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What is the best method for finding out?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 26th May 2017, 8:22 PM   #31
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Originally Posted by jenkins95 View Post
I really hope unforeseen is right.

What seems most likely? That he got scammed for $500 and is too embarrassed to tell you, or that he is having an affair?

Sadly, I think the latter is more likely. But we are strangers on the internet, we don't know him, we are only going on these words. You are the one that knows him. Do you think he's capable of an affair? Has your marriage always been brilliant?

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been married and do you have children? Have you had marriage difficulties? Have there recently been changes to his personality over and above your suspicions from this recent trip?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but the fuller the picture we have, the better we'll be able to understand and advise.

Hang in there (((Cally))) and keep posting.

I wouldn't see him getting scammed. He is pretty head smart. Plus he is out of town where he don't really know anyone. According to him when I talk to him when he is away he goes to work then back to the hotel. He said he hadn't went anywhere only to eat a couple times.

We have been married 10 years. We have 2 children.
When dating I had found out he was getting friendly in nature with a coworker from someone I knew that also worked there. That's back when he used the same password that I knew. So I checked his email and phone. On his email he sent some pictures she had sent to his phone. Not nudes but regular pictures. On his phone he had sent her pictures of him also. There was talk of possibly coming over but it never happened. She said she didn't want her boyfriend to find out. Bottom line it was way friendlier then it should have been. He was a manager and she was a worker. But no sex happened. But I was really upset. He begged me to forgive him. He said he was just being stupid. I chose to forgive.
One other bump in the road was about 4 years ago I noticed on our annuity statement 3,000 was taken out. I questioned him and he told me it must be a mistake. I called and the company showed me the statement where he took it out. He got very angry and defensive and finally admitted that he used to gamble on football games. I told him then I didn't want to be with someone who would lose everything we had on gambling. He said he was sorry and would never do it again.
I originally thought maybe gambling. But there is no casinos or gambling places around him at all. The closest place is 4 hours away.
Any other changes that I have noticed........ He doesn't have much of a sex drive. He never cuddles. Never compliments. Like we could have such a nice night out with dinner and a show and we go to bed and he rolls over and goes to sleep.

The one other horrifying thing I discovered like 3 years ago and just can't bring myself to ask him. I was checking history on the computer trying to remember a site I was on for a part I needed to order. Well him and I both used this computer. The history showed a lot of porn. Not just regular porn but tranny porn. Looked like beautiful women but with not a woman's part below. He doesn't show any signs what so ever that he is gay.
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Old 26th May 2017, 9:32 PM   #32
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Originally Posted by Cally1975 View Post
I wouldn't see him getting scammed. He is pretty head smart. Plus he is out of town where he don't really know anyone. According to him when I talk to him when he is away he goes to work then back to the hotel. He said he hadn't went anywhere only to eat a couple times.

We have been married 10 years. We have 2 children.
When dating I had found out he was getting friendly in nature with a coworker from someone I knew that also worked there. That's back when he used the same password that I knew. So I checked his email and phone. On his email he sent some pictures she had sent to his phone. Not nudes but regular pictures. On his phone he had sent her pictures of him also. There was talk of possibly coming over but it never happened. She said she didn't want her boyfriend to find out. Bottom line it was way friendlier then it should have been. He was a manager and she was a worker. But no sex happened. But I was really upset. He begged me to forgive him. He said he was just being stupid. I chose to forgive.
One other bump in the road was about 4 years ago I noticed on our annuity statement 3,000 was taken out. I questioned him and he told me it must be a mistake. I called and the company showed me the statement where he took it out. He got very angry and defensive and finally admitted that he used to gamble on football games. I told him then I didn't want to be with someone who would lose everything we had on gambling. He said he was sorry and would never do it again.
I originally thought maybe gambling. But there is no casinos or gambling places around him at all. The closest place is 4 hours away.
Any other changes that I have noticed........ He doesn't have much of a sex drive. He never cuddles. Never compliments. Like we could have such a nice night out with dinner and a show and we go to bed and he rolls over and goes to sleep.

The one other horrifying thing I discovered like 3 years ago and just can't bring myself to ask him. I was checking history on the computer trying to remember a site I was on for a part I needed to order. Well him and I both used this computer. The history showed a lot of porn. Not just regular porn but tranny porn. Looked like beautiful women but with not a woman's part below. He doesn't show any signs what so ever that he is gay.
Based on your husband's past behavior, I wouldn't be surprised if he is either having an affair or he's gambling again. There may also be some sexual orientation issues that he is not telling you. Your husband has shown that he is not an honest person more than once so he doesn't deserve complete trust from you. I think that you have been far too forgiving and that's why your husband thinks that he can do whatever he wants.
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Old 26th May 2017, 11:35 PM   #33
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Wow this has progressed quickly from my husband is defensive to he has a gambling problem and he has cheated.


