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Husband in prison, separated, talked reconciliation, met younger man...


CantHandleBadSex

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CantHandleBadSex

[T]his is a serious issue I am having.

 

Last year I told my husband I wanted a separation. There were many reasons. I may have brought up dissatisfaction with sex, but I probably didn't highlight it like I needed to. At the time, it was easier to be angry with him and focus on the things that really ticked me off than to get into ALL of the ugliness about my dissatisfaction.

 

A little more about our situation - he's in prison. In a state where we get what you all would call "conjugal visits." I was living in another state - FAR, but now I'm living in the area.

 

When we split, after all the anger we decided to stay friends. For a year letters and phone calls came but much less frequently. When I moved back to the area, I went to see him for a "family visit" as they're called and I was appreciating the closeness. I realized I missed him. We had more discussion about what went wrong and started talking reconciliation.

 

Since I told him (again) all of the things that I really felt were creating a rift between us, he has been trying to fix them. I can see that he's trying. We're communicating better and I can remember why I fell in love with him (finally).

 

BUT THE SEX! He's trying there too but not getting it done and it's not like I don't give direction. It's like he pretty much does what I say, but then TOTALLY misses the mark.

 

Foreplay skills are practically non-existent and when they're there, they're not that good. I mean, I've had GOOD LOVERS. Men who worked my body from head to toe. Not happening here. And like, sorry to get graphic, but to use an example, cowgirl is my favorite position. It's the way I'm most likely to get off and I can get up there and it's like I can't even find the spot. The groove, much less get off. I don't know if he just doesn't know how to move WITH me and how much teaching can I do? It shouldn't be this effing hard!!! I mean he's hot and I want to have sex with him but it just DOESN'T WORK!

 

So I was on a site during the separation time and I keep checking in here and there. It's Fetlife by the way. A site for kinky people. It's sort of like social media so it's not a DATING site, but ppl contact you if they find you interesting. So this BOY contacts me asking me if I'd like to get to know a younger guy. I'm in my 40's, he's in his 20's. I actually did this exact thing in reverse in my youth, but I digress....

 

Besides the fact that he's hot, he's inexperienced (and I like playing teacher). But YOUNG and inexperienced enough to KNOW he's inexperienced, so he's more eager to learn and please. The temptation was too irresistible. ESPECIALLY because during my last visit with my husband and the difficulty in getting me off, he said, "Maybe it's just me." And I'm thinking IS it JUST HIM? I got no problem getting myself off. Maybe I'm so used to that that all men are going to be difficult?

 

So I went out with the kid and it was AMAZING! I mean he's inexperienced, but with some training, I could make this kid a GOD in the bedroom lol. He's got a gentle touch and takes direction well. He's open to a lot of things which is also exciting.

 

Getting back to the husband....Another problem is I take medication and he seems to think that that's the bulk of the problem and IT ISN'T. It's like the problem is all mine and not that he's lousy. What am I supposed to do with that? How long am I supposed to hang on like that?

 

And about what I did...It's hard for me to even feel guilty. I mean I DO, but probably not as guilty as I should. We once had a conversation about what if the shoe was on the other foot and he said, "I would send you money, packages, come for visits, but I can't say I wouldn't see a pro now and then." It was an honest answer and him being a man, I wasn't even angry about it. Men don't do well going long periods of time without sex. But right now I'm using that to justify my behavior. The kid isn't a pro, but it's not like I'm imagining a long term serious relationship. He still lives with his parents and I feel like most people are going to look at me like I'm NUTS if I said, "This is my boyfriend." I mean I feel like a predator because he just LOOKS so young. Talk about robbing the cradle though age has never been nothing but a number in my family. My late husband was 20 years older than me. My dad was 20 yrs older than my mom, so I don't sweat it TOO much but yeah, I am sweating it a little.

 

Last but not least, there's the fact that there are all these kinky things I want to try that I cannot see doing with my husband. For anyone familiar with BDSM (I'm not experienced, just newly turned on by it), I'd probably be best called a switch, but I'm fairly certain my husband wouldn't be down to be dommed and I can't see him domming me. So there are all these new things I want to try and I can't see doing them with him.

