t need this woman. You didn’t do anything wrong. You don’t need to choke down anything.

My advice? Pack her things, put them on the OM’s doorstep and give him a heads-up that she’s moving in. Then see an attorney and file for divorce. Look up “the 180” and do it. When friends and family ask what’s up, let ‘em know that your wife felt entitled to play single while she was married and that didn’t work for you. Keep your self-respect.

Divorces take a long time. If your wife’s damage control efforts fail and yet she still quits the job on her own, maintains NC on her own, and her actions consistently demonstrate her true remorse, then you could always pause the proceedings.

To have hope of restoring your marriage, you have to be willing to lose it.

Not ready to do these things? That’s pretty normal and it’s the damage-control mode talking. Sorry you’re here. Infidelity sucks.
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Old 28th October 2017, 7:12 AM   #3
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Your previous mistake was to let her get away with cheating with no price she had to pay.

Now it's more complicated. Let's analyize it. She agrees to stop only after you catch her. It's a fact that she is willing to do everything in order to keep you, only when she feels a clear and present danger to her well being. If you ask me, most chances (90%) that she had cheated on you more than you know, with other men. Because I think it's a character issue on her part. This is who she is.

So if you want my "clear and present" advice, I'd say the only way you can stay with her is if you think you can maintain a permanent status in which feels a clear and present danger to lose you.

The way I sense you, you can't handle this task. You're too weak. She feels you. She knows you. It's not in your nature to hold her with a short rope. So, if you can't let her feel that she can lose you literaly every day, don't bother staying. She will cheat again.
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Old 28th October 2017, 7:45 AM   #4
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Quote:
Originally Posted by ablankslate View Post
Please I am not looking for judgements I am looking for help and perspective and let me say a big thank you in advance for anyones perspective.

I caught my wife in June 2016 having an affair with her business partner...actually my daughter helped me in discovery. What happened next was long story short promised to never ever do it again. I let her stay with her business partner and the business she co-founded. She said it was emotional and not physical just kissing.

I just caught her again last night cheating with her business partner and she came clean and said she has been cheating again with her business partner since last April 2017. I found out by phone recordings this was an intimate sexual affair.

She says she loves me. She says she will leave her business. She says she will do anything to save our marriage. I gave her the gift of a second chance. I gave her the gift of staying in her business with her partner.He is a widow and 20 years younger than I am and 18 years younger than she is.I only say that because she does not view this a possible long term relationship in her words.A third chance?

She is the love of my life in my heart and marriage for 28 years. I do not want to divorce. But I am completely crushed and lost and need perspective.
If divorce is not an option then what exactly can anyone here do for you?

For one she won't leave the business, that's just heat of the moment save her ass talk, secondly the affair wasn't over the first time, it just continued underground.

Perspective from outside is you have a cheating wife who's been in a long term affair and the minute you found out the first time she should have been doing her utmost to save the marriage. So when the heat dies down and that good sex comes calling again what's to stop her hopping back right into the sack with the OM? No consequences the first time around, how can she respect a man that sent her back to the guy she was banging?

What will be different now?
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Old 28th October 2017, 7:48 AM   #5
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If they have contact the affair will continue just like last time. It never stopped.

She's the love of your life. It's a shame she doesn't feel that way about you.

You'll wallow in this until you wake up. Cheaters lie a lot and that all you've gotten. Her word are meaningless and you can't trust anything she says.
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Old 28th October 2017, 8:05 AM   #6
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I'm sorry, you have trusted this woman and built a life with her... and she hasn't given you the same trust, honesty, and respect in return. That is very sad. You deserve more from your wife.

I have nothing new to say. She cheated once - that was her fault. Now, you've caught her cheating again. Stay with this dishonest and unfaithful woman, and whatever happens in the future will be your fault because YOU knew the story, and YOU chose to stay.

IF you are trying to save the marriage, she MUST go no contact, leave the business, and do everything she can to regain your trust... beginning with full transparency. Can she do this - I would doubt it, given the fact that she has been in a long term affair and has told you the truth not because she feels remorse and wants to save your marriage, but only because she was caught.

It takes two to have a marriage, and right now your partner has one, if not two, feet out the door... I'm sorry.
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Old 28th October 2017, 8:15 AM   #7
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I would not give her a 3rd chance. What next, a 4th chance?

