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Counseling together to get over the affair. What shall I expect?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 26th October 2017, 9:05 AM   #31
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Sorry to hear this.

Some therapist are like this. Others are the opposite and would have been all over you husband to do what you needed (with in reason). You got with the wrong therapist. It has only reinforced your husbands view points.

You can go to an individual therapist - if you find the right one for you. It may not be to save your marriage, but for your own peace and ability to move on (in the marriage or out of it). You need someone to offer you some sympathy and real guidance .
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Old 26th October 2017, 10:37 AM   #32
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Yep, pop phycology strikes again...

Quote:
Originally Posted by Mun View Post
Yesterday we went for the first session with the MC, and I t was very disappointing to be honest. Exactly as many of you were thinking the therapist told me to stop looking at the past, stop thinking to monitor my husband and to expect to see proofs of his honesty in the for of emails or texts etc because those were private conversations between him and the other person. She added that if I want to trust him I just have to take the risk. I found this a big pile of bull**** to be honest. I know that if I could (or wanted) do that I would do it already but I need to regain this trust while I also choose to trust. He off course jumped on the vagon as quick as he could and wasn't happy about me deciding not to go back to this therapist. Thing is that Rebuilding trust can't happen blindly for me unfortunately. I feel stuck about what to do next and I think I should seek professional help myself to deal with the damage I received.
I'm starting to feel pretty hopeless to be honest.
Yep, pop Psychology strikes again...

This is what we were all talking about with these stupid Marriage counselors. Dollars to donuts none of them have been cheated on.

Of course don't go back to this one.

Here is the problem, your husband wants to rug sweep this thing, just like most if not all WS's.

Even worse, it is also a sign that he may still be seeing her. The usual tactic is get wife/husband calmed down to a certain extent, and then continue as before, just be more careful.

The thing is that HE STILL DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT HE HAS DONE because if he did he would see that this MC is a total joke and it is not where you guys need to be.

I am afraid that his attitude does not bode well for reconciliation...
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Old 26th October 2017, 11:03 AM   #33
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I also want to add this. The last couples therapist I dragged my wife to - said the following after several months of difficult couples work where I could see the puzzled looks on the therapists face as my WW spoke...she said " Mrs. Dichotomy, you got a great husband, one many women would love to have. You need to get your act together and start making some changes. I only need to see YOU alone from now on, not as as a couple"

I could have kissed that therapist.

My wife went twice alone and stopped. I suspect I know why - it was getting to the "$h!t or get off the pot" talk and my wife wanted neither choice - she wanted status quo.

My point is this - even if you found the right therapist who called out your husband and gave him "what for". He might have still stopped going - just like he is doing with this bad therapist who says to forget and move on. If your husband does not want to change or do the work - he won't regardless. It would have just have given you some peace and sanity if your therapist did what mine did - but it might not have changed your husband anyway.

but you have the ability to change, to be in control of your life, choices and how you interact -whether you divorce or stay married - YOU can change how you live and act. Time to take charge and put on the wonder woman outfit. Then your husband can decided on if he wants to put up with the new you and new marriage.
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Last edited by dichotomy; 26th October 2017 at 11:09 AM..
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Old 26th October 2017, 11:46 AM   #34
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I know he stopped every contact

These women live one in another country and the other 6 hours by car.
I have access to all his devices. I am positive he's not doing anything bad now.
But what still prevents me to move on and start trusting again is that I am hurt but funnily enough looks like everybody is expecting me to be a if girl and move on, no questions asked. I find it unrespectful as it's indirectly minimizing his actions. And if stays like this I don't think I will ever be able to move on. DDay was 3,5 months ago plus trickle truth coming up a couple more times because of me investigating. The cut is still fresh in my humble opinion.

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Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
Yep, pop Psychology strikes again...

This is what we were all talking about with these stupid Marriage counselors. Dollars to donuts none of them have been cheated on.

Of course don't go back to this one.

Here is the problem, your husband wants to rug sweep this thing, just like most if not all WS's.

Even worse, it is also a sign that he may still be seeing her. The usual tactic is get wife/husband calmed down to a certain extent, and then continue as before, just be more careful.

The thing is that HE STILL DOES NOT UNDERSTAND WHAT HE HAS DONE because if he did he would see that this MC is a total joke and it is not where you guys need to be.

I am afraid that his attitude does not bode well for reconciliation...
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Old 26th October 2017, 12:16 PM   #35
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Reconciliation from an A is really hard. And both parties need to be 100% in, especially the wayward spouse. Unfortunately it doesn't sound like your WH is putting 100% in.

