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Counseling together to get over the affair. What shall I expect?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 30th October 2017, 4:31 AM   #46
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Then called them and chose one from my list, simply because the office was more conveniently positioned.
It's not easy to find a good therapist. Most of them won't fit, and many of them aren't so good and can damage the proccess instead of helping.

When you choose a therapist based on her\his convenient location, what really can you expect? If I had a problem, and a therapist would have told me "don't think about the problem, and to stop looking at the past and to get over it" I would have left the session immediatelly. You really can't get lower than that as a therapist.

About getting over it. When I found out about my first wife's infidelity, we were very young. I was in love with her, I knew she loved me, It happened just once, so I decided to stay.

Yes, I got over it. It took me 3 years. Immediatelly after I figured out that I got over it, I broke up with her and divorced. Because Only after I stopped being busy with my pain, I understood that thing will never be pure between us. I realized that I don't want to be with her. I didn't understand that before the pain was gone. And in my case there was no trickle truth. She confessed immediatelly.
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Old 30th October 2017, 7:34 AM   #47
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This for sure...

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Originally Posted by lolablue17 View Post
It's not easy to find a good therapist. Most of them won't fit, and many of them aren't so good and can damage the proccess instead of helping.

When you choose a therapist based on her\his convenient location, what really can you expect? If I had a problem, and a therapist would have told me "don't think about the problem, and to stop looking at the past and to get over it" I would have left the session immediatelly. You really can't get lower than that as a therapist.

About getting over it. When I found out about my first wife's infidelity, we were very young. I was in love with her, I knew she loved me, It happened just once, so I decided to stay.

Yes, I got over it. It took me 3 years. Immediatelly after I figured out that I got over it, I broke up with her and divorced. Because Only after I stopped being busy with my pain, I understood that thing will never be pure between us. I realized that I don't want to be with her. I didn't understand that before the pain was gone. And in my case there was no trickle truth. She confessed immediatelly.
I in fact had this experience... The MC pulled this with me and I said you are kidding me. I got up and walked out.

If the MC had been a man, I would have punched him in the face and then walked out.
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Old 30th October 2017, 11:45 AM   #48
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Hi, as the subject of the thread says, I am not sure what to expect from couple consueling. 3 + months after DDay we decided to give it a shot. I am the one who was betrayed. I am willing to give it another go and I think we need help to get over the anger (mine) the shame (his) and to learn to communicate better. Thing is I still have a lot of questions even if he closed all contacts with the people he had extra-marital indiscretions with (one was an ex, just two months into our relationship before getting married, they had sex a couple of times) the others were texting, more or less explicit with old fwbs. I found out all together only 3 months ago. He wants us to move on. I feel like I want to move on but knowing what happened and why it happened. He hopes ( and thinks) that the therapist will suggest me to just stop asking questions and get on with our life. I hope the therapist will help him make safe enough to be more open about what happened. As I've never had an experience like this before I don't know what to expect. Every experience is welcome. Thanks
I think it's not entirely a waste of time if the person is any good at what they do, but forget it as a means of 'fixing' you as a couple within a set period of time. I am 100% sure that couples need to do therapy as individuals first, mainly the WS to be properly accountable to himself, to the BS and to individuals and to people deceived outside the marriage. But the BS also needs it sometimes to validate and relieve the swarming emotions swirling around the BS's head and heart and return to the present.

But I'd just like to emphasize the part you've already zeroed in on with your husband - the get-it-over-with motives, the "shame" playing card and all the other layers of behaviors that are aimed at moving the spotlight somewhere else. Included in that will be outbursts - probably outside of therapy - when the story isn't being spun the way he's comfortable with. That will be very telling of his motives - rug-sweeping or reconciliation with true remorse (not shame)? - and that will let you weigh the value of your investment.
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Old 30th October 2017, 2:43 PM   #49
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Hi Muun, thank you for clarifying your point of view. I can understand how difficult this situation is for you. While I agree that shame may be holding back your husband, the fact that you have pity on him indicates a loss of respect on your part for him, which may be difficult to surmount. Once a wife or a husband loses respect for their spouse I think there is no coming back from it. As you yourself have said you are not fully sure that you will feel the same towards him from now henceforth. Apart from anything else, I think he has not hit rock bottom and is still angling to get out of this situation by wriggling like an eel. Unless he hits rock bottom and realizes what he has done and how he has damaged the relationship and hurt you, he will not start feeling the beginnings of remorse.

It is only when he is overcome with remorse that there is a chance that he will stand a chance of being the man you once thought he was. Remorse, in it's true form is like a cleansing of the mind, body and soul. It is the pathway to turning over a brand new leaf. Without it you are going to be flogging a dead horse. He has to be induced somehow to start feeling remorseful and if this means that you file for divorce and shock him into a realization that all that he held dear, then maybe the remorse will start to set in. It is like jump starting a car with an external battery or applying electrical shock to a person whose heart has stopped beating. You can stop the divorce proceedings anytime you find that your husband has become truly remorseful and is prepared to do whatever it takes for him to heal the relationship and you. Just think about it. Warm wishes.
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Old 5th November 2017, 1:15 PM   #50
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Truthfully, here is what to expect from my dismal, less-than-optimal experience:

1. Expect to have to try at least 2 or 3 therapists. Don't feel the need to settle for the first one if anything seems off or not your style. You don't want to go through this with someone you feel uncomfortable around and/or who does not have your best interests in mind.

2. Expect that therapy alone, in many cases, will NOT absolve your pain. Usually therapy sounds good on paper but in real life will often NOT bring you the closure or even the answers you desire. Polygraphs are better for getting answers (mostly because of the infamous "parking lot confessions" that often occur immediately prior), but you have to tread carefully and make sure you're getting an authentic polygraph, not a scam, without paying out the whazoo.

3. Expect some therapist to be more concerned with rugsweeping and smoothing things over than getting to the root of things or having you get all the answers you seek.

4. Expect some therapists to possibly get swayed or manipulated by the wayward spouse. Obviously the wayward is good at manipulating people if he was able to dupe you into thinking he was faithful for a while before you discovered his affair. Usually the wayward will put on a crying act, crocodile tears, or even claim a substance abuse "addiction" or desire to "harm or kill oneself" just to get people to ease off him and coddle him, thus effectively deflecting away from you getting the answers you crave.

5. Expect even the "good" therapists to condemn any suggestions you have for supposedly "slutty," unconventional, extramarital ideas for your own coping or your marriage, such as: revenge affairs, swinging, or any type of open marriage that involves you being with anyone but your wayward. I know from experience that not all revenge affairs are "bad" or a "death toll" to the marriage, but in fact may be necessary for a betrayed to regain self confidence, closure, and sanity.

6. Expect the wayward to possibly lie even through therapy sessions. Remember, he's lied before and he's also a manipulator. In some cases, the therapist may not want to see the wayward anymore or see you guys as a couple, because he feels that the wayward is not taking therapy seriously. Therapists have even less patience for being lied to and deceived than we do.
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