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Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 5th October 2017, 1:22 PM   #1
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Update

Old thread: Recovery Issues

Update:
We are currently still together. My anger regarding the situation has finally gotten to the point where I can control it and not discuss it. I feel like I'm only doing this to make life easier, and so the kids don't witness any arguments.

I ran into and confronted the guy a while back. I had to assure him that I wasn't going to hurt him. He acted like a little bitch the whole time. Called me "sir". He blamed everything on her, and took zero responsibility for anything - not that I place the blame on him. I hold her 100% accountable. But, he lied about things that I knew were true to make himself look better. I didn't call him out. I just let him tell his version of the story. I asked him if he liked her, if he wanted her, or if he was just messing with her. Sheepishly, he told me the latter, but it's not like I needed any confirmation of that.

This is the guy my wife thought was such a great person. When confronted, he takes zero responsibility and blames her. I'd at least have respected him if he could look me in the eye, own what happened, and not be a coward - but, he couldn't. He lied to me, sold my wife out, and tried to save his own ass. He then told me about how he's been cheated on by multiple women, and said that he respects marriages and relationships (seriously?). At this point, I'm just looking at him, and realize that he just doesn't get it. He really is that stupid. I'm kind of mad at myself for letting him off the hook so easy, but that little bitch wasn't worth anything else.

I just don't look at her the same way anymore. There's nothing special about her to me. I feel like I finally understand the whole situation, and it makes her pathetic in my eyes. All of this for some sleazy little loser that didn't even like her. Some little loser that's been cheated on multiple times, and felt the need to do it to someone else so he could feel like a big man.

The one main hurdle for me, is that since he didn't really like or want her, I have no idea what she would have done if he made a play for her. That's the thing that keeps me up some nights. She was way lost in limerence, and I don't know with any certainty what she would have done if the situation was different.

Outside of biological urges, I've realized I don't have feelings for her anymore. She's just the mother of my children. She's selfish, immature, and naive. The thought of not being with my children every day kills me, but the thought of spending the next 18 years with her is equally agonizing. Rock meet hard place.
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Old 5th October 2017, 1:28 PM   #2
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Divorce seems like the best option. She deserves to find someone who does feel she is special. We all sin in different ways. Let her find someone who will love and adore her despite her flawed past.
I wouldn't have my daughter if the lady who gave her up for adoption wouldn't have become pregnant from an affair. Her mistake is my biggest joy in my life. There are some amazing things that come from some terrible times.
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Old 5th October 2017, 1:49 PM   #3
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You will never get over this.

Did you DNA your last child?

She threw you away for the guy that did not care for her, because she thought he was better looking.

You will get older.

You had the D ready. Go ahead and file now. She is still not remorseful. she still thinks about the other guy.

What has she done to be a safe partner?

How would she feel if you had an A?

No problem? I think you had your answer when you separated.

You were fine. Plenty of fish in the sea.

This is a deal breaker for you.

Life is too short to waste on your wife who kept wanting some other man and told you to your face.

She was in contact with him while you were separated. She is still lying to you.

get out of infidelity. File for D. If she wants you now, she can date you, along with several others.
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:00 PM   #4
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
Divorce seems like the best option. She deserves to find someone who does feel she is special. We all sin in different ways. Let her find someone who will love and adore her despite her flawed past.
I wouldn't have my daughter if the lady who gave her up for adoption wouldn't have become pregnant from an affair. Her mistake is my biggest joy in my life. There are some amazing things that come from some terrible times.
This is not his problem or fault. It's the cheater's problem. And as for this OM...he's a slimy coward who is too much of a child to own his actions.
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:29 PM   #5
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Luna,
Have you told your wife the way your feeling. Have you told her how you feel that since her lover is the one that rejected her you feel she is just there because your a safe plan B. If you have what is she saying? What is she doing to back up what she is saying? Have you checked yourself into counceling? There is nothing wrong with having someone to bounce thoughts off of and really checking out what is going on with in you.

I don't know your full story but I am not a fan of reconciling but I try my best not to push my beliefs on people. I fail far more than I am successful but it is what it is. If you really want this marriage to work your going to have to really dig deep and figure out if you can forgive her. If you cant then there is nothing wrong with that. Some of us are just not made that way.

