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i have fallen head over heels for a married man, and he has asked me to be in a poly relationship with him and his wife. his wife lives in a different country, on a different continent. they have two children and there is no plan for her to relocate to my country, where he now lives. he has proposed to marry me in my country and to visit his family a few times per year. there is no chance that his wife will live in my country because she wants to stay with her family and raise their children in their culture, does not have a visa, and will not be able to get one once he and i are married.

 

i feel very torn. i am naturally monogamous and hate the idea of sharing a married man, who wants to be my husband too, even if it is only for a brief part of the year. i would never consent to be in a poly relationship under normal circumstances and am only considering this one because of my feelings and the different countries. i have had horrible relationships in the past where i have found myself considering things i would not normally choose for myself. and i just desperately need advice. am i no better than a willing mistress to this man?

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i have fallen head over heels for a married man, and he has asked me to be in a poly relationship with him and his wife. his wife lives in a different country, on a different continent. they have two children and there is no plan for her to relocate to my country, where he now lives. he has proposed to marry me in my country and to visit his family a few times per year. there is no chance that his wife will live in my country because she wants to stay with her family and raise their children in their culture, does not have a visa, and will not be able to get one once he and i are married.

 

i feel very torn. i am naturally monogamous and hate the idea of sharing a married man, who wants to be my husband too, even if it is only for a brief part of the year. i would never consent to be in a poly relationship under normal circumstances and am only considering this one because of my feelings and the different countries. i have had horrible relationships in the past where i have found myself considering things i would not normally choose for myself. and i just desperately need advice. am i no better than a willing mistress to this man?

 

Just to be sure op. How well do you know that wife? Have you spoken with her at all about this supposed poly relationship, or is this something you are hearing just from you married man?

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i do not know the wife and have not spoken to her, but he has offered to let me speak to her. we are in a close network of friends, so i do believe much of what he tells me about his situation. i cannot know, of course, to what extent his wife agrees to this. she might just expect her husband to rejoin the family for good at some point when it makes sense financially for them?

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honestly, i could just be a naive idiot. this man acts like (and tells everyone, including my mother) that i am the love of his life. he is with me all the time, treats me better than i have ever been treated. we talk and text whenever we are not together, have lovey-dovey marathon conversations all night. it is very easy to forget there is a wife and family back home.

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If he is married, you can't marry him unless both countries permit polygamous marriage. Otherwise, your marriage (coming later) would be invalid and illegal, and you would have no legal recourse should you later split up.

 

It sounds like infidelity, unless you can confirm with his wife that she is okay with it. If she's not, and finds out, then you'll be the one he dumps, because he has children with her.

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There are 3.5 billion men on the planet and this is the best you can do? Why would he want to stay married to a woman who won't follow him, that's what loving couples do. Just my opinion but if he won't free himself up to be with you, dump him. Life is complicated enough, why make it worse. Respect yourself, respect your own boundaries that took you a lifetime to build. Imagine trying to explain your relationship to your family and future children. Tell him what you need in order to marry him, if he is unwilling to meet your requirements get rid of him. This will not end well for you.

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i have had horrible relationships in the past where i have found myself considering things i would not normally choose for myself.

Cue.

History repeating..

 

If he is still married to her, how can he marry you?

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Cue.

History repeating..

 

If he is still married to her, how can he marry you?

 

great question. he proposed to marry me because he claims to want a life with me. his marriage to his wife is in a different country, on a different continent. i did not know this would be illegal according to international laws.

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If he is a Muslim and his first marriage was conducted islamically not true the Marriage Registry you can marry him depending on the laws of your country.

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If he is a Muslim and his first marriage was conducted islamically not true the Marriage Registry you can marry him depending on the laws of your country.

 

thank you for this information. i will look into this. his first marriage is indeed an arranged marriage conducted in a Muslim country.

 

my MM says that he has never felt what he feels for me before and that ours will be a love marriage. he says that he can never be happy in life without me and that he wants to grow old with me. he wants me to agree to marry him and consent to allow him to visit his family a handful of times a year for a few weeks to maintain his responsibilities to them. he provides for them year-round of course.

 

i just feel a lot of anxiety and self-doubt. i am not poly naturally, and i also have never seen myself being in an affair. i have just fallen deeply in love with someone who has a wife and two children back home. if i stay with him, what am i consenting to?

