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A year of personal growth with a twist


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 19th October 2017, 7:02 AM   #16
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Let me break this down for you.

Your father died, your partners response was to selfishly betray you by having an affair. He then left you for his AP, thinking the grass was greener, but that ended about 3 months later. He kept in touch with you in order to keep you warm on the back burner, just in case. After some months passed, he realized that he's a hot mess and not exactly sought after on the dating scene, so now he wants to ramp up contact and weasel his way back into your life.

Personally, I'd wish him well and then block all contact. Not your circus, not your monkey.
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Old 1st November 2017, 6:33 AM   #17
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There is never only one side.

Having an Affair was all him. He picked the most destructive, then most soul mutilating thing he could have, to try and resolve issues.

I do not blame myself for this. I read once that the choice to have an affair does not rest with the betrayed partner. It has nothing to do with them in the choice made. there are people who are treated badly for years and they do not consider that an option. So I have no self-blame there.

I do feel sorrow for the state of our relationship just before dad died. He was changing, His life threatening cancer scare, surgery and recovery had made him question his life, his choices and he felt grief and pain over my dads death.

This would have been the time to recheck the relationship status. to re-explore each other and re-focus. everyone is a completely different person every 5 years. I would have done things differently now.

But I have to accept the facts as unchangeable and appreciate that what I have gone though can destroy me or cause growth. and the choice is mine.

I appreciate myself and give myself affection and allow myself to grieve. Strange but the hurt is much much less than when he first left a year ago.

I guess whether you sleep with an affair partner or not, walking out of a relationship is a betrayal. Its all one really at the root of it.

I have met him again once,
We have had several phone conversations. All him. I am single and I am done with the chasing, the dull witted passivity that was me trying to please the unpleasable that was the months at the end of our relationship.

Sometimes its like he never left. we could always talk for hours. He answers honestly questions about the affair. He told me she texted and he has ignored it. He is deeply ashamed. So he says.

I am very cautious and am treating him with faintly distant respect. He will have to earn his place in my life. And his place may be ex-that - i-never -contact. Im not sure yet. I have realised that without knowing the technique i have been following Michelle wiener Davis' 180. I have gotten on with my life, tried to enrich myself and realised that since my happiness was my responsibility.... then I was going to work towards being happy.

Last edited by mickan; 1st November 2017 at 6:40 AM..
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Old 1st November 2017, 10:11 AM   #18
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Of all the different, normal reactions to what has happened to you, anger is the one that's missing for me when I read your posts. Maybe it takes time because of the PTSD but it's a healthy and necessary response when someone you trusted has betrayed you on such a deep level. You've got a lot of objectivity and are able to read and apply some patterns to your situation, but in my experience and observations you don't really start healing and getting closure until you've embraced the outrage that is a true victim's right. You're taking control of your life in many ways, but I suggest you read some of these posts again and let yourself embrace the injustice, disrespect, indignity and colossal indifference this great friend heaped on you when you needed him most. Anger is the normal reaction to betrayal in my opinion and replaces the paralysis of PTSD.

You've done a great job of validating yourself and redefining your life and what's important to you. I suggest you go this extra step and put your ex-partner's betrayal in its full context by looking for and allowing yourself to feel the indignation and fury that are your due.

It may help you deal more resolutely with his pleas to be allowed back into your life.
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:27 PM   #19
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Thank you merrmeade

I know that many come here to grieve and vent in times of the hot white heat of fresh betrayal. The wound is raw. I know I read many posts over time and reading other feelings made me feel I was not alone in mine.

The anger and despair I felt a year ago when he left burned me and sometimes I was incandescent with rage. I wrote it all down, I have journaled my pain. its would help and then it would rise up and I fought it for a long time.

I would think of the most vicious things I could say. If you know someone well there is always a lever to pull, a tender place only you know of, to twist the knife. For most of 12 months this was me. I would long to send texts, abusive emails.

But I could not. I was afraid his mental health would deteriorate. How could I do that, even to a man I hated? I did not hate him. Also I could not do that to myself. I refused to follow the stereotype of crazy ex girlfriend. I have more self pride than that. I have a friend that was going thru a vicious divorce. I did not want that to be my behaviour....

So I would write in private and sometimes I would send texts... to myself! and then I would see them as if they were from someone else and be glad I had not sent them.

The price of him leaving was .....I had left. He no longer had me in his life. I do not give what is not wanted.

But i disagree with you. Anger is not a victims right. it is a victims lot. In life there is suffering but we do not abandon life. We embrace it and learn from it or continue to suffer untill we meet the same lesson again.

I read that we can be Victims or we can be Victors with shrapnel. I like that. I still have anger but I can embrace it. I can welcome it in like a child and hold it now as part of me. Before it would consume me and I would shake and vomit. I would like to thank Thich Nhat Hahn for helping me.