Something I failed to mention in my earlier post is that while we didn't do MC, we did do something for ourselves. We called it Talk Time. In the first couple of months after d-day it was 2-3x a week. It was rough. We talked about the A and the aftermath. About what he needed from me. As time went on, the meetings went down to 1x a week. We talked about other issues in our marriage and how we could've handled them differently, what we wanted in the future. We talked about what I was learning in IC. He pushed me to look farther, to peel the onion back more. It wasn't blame as much as me taking full responsibility for my actions and learning from them. We were in the same marriage with the same issues; yet I was the one who stepped out. That choice was all on me.

After d-day I read a ton on marriages, infidelity, relationships. I wanted to understand why I did what I did so that I wouldn't make the same choice again. I wanted to understand as much as I could what my H was going through so I could help him. Everything I did was toward the goal of fixing myself and helping my H.

Is your H doing things to help you? Or is it just about you getting over this? If it's the latter, that's why I suggested IC for him first, so he can learn to see the pain his choices have caused. If he truly can't see what he's done, I'm not sure what to tell you.

GL.
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Old 26th October 2017, 12:35 PM   #36
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Mun View Post
Yesterday we went for the first session with the MC, and I t was very disappointing to be honest. Exactly as many of you were thinking the therapist told me to stop looking at the past, stop thinking to monitor my husband and to expect to see proofs of his honesty in the for of emails or texts etc because those were private conversations between him and the other person. She added that if I want to trust him I just have to take the risk. I found this a big pile of bull**** to be honest. I know that if I could (or wanted) do that I would do it already but I need to regain this trust while I also choose to trust. He off course jumped on the vagon as quick as he could and wasn't happy about me deciding not to go back to this therapist. Thing is that Rebuilding trust can't happen blindly for me unfortunately. I feel stuck about what to do next and I think I should seek professional help myself to deal with the damage I received.
I'm starting to feel pretty hopeless to be honest.
As a BS myself, our natural reaction is to get professional help for situations like infidelity. The trust is shattered, the person you signed up with is not who you thought you had and feel like you don't know your spouse, and the fact that you were stabbed in a betrayal worse than anyone has betrayed you happened from the person who is supposed to be one with you. That is a heavy load. Fact is there are very few therapists that are trained for this kind of issue. They use cookie cutter approaches like having you read 'after the affair' and focus way too much on 'communication styles' instead of what is wrong with a WS character that would allow them to betray the person who they are supposed to be one with.


The 1st therapist I saw was a complete nightmare. She wouldn't touch the CSA issues my wife endured. Frankly, all she did was try and MAKE ME ACCOUNTABLE for my WIFE running into an ex FWB randomly and striking up an affair with him. BULLS***. I am not perfect but that was not my fault. I saw fairly early on she had a big bias against men in general. She tried and explore some minor things in our relationship but never addressing my wife's character for betraying me. I even had to remind the idiot why we were there and I was told that I needed to 'get over it.' When I expressed things my wife was doing again that was intended to push me away when she was having the affair I was told, 'that was then this is now.' Its criminal that woman took our money. Even my wife agreed she was getting us no where and not at all fair to me.


The 2nd only focused on communication and frankly that can be touched upon and moved on from. She didn't really want to explore root causes and what will be different in the future versus the choices she made. I found the whole experience to be a disaster and while the 2nd didn't really make me a bad guy, both let my wife play victim which pissed me off. Another thing with this stupid communication approach with the 2nd one was I could say you were a child molester and so long as it came out of my mouth you had to recognize what I said as 'valid.' Well, my wife flat out lied about some things and I was expected to 'validate' things she knew damn well were not true. Well, an opinion can be validated but flat out distorting facts by lying will not be!


If you have the money, you may want to contact Dr. Lee Baucom as he is in Louisville, KY I think. He is known for attacking misperceptions and realizing communication is not the issue at the heart itself and is the 1st to say MC is a big waste of time, emotion, and money.
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Old 26th October 2017, 6:50 PM   #37
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All I can say is, find a counselor you like.

DO NOT SETTLE.

We went to this quack for nearly a year. Every single session started with me saying, "I don't like them working together" (W and OM still worked in the same building). Every. Single. Time.

And every single time, I was met with constant rebuttals as to why its ok for them to still work together.

I remember our last session vividly. I started off with my usual and added, "there's only 3 people in this WORLD that would agree that its a good idea for my wife to work with her affair partner - YOU (pointing to my wife), YOU (now pointing to the MC), and OM. I wonder what his wife would think if I finally told her - I bet she wouldn't like it".

