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Never been here; emotional affair?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 18th October 2017, 11:18 AM   #16
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Quote:
Originally Posted by BluesPower View Post
JAG and Jinks...

Guys, I just could not disagree more.

No, no, no... IMHO, if you do not have a passionate love, don't be married. Why live life that way, and yes I know that sooo many people do and I think it is a complete waste of LIFE.

Why would you not want to be with a woman that gets wet when you walk in a room. If you have not been there boys, well I am sorry.

I will never waste my life again, I did it for 26 years, not one more minute will I waste having and mediocre love that is just OK.

I understand many disagree, this is just where I am at now.
I totally get where you are coming from Blues.

But can the behaviour you describe "a woman that gets wet when you walk in a room", last forever?

I mean, would it even be RIGHT for it to last forever? When I think of this in the context of my parents, and even grandparents (and for that matter, siblings, uncles, etc, etc)...it kind of makes me laugh. (Perhaps they just keep this passionate side well hidden in public!)

Doesn't that level of passion naturally curb and mellow to a more mature kind of passion? Sex between my wife and I is great, very satisfying. But it only happens maybe twice a week, and we are not swinging off chandeliers and knocking over tables in our desperate lust to bang each other!! Although we did long ago in the past!

Blues, if you can maintain that kind of passion over a multi-decade relationship, then I raise my glass and take my hat off to you! Good for you! Share your secret!
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Old 19th October 2017, 10:10 AM   #17
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Thanks everyone for all the insight. Many of the comments here have been very thought provoking.

I agree with the fact that most marriages, no matter the starting point, get to the comfortable stage. For that I suppose I'm thankful for my marriage. There are lots of regrets for what I never had, but at the same time those regrets do not make me want to chase what I missed out on. What's done is done. At this point I have someone who will be there if I need them financially and to take care of things I'm unable to, as he did with my recent health scare. I do not feel the need to have someone to cuddle on the couch to watch a movie with or hold me when I cry after the death of a loved one. Interestingly enough when I lost my parents and my grandmother I handled it much like a business event. I arranged all the funeral details, eulogized each one, and when I had my breakdown moments I had them in private or with my children to ensure my boys knew it was OK to cry. My husband was by my side, but left me to my own accord to deal with my grief, and I was completely comfortable and happy for it be handled that way.

I do volunteer on a regular basis with a few local charitable organizations. I often go to events or concerts, but again am happy to go with my children or alone since my husband doesn't share my passion for arts or music. Again, I don't feel I'm lacking anything by doing things this way. The main difference in where I am now and where we were previously is I am not as politically involved. Was very much a part of local and state politics in my previous area. Had multiple candidate clients who I handled the marketing and campaign management for. Here I am only involved in one local council race. The fact remains though, my lack of emotions and deep connections was the same when I was surrounded by a hundred people.

Maybe I am finally allowing myself to feel something because I feel safe enough with this person. They are 1500 miles away so there is no chance of anything physical happening...not that I've even entertained that thought and we've never once discussed anything sexual, I have no clue if he and his wife have sex nightly or if it's been 10 years...brought it up here from previous comments on the thread. He is committed to his marriage. He is currently in the process of building a new home for them to ensure when she is permanently confined to a wheelchair over the next 5 years they will be able to manage. She will likely be in a full time care facility in the next 10 years. I believe he feels the same security with me. He can let me know how hard it is some days, the toll it takes being the sole provider for the family, her primary care provider, the frustration of not being able to be spontaneous, and even the aggravation he feels when he wishes she would just try to have a little bit more self motivation and push herself as her doctors have advised over the years. Yet, he is by her side unconditionally. Life is different than he pictured 25 years ago, but he knows it is what it is and that's the life he has so he makes the most of it.

Clearly we are both leaning on each other, but I believe we allow ourselves to because of the safety net. We both just need a friend, and we've become that to one another. We've both acknowledged we have very few friends as we do not easily let others in. She knows about me. My husband knows about him.

Thanks again for reading and for the responses. Just getting some of this out is cathartic. Although the more I write, the more I realize the need for added caution. I don't want the safety net we currently view the other as to be yanked away and either of us to fall into a free fall of emotions.