 

Part of me wants to stay at least to the end of his bid. To be there for him because prison SUCKS. I love him. He's got AT LEAST 3 years left but they could keep him if they want to. MAYBE if we had more time together for sex it would get better? But I doubt that when he keeps blaming my meds instead of his technique.

 

But I don't want to give up what I'm doing out here. As a matter of fact I want to do MORE. By the way, can't see open marriage working for him either.

 

I have no idea what to do and I really didn't want to have this conversation with the people that know me. There are people I'm close to that know about all my exploits, but I really just wanted to see what strangers had to say. What advice the masses might have. I'm also hoping that I don't get responded to by a bunch of people beating me down for what I did.

 

Thanks for reading this tome.

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My personal feelings is you have nothing to be guilty about. Prison is auto divorce in my book. I mean who does these types of things when you have someone else counting on you.

 

Only thing, I believe you should be totally honest with your husband about sex with this kid. It would be unfair to have him believe you are playing the role of faithful.

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40somethingGuy

how long is he in there for and what crime? Relevant.

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CantHandleBadSex
My personal feelings is you have nothing to be guilty about. Prison is auto divorce in my book. I mean who does these types of things when you have someone else counting on you.

 

Only thing, I believe you should be totally honest with your husband about sex with this kid. It would be unfair to have him believe you are playing the role of faithful.

 

I knew he was a bad boy when I got involved so I knew what I was getting into.

 

If I was to tell him, I could pretty much count on it being over. And over in a BAD way. Like no way to be amicable after that.

 

how long is he in there for and what crime? Relevant.

 

Actually, his crime isn't relevant. I said he's got 3 yrs minimum left.

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I knew he was a bad boy when I got involved so I knew what I was getting into.

 

If I was to tell him, I could pretty much count on it being over. And over in a BAD way. Like no way to be amicable after that.

 

 

 

Actually, his crime isn't relevant. I said he's got 3 yrs minimum left.

 

Listen, if can't be honest then it's impossible to resolve issues and find happiness. If you can't be honest then what's the point in having this marriage. He isn't your only shot at happiness, nor can you build a fulfilled marriage hoping it would just magically get better, be it sex, honesty, staying out of prison.

 

Banging some kid who still live at home with mommy and daddy isn't the answer, and it will only make things worse..

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If it were me I would probably divorce not because of bad sex but because my husband got incarcerated in the first place. Unless I truly believed my husband was innocent and got railroaded, breaking the law and going to jail is a deal breaker for me. In my opinion, when a man breaks the law knowing full well that he is risking incarceration then he is the one who made the choice to abandon his spouse. I say be honest with your husband and get a divorce

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kittencupcake

I think the reason people are asking what his crime was is because they’re concerned he could get violent with the guy you’re cheating with if he finds out. Is that a possibility? When you say you’re ‘separated’ do you just mean physically or do you mean legally too?

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I don't see how banging this kid makes anything worse. Sounds like it makes your life much better.

 

I think you're never going to feel fulfilled by your husband. Im on the fence about whether you should be truthful to him and when. It just seems like it might make it easier for him while hes in there to feel like he's not totally alone, though not till the very end.

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I don't see how banging this kid makes anything worse. Sounds like it makes your life much better.

 

I think you're never going to feel fulfilled by your husband. Im on the fence about whether you should be truthful to him and when. It just seems like it might make it easier for him while hes in there to feel like he's not totally alone, though not till the very end.

 

Well she is married, plans to stay married and feels guilty so yeah banging this kid is making it worse.

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I don't get this:

 

Since I told him (again) all of the things that I really felt were creating a rift between us, he has been trying to fix them. I can see that he's trying. We're communicating better and I can remember why I fell in love with him (finally).

 

Trying how? He's in prison! So what is he like nice to you for the one hour that you're together? Of course he is! Bc, you know, again, he's in prison, and you're coming to have sex with him!!!!

