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Need to know all the truth


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 19th October 2017, 11:28 AM   #16
Mun
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Update

We're starting MC next week, and he's really good with me lately, the husband I'd always wanted him to be. But I have a dilemma: shall I contact his ex mistress to double check if he's telling the truth? This might change everything in case the two stories would not be the same. I'm not sure if I am ready to know but on the other hand, while weeks goes on, I know I don't want to live the rest of my life thinking that he's still lying and might get away with it.
I'm feel so conflicted.
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Old 19th October 2017, 11:32 AM   #17
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I see your point

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Originally Posted by viatori patuit View Post
My first marriage ended with an affair.


For me, the details were unimportant. I did not reconcile though. My take was that once I found out and processed it reconciliation would never happen. There are so many other people out there that can make someone happy, why mess with a broken partnership.

I feel your pain and understand not everyone can just walk away. But if you are not willing to then you are probably going to have to deal with this again.

Good luck. I hope you find peace.
But having a very small child together and living in a country that is not my country would make things very difficult to arrange. It would mean me leaving and taking the child away from him. Which us horrible, not for him, he deserves this since the moment he decided that his selfish needs were worth more than his family and marriage, but for the child. I grew up without my father, he died when I was really young and I would like my child to avoid this pain.
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Old 19th October 2017, 11:56 AM   #18
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: shall I contact his ex mistress to double check if he's telling the truth?
His mistress may not tell you the truth and if she is still seeing him she will cover up for him and tell you she hasn't heard from him, or if she isn't in contact, she may tell you she is, to cause trouble for you and him...

People in affairs lie. She is NOT your friend, she will probably see herself as your competitor or your enemy. In the event she sees herself as one out of two wronged women, the other being you, the fact you are reconciling with the common "enemy" (your husband) will alienate her from you.
All in all you cannot trust a word she says.
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Old 19th October 2017, 1:45 PM   #19
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But having a very small child together and living in a country that is not my country would make things very difficult to arrange. It would mean me leaving and taking the child away from him. Which us horrible, not for him, he deserves this since the moment he decided that his selfish needs were worth more than his family and marriage, but for the child. I grew up without my father, he died when I was really young and I would like my child to avoid this pain.
Try not to let what happened with your Father, influence your own actions. It is far better to raise a child in a happy, single parent household, than a two parent unhappy household. Do you really wish to teach your child that a loveless marriage is an acceptable one?

I know it is very hard to make these sort of decisions, especially when your child is young. But you have to think about not only what is best for the child, but also you long-term. I can tell you from experience that children are very resilient and will be fine with a long distance divorce.

I believe I mentioned to you earlier what you need to do to set in motion to leave, if that is what you decide to do. Make sure if you do leave, that you have a money safety net in cash (not in the bank) ahead of time, etc...
Good luck.
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Old 19th October 2017, 4:31 PM   #20
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If I were you, I would bundle my child up and go home to the UK, to friends and family.

You don't want to be alone in a strange country with a bad marriage and a cheating husband.
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Old 20th October 2017, 1:48 PM   #21
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If I were you, I would bundle my child up and go home to the UK, to friends and family.

You don't want to be alone in a strange country with a bad marriage and a cheating husband.
If you do this make sure you are living in the UK for just over six months BEFORE you start your divorce, this way your when you do the child custody part, your domicile will be considered to be in the UK. The UK has a good basic financial support system for single parents that can help you out with reasonable housing and finances. Travel across EU nations is easy and cheap, plus with internet now, if you H really wants to keep up his relationship with your child he won't have any problems doing so. Before you decide what your going to do long term with your relationship you really need to think it through in depth as these decisions will affect you for another 17 years.
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Old 21st October 2017, 7:17 PM   #22
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Personally, I dont want a partner for all things in life (a spouse) that has no problem lying straight to my face. I think you are right to investigate up one side and down the other. But what the other poster said about contacting the OW is likely good advice. Unless she is prepared to offer proof of things (like ongoing contact), youre very unlikely to be able to believe anything she says.

