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Finding out about length of time that wife's affair with OM lasted.


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Old 22nd October 2017, 10:36 AM   #1
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Finding out about length of time that wife's affair with OM lasted.

I'm 41, and live in NYC, well, just on the edges of Manhattan, but not within the actual borough itself. Been with my wife since I was 18, we met in the neighborhood.
Our relationship's an interracial one, me being Italian-American, her being Indian (not native American Indian, she's from San Francisco Bay Area and is Indian as in India the country). My wife (43) is a businesswoman and has worked for the same company for 14 years now and has to travel for her job.

We have two daughters, aged 15 and 17. My 15-year-old daughter has autism and I'm worried about how my wife's revelation will have an effect on her.

Last night, my wife asked me to come into the computer room with her, said "We need to talk, it's important." . In any honesty, I was expecting a job-related or family-related but it was much worse.

She told me how she'd been having an affair with an OM, who was a South African immigrant to the US, since December 1998, when she met him, he's 2 years younger than her, and that she'd met him when she'd done one of her frequent business trips to California for work, and that the OM wasn't involved with work.

Then she put in a CD-ROM on the Mac and showed me a load of JPEGs of the OM wearing her bikinis, including one of him in a bright pink crop top and bikini briefs, sort of like a tankini, and one of him on the john in our house in a sports bra and panties. (The photos were from August 2015, by the way).

She said she'd done it when I was out at work, when the girls were in school and that she had photos dating back to March 2002 of him wearing her bikinis.

Then she admitted in full detail every single restaurant she'd been to with him and the full details of the affair and said she liked him because he was good-looking, funny and had a good sense of humor.

I feel like divorcing her, but worry about the effect on my kids, my autistic daughter doesn't respond well to major changes in her life.

My wife said she wants to have a blended family with me, our kids and OM's kids. She admitted that OM is married to a former glamor model from South Africa who lives in California most of the year, Arizona some of the year and that OM said "I'm going to leave my wife for you, just got to tell her when, make up something about unhappy marriage, y'know."

I don't think my wife really knows this OM at all, and I've never met him.

I told my sister about this three days after the incident (sister lives in St. Paul, MN, but is considering moving to Los Angeles, coincidentally) and she suggested I confront the OM and find out why he had this affair, she said "If my fiance had an affair with another woman, I'd wanna confront her, maybe not bitch-slap her, but still... find out what gives.".

I really don't know what to do for the best, would anyone be able to help me deal with this, I feel sad and depressed and don't know how to cope. My only real source of support is my sister, and she's in St. Paul, MN so it's not as if I can drive to see her locally.

This behavior is completely unexpected from my wife and I never had any reason to feel suspicious at all during our marriage (we got married aged 23). Not one bit.

How should I deal with this? Sorry for wall of text.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 10:53 AM   #2
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Quote:
Originally Posted by tajenwah1 View Post
I'm 41, and live in NYC, well, just on the edges of Manhattan, but not within the actual borough itself. Been with my wife since I was 18, we met in the neighborhood.
Our relationship's an interracial one, me being Italian-American, her being Indian (not native American Indian, she's from San Francisco Bay Area and is Indian as in India the country). My wife (43) is a businesswoman and has worked for the same company for 14 years now and has to travel for her job.

We have two daughters, aged 15 and 17. My 15-year-old daughter has autism and I'm worried about how my wife's revelation will have an effect on her.

Last night, my wife asked me to come into the computer room with her, said "We need to talk, it's important." . In any honesty, I was expecting a job-related or family-related but it was much worse.

She told me how she'd been having an affair with an OM, who was a South African immigrant to the US, since December 1998, when she met him, he's 2 years younger than her, and that she'd met him when she'd done one of her frequent business trips to California for work, and that the OM wasn't involved with work.

Then she put in a CD-ROM on the Mac and showed me a load of JPEGs of the OM wearing her bikinis, including one of him in a bright pink crop top and bikini briefs, sort of like a tankini, and one of him on the john in our house in a sports bra and panties. (The photos were from August 2015, by the way).