 

He's in prison...divorce him.

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Hi Golden, the lady married knowing he was a bad boy. Now bad boys do bad things which sometimes get them into prison. If you knowingly cut your nose to spite your face then you cannot really blame anyone. Also, if he is guilty of a felony she is not exactly a virtuous angel. She is still married to him but is cheating on him nevertheless. I don't know who can blame whom but overall a very messy situation. Just a thought.

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kittencupcake

It sounds like you and your husband are just not physically compatible. I don’t see the sex just magically getting any better..particularly not when you won’t see him to practice that often.

 

Since sex is clearly one of the most important things in a relationship to you, I think it’s time to let this marriage go so you can have your fun elsewhere without endangering anyone.

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Canthandlebadsex, you have an honesty problem.

 

You cannot be honest with your BH or us. You

will not say why he is in jail and tell him that

you are having an affair.

 

The first advice given to a WW in an affair is

for her to confess. You need to tell your BH about

the affair and then to end her affair.

 

Also does this OM know about your BH and that

he is in jail?

 

As to being a good teacher. Well it is more then

saying do this. It is observing that whatever is being

done is being done the right way. Then calmly direct.

 

Also there are sex therapists that can work with

you and your BH after he is out of prison.

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Canthandlebadsex, you have an honesty problem.

 

You cannot be honest with your BH or us. You

will not say why he is in jail and tell him that

you are having an affair.

 

 

No need to say more. This is everything.

 

Whether he's in prison or what he did, he's in jail believing his wife is at least thinking of R, as well as being faithful. Hope is a damned thing especially when you're locked up.

 

Be honest, tell him, stop building up his hope, he's working hard on fixing himself now he's having sex and there's another man in his place.

 

Let him go, maybe when he comes out he can rebuild with someone else and you can have all the good sex you need.

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CantHandleBadSex
I think the reason people are asking what his crime was is because they’re concerned he could get violent with the guy you’re cheating with if he finds out. Is that a possibility? When you say you’re ‘separated’ do you just mean physically or do you mean legally too?

 

I'm not worried about him being violent with me. it was a stupid thing.

 

Separated was just an agreement between us. We were in different states, as far as doing that legally I wouldn't even have known how to do that and it wasn't that important to me at the time. I figured IF I had built on a new relationship, it might be necessary but I was prepared to even be there when he came home even as friends. Being married often helps at parole so I was prepared to hang in there.

 

I don't see how banging this kid makes anything worse. Sounds like it makes your life much better.

 

I think you're never going to feel fulfilled by your husband. Im on the fence about whether you should be truthful to him and when. It just seems like it might make it easier for him while hes in there to feel like he's not totally alone, though not till the very end.

 

It seems like YOU get it. I'm taking in all the feedback but it's hard because I DO care for him. I want to be there for him. I was prepared to be there for him even when he got out so long as there was nobody else. Doing time is hard and he tells me that those family visits are his one chance to feel normal. I HATE taking that away from him.

 

I don't get this:

 

 

 

Trying how? He's in prison! So what is he like nice to you for the one hour that you're together? Of course he is! Bc, you know, again, he's in prison, and you're coming to have sex with him!!!!

 

He's in prison...divorce him.

 

This is pretty much the answer I was expecting. I feel like everyone thinks this way but he is a very giving person. When I wasn't working and couldn't send money, he was doing his thing in there. Not gonna lie, he was dealing inside, but you know what? He sent ME money during that time. He won a lawsuit and I got most of the money. When I'm there for family visits, he caters to me. I don't cook, I don't clean. I start and he pushes me to go relax. For those 2 days he spoils me.

 

And as far as how trying - one of my complaints was lack of communication. He was feeling like I don't take his reality into consideration, but the thing is, he doesn't tell me any of the bad stuff. He INSISTED on protecting me from that but then it's hard for me to REMEMBER how ****ty stuff is for him. I mean you would think it should be obvious but when I'm in my head, I forget and it's easy to forget when he's always perky and happy on the phone, visits, etc. I just figure he knows how to handle it and it didn't occur to me that he could actually be struggling. So when I say he's trying, he's opening up and letting me in a bit which I KNOW is hard for him.

