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Counseling together to get over the affair. What shall I expect?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 17th October 2017, 11:25 AM   #16
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Hi, as the subject of the thread says, I am not sure what to expect from couple consueling. 3 + months after DDay we decided to give it a shot. I am the one who was betrayed. I am willing to give it another go and I think we need help to get over the anger (mine) the shame (his) and to learn to communicate better. Thing is I still have a lot of questions even if he closed all contacts with the people he had extra-marital indiscretions with (one was an ex, just two months into our relationship before getting married, they had sex a couple of times) the others were texting, more or less explicit with old fwbs. I found out all together only 3 months ago. He wants us to move on. I feel like I want to move on but knowing what happened and why it happened. He hopes ( and thinks) that the therapist will suggest me to just stop asking questions and get on with our life. I hope the therapist will help him make safe enough to be more open about what happened. As I've never had an experience like this before I don't know what to expect. Every experience is welcome. Thanks
I appreciate the fact that you love your husband enough to see a therapist, but what is it about you that requires therapy?
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Old 17th October 2017, 11:57 AM   #17
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As a Wayward myself, my H and I did not do couples counseling after d-day. Because the issue was with ME and the choices I made. I did do individual counseling which helped a lot. Maybe your H should start with that and once you can determine his commitment to therapy and changing, then you can decide whether couple therapy would be helpful for you both.
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Old 17th October 2017, 12:20 PM   #18
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Call me jaded but this feels more like rather than feeling shame and guilt he simply wants this to go away. He doesn't sound very repentant especially considering what he did and how soon he did it.
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Old 17th October 2017, 1:03 PM   #19
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As I've never had an experience like this before I don't know what to expect. Every experience is welcome. Thanks
Who suggested MC? Who did the research and made the appointment?
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Old 17th October 2017, 1:55 PM   #20
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Thank you

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Agreed! I think IC is better first - for you. It helps to re-establish YOUR sense of self, work out YOUR needs, emphasis YOUR importance, before MC gets to work on your marriage. Makes you stronger before you try to heal and strengthen your marriage.

BTW, in case you are in any doubt, simply wanting to go to MC with you is not enough. Any WS also has to give of themselves in the sessions, be honest and make the changes neccessary. Just being in the same room as you and the therapist doesn't count
I am doing individual consueling already and he's starting he IC next week too, on top of MC.
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Old 17th October 2017, 2:11 PM   #21
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Trust me, would be much easier

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Muun it is not that he is scared to come to you, it is that he doesnt care to. He wants to talk with and do the things with those other women that he has been doing.

Look at it from my point of view ( correct me if I am wrong but I think yours as well ).

While my wife and I were dating and engaged, no other women existed to me.

After we got married it stayed like this. She was my best friend, lover, my everything and all. We spent all are free time together for the first few years. Then we started doing somethings on our own.

Your husband in contrast. He is sleeping with another women right before the wedding and continues inappropriate relationships to this day. You are not his best friend and his all in all.

Wish you the best, but it is hard to see with someone that has started out so poorly.
To do what you suggest but we have a 18 months old child together.
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Old 19th October 2017, 4:06 PM   #22
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All I can say is, find a counselor you like.

DO NOT SETTLE.

We went to this quack for nearly a year. Every single session started with me saying, "I don't like them working together" (W and OM still worked in the same building). Every. Single. Time.

And every single time, I was met with constant rebuttals as to why its ok for them to still work together.

I remember our last session vividly. I started off with my usual and added, "there's only 3 people in this WORLD that would agree that its a good idea for my wife to work with her affair partner - YOU (pointing to my wife), YOU (now pointing to the MC), and OM. I wonder what his wife would think if I finally told her - I bet she wouldn't like it".

The MC said, "if you tell his wife, you've officially ended your chance of reconciliation". Then my wife said, "and if you tell her, we're done". I said, "we're done regardless", and I walked out.

Shortly afterwards, I found out on social media that OM got promoted at her work. That would make him my wife's immediate supervisor. She walked out the day he was promoted and never looked back. Had she stayed on, she knew I was done. I was almost done anyway with the constant stress of her being there.

That all being said, I hope you find someone that works well with you two. Try a few sessions, if you don't gel, that's ok. Find another. I knew from the start I wouldn't like this woman, but I kept going because I figured she'd come around, but nope. She was more into rug sweeping than anyone out there. She wanted to focus on the NOW and future. And would get furious at me for bringing up the affair in counseling.

Imagine that. A MC upset that you'd talk about an affair in marriage counseling.

Our marriage dramatically improved once we stopped seeing this crazy old lady plus her quitting the job.
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Old 20th October 2017, 2:42 PM   #23
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We researched both

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Originally Posted by Betrayed&Stayed View Post
Who suggested MC? Who did the research and made the appointment?
Then called them and chose one from my list, simply because the office was more conveniently positioned.
He found his own one for individual consueling.
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Old 20th October 2017, 2:51 PM   #24
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I don't really agree with this.