But in general I think that investigating after an affair is simply wise and the price of admission. The bonus is that if you investigate and find nothing, then you both win. This is how trust is rebuilt. You can trust but you should verify. And when you see consistently verified actions over time, then the trust is gradually restored.

On the flip side, if you do find hes lying, youre in a better position to make informed decisions. I think its best that you both embrace the need for your investigations. If hes receptive to it, that can also speak volumes.

The alternative is to never really know. I really doubt that lasts. It only throws a rug over the mess. Nothing buried gets healed.
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Old 26th October 2017, 6:26 AM   #23
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Hi, I posted here before but this time I would like to hear from Betrayed Spouses. How important you think it is, in order to heal, to know all the truth? Would you go as far as reaching out as your spouse/partner's affair partner to know that? Do you feel like the need to know details like exactly how long the affair lasted for is useful? I really want to be able to forgive my WS but because his shame and fear of losing our family ( and quite possibly pride too) he's being very vague about details of his indisctretion/s. This is turning into obsession for me, even if what I want more is being able to forgive him. But I feel that in order to do that I need conplete honesty, even if it hurts. Could be that I have it already, could not be.so difficult to trust someone who lied on you before already. I'm open to your experiences and suggestions.
I did (reach out to the AP). I feel like I never would have gotten the truth if I hadn't. Remember, women are likely to lie about the sex, men are likely to lie about everything else. The AP gave me the real sex details and a near complete fabrication of the "how it happened" and "who pursed who". My wife gave me the opposite, sex details that sound like something from a RomCom and the real "how it happened" story. I never confirmed her "how it happened" with the AP, but my W did eventually confirm the sex details that I got from the AP as accurate/true. It came at a price though, trusting the POSOM over your W puts you in a bad spot; it's almost like you and her AP against her. Not exactly good for healing, that's for sure.

Also, I will say, I "had something" over the AP, something that was very important to him that I did not disclose, so he had very good reason to respond to me and tell me the truth. Had I not had this, I'm not sure I would have gone down this route because the AP has every reason in the world to lie/minimize and make it all the other person's (in this case, your spouse) fault. I also went way beyond "legal/moral" in my quest for electronic data, I'm not happy with myself for this either, some of it was way over the line. It did give me more and let me wring out the last couple of confessions, but, all of this stuff, it comes at a price to the BS. You become, at least I did, a more crappy version of yourself. I spent months after d-day making threats, being a bully, gathering intelligence using illegal methods, and basically just being a POS. It's not like I didn't have justification, but, I crossed the line and now have to live with it.
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Old 26th October 2017, 12:03 PM   #24
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All I want to know

Is that what he's telling me about length of the affair (wasn't really an affair, was more something he had before me and never stopped, I am basically the other woman but the other knew about me and I didn't know about her)
I need to know how much he can go further with lies and keep up a normal appearance. Also, has he had contacts on whatsapp with another woman who lives far away from us I want confirmation that they never actually met.
I am really tempted to write to the first one as she hates him and feels like he used her (she didn't know we were going to get married or having a child).

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I did (reach out to the AP). I feel like I never would have gotten the truth if I hadn't. Remember, women are likely to lie about the sex, men are likely to lie about everything else. The AP gave me the real sex details and a near complete fabrication of the "how it happened" and "who pursed who". My wife gave me the opposite, sex details that sound like something from a RomCom and the real "how it happened" story. I never confirmed her "how it happened" with the AP, but my W did eventually confirm the sex details that I got from the AP as accurate/true. It came at a price though, trusting the POSOM over your W puts you in a bad spot; it's almost like you and her AP against her. Not exactly good for healing, that's for sure.