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great question. he proposed to marry me because he claims to want a life with me. his marriage to his wife is in a different country, on a different continent. i did not know this would be illegal according to international laws.

 

It all depends on the laws in your country and his as to whether he will get away with essentially having two wives or not.

What two countries are we talking about here?

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You will never come to grips with him taking his "sexcations" without you to go home to his REAL wife and REAL family. Resentment, jealousy and hurt feelings will grow. You'll ask yourself why you let yourself get into this situation. You'll ask yourself why you let yourself have kids with this man.

 

This dip**** (I refuse to call him a man) is not an honorable person. He shouldn't have let himself even get to know you that well in order to say that you're the love of his life, bc HE'S ALREADY MARRIED! And how many wives in how many countries does he really have? How long before he's telling someone in a different state the same things about you that he told you about his real wife?

 

Don't do it. You will not be happy. He is not a man of integrity.

Edited by GoldenR
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somanymistakes
i have fallen head over heels for a married man, and he has asked me to be in a poly relationship with him and his wife. his wife lives in a different country, on a different continent. they have two children and there is no plan for her to relocate to my country, where he now lives. he has proposed to marry me in my country and to visit his family a few times per year. there is no chance that his wife will live in my country because she wants to stay with her family and raise their children in their culture, does not have a visa, and will not be able to get one once he and i are married.

 

i feel very torn. i am naturally monogamous and hate the idea of sharing a married man, who wants to be my husband too, even if it is only for a brief part of the year. i would never consent to be in a poly relationship under normal circumstances and am only considering this one because of my feelings and the different countries. i have had horrible relationships in the past where i have found myself considering things i would not normally choose for myself. and i just desperately need advice. am i no better than a willing mistress to this man?

 

 

You would never consent to be in a poly relationship under normal circumstances.

 

Isn't that your answer right there?

 

This is not what you want. You are torn because your emotions are involved but your head is trying to leap up and tell you how you really feel, and how you will feel once the chemicals die down a little.

 

And honestly what you're describing does not sound like a poly relationship anyway. It SOUNDS like what he wants is a mistress, a 'wife' that he can put in a different location from his other wife and visit occasionally without either of the two women interacting or interfering with each other.

 

I mean if he's telling you that you're the love of his life and he'll only visit his other wife out of duty, that is NOT a healthy poly relationship.

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You would never consent to be in a poly relationship under normal circumstances.

 

Isn't that your answer right there?

 

This is not what you want. You are torn because your emotions are involved but your head is trying to leap up and tell you how you really feel, and how you will feel once the chemicals die down a little.

 

And honestly what you're describing does not sound like a poly relationship anyway. It SOUNDS like what he wants is a mistress, a 'wife' that he can put in a different location from his other wife and visit occasionally without either of the two women interacting or interfering with each other.

 

I mean if he's telling you that you're the love of his life and he'll only visit his other wife out of duty, that is NOT a healthy poly relationship.

 

thank you so much. no, i would never consent to be in a poly relationship. years ago, i agreed to be in an open relationship with a boyfriend, and i was so sick with insecurity and jealousy that i could barely stomach being anywhere near him and could barely function on my own. so, i know i am not cut out for sharing an intimate partner.

 

with this man, i feel like a mistress, which is just awful.

 

he acts like i am the love of his life and that his marriage is transactional and obligatory. (that is his language.) i am in love with him and so blissfully unaware, but if i sit down and let myself remember that he has a wife that he videochats with daily (when i am not around) and sees every few months, i feel like so sick and ashamed and upset at what i have gotten myself into.

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The bigger question, is why you keep going to men who want or insist on a open relationship? Do you feel so bad about yourself, that you cannot insist on a man who would love and be with only you? What does this say about your choices and yourself in general? We are what become what we choose. Why do you keep making these decisions?

 

I see you as someone, who will settle for 1/2 or less of a mate. Why be one of many to a guy. I am sure, they will not let you "date" Do you think you are not worth of the whole? There are men out there who would love to be with you and only you. You need to make sure you are around them, so they can find you.

 

I wish you luck......

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I am not sure this fits the definition of "Poly". Rather it is one of two things

 

1) Pure Cheating - wife does not know.

2) Tolerated cheating - wife does know but does not want to really know - or she HAS TO tolerate it (money, cultural,religious) - as long as your a side piece far away and he only sees you occasionally.

 

 

See if the wife had other men, and maybe this man also had one or two other women loveer - I might see say its Poly.