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Originally Posted by Bittersweetie View Post
As a Wayward myself, my H and I did not do couples counseling after d-day. Because the issue was with ME and the choices I made. I did do individual counseling which helped a lot. Maybe your H should start with that and once you can determine his commitment to therapy and changing, then you can decide whether couple therapy would be helpful for you both.
True, you created the problem but the marriage is something you are in together. Your Husband was effected by your wrong choices and both you and him need to work in my opinion. Thing is, the infidelity happened and there's nothing to do about it. But knowing exactly how your husband can be helped into getting over it is important, and I think a therapist seeing both of you can suggest better how to deal with it. Because what is more important is to do something about it now so he feels better and you will not have the need to do that again in the future. Cheating is a selfish choice for sure but blaming doesn't Really help after it's happened. In my opinion reconnecting or connecting for real after that is what is going to keep you/us safe in the future. Think like an US. Not like me and you. This is how I see it at least, maybe I'm naive.
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Old 20th October 2017, 5:33 PM   #25
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Sorry, but you are being nave...

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Originally Posted by Mun View Post
True, you created the problem but the marriage is something you are in together. Your Husband was effected by your wrong choices and both you and him need to work in my opinion. Thing is, the infidelity happened and there's nothing to do about it. But knowing exactly how your husband can be helped into getting over it is important, and I think a therapist seeing both of you can suggest better how to deal with it. Because what is more important is to do something about it now so he feels better and you will not have the need to do that again in the future. Cheating is a selfish choice for sure but blaming doesn't Really help after it's happened. In my opinion reconnecting or connecting for real after that is what is going to keep you/us safe in the future. Think like an US. Not like me and you. This is how I see it at least, maybe I'm nave.
See, like the other poster said, the problem is with him. Almost all MC's are going to try and convince you that 1) you should get over it, or 2) its in the past.

Like everyone is saying, if you don't find a good MC that knows how to deal with infidelity, you are just wasting your time.

He has to really start understanding what he has done, and where he wants to go. You need to understand some of that as well, but he has to or, again, you are wasting your time with all of it.
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Old 20th October 2017, 7:00 PM   #26
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Old 20th October 2017, 7:10 PM   #27
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Therapists vary WILDLY in their approach to these things.

Many don't want to call out cheaters - or ask for accountability.

One therapist was kind of like "**** happens" ....

I then I pre-interviewed two new therapists (without my wife) to gauge if they were in line with what I wanted in couples work. I did not say "I need you to say and do this to my wife when we come in" what I asked was question like "how do you approach this - what about this- whats your beliefs on xyz - how do you help a betrayed spouse heal "

I kind of prefer a little of the "Dr. Phil approach" - no nonsense accountable - call it as they see it and giving specific action plans. But even with the two therapists we did see - they had different view and approaches. I still remember the last therapist at the end - I could have hugged her for the things she said to my wife.
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Old 20th October 2017, 10:30 PM   #28
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Quote:
By Muun
Cheating is a selfish choice for sure but blaming doesn't really help after it's happened. In my opinion reconnecting or connecting for real after that is what is going to keep you/us safe in the future. Think like an US. Not like me and you. This is how I see it at least, maybe I'm naive.
You have a great outlook on some of what is necessary for R…If your husband is really remorseful and determined to make you absolutely his number one woman then you two have a good chance of successful R, IMO. He must do the work for a very long time; not months but years

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Counseling together to get over the affair. What shall I expect?
Assuming you BOTH take all actions to heal you can expect that the motivated drives to give 100% to R actions will not be as strong in the future and you both will be tempted to compromise and slack off. That does not mean that you have to fall into the compromise state of being but it does mean that you both will have to rely more on discipline and determination rather than very strong emotional motivations you now have. The first year has the most motivation to R but you want your marriage to last for 5-20-30 more years so set in place an agreement so that you NOW set up a plan to stay disciplined and determined! That is what you can expect if you both are serious about R and willing to do the work.
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Old 21st October 2017, 8:55 AM   #29
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He hopes ( and thinks) that the therapist will suggest me to just stop asking questions and get on with our life.
If that is why your husband is willing to go to MC, it is for the wrong reason. He is selfishly hoping to get a pass on answering the hard questions. If the MC doesn't give him the pass he seeks, he will stop going. Until he is ready to actually face the problem that HE created, your best bet is IC. Work on getting your life back together, because he is still searching for ways to deny his part in hurting you.

Good luck.
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Old 26th October 2017, 8:31 AM   #30
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Update

Yesterday we went for the first session with the MC, and I t was very disappointing to be honest. Exactly as many of you were thinking the therapist told me to stop looking at the past, stop thinking to monitor my husband and to expect to see proofs of his honesty in the for of emails or texts etc because those were private conversations between him and the other person. She added that if I want to trust him I just have to take the risk. I found this a big pile of bull**** to be honest. I know that if I could (or wanted) do that I would do it already but I need to regain this trust while I also choose to trust. He off course jumped on the vagon as quick as he could and wasn't happy about me deciding not to go back to this therapist. Thing is that Rebuilding trust can't happen blindly for me unfortunately. I feel stuck about what to do next and I think I should seek professional help myself to deal with the damage I received.
I'm starting to feel pretty hopeless to be honest.

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Therapists vary WILDLY in their approach to these things.

Many don't want to call out cheaters - or ask for accountability.

One therapist was kind of like "**** happens" ....

I then I pre-interviewed two new therapists (without my wife) to gauge if they were in line with what I wanted in couples work. I did not say "I need you to say and do this to my wife when we come in" what I asked was question like "how do you approach this - what about this- whats your beliefs on xyz - how do you help a betrayed spouse heal "

I kind of prefer a little of the "Dr. Phil approach" - no nonsense accountable - call it as they see it and giving specific action plans. But even with the two therapists we did see - they had different view and approaches. I still remember the last therapist at the end - I could have hugged her for the things she said to my wife.
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