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What is the best method for finding out?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 21st September 2017, 12:38 PM   #46
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Originally Posted by d0nnivain View Post
Send her a friend request introducing yourself as his wife. She may just be a business contact he met along the way. Don't call a divorce lawyer just yet but do keep your eyes open.

I've friended people after a glass or two of wine then deleted them days later.

Which would be extremely embarrassing if this woman is just a business contact. OP will come across as the crazy wife monitoring her husband's every move.
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Old 21st September 2017, 12:50 PM   #47
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Even though I'm the one who suggested business contact only, I doubt that is the case. Business contacts go in Linked In, not FB. So I think the spouse can send the friend request without coming off as kookie & controlling. Although asking the husband about her 1st is the best bet.

Early on in our marriage DH met a work colleague from a different location. I met her & she was very deferential to me. DH was clearly smitten & I was not happy. The woman did a lot to reassure me. DH made me crazy. We had our 1st, worst & to date only marital blow out over this. When I later friended the woman on FB, DH unfollowed me & more drama ensued.

There is something to be said for setting territorial boundaries.
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Old 21st September 2017, 12:53 PM   #48
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Early on in our marriage DH met a work colleague from a different location. I met her & she was very deferential to me. DH was clearly smitten & I was not happy. The woman did a lot to reassure me. DH made me crazy. We had our 1st, worst & to date only marital blow out over this. When I later friended the woman on FB, DH unfollowed me & more drama ensued.

There is something to be said for setting territorial boundaries.

hahaha, but you marked your territory with him, not with her.
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Old 21st September 2017, 1:22 PM   #49
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hahaha, but you marked your territory with him, not with her.

DH & her were friends on FB first. When I saw that I sent her a friend request which she accepted. When DH realized she & I were friends that's when he got mad at me.

She has since married. DH & her are still FB friends. She & I are not "friends". The four of us did got out for drinks the last time DH & I were in Seattle, the other side of the country so I have learned to calm down about her.

Back to the OP: Cally1975 do not do anything to make yourself look like the crazy wife but do keep a close eye on this.
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Old 21st September 2017, 2:45 PM   #50
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It is safe to say she isn't a business contact. Considering this is construction and in viewing her profile she is a dental assistant.
I guess was just trying to put myself in the same scenario as my husband. If I was out drinking without my spouse and randomly started talking to a single man. I would have had to at least talk for a bit to get a full name. Because he obviously knew her first and last name to search her on facebook.
He signed into facebook before on my phone. I don't think he knows I can go on his to be honest. I am an open book always have been. He knows my password for everything. He has always been kind of secretive about that kind of stuff. He blames it on a snooping mom his whole life that drove him crazy.
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Old 21st September 2017, 3:01 PM   #51
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Check his credit card bill and see if he maybe flew her in. I will tell you that it is very common for guys on business trips to be partying and cheating. Lots of times, depending if they're the client someone is trying to get in good with, people will actually provide women. I would say it's fairly common. But check his credit cards bills.
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Old 21st September 2017, 3:03 PM   #52
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I think he's just some random woman he met who seemed fun in the moment. No cheating. Just send her a friend request. She'll probably bow out of both your lives.
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Old 21st September 2017, 3:06 PM   #53
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Just to add to this. I hate to be over jealous etc. But about a year into our dating relationship he friended this girl he worked with. He was her boss so made it even more inappropriate. We both had our own houses but had keys to each others houses.
So one weekend when i was staying with him I went to his house to get his laundry done and clean the house for him I had used his laptop to do some work related things. Well, I noticed his e-mail was left open. I seen on the screen where he sent quite a few e-mails to himself. I clicked on one and it was a picture he sent to himself from a text. It was like 5 to 10 pictures this girl sent him. It wasn't nudes or anything. But one picture was provacative in a Halloween costume.
This really bothered me! So later that night when he was sleeping I snooped in his phone because I heard his phone go off at like 12 in the morning. It was her and she simply said Hi what you doing? Well, in snooping I seen he had been texting with her quite a bit. And sending pictures of himself to. Like out of the ordinary pictures, him in a stocking hat sticking his tongue out with his tongue ring in. He never wears a tongue ring as he was management.
I seen messages where they were going to meet up and hang out but it never happened. She was also in a relationship and was nervous about it.
I confronted him. He apologized and said he never did anything sexual. I told him regardless it's inappropriate. We worked past it and I did forgive him.
But as hard as we try and forgive and then forget. Well, I guess the forget is always there. So yes he has shown before in my heart that he is capable of possibly cheating. That was like 7 years ago when that happened.
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Old 21st September 2017, 4:08 PM   #54
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Just an update...
I did confront him by phone as he is still away. I told him I seen on my news feed that he became friends with someone who was visiting the same town he is in. He said I am not friends with that person. He told me he had no idea what I was talking about. Then when i went and looked he wasn't any longer friends with her.
So I told him well sorry if that's jumping to conclusions. I seen on my feed that you became friends with someone traveling to your same location. Then seen where you searched for her using your phone. To have a husband traveling in a town where nobody knows you, drinking, and a hotel room at your finger tips it bothered me.
His response was......Nothing like that would happen. So I don't have to worry about that.
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Old 21st September 2017, 4:25 PM   #55
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He thought she was fun in the moment; then thought better of it in the light of day.