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I am not sure this fits the definition of "Poly". Rather it is one of two things

 

1) Pure Cheating - wife does not know.

2) Tolerated cheating - wife does know but does not want to really know - or she HAS TO tolerate it (money, cultural,religious) - as long as your a side piece far away and he only sees you occasionally.

 

 

See if the wife had other men, and maybe this man also had one or two other women loveer - I might see say its Poly.

 

i don't know if his wife knows. he has said she does know and is in agreement and would put us in touch if i wanted to talk to her.

 

he lives in my country and would continue to live here -- his career and earning potential mandate this. he visits his family for a week or two every couple of months. that is their family life. it has been like that for many years and would continue, except now he would have me here.

 

i don't know if she is or would want to be with other men. i can only speak for myself. i am naturally monogamous and am not inclined (or even able really) to be with anyone else.

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The bigger question, is why you keep going to men who want or insist on a open relationship? Do you feel so bad about yourself, that you cannot insist on a man who would love and be with only you? What does this say about your choices and yourself in general? We are what become what we choose. Why do you keep making these decisions?

 

I see you as someone, who will settle for 1/2 or less of a mate. Why be one of many to a guy. I am sure, they will not let you "date" Do you think you are not worth of the whole? There are men out there who would love to be with you and only you. You need to make sure you are around them, so they can find you.

 

I wish you luck......

 

this is so insightful. reading it and really feeling my own vulnerability and damaged self-esteem in choosing romantic partners makes me want to cry. thank you for asking the right questions and for the encouragement.

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Before you make any decisions, do your research first.

 

Look at the cultural traditions of where he is from the legal status women have and also what rights they have.

 

If he is married there, you may not be able to be legally married to him in your home country. Also, if you have any children with him, what sorts of rights do you have as a mother? What if he wants to take them to visit his family? How would you ever be sure of getting them back?

 

Also, it may be culturally acceptable in his country to have more than one wife. Before you assume that means that the women there are okay wihtt hat, do some more checking. I have met lots ( and I means lots) of women from countries where men can have more than one wife, and I don't think that any one of them was happy int hat sort of arrangement. They just didn't feel they had any choice but to agree. How would you feel if you knew that was the case with this wife? How would you feel putting her in that position?

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i have fallen head over heels for a married man, and he has asked me to be in a poly relationship with him and his wife. his wife lives in a different country, on a different continent. they have two children and there is no plan for her to relocate to my country, where he now lives. he has proposed to marry me in my country and to visit his family a few times per year. there is no chance that his wife will live in my country because she wants to stay with her family and raise their children in their culture, does not have a visa, and will not be able to get one once he and i are married.

 

i feel very torn. i am naturally monogamous and hate the idea of sharing a married man, who wants to be my husband too, even if it is only for a brief part of the year. i would never consent to be in a poly relationship under normal circumstances and am only considering this one because of my feelings and the different countries. i have had horrible relationships in the past where i have found myself considering things i would not normally choose for myself. and i just desperately need advice. am i no better than a willing mistress to this man?

 

Sounds like your man picker is off and the men you've chosen haven't been the right ones for you. With that said to knowingly get together with him, knowing he has a wife and children already you're setting yourself up to be second fiddle. You want a husband and a family? Find a single guy who can offer that to you.

 

Maybe it's best to end it and be on your own, find "you" and get some counseling before committing to a MM. I doubt very much he's in a poly R with his wife. I'm guessing he's leading you on and she has no clue about you...Which makes it an affair.

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If you are "naturally monogamous" then why are you pursuing this? Unless I missed where you revealed his country of origin, I'm getting the vibe--and please correct me if I'm wrong--that he is from a country where having more than one wife is legal and acceptable? yes? So, for you to really grasp the situation from all angles, you would have to include the cultural/religious component in your decision-making process as well. While at the moment things look pretty rosy and hot, the details will begin to emerge and you just might not like the role you would play in this man's life. This is not about polyamory. This is about polygamy. Further, if I'm correct that he is from a country where polygamy is legal, there is no way in hell his wife has other partners, unless she fond of risky behavior that could cost her her life.

 

What you have is just half the man; he has a completely separate and different life outside of the confines of your home country where he currently resides and works--mind you, works so he can send home money to his first and primary family. No judgement here, just laying it out clearly.