Also, I will say, I "had something" over the AP, something that was very important to him that I did not disclose, so he had very good reason to respond to me and tell me the truth. Had I not had this, I'm not sure I would have gone down this route because the AP has every reason in the world to lie/minimize and make it all the other person's (in this case, your spouse) fault. I also went way beyond "legal/moral" in my quest for electronic data, I'm not happy with myself for this either, some of it was way over the line. It did give me more and let me wring out the last couple of confessions, but, all of this stuff, it comes at a price to the BS. You become, at least I did, a more crappy version of yourself. I spent months after d-day making threats, being a bully, gathering intelligence using illegal methods, and basically just being a POS. It's not like I didn't have justification, but, I crossed the line and now have to live with it.
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Old 5th November 2017, 1:25 PM   #25
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It's VERY important to me. Unfortunately, my husband is a compulsive liar and he definitely felt the need to lie and conceal his cheatings from me, while continuing to do them on occasion, or at very least engage in the very behaviors that led to his cheatings (i.e., going to bars and strip clubs). All my life I've had people deceive me by hiding stuff from me, because they "didn't want to hurt my feelings," which is utmost insulting and condescending. My mother did this when I was a child, my best friend/cousin did this, my college friends did this, various cheater exes did this to me, I suspect my mother-in-law did this to some extent because she was worried that any divorce would lead to her not seeing her grandkids again (which is total BULL!), etc. It's mortifying and infuriating. I have NO tolerance for it. But it happens.

I think the truth is utmost important. However, sometimes you have to go with your gut and circumstantial evidence, which might go against what you are normally taught to go by, esp if you are a cop, lawyer, teacher, or scientist...since these professions tend to emphasize the need to get documented proof first before making any decisions or handing down consequences or diagnoses. But in cases like this, sometimes you HAVE to go with your gut, in order to save your time, dignity, and sanity. Eventually that's what I did--I assumed he cheated at least once during all of his 48 secret strip club visits, so therefore I treated myself to a fling of my own at the local male revue strip club--and as it turned out, my gut was right the entire time.
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Old 6th November 2017, 11:48 AM   #26
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I did (reach out to the AP). I feel like I never would have gotten the truth if I hadn't. Remember, women are likely to lie about the sex, men are likely to lie about everything else. The AP gave me the real sex details and a near complete fabrication of the "how it happened" and "who pursed who". My wife gave me the opposite, sex details that sound like something from a RomCom and the real "how it happened" story. I never confirmed her "how it happened" with the AP, but my W did eventually confirm the sex details that I got from the AP as accurate/true. It came at a price though, trusting the POSOM over your W puts you in a bad spot; it's almost like you and her AP against her. Not exactly good for healing, that's for sure.

Also, I will say, I "had something" over the AP, something that was very important to him that I did not disclose, so he had very good reason to respond to me and tell me the truth. Had I not had this, I'm not sure I would have gone down this route because the AP has every reason in the world to lie/minimize and make it all the other person's (in this case, your spouse) fault. I also went way beyond "legal/moral" in my quest for electronic data, I'm not happy with myself for this either, some of it was way over the line. It did give me more and let me wring out the last couple of confessions, but, all of this stuff, it comes at a price to the BS. You become, at least I did, a more crappy version of yourself. I spent months after d-day making threats, being a bully, gathering intelligence using illegal methods, and basically just being a POS. It's not like I didn't have justification, but, I crossed the line and now have to live with it.
Yeah, this is the thing. You have to really debase yourself to get the important details if your WS is trickle-truthing and blackmailing an AP would be at that level. In fact, interacting with the OW/M for any reason is debasing.

I believe the people who insist that pushing them to the brink of finality, as in divorce or polygraph, is the only way. I couldn't have done it but if white rage drives you, maybe you can.
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Old 8th November 2017, 6:02 AM   #27
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Yeah, this is the thing. You have to really debase yourself to get the important details if your WS is trickle-truthing and blackmailing an AP would be at that level. In fact, interacting with the OW/M for any reason is debasing.

I believe the people who insist that pushing them to the brink of finality, as in divorce or polygraph, is the only way. I couldn't have done it but if white rage drives you, maybe you can.
I suspect my wife would have agreed to a D to keep from spilling the details. Honestly, I felt my back was against the wall, D or twist the screws on the AP and get the truth, then use that to get the confessions/real story from my W.