The MC said, "if you tell his wife, you've officially ended your chance of reconciliation". Then my wife said, "and if you tell her, we're done". I said, "we're done regardless", and I walked out.

Shortly afterwards, I found out on social media that OM got promoted at her work. That would make him my wife's immediate supervisor. She walked out the day he was promoted and never looked back. Had she stayed on, she knew I was done. I was almost done anyway with the constant stress of her being there.

That all being said, I hope you find someone that works well with you two. Try a few sessions, if you don't gel, that's ok. Find another. I knew from the start I wouldn't like this woman, but I kept going because I figured she'd come around, but nope. She was more into rug sweeping than anyone out there. She wanted to focus on the NOW and future. And would get furious at me for bringing up the affair in counseling.

Imagine that. A MC upset that you'd talk about an affair in marriage counseling.

Our marriage dramatically improved once we stopped seeing this crazy old lady plus her quitting the job.
God that sounds so familiar. Wonder if we saw the same worthless hag...lol.
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Old 27th October 2017, 3:54 AM   #38
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Hi Muun, Sorry to see you here. I wanted to ask as to how long you have been married and for how long you have known your husband before marriage? I am sorry if you had given this info before but if so then I missed it.

In any case after reading your posts and those of others I am coming around to the conclusion that you are only postponing the inevitable and that your husband is not remorseful and neither is he committed to making you feel safe. If you continue in this marriage which, form all accounts looks like it is very young, you are going to suffer heart break down the road. Also the longer you continue in it the more heartbreaks you will suffer from as the years go by. If you are comfortable with that then go ahead and waste your money on marriage counselors and whatever. The best thing for you is to initiate divorce proceedings because your husband is just playing the fool and is not serious about this marriage. I am usually in favour of reconciliation where I see true remorse in the actions and attitudes of the WS. I am sorry but I see none here in your husband's case. Best wishes.
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Old 27th October 2017, 10:33 AM   #39
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Hi Muun, Sorry to see you here. I wanted to ask as to how long you have been married and for how long you have known your husband before marriage? I am sorry if you had given this info before but if so then I missed it.

In any case after reading your posts and those of others I am coming around to the conclusion that you are only postponing the inevitable and that your husband is not remorseful and neither is he committed to making you feel safe. If you continue in this marriage which, form all accounts looks like it is very young, you are going to suffer heart break down the road. Also the longer you continue in it the more heartbreaks you will suffer from as the years go by. If you are comfortable with that then go ahead and waste your money on marriage counselors and whatever. The best thing for you is to initiate divorce proceedings because your husband is just playing the fool and is not serious about this marriage. I am usually in favour of reconciliation where I see true remorse in the actions and attitudes of the WS. I am sorry but I see none here in your husband's case. Best wishes.
I find MC does more damage than good due to their true lack of how to approach this. Telling someone to 'just get over it' only fuels the anger a BS is already feeling. They take your money to set you back. I can't tell you how many times I damn near got up to walk out. At least when I told the 1st one we weren't coming back I told her she was extremely incompetent and even my wife agreed. Some are careful to not 'choose sides' but with that means they brush what happened aside without holding the WS accountable. The WS gets a sense that due to the 'professional's' approach that what they did wasn't really that big of a deal and is something to 'forgive and forget.' The only way I think MC can be of any benefit is if you're in a relationship early with someone going well and you both want to make sure the relationship will be iron clad strong when the monotony of life sets in and the 'high' and excitement of someone new wears off.
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Old 28th October 2017, 8:55 AM   #40
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Agree with you