She said she'd done it when I was out at work, when the girls were in school and that she had photos dating back to March 2002 of him wearing her bikinis.

Then she admitted in full detail every single restaurant she'd been to with him and the full details of the affair and said she liked him because he was good-looking, funny and had a good sense of humor.

I feel like divorcing her, but worry about the effect on my kids, my autistic daughter doesn't respond well to major changes in her life.

My wife said she wants to have a blended family with me, our kids and OM's kids. She admitted that OM is married to a former glamor model from South Africa who lives in California most of the year, Arizona some of the year and that OM said "I'm going to leave my wife for you, just got to tell her when, make up something about unhappy marriage, y'know."

I don't think my wife really knows this OM at all, and I've never met him.

I told my sister about this three days after the incident (sister lives in St. Paul, MN, but is considering moving to Los Angeles, coincidentally) and she suggested I confront the OM and find out why he had this affair, she said "If my fiance had an affair with another woman, I'd wanna confront her, maybe not bitch-slap her, but still... find out what gives.".

I really don't know what to do for the best, would anyone be able to help me deal with this, I feel sad and depressed and don't know how to cope. My only real source of support is my sister, and she's in St. Paul, MN so it's not as if I can drive to see her locally.

This behavior is completely unexpected from my wife and I never had any reason to feel suspicious at all during our marriage (we got married aged 23). Not one bit.

How should I deal with this? Sorry for wall of text.
Wow... I am so sorry that you are dealing with this situation.. Unfortunately, I think it is going to take a little while for the gravity of what she has done to settle in, emotionally. But, you need to act quickly in order to ensure that you and your daughters' futures are secure.

I rarely suggest that anyone ask for a divorce on this site but I recommend it in this situation. I would hunt down a lawyer tomorrow and be ready to fight like hell for your kids. She cannot have her cake and eat it too in this situation. She doesn't get to screw around and then take your children to start a "blended family"; that's not the way a marriage works. I know your world has been completely turned upside down (I've been in your shoes) but don't hesitate to act.

I know NOTHING about NY divorce law but I would get my hands on those pics ASAP if you can file on the grounds of infidelity. This will bolster your case in court and make sure that you get at least split custody of the kids and that all debt and property are split directly down the middle. And, I would ask her to leave the house. If she refuses, then I would leave. You really do need distance from this woman if you're going to get in the right state of mind to fight this.

I know that my advice is a lot to take in right now but I truly believe this is your best course of action. Make the preemptive strike, get a lawyer involved and fight like hell for your daughters. Yes, this is going to turn their world inside-out but that is on their mother; no you. I would do everything I could to make sure she was alone, on her butt and watching her delusions of grandeur slip away.

Whether you contact the OM's significant other is your call but get things going on your end before you go there.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 11:04 AM   #3
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Get copies of her OM’s pics and correspondence and do some exposure to his wife etc.

You’d better consult an attorney immediately to find out what your rights are.

Your wife is a nut case and like most you are trying to justify or find excuse for her behavior.

Don’t because there aren’t any.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 11:09 AM   #4
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Say nothing until you get your ducks in a row, have consulted a lawyer, know your rights and your cash and assets are secured.

She has told you this of her own accord so she will have a plan.
She has had years to prepare for this, so do not under-estimate her.
Do not free wheel here as you are shocked, the time for grief is after you have protected yourself and your kids.

And what is him wearirg her bikinis and her underwear all about????
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Old 22nd October 2017, 11:09 AM   #5
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If you do the “pick me dance” or try and Nice her back at this time it will lower your status even further and put you in worse shape than you are.

Never leave or move out of your home!!!

Start an immediate hard 180 no contact with your wayward wife and move her out of your bedroom. OM sounds crazy so you’d better get tested for STD’s and stay away from your wife.

Get strong and take control now. If you don’t she will.

