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What is the best method for finding out?


Infidelity In an affair or suspect your significant other? Share your experiences and concerns here.

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Old 26th May 2017, 2:52 PM   #16
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My first reaction was not an affair. I wondered if it was a night at a casino...or a strip club...or even a hooker. But affair? Do you have a birthday or anniversary coming up? I mean...a $500 withdrawal...certainly could be for a whole lot of reasons.

Does he travel to this same place where this transpired on a regular basis? Doe he travel with others? are there women in the group?

It could be so many things...but you ask on a forum...and the first response is going to be...he is cheating...no doubt about it

next will be divorce the bum
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Old 26th May 2017, 2:58 PM   #17
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I second this post.

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Originally Posted by Unforseen View Post
Well Cally, I think you already know the answer to that. He got so defensive about it because he has something to hide in regards to that cash withdrawal. Odds are, with that kind of defensive reaction, something he feels you wouldn't approve of.

The other things that you have mentioned are also some pretty big red flags indicating that he has something going on that he doesn't want you knowing about. I can't think of any reason except legal/security why a married couple should not have access to each other's phones, accounts, emails, social media, etc.

I do not want to scare you, but that was about the first sign my WW started displaying as she was getting involved with some people, a few of which turned into EAs. She started hiding the screen of her phone if I came around, never left it unattended, and changed her passcode. That was even before the EAs started and it was because she felt I wouldn't approve of who she was chatting with and the kind of things they were talking about.

I obviously don't know you, your H, or the relationship you two have, but do you think he would be open to hearing how you feel about all of this? I understand it isn't the easiest thing in the world for a man to listen to his Wife's feelings, especially when it regard something he is trying to keep from you. Are you guys in a spot where you can have that calm conversation with him and ask him if you've done something disrespectful? Because the way he got mad at you and seems to be hiding things from you feels unloving to you. It hurt your feeling and probably also made you feel confused and maybe even questioning yourself and your actions to try to figure out what you did that deserved that kind of reaction.

I hope you know that you did not deserve that kind of reaction. I don't care if your a stay at home mom with no income at all. You guys are married and you have every right to know what is going on financially. In a similar fashion you are not his mother. You are his wife and he should be more concerned about making sure you have no reason to feel insecure about him.
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Old 26th May 2017, 3:03 PM   #18
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Hi ..

I am a bs ..i had no idea my h was in an 18 month affair ...on the day I found out I kept going back to how could I have been that fu***ng naive and missed an 18 month affair and as I was trying to remember moments /incidence of the last 18 month one of the thing that stood out was that I did not pay much attention too then

Was him guarding his phone ...i had no idea he had changed all his password (I am not much into emails and social media )till one day I found out he did ...that led to me finding out his affair .

This was 4 years ago ...we are in reconciliation his phone or anything related to sm or emails etc...are all open for me to view as I like since the day I agreed to a reconciliation .

He has nothing to hide so there is no need to guard his phone and change password
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Old 26th May 2017, 3:07 PM   #19
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Originally Posted by Mrs. John Adams View Post
My first reaction was not an affair. I wondered if it was a night at a casino...or a strip club...or even a hooker. But affair? Do you have a birthday or anniversary coming up? I mean...a $500 withdrawal...certainly could be for a whole lot of reasons.

Does he travel to this same place where this transpired on a regular basis? Doe he travel with others? are there women in the group?

It could be so many things...but you ask on a forum...and the first response is going to be...he is cheating...no doubt about it

next will be divorce the bum
OK but it is not just the $500 withdrawal is it?
Quote:
Changes in our relationship is he changed all passwords. He is very guarded with his phone at all times. I couldn't get into his phone if I wanted.
Plus the over the top defensiveness.

He is hiding something and that something in the experience of the forum tends not to be gambling or drug addiction or financial worries or an expensive birthday/anniversary present, it usually turns out to be cheating.
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Old 26th May 2017, 3:23 PM   #20
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OK but it is not just the $500 withdrawal is it?


Plus the over the top defensiveness.