Yes, it still bothers me, deeply. When the W tells me things about the A now, often one of my first thoughts is "Better confirm that with the AP". It's soul destroying, the person you should most hate in the world is the person who you can also trust, while the one who vowed to love you is the one who's telling lies.

I will say, if you can't get leverage over the AP, I wouldn't do it. My W's AP is a serial and IMHO, would have either brushed it off entirely (my demands for info), or more likely, told me a story designed to get me to boot the W out so that he could continue the A. Remember, the AP's are interested parties here, they have reason to lie, you have to have a better reason for them to tell you truth and "do the right thing" isn't that reason, they've already proven that's beyond them.
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Old 8th November 2017, 7:06 AM   #28
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In my case

I know already the other person felt used from my nie husband as she was an ex turned friend with benefits and hoped to get closer to him again but he choose to marry me and have a child together ( without letting her know) she found out through social media. I know that when she found out they werent speaking already and she didnt even got back at him to ask for an explanation. I know this because she told me and wh confirmed.
I suspect that sometimes when the AP feels used and hurt and has no intention to go on in the relationship would tell the truth, without the need of threatening then. Which and proofs could be faked easily by the way, with the quantity of digital data involved in affairs nowadays. I dont care much about debasing myself if the other option is spending more years with a person I cant trust. Life is too short and good people deserve honesty and happiness.
Thanks for your replies.

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I suspect my wife would have agreed to a D to keep from spilling the details. Honestly, I felt my back was against the wall, D or twist the screws on the AP and get the truth, then use that to get the confessions/real story from my W.

Yes, it still bothers me, deeply. When the W tells me things about the A now, often one of my first thoughts is "Better confirm that with the AP". It's soul destroying, the person you should most hate in the world is the person who you can also trust, while the one who vowed to love you is the one who's telling lies.

I will say, if you can't get leverage over the AP, I wouldn't do it. My W's AP is a serial and IMHO, would have either brushed it off entirely (my demands for info), or more likely, told me a story designed to get me to boot the W out so that he could continue the A. Remember, the AP's are interested parties here, they have reason to lie, you have to have a better reason for them to tell you truth and "do the right thing" isn't that reason, they've already proven that's beyond them.
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Old 8th November 2017, 10:06 AM   #29
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I know already the other person felt used from my nie husband as she was an ex turned friend with benefits and hoped to get closer to him again but he choose to marry me and have a child together ( without letting her know) she found out through social media. I know that when she found out they werent speaking already and she didnt even got back at him to ask for an explanation. I know this because she told me and wh confirmed.
I suspect that sometimes when the AP feels used and hurt and has no intention to go on in the relationship would tell the truth, without the need of threatening then. Which and proofs could be faked easily by the way, with the quantity of digital data involved in affairs nowadays. I dont care much about debasing myself if the other option is spending more years with a person I cant trust. Life is too short and good people deserve honesty and happiness.
Thanks for your replies.
Well, I've read of a few particularly persuasive BSs who got the AP to trust and confide. But more got the door slammed in their faces, including moi and it's pretty much the final humiliation, ESPECIALLY when the person had a relationship with you first.

But I also know that knowing this is the only other person on earth with the details makes the itch of wanting to know impossible to ignore. Let us know what happens if you do. Just hope you get relief.
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Old 9th November 2017, 5:02 PM   #30
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I needed to know everything but all I got was minimizing & lies. Over the years I've gotten more truths but she's still lying and I know she will never give it all up. For now, I'm still with her and just accept that I'm settling for less than I wanted and deserve.

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And despite how it may sound, I still loved him deeply and was broken-hearted at having hurt him and I wanted to do what I could to make it better.
Quick TJ - How can you - or any WS - say that you still love your BS even though they decided to cheat on him/her? Yeah, I understand that you can form the words and push them out of your mouth - but what do you mean when you say "love"? I doubt very much I would agree with your definition because a person cannot truly love someone and then betray them by infidelity. I can accept that you want to stay married to him for some reason. I can also accept that you are sorry that you hurt him. But love? Come on...

Last edited by drifter777; 9th November 2017 at 5:04 PM..
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