 

Does that bode well for you in the long run? How about all those times he will have to leave to visit his family AND WIFE? What about if his primary family comes for a visit? Will that interference in your plans together, and constantly being interrupted sit well with you? No long term decision will be had without him having to consider the well being of his first family--I'm guessing this is according to the LAW in his home country. Oh, and you should check to see if he can even legally marry another woman outside his religion. I'm guessing you would have no legal rights to any of his estate should something unfortunate happen. Also, what would happen to his children if his first wife were to meet an untimely death?

 

The point I'm making is there seems to be a lot of unknowns that you should get clear with before proceeding, if you two are really sincere about marriage.

 

If you want to be a part of this man's harem, and yes, I'm asking you to consider that after locking you down, he will pursue another nubile lady eventually if he has the financial means, then by all accounts have at it. But, if this scenario and all of the complications really doesn't sit with the type of partner you want to be with then it's time to cut your loses and move on.

 

This is not an easy position to be in. I wish you well in your decision-making process.

Edited by SunnyWeather
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Before you make any decisions, do your research first.

 

Look at the cultural traditions of where he is from the legal status women have and also what rights they have.

 

If he is married there, you may not be able to be legally married to him in your home country. Also, if you have any children with him, what sorts of rights do you have as a mother? What if he wants to take them to visit his family? How would you ever be sure of getting them back?

 

Also, it may be culturally acceptable in his country to have more than one wife. Before you assume that means that the women there are okay wihtt hat, do some more checking. I have met lots ( and I means lots) of women from countries where men can have more than one wife, and I don't think that any one of them was happy int hat sort of arrangement. They just didn't feel they had any choice but to agree. How would you feel if you knew that was the case with this wife? How would you feel putting her in that position?

 

i hadn't really thought about these questions. i have taken what he has said about his wife and family at face-value, especially because he has offered to put me and his wife in touch and is always trying to share everything with me about their children. he strikes me as very open -- and like he is doing what is expected by providing for the family and continuing to go home regularly. i hadn't really thought that this situation would make the wife unhappy. it was her choice to stay in the home country to raise the children. i don't know. i am thankful for your questions.

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What you have is just half the man; he has a completely separate and different life outside of the confines of your home country where he currently resides and works--mind you, works so he can send home money to his first and primary family. No judgement here, just laying it out clearly.

 

Does that bode well for you in the long run? How about all those times he will have to leave to visit his family AND WIFE? What about if his primary family comes for a visit? Will that interference in your plans together, and constantly being interrupted sit well with you? No long term decision will be had without him having to consider the well being of his first family--I'm guessing this is according to the LAW in his home country. Oh, and you should check to see if he can even legally marry another woman outside his religion. I'm guessing you would have no legal rights to any of his estate should something unfortunate happen. Also, what would happen to his children if his first wife were to meet an untimely death?

 

The point I'm making is there seems to be a lot of unknowns that you should get clear with before proceeding, if you two are really sincere about marriage.

 

If you want to be a part of this man's harem, and yes, I'm asking you to consider that after locking you down, he will pursue another nubile lady eventually if he has the financial means, then by all accounts have at it. But, if this scenario and all of the complications really doesn't sit with the type of partner you want to be with then it's time to cut your loses and move on.

 

This is not an easy position to be in. I wish you well in your decision-making process.

 

i am not determined to marry him. i am actually very frightened by all this. i think he has proposed our marriage because we have fallen in love, and he wants me to believe that he has made a life-long commitment to me. i also know he is married and that makes me a mistress. so he has offered to make me his wife in my country and has sold it as nothing for me to worry about. he will be away for a few weeks every few months, his wife agrees, and that is it.

 

of course, you are right. and there are a lot of unknowns. before even investigating, i just wanted feedback and advice.

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i am not determined to marry him. i am actually very frightened by all this. i think he has proposed our marriage because we have fallen in love, and he wants me to believe that he has made a life-long commitment to me. i also know he is married and that makes me a mistress. so he has offered to make me his wife in my country and has sold it as nothing for me to worry about. he will be away for a few weeks every few months, his wife agrees, and that is it.

 

of course, you are right. and there are a lot of unknowns. before even investigating, i just wanted feedback and advice.

 

 

Without knowing the country it is a guess between whether he is offering you bigamy or polygamy. In between, yes, you are his mistress, no matter how rosy he is presenting his wife as 'understanding' and ok with it. There are countless threads here that deal with that issue you might want to investigate.

 

But, if it is one of the former, you def need to do your research to make an informed decision.

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