 

It sounds like you and your husband are just not physically compatible. I don’t see the sex just magically getting any better..particularly not when you won’t see him to practice that often.

 

Since sex is clearly one of the most important things in a relationship to you, I think it’s time to let this marriage go so you can have your fun elsewhere without endangering anyone.

 

Yeah. I think I didn't realize just how important it was. Probably because I've always had it so good lol.

 

Canthandlebadsex, you have an honesty problem.

 

You cannot be honest with your BH or us. You

will not say why he is in jail and tell him that

you are having an affair.

 

The first advice given to a WW in an affair is

for her to confess. You need to tell your BH about

the affair and then to end her affair.

 

Also does this OM know about your BH and that

he is in jail?

 

As to being a good teacher. Well it is more then

saying do this. It is observing that whatever is being

done is being done the right way. Then calmly direct.

 

Also there are sex therapists that can work with

you and your BH after he is out of prison.

 

I have no idea what BH or WW is. I"m guessing H is for husband but I don't know what W is though I figure one of them is woman.

 

And yes the kid knows about the husband. Truth is I'm USUALLY a very honest person. I was straight up with the kid. For 5 years I was faithful and we only got the family visits after about 2 years so that was 2 years of celibacy.

 

And just out of curiosity, what exactly is to be gained by confessing? I've never had anything to confess to so I never really thought about it. I know for a fact I once read an article about how confessing is selfish. It's for me to absolve myself and make myself feel better but how does it HELP him? Only hurts him. That's just one perspective. For me, I don't see myself confessing. I could see myself moving on maybe, but the way I see it the advice I mentioned is true. It would only serve to hurt him which I don't want to do.

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kittencupcake
Canthandlebadsex, you have an honesty problem.

 

You cannot be honest with your BH or us. You

will not say why he is in jail and tell him that

you are having an affair.

 

The first advice given to a WW in an affair is

for her to confess. You need to tell your BH about

the affair and then to end her affair.

 

Also does this OM know about your BH and that

he is in jail?

 

As to being a good teacher. Well it is more then

saying do this. It is observing that whatever is being

done is being done the right way. Then calmly direct.

 

Also there are sex therapists that can work with

you and your BH after he is out of prison.

 

Dude..why do you need to know the exact crime her husband committed? The only thing that matters is whether or not he has a propensity for violence..whether it's towards her or the people she sleeps with.

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How is the young guy any answer?

 

Yes, he is there for the sex, but he still lives with Mommy and

Daddy.

 

You or he could get attached to each other.

 

How can he support you, or are you going to support him?

 

Even People in prison have contacts on the outside. You really think he will not find out?

 

Your boy toy has told all of his friends about you. You should be careful, because so many people know about your boy toy.

 

He has broadcast your A with him to everybody. He feels like getting sex with you that he won the lottery.

 

But he is not long-term relationship material.

 

Hope you can be honest with the H. Get the D now. you could still try to teach him and go visit. Something to brighten his horrible experience. Something for him to look forward to with your visits.

 

 

good luck. I have daughters. I hope you find some happiness.

 

Maybe for a while the boy toy will bring you short term happiness.

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I'm not worried about him being violent with me. it was a stupid thing.

 

Separated was just an agreement between us. We were in different states, as far as doing that legally I wouldn't even have known how to do that and it wasn't that important to me at the time. I figured IF I had built on a new relationship, it might be necessary but I was prepared to even be there when he came home even as friends. Being married often helps at parole so I was prepared to hang in there.

 

 

 

It seems like YOU get it. I'm taking in all the feedback but it's hard because I DO care for him. I want to be there for him. I was prepared to be there for him even when he got out so long as there was nobody else. Doing time is hard and he tells me that those family visits are his one chance to feel normal. I HATE taking that away from him.