If you cant then be open and honest with her. Try to come up with a reasonable divorce. Do your best to take the high road.

C
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Old 5th October 2017, 2:40 PM   #6
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Nothing wrong with moving on from a cheater, especially one that is not repentant and not too swift like your WW. Don't feel bad about not loving her anymore. She killed that love.
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Old 5th October 2017, 3:47 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by lunarnaut View Post
Old thread: Recovery Issues

Update:
We are currently still together. My anger regarding the situation has finally gotten to the point where I can control it and not discuss it. I feel like I'm only doing this to make life easier, and so the kids don't witness any arguments.

I ran into and confronted the guy a while back. I had to assure him that I wasn't going to hurt him. He acted like a little bitch the whole time. Called me "sir". He blamed everything on her, and took zero responsibility for anything - not that I place the blame on him. I hold her 100% accountable. But, he lied about things that I knew were true to make himself look better. I didn't call him out. I just let him tell his version of the story. I asked him if he liked her, if he wanted her, or if he was just messing with her. Sheepishly, he told me the latter, but it's not like I needed any confirmation of that.

This is the guy my wife thought was such a great person. When confronted, he takes zero responsibility and blames her. I'd at least have respected him if he could look me in the eye, own what happened, and not be a coward - but, he couldn't. He lied to me, sold my wife out, and tried to save his own ass. He then told me about how he's been cheated on by multiple women, and said that he respects marriages and relationships (seriously?). At this point, I'm just looking at him, and realize that he just doesn't get it. He really is that stupid. I'm kind of mad at myself for letting him off the hook so easy, but that little bitch wasn't worth anything else.

I just don't look at her the same way anymore. There's nothing special about her to me. I feel like I finally understand the whole situation, and it makes her pathetic in my eyes. All of this for some sleazy little loser that didn't even like her. Some little loser that's been cheated on multiple times, and felt the need to do it to someone else so he could feel like a big man.

The one main hurdle for me, is that since he didn't really like or want her, I have no idea what she would have done if he made a play for her. That's the thing that keeps me up some nights. She was way lost in limerence, and I don't know with any certainty what she would have done if the situation was different.

Outside of biological urges, I've realized I don't have feelings for her anymore. She's just the mother of my children. She's selfish, immature, and naive. The thought of not being with my children every day kills me, but the thought of spending the next 18 years with her is equally agonizing. Rock meet hard place.
#1- I also confronted the OM and told him that I knew most of the truth and there are parts that he needs to fill in. Some questions are a test of his truthfulness and others I don't know the answers to. If I caught him lying I told him his wife will find out and I will expose with the evidence I had and he knew I had it. It was not deniable. While I am sure there were parts he left out, I did learn a treasure trove of info with that approach. If you want to know more, use this approach with the OM. Feel free to inconvenience him all you want. In fact, even thought the OM is 6-5 and about 370 I called him my b**** many times and took control. He was scared that someone half his size was so fearless.


#2- A year and a half later I feel like I lost respect for myself for not launching her then like I feel I should have. However, at the time I was afraid of hurting the kids without giving R a shot. Its a double edged sword. I think my WW feels she survived this. I think she will be shocked to see another thing coming. Had we not had 2 young boys, she would have been dumped immediately. That I always felt.
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Old 5th October 2017, 3:49 PM   #8
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Originally Posted by Ahurtgirl View Post
Divorce seems like the best option. She deserves to find someone who does feel she is special. We all sin in different ways. Let her find someone who will love and adore her despite her flawed past.
I wouldn't have my daughter if the lady who gave her up for adoption wouldn't have become pregnant from an affair. Her mistake is my biggest joy in my life. There are some amazing things that come from some terrible times.

You are clearly trolling and that has been your MO.
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Old 5th October 2017, 4:47 PM   #9
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I agree with AHG.

Everyone deserves to be adored by their spouse. Divorce is the best option here.

Lunar, we've had people here that did the same thing as you, only to make it maybe 10-15 years and then decide enough is enough and bail. They all regretted staying for even one day.

