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7 years later he added me on Pinterest


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 14th October 2017, 7:28 PM   #1
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7 years later he added me on Pinterest

If I had to put a label on this, I would say it is a cautionary tale.

15 years ago, when I was a free spirited 26 year old I met a married man in his mid 30's. We clicked and started an affair. At that time in my life, I wanted to just have fun and hadn't been in a serious relationship. So I didn't really care that this man was married. IMO at the time, his marital status had nothing to do with me. It was all fun and games. I enjoyed having a few guys on a string at a time and he was my newest play thing.

About 2 months into the affair, things shifted a bit and we went from pure carnal fun to crushing on each other. We got careless and he got caught. His wife called me. I had been told they were like room mates and he just needed to be happy again. When she called she told me she was pregnant. Huh.

He was on his way to see me when this happened. And I told him she had called when he arrived. I had been crying off and on for hours. So he knew something was up when he got to my apartment. Told him to leave, didn't want to see him anymore. Go home to your wife and the kids you neglected to mention.

Fast forward a few weeks and he is getting divorced and moving two hours away from his kids to be with Me. God good, why I allowed this man into my life again....i don't know. And oh, I was so smug. He chose me. I thought I was so much better than "her."

After a year we moved in together, right at the same time as he was getting visitation with his kids. So now I have 4 kids in my life and apartment. Plus, we are both struggling financially....but he is talking babies and marriage.

We built a life together and I let down my usual glib, carefree vibe and allowed myself to fall. We were the envy of friends. He adored the ground I walked on for about 18 months.

Then little red flags happened. More time online, making new names on forums that we both frequented. One to an adult site I knew he was on. He had made a new name, and was looking for ladies for fun chat. *eyeroll*

I found text message and emails from the ex wife over the course of a year or so. Suggesting they were hooking up, that they were talking about getting back together. There were so many lies that I took for truth. It was always her fault. I was always misunderstanding. There was anger and screaming. He seemed to adore me less and less. I cried more and more.

He also had text messages from a woman he met online that hinted at some sort of phone fun or cyber fun. Plus the issues with a female coworker. I turned into a bitter, angry person at times. Trying to find evidence of his cheating. All the while caught in a loop of valuing and devaluing at his hands. (Look this up, it is called narcissistic devaluation)

By the time we hit about 3 1/2 to 4 years in, we weren't very happy anymorr. There had been more incidents with the ex. More women at work. More online things. I was always wrong. I had been hot and then I just got fat. (I was always bigger. He told me he preferred chubby women, but suddenly this seemed like a lie too) Nevermind that one of his FWB from work was bigger than me.

Found evidence of an indiscretion with her while I was taking care of his sick son. Got ready to move out. And I caved again. I loved him. I obviously had misunderstood. He had been abused as a kid. It wasn't his fault. I cried some more. He yelled some more.

We had stopped going out socially together and our dates consisted mainly of dinners at a cheap diner and movies. Financially I was in a tailspin. He would get behind on bills, lie about it and I would bail him out. I almost had my car repo'd 4 times. He lost his drivers license, and I took over driving 2 hours 1 way every other weekend to get the kids. If I refused to drive him to work (we lived a fee blocks away) I got berated. If I hid the car keys, because the car was in my name, he yelled. Found my balls that time and said if you take the car, I'm calling the cops and reporting it stolen.

Finally, at the 5 year mark....I knew he was likely seeing the FWB from work again. He also had a new woman at work blowing up his Facebook. The distance between us was huge. We fought constantly, were miserable and No longer slept in the same bed. He broke promises constantly. We did a short stint in counseling. I cried. He subtly blamed me for everything. Then he stopped wanting to go. Just like all the other times. He would get caught being bad, do a bit of counseling and stop.

I found out via FB that he was seeing this other woman from work. Saw the whole conversation online. Dirty stuff, sweet stuff. Ugh.

He was visiting his kids in their home town. I messaged her and said you can have him. I'm packing all his **** and dropping it at your house. He started messaging me asking me why I was Trying to ruin everything. Me. I was trying to ruin it. Because he cheated, got caught and I had finally had enough.