Sometimes I find myself scratching my head especially when schools out for summer
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Old 28th May 2017, 6:55 PM   #34
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Originally Posted by Cally1975 View Post
One thing I have noticed is the second time he went out of town he spontaneously gave me like a couple hundred dollars to go shopping or get hair done or what ever I wanted. It's like he was bending over backwards to do all these nice random things. Which I know is a good thing and I don't expect it. I thought maybe he was feeling guilty because he is away so much lately.
I haven't noticed any ways I treat him different. I really love him. So I try really hard to be a good wife. Like packing for him. Unpacking when he gets home. I made a trip down there to see him for a couple days even though I hate to drive long trips. I send him I love you texts. I buy him snacks and drinks to take on the road with him. Sorry if it's TMI LOL But I have sent him some very sexy pictures and told him I couldn't wait until he gets home.
It is a strain that he is away so much. But I don't want to make him feel guilty for working. So I have been supportive.
When a man cheats, that is something inside him. It does not say anything about the quality of the wife he is cheating on. Men cheat for an ego boost or validation, which is a self-esteem problem usually, for variety sex, to feel young again, to feel like one of the boys, to have some prostitute pump them up and tell them they deserve better because they are super handsome and amazing and they are paying for lies and a bj, basically.

Look at Tiger Woods. Most beautiful wife and mother any man could have, 10 times more attractive than him, but he himself later had a news conference to discuss his self-esteem issues and how he sought validation from these 12 or however many women it was, none of whom was even as attractive as his wife. So it's not to do with you if your man has cheated. You are who you are and you do that best you can do, but if he's got a deficit, that's on him. You're a wife, not a prostitute who's paid to be his sex servant and flatter his ego, and you don't have to sacrifice your standards or boundaries to go out on a limb for his whims, and you're not his mother who's going to always agree with him. So don't let him start gaslighting you and making this your fault. And he will. I see it all the time right here on LS, guys blaming their wives for them cheating. Guys who never would have married them if they HAD acted like a porn start when they met.
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Old 28th May 2017, 7:52 PM   #35
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Originally Posted by preraph View Post
When a man cheats, that is something inside him. It does not say anything about the quality of the wife he is cheating on.
It says a little something about the value he puts on that wife, which may, but does not necessarily, indirectly say something about the quality of the wife.

It's pretty universally acknowledged that OP's husband is doing something a little shady. It might have something to do with her, it might have nothing to do with her. We'll never know until she gets to the bottom of it.

Last edited by LoveShack.org Moderator; 31st May 2017 at 6:52 AM.. Reason: off topic ~T
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Old 30th May 2017, 2:22 PM   #36
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If I asked my husband about an odd withdrawal, and he responding by threatening to leave, I would not let it drop. If he told me I know where the door is if I don't trust him, I would not let it drop. Basically, he put a $500 price tag on the marriage. To threaten to leave over being honest about what he did with $500 is NOT the sign of a healthy marriage. JMHO

If he has nothing to hide then why would he threaten to leave when asked a simple question (and "Why did you withdrawal $500?" is a simple question)? Why would he tell her she should leave if she doesn't trust him (when she has been given multiple reasons over the years not to)? Then, to add to his questionable actions, he is handing over money unexpectedly before he leaves again. His actions scream guilt/deception. As for what he is guilty of, it could be any number of things.

Is is possible he loaned/gave the money to someone you would not have approved of him helping out (ie: the woman he was emailing, a friend who gambles, etc)?

As for the porn he looks at: many men look at porn that they know they will never experience in reality. Looking at tranny porn doesn't necessarily mean he wants to be with a transsexual, but it could be a curious fascination of something he finds taboo, and likely has nothing to do with his sexuality. Taboos tend to be more exciting than viewing what they can experience in reality. It's why the porn industry is so varied and is a multi billion dollar industry. It takes all kinds, so to speak.

Have you considered making an appointment with a therapist or, if you are religious, a clergyman? Your husband isn't answering the questions you have, and finding the solution online may not be in your best interests. As helpful as this site, and others, may be, talking to a trusted friend, or a professional, who you can be totally open and honest with may prove to be more beneficial.

Or, you could learn how to catch him in a possible affair by looking through your cell phone bill for strange numbers, put a voice recorder in his car, learn to snoop through every aspect of his life, and so on. Which would work better for you?
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Old 30th May 2017, 5:34 PM   #37
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It doesn't look good at all. As many here have said, he's defensive for a reason. He's hiding something, that much is obvious.