I'm not sure I will even try to find another consuelor. I will try to find one to do IC but not as a couple. I'm still too angry, my husband is still minimizing what he did or at least still feels uncomfortable talking about it in front of the therapist. We don't need to pay $$$ to go have an opinion based on edited informations and wrong impression given by me looking like the bad one, because I am exhausted and the last thing I need to hear again is to get over it.
The lack of prepared professionals speaking my language here is incredible too. I'm positive the doctor couldn't understand everything I said, but still was ok to give professional opinions. Basically when I said that I need to see proofs that my husband has told me the truth about how and when he cut off meeting with these cheap fwb from his past in the form of texts, she understood that I wanted to read all their conversations ever. Which is the last thing I want. I saw something and I deeply regret it, that stuff hurts and stays in your memory for months and maybe years. I don't want to see everything just little proofs that he's honest and I want him to show me that. Plus of course I expect complete transparency of all his social media email and phone at least for a while, let's say one year. I'm more than happy to give away my own privacy too, I got nothing to hide and never had. And she treated me like I was obsessive and looking for proofs to tortyre him. Nothing more wrong than this, if I'm still here is because I want to trust that he will not do that anymore.
I just need little signs I'm not making a huge mistake again, to protect myself.
How difficult is this to understand?
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I find MC does more damage than good due to their true lack of how to approach this. Telling someone to 'just get over it' only fuels the anger a BS is already feeling. They take your money to set you back. I can't tell you how many times I damn near got up to walk out. At least when I told the 1st one we weren't coming back I told her she was extremely incompetent and even my wife agreed. Some are careful to not 'choose sides' but with that means they brush what happened aside without holding the WS accountable. The WS gets a sense that due to the 'professional's' approach that what they did wasn't really that big of a deal and is something to 'forgive and forget.' The only way I think MC can be of any benefit is if you're in a relationship early with someone going well and you both want to make sure the relationship will be iron clad strong when the monotony of life sets in and the 'high' and excitement of someone new wears off.
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Old 28th October 2017, 11:04 AM   #41
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Hi Misconstrued, if I may ask, why are you wanting to reconcile with your husband while he is trickle truthing you and is not really displaying any remorse. What is the point of going to counselors when he is not up front with information even with them? What hard work is he doing to help the marriage and you heal from the after effects of his infidelity? If you are not able to give satisfactory answers to these questions then you know you are not in a position to start or offer reconciliation. If you want to rug sweep and move on then that is a choice you are making but at the same time you would know that there is every likelihood of his cheating again down the line. It may be hard but sometimes bitter medicine is the only way a disease like this can be cured.

Please be very careful with what you want to do. Your entire life after this will be impacted by the decisions you take now. Wish you all the best going forward.
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Old 28th October 2017, 2:11 PM   #42
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Yesterday we went for the first session with the MC, and I t was very disappointing to be honest. Exactly as many of you were thinking the therapist told me to stop looking at the past, stop thinking to monitor my husband and to expect to see proofs of his honesty in the for of emails or texts etc because those were private conversations between him and the other person. She added that if I want to trust him I just have to take the risk. I found this a big pile of bull**** to be honest. I know that if I could (or wanted) do that I would do it already but I need to regain this trust while I also choose to trust. He off course jumped on the vagon as quick as he could and wasn't happy about me deciding not to go back to this therapist. Thing is that Rebuilding trust can't happen blindly for me unfortunately. I feel stuck about what to do next and I think I should seek professional help myself to deal with the damage I received.
I'm starting to feel pretty hopeless to be honest.
So the therapist just wants you to rig sweep this.

Find another MC and find out if they are like the one you just went to.
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Old 28th October 2017, 2:34 PM   #43
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Hi Folks, I must apologize to the OP for getting her name wrong. I think I had just finished posting on Misconstrued's thread and then came to Muun's thread to post here. Sorry for the error. Warm wishes.
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Old 28th October 2017, 5:19 PM   #44
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Quote:
I just need little signs I'm not making a huge mistake again, to protect myself.
Get the book How to help Your Spouse Heal from an Affair by Linda McDonald


Tell your husband to read it and if he is really interested in helping you heal he will take actions that are in the book. It really is not a great hardship to help your spouse heal but it does take true remorse and actions that makes the BS as absolute number one in life.


You are very sensitive at this point as you are only 4 months from D-dayYour emotions will go up and down like a yoyo and he needs to be willing to absorb that. You are not going to get the trust back that you want this year but he can help you gain in trust every month. Bottom line is that he has to feel some of your pain and in love do everything he can to make you number one and help you.


If you go to any therapist again, I would suggest that you go to one that has been the victim of betrayal and has successfully healed to a significant level.
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Old 30th October 2017, 3:55 AM   #45
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No worse I understood

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Hi Folks, I must apologize to the OP for getting her name wrong. I think I had just finished posting on Misconstrued's thread and then came to Muun's thread to post here. Sorry for the error. Warm wishes.
And to reply to you: I think the reason I'm still here it's a mix of not being ready to move on because I love him and I see love on his part most of all, and also because I know him and I know he's extremely ashamed of what he did, reason why he's trying to pretend it never happened. I know it's hard to get, but together with my anger I'm also feeling a lot of pity for him, because he failed himself and because I'm sure there's something broken inside him that needs to be addressed. I'm not 100% sure I will ever feel the same towards him and this makes me really sad.
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