He ended up taking the easy way out. He chose his new woman. He dropped me like a hot potato. Denied his relationship with the fwb. Denied up and down to new gf and I that they were ever involved.

It was a lot of turmoil. He was kind of playing both of us. Acting like he maybe still wanted me. He was definitely still sleeping with me. Which she figured out. Had the gall to ask if I had used a condom. He blamed me when she went off on him. I ruined his life. He had everything he wanted and needed in her. And I had ruined it. Funny how at one time, when he was leaving his wife, I was everything he wanted and needed. He even called her by the same nickname he used for me.

I quickly lost my job due to a customer service complaint by the ex Feb. She was mad at him and started lashing out. Nevermind he had dumped me. I had zero money, no job, no place to live.

I left where we lived and moved back home. I put up with consistently inconsistent attempts to suck me back in, or get me to sleep with him. (Check out narcissistic hoovering) She emailed me for a while afterwards aski ng for advice on him. Ha! I told her every damn thing he did to me. He was furious. I didn't give a damn. She defended him and had the nerve to tell me he would never cheat on her. I wasn't right for him and she was.

I got sick of his bs and finally texted him, in response to a message "stop messaging me or I will contact the police." I haven't heard from him in 5 years. 6 months ago he started following me on Pinterest. I got so angry. I wanted to block him. Then I decided, let him look.

I fought and struggled. I got myself out of a financial cul de sac. I almost lost my career. Now I make double what I made with him. All my bills are paid on time and I have money for extras. I got back my confidence, self esteem and my balls. I don't take anyone's bs. I am a completely different person. But it is a scarred person. There is a hardness to me. A wariness of men. I don't let people close. I'm not the same carefree person. He did that to me. And I allowed it. For 5 years.

Everything he loved about me, he ended up hating. He broke me down. That is what a narcissist does.

I hate him for it. I hated myself for it for a long time too. I hate that he can see my Pins. But I refuse to give in and react to him. That is what he wants. To me, he doesn't exist.

But I fear the next attempt To try and draw me back in. Because I never know when it is coming. And I fear that I won't be strong enough. I fear he will make me crack and react, and feel vindicated. I was crazy. He told everyone that. Even his OW told me that. But she told me she actually thought that I might be nice. *snort*

It has been almost 8 years since we ended. And he is still trying to subtly exert control over me.

Not today Satan. Not today.
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Old 14th October 2017, 7:35 PM   #2
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Sounds like you finally woke up and have gotten yourself into a good life.

If he's married inform his wife about the contact. You really don't need this distraction in your life anymore.

You've figured it out now put the final touch to it. Never contact or respond to him.
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Old 14th October 2017, 11:39 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Upnortderhey View Post
If I had to put a label on this, I would say it is a cautionary tale.

15 years ago, when I was a free spirited 26 year old I met a married man in his mid 30's. We clicked and started an affair. At that time in my life, I wanted to just have fun and hadn't been in a serious relationship. So I didn't really care that this man was married. IMO at the time, his marital status had nothing to do with me. It was all fun and games. I enjoyed having a few guys on a string at a time and he was my newest play thing.

About 2 months into the affair, things shifted a bit and we went from pure carnal fun to crushing on each other. We got careless and he got caught. His wife called me. I had been told they were like room mates and he just needed to be happy again. When she called she told me she was pregnant. Huh.

He was on his way to see me when this happened. And I told him she had called when he arrived. I had been crying off and on for hours. So he knew something was up when he got to my apartment. Told him to leave, didn't want to see him anymore. Go home to your wife and the kids you neglected to mention.

Fast forward a few weeks and he is getting divorced and moving two hours away from his kids to be with Me. God good, why I allowed this man into my life again....i don't know. And oh, I was so smug. He chose me. I thought I was so much better than "her."

After a year we moved in together, right at the same time as he was getting visitation with his kids. So now I have 4 kids in my life and apartment. Plus, we are both struggling financially....but he is talking babies and marriage.