Your kids will still thrive no matter what as long as they're loved by both parents.
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Old 5th October 2017, 5:21 PM   #10
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Making excuses to stay because you can't pull the trigger won't help you much.
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:04 AM   #11
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Totally agree here...

Quote:
Originally Posted by GoldenR View Post
I agree with AHG.

Everyone deserves to be adored by their spouse. Divorce is the best option here.

Lunar, we've had people here that did the same thing as you, only to make it maybe 10-15 years and then decide enough is enough and bail. They all regretted staying for even one day.

Your kids will still thrive no matter what as long as they're loved by both parents.
Totally agree here...

I have never, ever had one person say that regretted pulling the trigger in these situations, ever.

For me, I was a fool to stay as long a I did. I have a hard time getting over that, I think about all the years I wasted and I feel like a moron.

For Luna, if they were local, are you saying that they did not sleep together? I actually find that super hard to believe that they did not.

I agree with the others that it is time to bail and start a new life...
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Old 6th October 2017, 8:15 AM   #12
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Originally Posted by GoldenR View Post
I agree with AHG.

Everyone deserves to be adored by their spouse. Divorce is the best option here.

Lunar, we've had people here that did the same thing as you, only to make it maybe 10-15 years and then decide enough is enough and bail. They all regretted staying for even one day.

Your kids will still thrive no matter what as long as they're loved by both parents.
Yep...and rule number 1 in adoring is DON'T sleep with some interloper!
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:21 AM   #13
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Originally Posted by Clay View Post
Luna,
Have you told your wife the way your feeling. Have you told her how you feel that since her lover is the one that rejected her you feel she is just there because your a safe plan B. If you have what is she saying? What is she doing to back up what she is saying? Have you checked yourself into counceling? There is nothing wrong with having someone to bounce thoughts off of and really checking out what is going on with in you.

If you really want this marriage to work your going to have to really dig deep and figure out if you can forgive her. If you cant then there is nothing wrong with that. Some of us are just not made that way.

If you cant then be open and honest with her. Try to come up with a reasonable divorce. Do your best to take the high road.

C
Yes, I've told her I feel this way. She doesn't seem to understand it. I feel like she lacks the ability to see things from another perspective.

I've realized I only want this marriage to work for the children. Or, so I can be in their lives 100% of the time, and so douchebags like this won't enter the picture. I could have forgiven her if there wasn't months of staying in some bull**** fantasy and all the lies that she told while swearing on our children's lives.
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:27 AM   #14
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#1- I also confronted the OM and told him that I knew most of the truth and there are parts that he needs to fill in. Some questions are a test of his truthfulness and others I don't know the answers to. If I caught him lying I told him his wife will find out and I will expose with the evidence I had and he knew I had it. It was not deniable. While I am sure there were parts he left out, I did learn a treasure trove of info with that approach. If you want to know more, use this approach with the OM. Feel free to inconvenience him all you want. In fact, even thought the OM is 6-5 and about 370 I called him my b**** many times and took control. He was scared that someone half his size was so fearless.


#2- A year and a half later I feel like I lost respect for myself for not launching her then like I feel I should have. However, at the time I was afraid of hurting the kids without giving R a shot. Its a double edged sword. I think my WW feels she survived this. I think she will be shocked to see another thing coming. Had we not had 2 young boys, she would have been dumped immediately. That I always felt.
I really don't want to have any contact with that guy again. I saw him one time after I spoke with him, and he bolted the other direction. I keep thinking to myself, if this guy really liked her, and was genuinely interested in her, these are not the actions one would take. These are the actions of a lying coward who got caught with his hand in the cookie jar. I wouldn't believe anything he said anyways.

Yes, I've lost respect for myself for staying with her. Sometimes it's hard to look at myself in the mirror in the morning. Meanwhile, she acts like nothing is wrong, and everything is just fine. And yes, if we didn't have children, she would have been out the door in the first few weeks following D-Day 1.
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Old 6th October 2017, 11:30 AM   #15
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Lunar, we've had people here that did the same thing as you, only to make it maybe 10-15 years and then decide enough is enough and bail. They all regretted staying for even one day.
That's my greatest fear. That I'll regret the hell out of staying. My dad told me he regretting staying in his first marriage for as long as he did, but he did it for the children.
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