Last edited by Neverbeenhere40; 19th October 2017 at 10:17 AM..
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Old 19th October 2017, 10:24 AM   #18
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Let me put it this way...

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Originally Posted by jenkins95 View Post
I totally get where you are coming from Blues.

But can the behaviour you describe "a woman that gets wet when you walk in a room", last forever?

I mean, would it even be RIGHT for it to last forever? When I think of this in the context of my parents, and even grandparents (and for that matter, siblings, uncles, etc, etc)...it kind of makes me laugh. (Perhaps they just keep this passionate side well hidden in public!)

Doesn't that level of passion naturally curb and mellow to a more mature kind of passion? Sex between my wife and I is great, very satisfying. But it only happens maybe twice a week, and we are not swinging off chandeliers and knocking over tables in our desperate lust to bang each other!! Although we did long ago in the past!

Blues, if you can maintain that kind of passion over a multi-decade relationship, then I raise my glass and take my hat off to you! Good for you! Share your secret!
Let me put it this way...

1) If the passion is not there, for me, I find a new one. I know that you are still married and it may be different.

2) When I am with a woman, in a relationship, She is treated like a queen inside and outside of the bed room.

3) Example, I made love to my new GF almost the entire night last night. And when I got up, made coffee, recovered from the hangover enough to see straight, got her coffee and let her wake up a little. I made love to her until we both had to go to work. We both left with a smile on our face.

I am like that every time with most women that I have been with, and doubly with this newest one. She is wet from start to finish, from the moment that I kiss her until I kiss her to leave.

It is wonderful...

And until my STBXW went completely off the deep end with her drug addiction, it was like that with her...
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Old 19th October 2017, 2:26 PM   #19
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Hi Blues, I get what you are saying and I appreciate the fact that you are how you are. There may be others somewhat like you but the fact is that you are unique as each one of us is. My tastes will be alien to you as likewise yours will be to me. I can also understand that you see the world through your own experiences and feelings including your drives, your likes and dislikes and so on. That is what makes you unique. However, as they say, a one size fits all approach does not work with everyone. You are talking about your GF getting wet every time you walk into the room where she is. That is wonderful but I do not think there are many couples who can claim that kind of arousal. It requires a certain animal magnetism which everyone may not have. However that does not mean that there is no love between the husband and wife. Maybe you attract ladies whose love language vibrates at the same level as yours. In that case lucky you. I know in my case I feel a deep connection with my wife. In fact I actually think she is my guardian angel here on Earth as I have been in some dicey situations with her and we have come through unscathed. I also have noticed that I have a psychic connection with her as often I have been thinking of something and she comes out with the exact thing that I was thinking about. Sometimes I come out with something that she was thinking of and surprise her. We have often commented on this.

The way I see lust and love is as if I were to compare it with the ocean. On the surface of the ocean a storm may be brewing and the waves are running high and ships at sea are buffeted with high waves. There is a lot of sound and fury all around. However, go down five hundred feet or more and you will find that the waters are quite calm and although there are undercurrents there, they are strong but move in slow motion. The surface of the ocean is like the lust people have for each other with a lot of sound and fury. But when the storm dies down the ocean surface becomes still and if you are in a sailing boat you become stationary not moving in any direction. However deep down below the undercurrents are still there and they are as strong as ever and can move mountains if required. I know it is not an accurate comparison but this is just a way of illustrating how powerful deep love of that kind can be. Maybe the OP's male friend has that kind of love for his wife. However the OP certainly does not have that love at least at present. My suggestion to her was only to see if she could kindle such a love within her heart. After all, she has been with her husband a long time and has had two children with him. It is not as if she does not have emotions. She has bottled up her emotions and these are likely to burst at any time if some trigger comes along. If she is able to channel those emotions by a conscious effort towards her husband then would it not be better than if she squandered them on some guy who came into her life like Hop along Cassidy? If she finds it impossible to create love for her husband then I think it is better she divorce because her love emotion is roiling inside her although she has it bottled safely for now. It only needs a trigger to set it off and she will join the ranks of all those sad folk who have ended up cheating on their spouses. Hope what I wrote makes some sense. Warm wishes.