We built a life together and I let down my usual glib, carefree vibe and allowed myself to fall. We were the envy of friends. He adored the ground I walked on for about 18 months.

Then little red flags happened. More time online, making new names on forums that we both frequented. One to an adult site I knew he was on. He had made a new name, and was looking for ladies for fun chat. *eyeroll*

I found text message and emails from the ex wife over the course of a year or so. Suggesting they were hooking up, that they were talking about getting back together. There were so many lies that I took for truth. It was always her fault. I was always misunderstanding. There was anger and screaming. He seemed to adore me less and less. I cried more and more.

He also had text messages from a woman he met online that hinted at some sort of phone fun or cyber fun. Plus the issues with a female coworker. I turned into a bitter, angry person at times. Trying to find evidence of his cheating. All the while caught in a loop of valuing and devaluing at his hands. (Look this up, it is called narcissistic devaluation)

By the time we hit about 3 1/2 to 4 years in, we weren't very happy anymorr. There had been more incidents with the ex. More women at work. More online things. I was always wrong. I had been hot and then I just got fat. (I was always bigger. He told me he preferred chubby women, but suddenly this seemed like a lie too) Nevermind that one of his FWB from work was bigger than me.

Found evidence of an indiscretion with her while I was taking care of his sick son. Got ready to move out. And I caved again. I loved him. I obviously had misunderstood. He had been abused as a kid. It wasn't his fault. I cried some more. He yelled some more.

We had stopped going out socially together and our dates consisted mainly of dinners at a cheap diner and movies. Financially I was in a tailspin. He would get behind on bills, lie about it and I would bail him out. I almost had my car repo'd 4 times. He lost his drivers license, and I took over driving 2 hours 1 way every other weekend to get the kids. If I refused to drive him to work (we lived a fee blocks away) I got berated. If I hid the car keys, because the car was in my name, he yelled. Found my balls that time and said if you take the car, I'm calling the cops and reporting it stolen.

Finally, at the 5 year mark....I knew he was likely seeing the FWB from work again. He also had a new woman at work blowing up his Facebook. The distance between us was huge. We fought constantly, were miserable and No longer slept in the same bed. He broke promises constantly. We did a short stint in counseling. I cried. He subtly blamed me for everything. Then he stopped wanting to go. Just like all the other times. He would get caught being bad, do a bit of counseling and stop.

I found out via FB that he was seeing this other woman from work. Saw the whole conversation online. Dirty stuff, sweet stuff. Ugh.

He was visiting his kids in their home town. I messaged her and said you can have him. I'm packing all his **** and dropping it at your house. He started messaging me asking me why I was Trying to ruin everything. Me. I was trying to ruin it. Because he cheated, got caught and I had finally had enough.

He ended up taking the easy way out. He chose his new woman. He dropped me like a hot potato. Denied his relationship with the fwb. Denied up and down to new gf and I that they were ever involved.

It was a lot of turmoil. He was kind of playing both of us. Acting like he maybe still wanted me. He was definitely still sleeping with me. Which she figured out. Had the gall to ask if I had used a condom. He blamed me when she went off on him. I ruined his life. He had everything he wanted and needed in her. And I had ruined it. Funny how at one time, when he was leaving his wife, I was everything he wanted and needed. He even called her by the same nickname he used for me.

I quickly lost my job due to a customer service complaint by the ex Feb. She was mad at him and started lashing out. Nevermind he had dumped me. I had zero money, no job, no place to live.

I left where we lived and moved back home. I put up with consistently inconsistent attempts to suck me back in, or get me to sleep with him. (Check out narcissistic hoovering) She emailed me for a while afterwards aski ng for advice on him. Ha! I told her every damn thing he did to me. He was furious. I didn't give a damn. She defended him and had the nerve to tell me he would never cheat on her. I wasn't right for him and she was.

I got sick of his bs and finally texted him, in response to a message "stop messaging me or I will contact the police." I haven't heard from him in 5 years. 6 months ago he started following me on Pinterest. I got so angry. I wanted to block him. Then I decided, let him look.