“When anger comes up in us, we should begin to practice mindful breathing right away: “Breathing in, I know that anger is in me. Breathing out, I am taking good care of my anger.” We behave exactly like a mother: “Breathing in, I know that my child is crying. Breathing out, I will take good care of my child.” This is the practice of compassion.”
― Thich Nhat Hanh, Anger

I now have compassion for myself and Him as a remorseful man who is sorry for , but cannot erase his actions or its consequences on both of us.

I still feel indignation. I still feel fury and I am only now, after a year, aware of the full depths of his actions. However after a year of work the waves of anger are not as deep and I know if i hold on and be still they will pass and there will be clarity again. Until the next one.

Dealing resolutely with his pleas. That is a different issue.
I honestly do not know what he wants. I don't know what I want However we have committed to honesty in communication. We are dealing with questions and events we have ignored for too long. I do not know the outcome and have no expectations but at this moment the feeling i get is to move slowly and live in the present and let life unfold without haste, at its own pace.
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Last edited by mickan; 1st November 2017 at 11:32 PM..
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Old 1st November 2017, 11:41 PM   #20
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VERY thoughtfully conceived and rendered. Thank you for filling in those gaps.

But I realize I have one more question: Why are you still keeping him in your life?

I'm sorry if I should know and am being lazy by asking again, but are you and (ex-?) SO still separated or rather living in separate homes right now?

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 2nd November 2017 at 1:49 AM.. Reason: Redact full quote of preceding post
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Old 2nd November 2017, 12:19 AM   #21
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Separate homes. Separate lives. I had not seen him or talked to him for a year. when He left I broke it clean and did not go anywhere near his life or suburb. We are not separated. We are not anything. We were never married.

Why did I say yes to see him after this time?
He is a human in pain and wanted my presence to tell me something important to him.

On the surface it is that simple. I never dreamed it would be about an affair.

why do I want to keep this man in my life?
This question is about timing. And duration.

I don't know. I only know that now my time with this man is like sitting in a concert hall, the approaching ending of an unknown musical score. The pause.

there may be the final chords .... and I will know when I hear them. The lights will come on in my head and I will leave the theatre. I trust myself in this.

Or there may be a bridge to a new movement. Part next of a sonata.

I don't know which I am hoping for, but I know that the musical score must end or continue to a new movement.

I will not stay to hear the same music again. I don't like the tune. I do like the musician.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 12:25 AM   #22
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Yes - I see codependency in you. You can work on that though.

As I read your first post I literally said out loud after the first few paragraphs - he's cheating.


There's rally no healthy reason to keep going back to him by communicating. It's drags you back.

He's a cheater. He is only remorseful now because he wants you back.


Given your growth - I tend to get the idea you've outgrown him.

Best to keep moving forward! ... but in doing so stop looking backward.

Tell him no contact... draw that line in the sand for YOUR future happiness.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 1:11 AM   #23
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Quote:
Originally Posted by S2B View Post
Yes - I see codependency in you. You can work on that though.

As I read your first post I literally said out loud after the first few paragraphs - he's cheating.


There's rally no healthy reason to keep going back to him by communicating. It's drags you back.

He's a cheater. He is only remorseful now because he wants you back.


Given your growth - I tend to get the idea you've outgrown him.

Best to keep moving forward! ... but in doing so stop looking backward.

Tell him no contact... draw that line in the sand for YOUR future happiness.
This is not too harsh or unrealistic. It's just succinct.

I'm afraid you are TOO kind, mickan. I mean that quite literally because - LIKE ALL OF US - you relate to this man in the same way as you did before—the same assumption that he means what he says he means and says what he means. But now you know he did not. You know that he was capable of colossal indifference in your time of suffering.

And his confession... Think about it. What is he really suffering from other than his own shame? It's not about you.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 1:47 AM   #24
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I agree with Merm - he wasn't thinking of you when you were sad and suffering with grief - he was out having an affair!

And now YOU'RE still concerned about him more than yourself. Just stop it!

He's a grown man and he can care for himself. Stop worrying about him - he wasn't worrying about YOU when he SHOULD have been!

He's selfish and self centered! You don't need that!

You need a man who cares so deeply for you that they will lift you up when you're down. Who will have your back instead of betraying you!

Stop being so loyal to a man who never showed with actions that he loved you.

This man needs to go so you can move forward and find a guy who is worthy of all this niceness that you have to offer.
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Old 2nd November 2017, 8:48 AM   #25
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Op,
I have a spouse who coped with mental illness ( combat related PTSD) and one thing I learned is that one can't be responsible for someone elses mental health.

I know this may sound kind of strange to say, but your kindness to him may actually be doing him harm. It's keeping hope alive in him, when it sounds very much like there isn't that big of a chnace of the two of you getting back together.

There is a poster on here who ended up getting back together with his ww after being divorced ( i think) . Hopefully, they will be able to offer you some insight.
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