Last edited by Just a Guy; 19th October 2017 at 2:29 PM..
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Old 20th October 2017, 6:13 PM   #20
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you would be fine if your H had an affair?

maybe you should tell him to have the A. He is feeling your distance.

you are having an affair until he backed off, so in your mind it should be okay for him to have an A?
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Old 23rd October 2017, 12:14 AM   #21
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Originally Posted by Neverbeenhere40 View Post

Clearly we are both leaning on each other, but I believe we allow ourselves to because of the safety net. We both just need a friend, and we've become that to one another. We've both acknowledged we have very few friends as we do not easily let others in. She knows about me. My husband knows about him.

Thanks again for reading and for the responses. Just getting some of this out is cathartic. Although the more I write, the more I realize the need for added caution. I don't want the safety net we currently view the other as to be yanked away and either of us to fall into a free fall of emotions.
Well, don't say we didn't warn you

Does your husband know the depth of your relationship with the OM, and does he have access to hear/see all of your communications?

Having this kind of "friendship" with a man is risky to say the least. Don't you have female friends you can confide in?
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Old 23rd October 2017, 1:47 AM   #22
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It doesn't matter what anyone else's personal needs and beliefs are. I happen to agree with Just A Guy, but it doesn't even matter what anyone things about arranged marriage. It doesn't help the OP at all to debate it. It IS a cultural difference, and what works is what is right. There are many things that keep married people together. Love is only one of them, and there are many kinds of love.

But love is also there more than you realize, like JAG said. Look up the word "propinquity." It describe a relationship that develops merely by the fact of being in proximity with someone and sharing a lot. Therefore, it means you have a choice to invest that time and interest into improving your relationship with your husband. Why not do that instead of this other person?
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Old 23rd October 2017, 11:43 AM   #23
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It always amazes me how much effort a woman will put into an extramarital relationship. Things she won't do for her husband, but then blames him for a lack of intimacy, sex, etc. Stuff like losing weight, getting hot new sexy clothes, feigning interest in sports or whatever just to strengthen the bond.

I have recently discovered a second inappropriate "friendship" my wife was having with a co-worker a few years back. It was to the point of ILY's
She says he was a "girly" man nurse who talks to all the women he works with that way. Then I find out the guy was a firefighter before becoming a nurse and loves to go back woods hunting with high powered rifles. Girly man my ass.

Looks like my marriage is trashed because my wife had such ****ty boundaries. I would hate to see it happen to the OP.
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Old 5th November 2017, 3:06 PM   #24
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Haven't been back to update in a few weeks. My coworker and I have gotten closer, but it is on a friendly only basis. We text often, but it is benign topics, music, Halloween activities, etc. There is nothing in the texts I would have a problem with his wife or my husband seeing. I was out of the office a good bit last month. He didn't call to chat. We didn't speak at all for over a week. He has said nothing remotely sexual or with any innuendos.

He does vent to me and let me know he feels he can tell me anything. However, the "anything" he talks to me about is usually work stuff or stuff from his childhood. Nothing romantic.

I do feel h is one of my closest friends at the moment. He's the only person I really text with. Not sure how many close friends he has, but he tells me he doesn't really have any friends. Due to other past issues I have a hard time trusting people to be my friend. After the death of my best friend many years ago, then a disagreement with my other best friend a few years after that which led to use not speaking for going on 5 years now, I do not open myself up to friendship often. It feels good to have a friend again. Would feel the same way if it was a same sex friend.

I am not looking for an affair. My marriage is what it is, but I'm not looking to end it through the drama an affair would bring. I also know, even if my friend had feelings for me, he will not ever leave his wife. He is too much of a good person to leave her when she has no one to take care of her. She will only continue to get sicker with her illness and he nor I would ever expect anything less than her being his top priority. To me that is friendship not an affair.
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Old 5th November 2017, 9:51 PM   #25
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How is his wife? is she capable of walking on her own? i have no idea what disease she has,but sounds like some form of serious multiple sclerosis? i think he might feel lonely and i totally understand him,he is a good man after all it sounds.most men would leave :/ do they have kids?

Last edited by adna89; 5th November 2017 at 9:58 PM..
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