I fought and struggled. I got myself out of a financial cul de sac. I almost lost my career. Now I make double what I made with him. All my bills are paid on time and I have money for extras. I got back my confidence, self esteem and my balls. I don't take anyone's bs. I am a completely different person. But it is a scarred person. There is a hardness to me. A wariness of men. I don't let people close. I'm not the same carefree person. He did that to me. And I allowed it. For 5 years.

Everything he loved about me, he ended up hating. He broke me down. That is what a narcissist does.

I hate him for it. I hated myself for it for a long time too. I hate that he can see my Pins. But I refuse to give in and react to him. That is what he wants. To me, he doesn't exist.

But I fear the next attempt To try and draw me back in. Because I never know when it is coming. And I fear that I won't be strong enough. I fear he will make me crack and react, and feel vindicated. I was crazy. He told everyone that. Even his OW told me that. But she told me she actually thought that I might be nice. *snort*

It has been almost 8 years since we ended. And he is still trying to subtly exert control over me.

Not today Satan. Not today.
This is why you don't get into long-term relationships are cheaters they have an inherent character flaws
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Old 15th October 2017, 3:19 AM   #4
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Hi Upnort, did you get therapy for yourself after you broke up with this guy? Also, you are now 41 years old so did you get married or are you a spinster? I am surprised that at 26 you were still fooling around and not serious about finding some one to settle down with. I think the choices we make in life at a point of time deliver unexpected results years later. Please be wary of this guy and steer clear of him. I do not understand why you say that you fear getting sucked in to anything this predator might dish up. You are not young and immature now and have had enough experience with him to know what is good for you. You also seem to read him well so you know what he can and cannot do. Protect yourself and steer clear from him. The way you have written it seems you still have a soft spot for him hidden deep within you. Either that or you are an addict for pain and being poorly treated.

What is your self esteem like? Do you really value yourself or do you have a low opinion of your self? If that be the case then some IC may be just what the doctor ordered. What ever it be learn to love yourself. If you do you will get loved in return. Warm wishes.
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Old 15th October 2017, 9:36 AM   #5
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Originally Posted by Just a Guy View Post
Also, you are now 41 years old so did you get married or are you a spinster?
In my country, we don't use this term any more for unmarried older women. It is absolutely derogatory. It implies that older women are no longer viable companions because they cannot procreate. Which is nonsense.
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Old 15th October 2017, 10:09 AM   #6
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Hi Merrmeade, Sorry but I am not aware of this distinction. I guess I am old school where Bachelor meant a guy who was never married and Spinster for a woman who was never married. There was no implied slur in using those words. Anyway thanks for the information. Will be careful using that term from now on.
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Old 15th October 2017, 11:24 AM   #7
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This is easy. F that guy. He's an ******* and a cancer to your life. Block him. Forget it happened. In fact, block him everywhere you can find him.

Live your life. Be happy. Don't let him make your life toxic.
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Old 15th October 2017, 3:42 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by Upnortderhey View Post

I hate him for it. I hated myself for it for a long time too. I hate that he can see my Pins. But I refuse to give in and react to him. That is what he wants. To me, he doesn't exist.

But I fear the next attempt To try and draw me back in. Because I never know when it is coming. And I fear that I won't be strong enough. I fear he will make me crack and react, and feel vindicated. I was crazy. He told everyone that. Even his OW told me that. But she told me she actually thought that I might be nice. *snort*

It has been almost 8 years since we ended. And he is still trying to subtly exert control over me.

Not today Satan. Not today.
Blocking him is not giving in. Blocking him is your way to exercise control of him, and what he sees on your account.

Just block him and be done with it.

And BTW, the idea that him following you on pinterest is a way to try to subtly exert control after all these years is a little far fetched. While it is true that it could be a way for him to see if your still interested, not blocking him could be interpreted by him, as a sign that you are.

Take pleasure in the fact that you came out ok, both stronger and wiser, and forget about him.