He is hiding something and that something in the experience of the forum tends not to be gambling or drug addiction or financial worries or an expensive birthday/anniversary present, it usually turns out to be cheating.
You could be right...I am not denying it. But God...I just hate that the first thing everybody thinks is cheating. I was not there...I did not see his reaction...nor did i see how she confronted him.
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Old 26th May 2017, 3:27 PM   #21
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The bottom line here is that he is hiding something. No one reacts in this manner unless they have something they need to hide.
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Old 26th May 2017, 3:43 PM   #22
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Hi Cally

Sorry that you are in a difficult place right now. I feel for you

I'm so sorry to say this but I'm going to go right out and say that I think he's having an affair. I truly, truly, truly hope I'm wrong.

I was a wayward husband once, to my very great shame. Before my affair was exposed, my wife could have written your original post word for word. Time away on business, large, out of character cash withdrawals, guarded with phone, changed passwords.... These are about as red as flags get.

My immediate advice is not to confront in any way or continue to question him. Very likely this would just push him to be more secretive, have his guard up and develop less traceable behaviour.

I would advise you to go into secret investigating mode while outwardly not mentioning a single thing or showing him your worries. Very common techniques are putting a VAR and/or a GPS tracking device in his car.

I know this sounds horrible, but it may be necessary to uncover what's going on. We're here for you and thinking of you and as I said, I truly hope I'm wrong about this. Keep us informed.

Good luck


Thank you so much for responding to me. Wish I would have seen this post an hour ago. Because I had brought it back up. I just didn't understand the defensiveness last night. So I thought maybe he would be more calm. He erupted again. He told me he isn't doing anything to jeopardize our marriage. That if I can't trust him our marriage is over. If he wants to spend money on something he is entitled. I said yes you are entitled to buy things. I would be excited for you if you bought something nice. What did you buy? He said if I want cash and use my debit card on some things then cash on some things that's what I will do. Then he told me if I bring it up again he will pack his bags and go back out of town where he is working and stay there instead of being home on the weekends.
Then he told me if I don't trust him I know where the door is.

How do you go about a tracking device? I really hate this feeling. I hate the idea of spying. But my gut is telling me something isn't right.
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Old 26th May 2017, 3:50 PM   #23
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Originally Posted by Mrs. John Adams View Post
My first reaction was not an affair. I wondered if it was a night at a casino...or a strip club...or even a hooker. But affair? Do you have a birthday or anniversary coming up? I mean...a $500 withdrawal...certainly could be for a whole lot of reasons.

Does he travel to this same place where this transpired on a regular basis? Doe he travel with others? are there women in the group?

It could be so many things...but you ask on a forum...and the first response is going to be...he is cheating...no doubt about it

next will be divorce the bum
We don't have an anniversary coming up and birthday is a month away. He never usually does any lavish gift.
He does travel to this same location for now quite often. He has been working there for 2 months and home on the weekends most of the time. He doesn't travel with any women only men.
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Old 26th May 2017, 4:29 PM   #24
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Originally Posted by Cally1975 View Post
Thank you so much for responding to me. Wish I would have seen this post an hour ago. Because I had brought it back up. I just didn't understand the defensiveness last night. So I thought maybe he would be more calm. He erupted again. He told me he isn't doing anything to jeopardize our marriage.
If this is the truth then why can he not tell you what is going on?
That if I can't trust him our marriage is over.
And yet he is not behaving in a trust worthy manner. Concealing the purpose of large monetary withdrawals from what I'm assuming is a joint account is not something that he should be doing.
If he wants to spend money on something he is entitled. I said yes you are entitled to buy things. I would be excited for you if you bought something nice. What did you buy?
This was a very good statement on your part. You seem to clearly understand that a man needs respect and every now and then should be able to do something nice for himself. But once again, him excluding you from the purchase is not a move that inspires love or trust. Just as he may be entitled to spending money on himself, you are entitled to know where $500 went to.
He said if I want cash and use my debit card on some things then cash on some things that's what I will do. Then he told me if I bring it up again he will pack his bags and go back out of town where he is working and stay there instead of being home on the weekends.
That cannot have felt good to hear. It sounds like he is making threats in a manipulative fashion in order to keep you from further prying to find out.
Then he told me if I don't trust him I know where the door is.
Really? An ultimatum like that is really limiting your options. He is acting in a way that is completely unloving and untrustworthy and then demanding that you accept that or leave. I hope it does not come down to you making that decision to leave, but he is not leaving you with much of a choice.