 

 

 

This is pretty much the answer I was expecting. I feel like everyone thinks this way but he is a very giving person. When I wasn't working and couldn't send money, he was doing his thing in there. Not gonna lie, he was dealing inside, but you know what? He sent ME money during that time. He won a lawsuit and I got most of the money. When I'm there for family visits, he caters to me. I don't cook, I don't clean. I start and he pushes me to go relax. For those 2 days he spoils me.

 

And as far as how trying - one of my complaints was lack of communication. He was feeling like I don't take his reality into consideration, but the thing is, he doesn't tell me any of the bad stuff. He INSISTED on protecting me from that but then it's hard for me to REMEMBER how ****ty stuff is for him. I mean you would think it should be obvious but when I'm in my head, I forget and it's easy to forget when he's always perky and happy on the phone, visits, etc. I just figure he knows how to handle it and it didn't occur to me that he could actually be struggling. So when I say he's trying, he's opening up and letting me in a bit which I KNOW is hard for him.

 

 

 

Yeah. I think I didn't realize just how important it was. Probably because I've always had it so good lol.

 

 

 

I have no idea what BH or WW is. I"m guessing H is for husband but I don't know what W is though I figure one of them is woman.

 

And yes the kid knows about the husband. Truth is I'm USUALLY a very honest person. I was straight up with the kid. For 5 years I was faithful and we only got the family visits after about 2 years so that was 2 years of celibacy.

 

And just out of curiosity, what exactly is to be gained by confessing? I've never had anything to confess to so I never really thought about it. I know for a fact I once read an article about how confessing is selfish. It's for me to absolve myself and make myself feel better but how does it HELP him? Only hurts him. That's just one perspective. For me, I don't see myself confessing. I could see myself moving on maybe, but the way I see it the advice I mentioned is true. It would only serve to hurt him which I don't want to do.

Would confession hurt him? Well, not really. What hurts is the fact your having sex with another man. Confession only allows your husband to have a say in what kind of marriage he is in.

 

Selfish is making unilateral decisions, selfish is lying and decieption. Honesty may bring painful truths but make no mistake confession isn't the source of the pain you being unfaithful is.

 

Justify it however you like, truth is, you like most cheaters don't want to confess because it will change how people view you. Not wanting to hurt you spouse in this manner isn't out of your control

 

 

My personal view is prison=divorce. You made it clear you don't share that view so what your doing can't be justified because he is locked up. Either or but not both. Just another run of the mill unfaithful spouse, no matter how you twist the circumstances.

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Hi OP, it is sad that on the one hand you say you do not want to confess to your husband about your affair with with your BoyToy because you do not want to hurt him. On the other hand you are hurting him immensely by having this affair while he is in prison and cannot do anything about it. When he does come out of prison and gets to know of it, as I'm sure he will, he will be devastated, not just hurt. You seem certain that you are going to stick by him which is apparent from everything that you have written about what you think of him and how he cares for you. If you were really feeling the need for sex so strongly then you should have just talked to him and got his consent to open your marriage or get your needs satisfied while he is in prison. However, that reasoning would not work in view of the conjugal visits that you are allowed and which helps both you and him to get your sexual needs met. What you are doing is simply having your cake and eating it too. You get to have sex with your husband and you get to enjoy exciting variety with a young, horny BoyToy who you can teach how to please you in any way that you want. Maybe you should charge him for the lessons as I am sure he will use his newly acquired skills in bedding a number of unsuspecting women both single and married in his later life.

 

What you are doing to your husband is stabbing him in the back when he is at his most vulnerable. He, poor chap is paying for his sins by doing jail time. You, on the other hand are a free bird enjoying the best of both worlds; being married and yet living the single life with no consequences for you.

 

Having said that I will also say that your consequences will come later in some form or the other. This secret that you think you will carry to your grave will come to bite you in the a.. at an inopportune moment in your life. At any rate you are entitled to live your life according to your own rules and ethical code of conduct. If your ethics permit this sort of thing by all means go ahead. You wanted to know what BS and WW stand for, well they are Betrayed Husband and Wayward Wife. Goodluck!

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