Please reconsider your stance on a divorce or separation. Face it. She has treated you poorly. You deserve to be treated better than this. It sucks and it's terrible but she had her second chance and screwed that up.
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Old 28th October 2017, 8:23 AM   #8
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The saddest part is that her daughter caught her the first time. If the OM is married, tell his wife.
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Old 28th October 2017, 8:27 AM   #9
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The saddest part is that her daughter caught her the first time.
I agree. This woman has no shame. What a terrible thing for a daughter to learn about her mother.
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Old 28th October 2017, 8:42 AM   #10
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The saddest part is that her daughter caught her the first time. If the OM is married, tell his wife.
He is a widower.
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Old 28th October 2017, 9:14 AM   #11
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I can't see myself giving her a third chance. What happens in April 2018 when she's back at it again?

If you do want to give her a third chance, have her sign a postnuptial agreement that leans heavily in your favor. She should definitely quit the job and make all electronic devices available to you and submit to regular annual polygraph exams. Have her submit to one right now, in fact, just to see how egregiously she lies about the claim that it wasn't physical.

If that's how you want to live the rest of your life, it's up to you. The good news is that it sounds like your wife is not too far from dying of old age. But somewhere out there is a woman who will love and respect you, and only you. How long do you want her to wait for you?

Last edited by WilyWill; 28th October 2017 at 9:18 AM..
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Old 28th October 2017, 9:23 AM   #12
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The good news is that it sounds like your wife is not too far from dying of old age.
What makes you say that?
She is two years younger than the OP.
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Old 28th October 2017, 10:07 AM   #13
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I read this at 3:45 am. To tired to respond.

Another reason to not start a new thread for there is no
detailed background information. We don't know how
she was caught, if you suspected this restart and how
you caught her.

Where you dumb enough to of revealed how she was
caught the last time so she learnt how to better hide an
affair.

What did you do to affair proof your marriage (buy a new
broom to rug sweep).

What advice were you given.

What actions did you take to recovery your marriage.



Divorce is not the only answer for you.

Why?

Well it is not unusual for a WW to have a relapse and restart
her affair. This happens when contact is allowed to continue
between the WW and the OM.

Affairs restart when there is no consequence for their cheating.
Did you expose the affair the first time. How did you expose.
Who did you expose.



You want to save your marriage now you must do these things.


Full exposure, without advance warning, expose to the
OM wife, his parents and siblings, use FB for contact info.
Copy and past all OM's friends contact info before he blocks
you on FB. Send messages out every 2 minutes so FB spam
filters do not shut you down.

Expose to WW's parents and siblings and your children.

NC must be in place as of now.

WW sells her share of the business. If OM will not pay
a fair share then she sells her share to someone else.

WW must live her life as an open book access to her phone
and all e-accounts and passwords.

New phone number for WW and block OM from all of WW
e-accounts.

Last, and very important is that you and WW must move far
away from the OM. She is addicted to her OM. If you want to
recover your marriage you need to make it to hard for the
OM to have contact with her. Specially when he can find
another WW that is local.

Then WW can never go back to visit the old home town again
alone, that means without you.
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Old 28th October 2017, 10:13 AM   #14
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Originally Posted by elaine567 View Post
What makes you say that?
She is two years younger than the OP.
Ooops, you're right. I misread that part.
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Old 28th October 2017, 10:55 AM   #15
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This is a very sad story.
She says after all this that she loves you? You judge a person by their actions and not by their words and her actions speak volumes.

She has constantly lied to your face and continued to put your health at risk for STD's. Is this how she shows she loves you? If the roles were reversed would she be acting as you have been acting? No consequences to her actions equals no motivation to change.

She has only stopped because she was caught again. Otherwise, it would still be continuing. You know that there had to be times that she was intimate with you after she had been with him. She clearly has no respect for you, your marriage and your family.

1. Get tested for STD's.
2. Contact OM's spouse or significant other.
3. Contact an attorney to understand your options.

You strike me as one of the real nice guys which is the problem. I am guessing that down deep she understood that even if she got caught over and over again you would always forgive her so she had nothing to lose. Nobody and I mean nobody respects a doormat.

IF YOU DO NOT RESPECT YOURSELF THEN WHO WILL?
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