How do you go about a tracking device? I really hate this feeling. I hate the idea of spying. But my gut is telling me something isn't right.
From what you've been writing about how you treat your husband he should be as proud as he can be to be able to call you his wife. You sound as though you truly care for him and treat him with nothing but respect. I am sorry to hear that things are getting worse between you two.

I'm not the best for information for spying on or tracking your spouse. An internet search for various trackers or voice activated recorders might be more useful. If you are concerned enough, consulting with a PI might be better than your H discovering you are trying to spy on him with a DIY solution.

Even though this is not confirmed as an affair, he is certainly acting like someone involved in one. You may get some benifit from looking over a process called the 180. At the very least his threats and manipulative behavior should not be taken lightly by you. There are some ideas in the 180 that address self care in this time where it sounds like you are feeling betrayed and hurt.

http://www.survivinginfidelity.com/h...ng-the-180.asp

It can't be easy to have a husband on the road for work so often. Have there been any other changes that you've noticed in how he acts or in how he treats you? Have you been noticing any changes in the way you act or treat him?

Last edited by Unforseen; 26th May 2017 at 4:30 PM.. Reason: Added 180 link...
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Old 26th May 2017, 4:37 PM   #25
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Or he didn't bother to cover his tracks because he takes it for granted that his wife trusts him, suspects nothing and wouldn't check up on him. I have been there, I regret to say.

You are right - it could be something else. None of those options you listed are great, but an affair is surely the worst of all.... and sadly, the most likely, I feel.
Trust or not, one does not leave a huge steamy pile of "this is going to raise questions" unless one is stupid... because the other thing that strikes me is that the way she said it, looking at the bank account is not unusual for her.

If you're doing something wrong, the way to keep someone's trust is by not leaving a trail. It just seems like he had no qualms about her finding out he'd taken $500. The only problem seems to be what he did with it.

It does seem like an impulse purchase.
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Old 26th May 2017, 4:39 PM   #26
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Originally Posted by Cally1975 View Post
We don't have an anniversary coming up and birthday is a month away. He never usually does any lavish gift.
He does travel to this same location for now quite often. He has been working there for 2 months and home on the weekends most of the time. He doesn't travel with any women only men.
Cally...

I am not good at spying....I would not even know what to advise. I beleive in simply asking. If your marriage is as good as you have described it....i cannot imagine why you can't discuss this with him. But I will confess...I like to give people the benefit of the doubt and i tend to think they are innocent until proven guilty.

I wish you the very best...and I hope for your sake that there is no infidelity.
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Old 26th May 2017, 5:11 PM   #27
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Originally Posted by Cally1975 View Post
Thank you so much for responding to me. Wish I would have seen this post an hour ago. Because I had brought it back up. I just didn't understand the defensiveness last night. So I thought maybe he would be more calm. He erupted again. He told me he isn't doing anything to jeopardize our marriage. That if I can't trust him our marriage is over. If he wants to spend money on something he is entitled. I said yes you are entitled to buy things. I would be excited for you if you bought something nice. What did you buy? He said if I want cash and use my debit card on some things then cash on some things that's what I will do. Then he told me if I bring it up again he will pack his bags and go back out of town where he is working and stay there instead of being home on the weekends.
Then he told me if I don't trust him I know where the door is.

How do you go about a tracking device? I really hate this feeling. I hate the idea of spying. But my gut is telling me something isn't right.
(((Cally)))

Thank you for responding to my post.

Once again I'm going to say something that you won't like - I'm sorry, I'm just calling it as I see it based on my own experience.