Better wake up quick!!!
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Old 22nd October 2017, 11:16 AM   #6
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19 year affair. And she doesn’t confess out of guilt but because she wants a new blended family. And she shows you those crazy photos.

You should be in attorney’s office. Yesterday.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 11:39 AM   #7
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Collect evidence gently and softly, behave nice to her and go to see an attorney immediatelly.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 11:51 AM   #8
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She brought him into your home to have sex while you were working. This is the ultimate in disrespect and betrayal. She clearly has no respect for you whatsoever.

If you do not respect yourself then who will?

1. Get tested for STD's immediately.
2. See an attorney at once.

You know that she was with him sexually in the day while you were with her at night. If the roles were reversed would she be acting like yoiu?
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Old 22nd October 2017, 1:21 PM   #9
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You said she wants a blended family with you, your kids and OM's kids.

But not the OM?
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Old 22nd October 2017, 1:34 PM   #10
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This is very confusing, yet one of the worse stories I've heard...20 year affair, then one day the wife's says "hey come check out 20 years of my affair, and by the way we are all going to be a family" something is off with your wife that she thought this was ok
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Old 22nd October 2017, 2:23 PM   #11
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Grab ALL the evidence you can, get an attorney asap. Hell your daughters might not even be yours, that she suddenly wants to get them aquainted with their possible siblings should set off all kind of warning signs.

Quote:
Originally Posted by tajenwah1 View Post
My wife said she wants to have a blended family with me, our kids and OM's kids. She admitted that OM is married to a former glamor model from South Africa who lives in California most of the year, Arizona some of the year and that OM said "I'm going to leave my wife for you, just got to tell her when, make up something about unhappy marriage, y'know."
THIS is basically the worst part of all of this. She has come to you NOT because she feels guilty about anything she has done. She has not come to you because she wants to end your relationship properly. She seems to feel no remorse or guilt AT ALL.

She has come to you because she does not respect you anymore in the slightest. Whatever she once saw in you seems to be gone. She just basically straight up told you she wants to bring her affair partner and his children into your relationship. She is walking all over you and she seems to believe that no matter the outcome, she will get away with all of this.

Just let it sink in, she wants her affair partner to pretty much become her official partner with you sticking around to help pay bills and with the children. That's how she views you, like someone who would take this chance to stick with her, who would willingly completely debase and embarass himself.


Get an attorney, get the evidence, get a DNA test and get her through the wringer. As soon as you have all but the last of these. Inform the wife of her AP, so she can do the same and someone else is taking up a confrontation with the two of them.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 3:00 PM   #12
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DNA test the kids.

Get STD tested.

See lawyer after getting copies of everything.

Burn her damn wedding dress if she still has it. I would dispose of all the wedding pictures as well.

This has never been a true marriage between the two of you. You got all the hardship in the marriage and the OM got all the fun out of your wife.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 6:12 PM   #13
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Blended Family?

She was kidding right ?

SMH

55
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Old 22nd October 2017, 6:19 PM   #14
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What do you think about your daughters' new step-dad wearing their mom's bikini?

What do you think about your wife NOT being bothered that her daughters' potential new step-dad is wearing her bikini??

Not to mention that she basically just dumped this GIANT news on you and expects you to roll with the punches. Like, HUH?

Something is just so totally off with this. Call an attorney. Yes, get the pictures. I'm thinking the best you can hope for is custody of your poor girls.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 7:26 PM   #15
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She has confessed to an almost 20 year afair during which she has shown you such little respect that she actually brought this man into your home. She has only confessed because she wants to have a blended family...

My goodness, this woman is delusional. I'm sorry, for the life you have been living, the marriage that you thought you shared, has been a lie.

It's easy for a stranger to say on the Internet, but I would divorce this crazy woman. There is absolutely no way that I would tolerate this kind of disrespectful behavior in my marriage. Your responsibility now is to care for your children. I'm so sorry...
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