I'm so sorry, hon. I'm thinking it's the worst, but hoping it's the best.
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Old 30th May 2017, 6:38 PM   #38
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If your husband refuses to open up then you should seriously consider hiring a PI to find out what he gets up to while he is away, for two reasons.

1) If he is sleeping with other people he is putting your health at risk, as well as his own.

2) If he is gambling, and it spirals out of control, it could have huge implications for you and your family.

There might be nothing to tell, in which case you can explore marriage counselling to see if it can help him open up more and communicate.

It is definitely worth considering your options.
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Old 11th June 2017, 8:12 PM   #39
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Originally Posted by BettyDraper View Post
There may also be some sexual orientation issues that he is not telling you.
This occurred to me, too.

(Of course, maybe not; there are things I find erotic in fantasy that I would be disgusted to do in fact.)

It struck me like lightning that he said to the OP whatever it was about he hadn't / wouldn't do anything to jeopardize the marriage: Methinks the [gentleman] doth protest too much!

As a matter of fact, I think he thinks the OP is stupid, because that's what's Narcissists do. The rage in response to her perfectly-reasonable questions is classic N behaviour, and it got him what he wanted: She shut right up, didn't she?
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Old 13th June 2017, 12:38 AM   #40
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Originally Posted by Cally1975 View Post
As a wife I am always complementing him. Telling him how hard he works. How proud of him I am. How good looking he is.
I try to do nice things all the time for him. Pack lunches, lay out work clothes etc.

I was shocked at how angry he became and defensive.

This is a red flag - typically people aren't defensive uness they have something to hide. Has he done it in the past when questioned? If not, I'd worry

Changes in our relationship is he changed all passwords.

Red flag #2 . People dont change passwords unless they dont want you finding something


He is very guarded with his phone at all times.

Red flag #3
Has he always been this way?


I couldn't get into his phone if I wanted. Which to me is weird but I guess I am just an open book about things. I never think twice of he touches my phone.
The red flags are definitely not good.

How is your relationship over all?

For starters You should get a voice activated recorder in his car and at least a gps unit.

As far as the phone - if you can get a hold if it for a few minutes I can tell you how to recover messages pictures, video from his phone. with out ever having to access it. However for deleted text messages the phone will need to be rooted/jailbroken. Is his phone locked?

Do not tip him off, hold your tongue and play dumb. If he is having an affair, he will bury everything and take it on the down low. He will cover his ass.

Last edited by Ladybird78; 13th June 2017 at 12:49 AM..
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Old 21st September 2017, 11:55 AM   #41
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Reason to be suspicious or not?

My husband works out of town quite a bit. Last night they were traveling from their work site to their works home office for a meeting this morning. So last night they were put up in a hotel because of the travel.
Which my husband called me last night and as usual when the guys have to go to these meetings the night before they go out for dinner and drinking. When my husband called at almost 11 pm they got back to hotel and were just hanging out drinking some more.
So here is the thing bugging me. This morning I click on my facebook and in my news feed it says hubby became friends with some girl. So I click on her profile. Her post from yesterday morning reads she was headed to same exact city and state my husband was in. They both live in different states.
So out of curiousity now I look into his facebook and he was searching this girls name last night 4 times.
I am usually not one to be crazy jealous. But this doesn't sit right with me.
Or maybe I am being over emotional because it's hard having your husband travel.
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Old 21st September 2017, 12:03 PM   #42
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Send her a friend request introducing yourself as his wife. She may just be a business contact he met along the way. Don't call a divorce lawyer just yet but do keep your eyes open.

I've friended people after a glass or two of wine then deleted them days later.
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Old 21st September 2017, 12:04 PM   #43
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Hi Cally how long have you been married? Also how old are the two of you and do you have small children? Has your husband ever given signs of having cheated on you before and if so on what occasions and how many times. Is he a flirt? Answers to some of these questions could give a basis for some opinions. However, in the present case, it does seem that it could be the beginnings of something. Keep your Spidey senses on high alert. Warm wishes.
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Old 21st September 2017, 12:18 PM   #44
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Isn't your husband's FB status mentioning he is in a relationship? If yes than she knows everything she needs to know.

Then you are saying you checked his FB, do you mean you have his password to his account? If yes than I doubt your husband is playing games with his FB account. If he wanted to cheat he would have kept her on his SMS.
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Old 21st September 2017, 12:25 PM   #45
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This doesn't mean he has cheated, she could be a professional contact. But.... It would raise a flag for me. And definitely something I would just keep a slight eye on.
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