You see, I was a cheater and I did all those same things that he did from your original post. Then, when my wife started voicing concerns, as you are now, again, I acted EXACTLY as you describe he did. I got defensive, angry, tried to make her feel awful for not trusting me, telling her that she knew where the door is, shutting myself​ off.

There are other posters saying that there could be other reasons. They are quite right in saying this and I really hope it is something else. All I will say is that what you've posted so far could have been written about me, word for word, back in the bad old days of my affair.

I know it could be costly, but I wonder if it could be worth investing in a private investigator, especially if you are not comfortable yourself in hiding a voice activated recorder or GPS device in his car?

Don't worry, whatever this is, you will be okay eventually. Even if it is an affair, the prognosis is not always fatal. My wife and I are reconciling and building a better marriage than ever.

But first things first. Stay strong, keep it together and lay off questioning him for now. Try to be your normal, lovely self and don't act like you are suspicious. You need to take a little time and advice as to how to play this and we are here to guide you.

When does he next go away? I was in a work arrangement where I went away every week for a few nights per week for a few months - that's when it happened and spending long lengths of time away from your spouse is regularly cited as one of the major risk factors in predicting infidelity. You say he was away for 12 days recently? That seems like an extraordinarily long time for spouses to spend apart. I would suggest that it is unhealthy even in the best of circumstances. It's none of my business, of course. I'm just flagging it up as a red flag. Does he drive long distances? If he does and he's having an affair, it's almost guaranteed that they will have calls while he's in the car - a voice activated recorder should pick that up. Maybe try it. If on a very long journey, it picks up nothing suspicious, then you should be able to breathe a little more easily I hope.

I'm still praying that all this is a misunderstanding, but I'm sorry to say that I think that's wishful thinking.

Keep posting Cally. Keep us updated and use us all you can. You are one of our gang and we are here for you.

Last edited by jenkins95; 26th May 2017 at 5:21 PM..
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Old 26th May 2017, 5:27 PM   #28
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Reality Check

Yes, before things get carried away, let's do a quick reality check. All we know is that he made an unusual cash withdrawal and does not want to tell you why. Also that he is being protective of his phone.

All we can say for certain from that is that something he is ashamed of happened to the tune of $500. He is moving against that shame by being aggressively defensive about what was involved.

As an alternative to him being in an affair, what if he got scammed for $500 and the evidence of that is on his phone? He may be so ashamed at being taken advantage of that he cannot bring himself to tell you what happened and erupts in anger when you ask. That neatly covers what we know and doesn't involve an affair.

He said whatever was going on would not hurt the marriage. Hopefully that is true and whenever it comes to light you guys can have a good laugh over the silliness of it.
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Old 26th May 2017, 5:38 PM   #29
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I really hope unforeseen is right.

What seems most likely? That he got scammed for $500 and is too embarrassed to tell you, or that he is having an affair?

Sadly, I think the latter is more likely. But we are strangers on the internet, we don't know him, we are only going on these words. You are the one that knows him. Do you think he's capable of an affair? Has your marriage always been brilliant?

If you don't mind me asking, how long have you been married and do you have children? Have you had marriage difficulties? Have there recently been changes to his personality over and above your suspicions from this recent trip?

Sorry to ask so many questions, but the fuller the picture we have, the better we'll be able to understand and advise.

Hang in there (((Cally))) and keep posting.
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Old 26th May 2017, 6:54 PM   #30
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One thing I have noticed is the second time he went out of town he spontaneously gave me like a couple hundred dollars to go shopping or get hair done or what ever I wanted. It's like he was bending over backwards to do all these nice random things. Which I know is a good thing and I don't expect it. I thought maybe he was feeling guilty because he is away so much lately.
I haven't noticed any ways I treat him different. I really love him. So I try really hard to be a good wife. Like packing for him. Unpacking when he gets home. I made a trip down there to see him for a couple days even though I hate to drive long trips. I send him I love you texts. I buy him snacks and drinks to take on the road with him. Sorry if it's TMI LOL But I have sent him some very sexy pictures and told him I couldn't wait until he gets home.
It is a strain that he is away so much. But I don't want to make him feel guilty for working. So I have been supportive.
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