Do remain vigilant but power down for now.
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Old 21st September 2017, 4:55 PM   #56
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You would have hated being my wife. I spent about 90 days traveling on business 90% was overseas where I could cheat with confidence that my wife would never find out. Yet I did not. I travelled with women who wanted to have sex with me Wives who got lonely after two months overseas and drank too much. Instead I went to my room and called my wife every night. I traveled with women that were fun to hang out with without any problem.

These days it seems that friending someone on Facebook mean a lot. I friend anyone who asks. I have even friended old girlfriends and my ex fiancÚ. I would not think a married man would friend someone he is having sex with. They would just email or talk on the phone to make it more private.

In the absence of any other information, give him the benefit of the doubt. I have always felt that if you love someone, let them go. If they come back they are yours, if not, they were never yours to begin with. If he is going to cheat, whether your worry about it or not, it will happen. Friending someone is well below blowing a kiss on the sexual list.
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Last edited by Steve51; 21st September 2017 at 4:58 PM..
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Old 21st September 2017, 5:06 PM   #57
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That is awesome you sound like a very stand up guy!!!
I am going to give the benefit of doubt but remain alert.
To me it was more of maybe a drunk moment in friending her. ( I know how hubby gets when drinking, not good) But then realized it after he woke up and deleted it.
I am hoping it was nothing more. The thing that's bothering me is how he lied right away. Saying I am not friends with that person. Yes, he was. And I have no idea who this person is. Well, how did you know her name to search her.
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Old 21st September 2017, 5:12 PM   #58
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You know, committed relationships became so. much. better. since the advent of Social Media. Said NO ONE EVER.

You were right to call your husband out on it OP. I am glad that he deleted her off of his FB in the meanwhile.


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Originally Posted by Cally1975 View Post
That is awesome you sound like a very stand up guy!!!
I am going to give the benefit of doubt but remain alert.
To me it was more of maybe a drunk moment in friending her. ( I know how hubby gets when drinking, not good) But then realized it after he woke up and deleted it.
I am hoping it was nothing more. The thing that's bothering me is how he lied right away. Saying I am not friends with that person. Yes, he was. And I have no idea who this person is. Well, how did you know her name to search her.
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Old 1st October 2017, 9:45 PM   #59
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What is the best method for finding out?

I have this gut feeling my husband isn't being faithful. Let me list some reasons...
1. He uses his debit card for EVERYTHING. Lately he pulls out cash. Like 300.00 last week. Plus uses his debit card for everything else. When asked why he pulls cash out and then uses debit card for everything he flipped out and refused to answer. Flat out refused. It seemed odd to me for a married man to have a spending budget of like 500.00 a week.
2. He guards his cell phone at all times. Bathroom, shower, sleeping it goes under his pillow. If he is in the middle of charging his phone and goes out to do yardwork he unplugs it and plugs it in the outside outlet in plain sight. If he is ever showing me something on his phone and I hold it to look closer he stands right over me
3. He changed all passwords to his phone, e-mail etc.
4. He travels out of town a lot this past 6 months and the phone calls home have been less.
5. He never seems to want to go do things together this past 6 months. It's like he just wants to stay home.
6. When asked why he seems so crabby all the time he says he is in a funk and don't know why.

My one and only thing I can get into is his facebook. He had signed into his from my phone before. Last week he was out of town at a company meeting for an over night trip. Some gut feeling told me to look at his facebook. I think because I knew he was drinking. Well, he was searching this girl's name. This girl lives 3 states over but was visiting the same town my husband was in that same night. I knew that from a post she made. Then I seen he became friend with her. I confronted him on it amd he denied it like I was crazy!! He said I am not friends with that person. I have no idea who that person is. I would never search for her I don't even know her.
He has done things before that has made me question his honesty with me. But he is VERY confrontational and denies everything or brushes it off like I am crazy.
How can you concretely find out proof? When he hides his phone. Won't answer financial questions. And makes you feel as if your crazy.
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Old 1st October 2017, 10:13 PM   #60
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Do you have access to the online banking? Debit purchases show up there...

Charging your phone on an outside outlet is a bit much. Never heard of doing that.

Guarding the phone is a really big red flag, as it suddenly taking out large amounts of cash. Could be an affair, gambling, or drugs....???
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