Last edited by Doorstopper; 15th October 2017 at 3:54 PM..
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Old 15th October 2017, 4:06 PM   #9
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This is easy. F that guy. He's an ******* and a cancer to your life. Block him. Forget it happened. In fact, block him everywhere you can find him.

Live your life. Be happy. Don't let him make your life toxic.
Exactly. You want your privacy (well as much as you can if you use social media) then block him everywhere. Who f'ing cares what he thinks if he realizes you've blocked him. this is for you! You said you're scared if he tries to pursue you again? That you might fall back into old habits? ALL the more reason to make it impossible for him to contact you. Out of sight out of mind and in your case you need it. Otherwise he'll always be in your mind on some level. Take back your power and block him!
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Old 15th October 2017, 4:14 PM   #10
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Exactly. You want your privacy (well as much as you can if you use social media) then block him everywhere. Who f'ing cares what he thinks if he realizes you've blocked him. this is for you! You said you're scared if he tries to pursue you again? That you might fall back into old habits? ALL the more reason to make it impossible for him to contact you. Out of sight out of mind and in your case you need it. Otherwise he'll always be in your mind on some level. Take back your power and block him!
The fervor stirred up on this page has almost intoned an audible chant. Can you hear it? Block him!
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Old 18th October 2017, 11:07 AM   #11
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Originally Posted by merrmeade View Post
In my country, we don't use this term any more for unmarried older women. It is absolutely derogatory. It implies that older women are no longer viable companions because they cannot procreate. Which is nonsense.
Is that right, merrmeade? Serious question. I live in the UK and I believe that we still use this word ("spinster") in everyday conversation in a completely non-derogatory way. I'm guessing that you are in the US?

I ask the question because I recently used the word myself! I hope I didn't offend anyone, I certainly didn't intend to!

Incidentally, why is it now considered derogatory? Is the male equivalent (bachelor?) also now considered derogatory?

Thanks for the clarification!

Last edited by jenkins95; 18th October 2017 at 11:12 AM..
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Old 18th October 2017, 5:18 PM   #12
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block him!

get him and keep him out of your life.

expose to any of his current "friends".

he is not a prize.
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Old 21st October 2017, 6:30 PM   #13
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Originally Posted by Upnortderhey View Post
But I fear the next attempt To try and draw me back in. Because I never know when it is coming. And I fear that I won't be strong enough. I fear he will make me crack and react, and feel vindicated. I was crazy. He told everyone that. Even his OW told me that. But she told me she actually thought that I might be nice. *snort*

It has been almost 8 years since we ended. And he is still trying to subtly exert control over me.

Not today Satan. Not today.
He can only exert control over you if you let him. Who cares that you need to "play it cool"? In the end, playing it cool will not make you happier. Block him, short and simple. Wherever he pops up, block. It's way faster to block than for him to sign up for an account. If he keeps bothering you, send the evidence to his current partner, then block both of them.
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Old 22nd October 2017, 1:22 AM   #14
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Hi Jenkins, my English Language teacher in school was an Englishman and I guess I was brought up on a diet of the Queen's English. I still spell words the good old English way and my OS keeps reminding me that I have made a mistake. Guess you can't teach an old dog new tricks! Warm wishes.
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Old 27th October 2017, 3:34 PM   #15
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Upnort, after 7 years apart from this man you still seem to hold a soft spot for him. Have you had counseling? If not, I recommend that you speak to someone ASAP. He should not have any control over you. DO NOT give this man anymore power than you already have. You've moved on with your life and are in a better place. Why would you think that you may bend just the slightest? You've come so far.

This situation that you experienced was a learning lesson. One that many OW should look at because many times when you are cheating with someone, they tend to cheat on you to. The same way you got him, is the same way that he left. He's no prize and consider it a blessing that you didn't waste God knows how many more years in this dysfunction. I wish you the best and hope that you block him. You have nothing to prove to anyone but yourself. BLOCK, keep it movin', and get your life!

Last edited by Matahari007; 27th October 2017 at 3:38 PM..
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